Parents who have seen how kids turn out as young adults

[Anonymous]

You don't have to "teach" values

I especially like this. A child in an emotionally healthy environment "learns" by observing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My biggest advice is to back off and let them think/breathe/explore for themselves when they get to college. We have 4 kids, currently 25-35. With my oldest, we were just too involved and way too pushy (in retrospect). She was always the top of her class, super perfectionist high achiever, and - again, in retrospect - terrified of messing up or disappointing us. My husband pushed her to apply to Law school and she did, and it was just not the right call for her. She even had a little panic over that summer and told us she didn't want to go to law school, she wanted to just take some time and try something else and explore what she really wanted to do. What we should've done is listened to her...but she had gotten into a top law school and we were so focused on achievement that we pushed her to "just go and give it a chance." Itwas a mistake. Honestly our younger kids, whom we were less overinvolved with when it came to choosing classes/majors/etc are he ones who are truly happy and well-adjusted. Don't be helicopter parents, and parent the kid you have

So did the lawyer stay in law bc she was supposed to? Did she walk away and do something else? Did you influence her decision to work as a lawyer or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have four adult children and one in high school. I am amazed at the wonderful, kind, successful young adults they have become. I'm not sure what to attribute it to. We are certainly far from perfect parents. If I had to give one piece of parenting advice it would be this - Love the child you have. Unconditionally. Don't try to create the child you think you want. I see this over and over again on dcum and I cringe. Your child is unique. Allow him to walk his own path. Trust that while it may look different from the one you envisioned, he will find his way.

Love this advice!

[Anonymous]

I was supportive, but didn’t coddle. When help was really needed, I tended to show how to solve rather than fixing it myself. And I preached the gospel of learning from mistakes rather than blaming others or wallowing in a funk of self-pity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this topic. My kids are young teens. Listening ...

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm 50 and have a tween and teen. So I can't speak to the finished product of adult children.

But I do, based on my own generation, allow my children to make both decisions and mistakes. I let my rising 9th grader pick her own schedule, and her own electives. I'm not pushing her toward a specific career path; SHE is the one who will have to wake up to go to a job, not me. It needs to be something that gets her out of bed in the morning.

Most of all, I'm trying to raise mentally well-adjusted children who have a moral and ethical compass, are kind, compassionate, empathetic and civic-minded. That's the foundation, everything else flows from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My biggest advice is to back off and let them think/breathe/explore for themselves when they get to college. We have 4 kids, currently 25-35. With my oldest, we were just too involved and way too pushy (in retrospect). She was always the top of her class, super perfectionist high achiever, and - again, in retrospect - terrified of messing up or disappointing us. My husband pushed her to apply to Law school and she did, and it was just not the right call for her. She even had a little panic over that summer and told us she didn't want to go to law school, she wanted to just take some time and try something else and explore what she really wanted to do. What we should've done is listened to her...but she had gotten into a top law school and we were so focused on achievement that we pushed her to "just go and give it a chance." Itwas a mistake. Honestly our younger kids, whom we were less overinvolved with when it came to choosing classes/majors/etc are he ones who are truly happy and well-adjusted. Don't be helicopter parents, and parent the kid you have

this is so wise. I see it every day. I hope your daughter had enough guts to get out of the law if she doesn't enjoy it. I see so many adults in late 30s-early 40s who are reconsidering their carrier. For most of them, the pass was chosen by their parent.

[Anonymous]

Also a parent in my 50's. I think you need to listen to your kids when they are teens and help them to make sure that they take the courses in HS that they need take in order to make sure that they are prepared for their desired field of study.

If you do that, the rest really needs to be up to them.

[Anonymous]

I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

[Anonymous]

My children are 32, 28 and 24. What surprises me is how well they turned out despite a great many obstacles. I think the most important things were to give them stability, to teach them to be kind and to support them in their pursuits. I didn't push my kids to succeed but I did require them to get involved in whatever activities they wanted. They were exposed to so much that I think they learned lots about career choices, teamwork and pushing themselves. That served them well in college and work and they did succeed. They've always told me that they knew I had their back and that really encouraged them to go out and try things.

[Anonymous]

I have only 1 child and she's turned out great (age 26). Some of it has to do with luck. Beyond that, I would say to keep the kids busy with activities that interest them such as sports, music, and art. And, invite the friends to your house. Make sure they work hard in school and expose them to a lot of different people, cultures and ways of doing things.

[Anonymous]

As a late 20's child, I am now so much more appreciative of my parents pushy helicopter nature. My parents pushed me to work harder, study harder, and try harder. They constantly advocated for me and taught me through example to be my own advocate. I am now married, have my own house, am an attorney, and kids are on the way. I realize that my parents tried their hardest to create a better life for me and my sister. I definitely did not appreciate their parenting style till I got my first job, but I now am so appreciative of the example and discipline they provided. Without such, I would not be as far as I am today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

Has it occurred to you that your daughters just don't want children? There is nothing wrong with that. There is no 'missing out' if it's not something you want. Grandparent wannabes be damned.