Would you maintain relationship with in laws for the sake of inheritance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

Why would OP's MIL send OP a Mother's Day card? OP is not MIL's mother. I can't imagine my parents or in laws sending me a Mother's Day card- why? because I am not their mother.

My spouse and I honor our mothers not the other way around. Mother's Day is for remembering your mother or someone who is in a mothering role to you, not just any mom you happen to know.

Because she did ever since I had my first kid until more recent years when it depends on where we stand with her.

She sent you mother's day cards before you had a baby?

Note I said ever since I had my first...

OP this forum is all about hating on MILs and is almost universally telling you you are insane, WITHOUT the incentive of inheriting millions of dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

The problem is MIL will not respond to texts or calls when she is mad. She will say they're busy when DH does get in touch. She will not tell you why she is mad. Each time once I realize that there is a problem I have to reach out to find out what it was that upset her or I have to push DH to smooth things over. Initially, I honestly was worried that I did something wrong, so I would reach out so I could correct it. After a while, I realized that she just gets upset if things are not her ideal, or sometimes she cuts me off because she is mad at DH for not coming over to fix the computer or not calling her back or whatever.

And I mention the birthdays and mother's day cards because that was the standard she set when we start dating and later got married. I personally think Hallmark cards are a waste of money but she loves them and would send them for these events plus easter, valentine's day etc. It is weird to have it some years and other years radio silence and no acknowledgement of the cards and gifts that we send.

I wonder if you realize how much the bolded seems to represent your mindset. None of what you've described is remotely a big deal. The idea that you would cut someone out of your life because she once sent you a Valentine's card but no longer does, while trying to also assert that you think cards are a waste of money, is borderline insane. Like, genuinely, not-right-in-the-head reasoning.

I think we're dwelling too much on the cards. The point is being cut off from communication - not responding to calls, text, not sending cards, not wanting to make plans. Radio silence until enough time has passed and one of us reaches out or I encourage DH to stop by, etc. and then everything is good again until it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

The problem is MIL will not respond to texts or calls when she is mad. She will say they're busy when DH does get in touch. She will not tell you why she is mad. Each time once I realize that there is a problem I have to reach out to find out what it was that upset her or I have to push DH to smooth things over. Initially, I honestly was worried that I did something wrong, so I would reach out so I could correct it. After a while, I realized that she just gets upset if things are not her ideal, or sometimes she cuts me off because she is mad at DH for not coming over to fix the computer or not calling her back or whatever.

And I mention the birthdays and mother's day cards because that was the standard she set when we start dating and later got married. I personally think Hallmark cards are a waste of money but she loves them and would send them for these events plus easter, valentine's day etc. It is weird to have it some years and other years radio silence and no acknowledgement of the cards and gifts that we send.

I wonder if you realize how much the bolded seems to represent your mindset. None of what you've described is remotely a big deal. The idea that you would cut someone out of your life because she once sent you a Valentine's card but no longer does, while trying to also assert that you think cards are a waste of money, is borderline insane. Like, genuinely, not-right-in-the-head reasoning.

I think we're dwelling too much on the cards. The point is being cut off from communication - not responding to calls, text, not sending cards, not wanting to make plans. Radio silence until enough time has passed and one of us reaches out or I encourage DH to stop by, etc. and then everything is good again until it is not.

So sometimes something bad happens and everyone retreats to their corners for awhile to calm down until some time has passed and someone reaches out and things resume as normal?

How did you get this far in life OP? This is normal. Sure the silent treatment is annoying but its way better than the psychotic screaming treatment or the turn your DH against you treatment or the drop in your house unannounced 5 times a week and criticize your cooking treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

They don't seem that manipulative? They seem pretty normal. OP on the other hand frankly DOES seem manipulative to me.

Getting their noses bent out of joint for alternating holidays, a perfectly normal thing, sounds manipulative to me.

Also, the obvious connection between time spent and flow of money too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

They don't seem that manipulative? They seem pretty normal. OP on the other hand frankly DOES seem manipulative to me.

Getting their noses bent out of joint for alternating holidays, a perfectly normal thing, sounds manipulative to me.

Also, the obvious connection between time spent and flow of money too.

