Parents who have seen how kids turn out as young adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

+1. I don't get it either...they're not on drugs, they make their own money...they sound like every parent's dream! By the way, existential angst is part of the human condition.

It seemed pretty clear to me that the poster regrets that their lives seem to lack meaning and purpose.

But they're working and earning money. They are educated. They aren't in some back alley shooting up or relying on their parents to support them. Some of the posters here need to be grateful!

You probably don't get this thread at all.

Yes, this thread is about a bunch of angsty Baby Boomers lamenting about the kids they have. But that is the tragedy of being a parent. You can do every single thing possible to mould your child but your children are still their own individuals. Accept that, otherwise, perhaps you should have stayed childless.

No, this thread is not about grandkids at all. It is about how quickly the "young adults" mesh with adult reality. Kids may or may not be in either picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

+1. I don't get it either...they're not on drugs, they make their own money...they sound like every parent's dream! By the way, existential angst is part of the human condition.

It seemed pretty clear to me that the poster regrets that their lives seem to lack meaning and purpose.

But they're working and earning money. They are educated. They aren't in some back alley shooting up or relying on their parents to support them. Some of the posters here need to be grateful!

You probably don't get this thread at all.

Yes, this thread is about a bunch of angsty Baby Boomers lamenting about the kids they have. But that is the tragedy of being a parent. You can do every single thing possible to mould your child but your children are still their own individuals. Accept that, otherwise, perhaps you should have stayed childless.

No, this thread is not about grandkids at all. It is about how quickly the "young adults" mesh with adult reality. Kids may or may not be in either picture.

The young adults mentioned on this thread seem to be 'meshing with adult reality' just fine. Sometimes I think there's some subconscious envy going on between the generations. Especially when it comes to decisions like dropping everything to travel abroad and these are quickly vilified for no good reason. Unless your child is asking you to contribute to their piggy bank, parents don't have a right to question their decisions with the exception of substance use. They are adults already, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

You’re scared shitless about what exactly? Sounds like they work and live on their own, no? You don’t think they’ll ever create career paths and just go job to job? Or you’re disappointed they can’t force someone to marry them?

+1. I don't get it either...they're not on drugs, they make their own money...they sound like every parent's dream! By the way, existential angst is part of the human condition.

It seemed pretty clear to me that the poster regrets that their lives seem to lack meaning and purpose.

But they're working and earning money. They are educated. They aren't in some back alley shooting up or relying on their parents to support them. Some of the posters here need to be grateful!

You probably don't get this thread at all.

Yes, this thread is about a bunch of angsty Baby Boomers lamenting about the kids they have. But that is the tragedy of being a parent. You can do every single thing possible to mould your child but your children are still their own individuals. Accept that, otherwise, perhaps you should have stayed childless.

No, this thread is not about grandkids at all. It is about how quickly the "young adults" mesh with adult reality. Kids may or may not be in either picture.

The young adults mentioned on this thread seem to be 'meshing with adult reality' just fine. Sometimes I think there's some subconscious envy going on between the generations. Especially when it comes to decisions like dropping everything to travel abroad and these are quickly vilified for no good reason. Unless your child is asking you to contribute to their piggy bank, parents don't have a right to question their decisions with the exception of substance use. They are adults already, people.

Not if they've saved nothing, are not on any career path that would lead to any security, benefits, or savings. Yeah, that is not envy- it is concerning if they are approaching 40 this way. And it is not reality at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

This is where you went wrong. Sounds like nothing was ever uncomfortable for them and they didn’t have to pursue anything to learn the value of commitment. It sounds like they ended up exactly how you raised them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved having a family. Two girls, and sorry that we didn't have more. I would say we were good parents. Sure, wish we could change some things, but overall, it was a loving family. What troubles me is that in their 30s, both have not been able to maintain relationships..both romantic or just friends, and they seem to be unsettled in career choices.It makes me wonder where we messed up.

Probably isn't you. I have sisters in their 20s/early 30s, and it is very very difficult for them to find a boyfriend. That's another topic entirely, but it's not you.

