Parents who have seen how kids turn out as young adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

Has it occurred to you that your daughters just don't want children? There is nothing wrong with that. There is no 'missing out' if it's not something you want. Grandparent wannabes be damned.

You missed the point here. It really doesn't appear to be about children or grandchildren. It is millennial angst.

[Anonymous]

No sports that give finisher's medals. Learning to lose is a life skill. Try harder next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No sports that give finisher's medals. Learning to lose is a life skill. Try harder next time.

Huh? What thread are you on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

+1. I don't get it either...they're not on drugs, they make their own money...they sound like every parent's dream! By the way, existential angst is part of the human condition.

[Anonymous]

I have three grown children, ages 24 - 35. The two older ones (sons) are married with wonderful wives and children. I think all three of my grown children are more mature than I am! And I give credit to their wives for some of that. (For instance, I was never a tidy or organized person and the kids' rooms were pretty messy when they were growing up (and for at least one of them throughout college), but now they live in very orderly homes and they play a very active role in maintaining that order.) I never taught them how to cook, but all three of them are very involved in healthy cooking and eating. I occasionally lost my temper, but I never ever see them losing their tempers; they are remarkably calm. The older two didn't have a lot of friends in middle and high school (though they were on friendly terms with lots of people at school), and we rarely entertained friends, but now they socialize regularly with lots of close friends, near and far. I'm blown away with what great parents they are. In short, I'm sort of amazed at how well they've turned out in spite of some deficiencies in my parenting.

There is only one thing that pains me, and it is that the two older ones are not close at all, and it seems to go back to resentment that the second one has about being bossed around by his older brother in their youth. And I wonder if I should have intervened more, though I did try to call the oldest one out on it whenever I was aware of it. But I think the second one just developed a grudge that he can't get over, and it colors the way he perceives his big brother in adulthood... or else there is still a degree of cluelessness on the part of the older one on how his remarks might come across to his brother (sometimes a bit pushy / intrusive). Maybe they are just two very different people and wouldn't have been close no matter what I did, but I do feel some responsibility for it. The youngest makes it a priority to maintain a close relationship with both brothers.

All three seem very happy in their chosen careers, too, and enjoy a variety of outside interests. They seem to have a healthy work-life balance.

When I think back on parenting choices... I definitely encouraged independence. We never baby-proofed the house. We had one baby gate for the third one due to a tricky floor plan, but I monitored all three and taught them how to navigate stairs safely (on their bellies at first) when they were early toddlers. We never had safety latches or outlet covers. My oldest was using a real hammer and nails at 18 months and preferred to take apart his toys rather than to play with them. He was great with puzzles, Legos, science explorations, designing things, self-taught computer programmer, etc. (He became a mechanical engineer, no surprise.) The second one taught himself to read at three and was quite a bookworm from then on (and is now an educator). I just supported their natural interests.

Oh, here's a story to wrap this up. Do you know that children's book, "Love You Forever"? We enjoyed that book through the years. But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this would happen: A few years out of college, my oldest was in a lovely relationship with a young woman who really helped him to open up more emotionally. And one time during a visit, my son told me he and his girlfriend had been talking about that book, "Love You Forever," and in particular how near the end of the book, the grown son takes his mother into his lap and rocks her back and forth. And he said he wanted to rock me! And so I sat in his lap and he rocked me back and forth, back and forth!

You just never know what little seeds are going to grow in what ways...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

+1. I don't get it either...they're not on drugs, they make their own money...they sound like every parent's dream! By the way, existential angst is part of the human condition.

Maybe this generation is like this poster in another thread:
28 years old, married one year. I’m a state worker and have a cubicle. DH and I are planning to have a baby soon.

Is this all there is? Working in a cubicle for the next 30+ years to pay the mortgage, raising children, contributing to a retirement fund and trying to avoid my annoying in laws?

Adulthood really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.



Well, maybe it is the cubicle, but maybe what I thought was wonderful is what they think is hell. I loved every minute of having a family and the job was part of the whole thing...supporting my family. Why do people think there is something more or better?

[Anonymous]

Personal theory is that they saw what we traded off from making them the center of our lives. Now having been used to the center, not so sure they find the idea of vacating that so attractive!
Not just financially but more so in terms of having time to pursue their own interests. It's said that 30 is the new 20, so may be interest in raising a family will now be a 40's thing? We were older parents ourselves due to circumstances. That's all mine knows. I actually like the idea of exploration throughout your 20's and into your 30's. That's the best time when they're young and healthy.

[Anonymous]

I had kids in my late 20s. So glad I did that...friends in their 60s still have kids in high school and college, and they can't retire. When their kids have families they will be older than they had planned .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personal theory is that they saw what we traded off from making them the center of our lives. Now having been used to the center, not so sure they find the idea of vacating that so attractive!
Not just financially but more so in terms of having time to pursue their own interests. It's said that 30 is the new 20, so may be interest in raising a family will now be a 40's thing? We were older parents ourselves due to circumstances. That's all mine knows. I actually like the idea of exploration throughout your 20's and into your 30's. That's the best time when they're young and healthy.

We had careers, friends, etc. They weren't our whole world to the exclusion of everything ,but we really thought have a family was just great. I would do it all again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

+1. I don't get it either...they're not on drugs, they make their own money...they sound like every parent's dream! By the way, existential angst is part of the human condition.

It seemed pretty clear to me that the poster regrets that their lives seem to lack meaning and purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

+1. I don't get it either...they're not on drugs, they make their own money...they sound like every parent's dream! By the way, existential angst is part of the human condition.

It seemed pretty clear to me that the poster regrets that their lives seem to lack meaning and purpose.

But they're working and earning money. They are educated. They aren't in some back alley shooting up or relying on their parents to support them. Some of the posters here need to be grateful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

+1. I don't get it either...they're not on drugs, they make their own money...they sound like every parent's dream! By the way, existential angst is part of the human condition.

It seemed pretty clear to me that the poster regrets that their lives seem to lack meaning and purpose.

But they're working and earning money. They are educated. They aren't in some back alley shooting up or relying on their parents to support them. Some of the posters here need to be grateful!

You probably don't get this thread at all.

[Anonymous]

To the poster with three boys: my husband was one of three boys with the exact same dynamic: two older ones do not get along well, youngest is the peacemaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

+1. I don't get it either...they're not on drugs, they make their own money...they sound like every parent's dream! By the way, existential angst is part of the human condition.

It seemed pretty clear to me that the poster regrets that their lives seem to lack meaning and purpose.

But they're working and earning money. They are educated. They aren't in some back alley shooting up or relying on their parents to support them. Some of the posters here need to be grateful!

You probably don't get this thread at all.

Yes, this thread is about a bunch of angsty Baby Boomers lamenting about the kids they have. But that is the tragedy of being a parent. You can do every single thing possible to mould your child but your children are still their own individuals. Accept that, otherwise, perhaps you should have stayed childless.