It is hard to reconcile, actually, tha it wasn't us. I've read about some "quarterlife crisis"- where people throw away careers, ditch mates and ever having children, ignoring the future financial needs, but my kids are in their thirties. I would not call them irresponsible,they are both working- but in fields that do not make them happy and are not really suited for them. It appears now that nothing is permanent- the best friends they had two years ago, four years ago, six years ago- no longer intheir lives, the job two years ago, nope, and no specific plans to improve or extend career. etc. Just living day to day with vague plans- "maybe I'll move to France..." (What? Why?)

They are both creative but don't really do anything with their skills and talents. The thing I am worried about is that people are not as important- relationships are functional and perhaps not sincere.

I was not a tiger mom. Encouraged, but never pushed, and never required anything as a rule. If they didn't want to play a sport- they didn't have to , if they didn't want to be in the Honor Society- they didn't have to. Grades were pretty good, but there wasn't a lot of emphasis on grades. I din't micromangage their social life other than checking out the important stuff when they were teens. I didn't overplan their after school lives with stuff. I am wondering if that was it - I didn't push them to be in anything, maybe. we were comfortable, not wealthy, and they worked all though high school and college in part time jobs. One had a scholarship to college, and the other we paid for. No loans. One had multiple graduate degrees- serving almost no purpose.

It looks like neither will have kids- neither really care and one is definitely not going to- the other probably not.Yes, their friends are married with kids or kids on the way, but they don't seem to see what the future will look like to them without a family or a significant career Yes, we are disappointed in not having grandchilderen, but we are over that now-we understand that it is not our choice to have, but now we are sad that they are really the ones missing out. They look responsible on the outside, but, frankly, they seem really immature to us now- I cannot lie. The weird thing- until they hit about 28, most people, including us, would have said both were very responsible and mature, warm and loving. career oriented, too! And they seemed so- and then, POW- regression to life as if they were college kids at age 19- not really future thinking or caring in general. This cannot be a coincidence.

So, yes, I do think we played some role- I just have no idea what. The only life event(s) that changed was that my parents became very sick and died. We worked hard during those difficult times when they were sick, and some of it was really unpleasant, but that is life and it wasn't unsual- just they way life ends for almost everyone. My parents were active and vibrant and then just spiraled quickly down with rapid decline over a five year period before death in a hospice- within three years of each other- similar with all of their friends, too. they were in their 80s and 90s. Sad, but it is reality.

I have not brought these things up with them because I do not want to helicopter or to appear that we are scared shitless for their future, even though we are becoming increasingingly so. No, we have not said anything like "What the hell is going on?" We have not nagged, lectured, etc. We decompress to each other on our own.

This is where you went wrong. Sounds like nothing was ever uncomfortable for them and they didn’t have to pursue anything to learn the value of commitment. It sounds like they ended up exactly how you raised them.

Ok, Tiger Mom. If you managed everything, how would that have turned out?

[Anonymous]

my kids are 29, 25 and 7.

My 29 yo is pretty much perfect. I do wish I'd (actually) taught her better budgeting skills.

I wish I'd let my 25 year old get a job as a teen, and not have focused so much on sports. She needed success and a sense of purpose outside of her sport. I also wish I'd have let her fail in small things more often, instead of saving her time after time. (She forgets her uniform, I go get it. She is nearing ineligibility, we get a tutor. etc)

My 7 year old is suffering from those mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my kids are 29, 25 and 7.

My 29 yo is pretty much perfect. I do wish I'd (actually) taught her better budgeting skills.

I wish I'd let my 25 year old get a job as a teen, and not have focused so much on sports. She needed success and a sense of purpose outside of her sport. I also wish I'd have let her fail in small things more often, instead of saving her time after time. (She forgets her uniform, I go get it. She is nearing ineligibility, we get a tutor. etc)

My 7 year old is suffering from those mistakes.

What are your kids doing now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my kids are 29, 25 and 7.

My 29 yo is pretty much perfect. I do wish I'd (actually) taught her better budgeting skills.

I wish I'd let my 25 year old get a job as a teen, and not have focused so much on sports. She needed success and a sense of purpose outside of her sport. I also wish I'd have let her fail in small things more often, instead of saving her time after time. (She forgets her uniform, I go get it. She is nearing ineligibility, we get a tutor. etc)

My 7 year old is suffering from those mistakes.

What are your kids doing now?

One is a bartender, and the other has an advanced degree in the medical field. They're both pretty awesome people.