That's not what manipulation means. OP's in laws are under no obligation to give money to anyone, at all.

Agree with PP that I don't know how you people made it this far in life if you think someone being sad they didn't see their grandkids at Christmas is "manipulation." Some people have real problems.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you sit down with your DH and discuss why you think it's important that he do more with his family, for many good reasons including money. Agree to a frequency of visits and calls, get them on the family calendar. Maybe each of you calls once a month and the family visits one day a month, or whatever. Schedule it and stick to it.

And then let the rest go. Don't wonder about her cards or her moods or her money. You are not responsible for finding out if she's mad, and you can't guarantee an inheritance. Do what you agree to and detach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

Why would OP's MIL send OP a Mother's Day card? OP is not MIL's mother. I can't imagine my parents or in laws sending me a Mother's Day card- why? because I am not their mother.

My spouse and I honor our mothers not the other way around. Mother's Day is for remembering your mother or someone who is in a mothering role to you, not just any mom you happen to know.

Because she did ever since I had my first kid until more recent years when it depends on where we stand with her.

She sent you mother's day cards before you had a baby?

Note I said ever since I had my first...

OP this forum is all about hating on MILs and is almost universally telling you you are insane, WITHOUT the incentive of inheriting millions of dollars.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

The problem is MIL will not respond to texts or calls when she is mad. She will say they're busy when DH does get in touch. She will not tell you why she is mad. Each time once I realize that there is a problem I have to reach out to find out what it was that upset her or I have to push DH to smooth things over. Initially, I honestly was worried that I did something wrong, so I would reach out so I could correct it. After a while, I realized that she just gets upset if things are not her ideal, or sometimes she cuts me off because she is mad at DH for not coming over to fix the computer or not calling her back or whatever.

And I mention the birthdays and mother's day cards because that was the standard she set when we start dating and later got married. I personally think Hallmark cards are a waste of money but she loves them and would send them for these events plus easter, valentine's day etc. It is weird to have it some years and other years radio silence and no acknowledgement of the cards and gifts that we send.

I wonder if you realize how much the bolded seems to represent your mindset. None of what you've described is remotely a big deal. The idea that you would cut someone out of your life because she once sent you a Valentine's card but no longer does, while trying to also assert that you think cards are a waste of money, is borderline insane. Like, genuinely, not-right-in-the-head reasoning.

I think we're dwelling too much on the cards. The point is being cut off from communication - not responding to calls, text, not sending cards, not wanting to make plans. Radio silence until enough time has passed and one of us reaches out or I encourage DH to stop by, etc. and then everything is good again until it is not.

big deal
you sound unhinged and your husband sounds like an asshole.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws have already told us they plan to leave each of their 3 kids 2.5-3 million, and yes, I am more tolerant of annoyances because of it. Sorry, but it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but they don't sound like awful people so you should probably maintain the relationship, anyway.

Be careful what you let your kids witness in how you treat other people.

You are right. I also want to be careful about not having my kids see me being treated poorly or being around people who don't respect me. I want to teach them respect, loyalty and the importance of giving and receiving love.

You can maintain a relationship without being treated poorly. It sounds like you and your husband need to get on the same page, and that your husband needs to come up with new approaches that don't reflect his childhood disappointments. Not saying it is easy, but cutting people out? That's a bit much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying to suck it up, what about when they get older and start increasing their demands? Manipulative people aren’t going to stop being manipulative when they’re in a more vulnerable state, things will just get worse.

What demands? MIL "sulks" if they go to the other grandparents' for a holiday, and doesn't send OP Mother's Day cards. Where is the demand? Or manipulation, for that matter?

OP, your kids miss their grandparents, they live in town, they want to spend time with you and are apparently incredibly generous with you, and you haven't described any reason to cut them out of your life. What is your problem?

The problem is MIL will not respond to texts or calls when she is mad. She will say they're busy when DH does get in touch. She will not tell you why she is mad. Each time once I realize that there is a problem I have to reach out to find out what it was that upset her or I have to push DH to smooth things over. Initially, I honestly was worried that I did something wrong, so I would reach out so I could correct it. After a while, I realized that she just gets upset if things are not her ideal, or sometimes she cuts me off because she is mad at DH for not coming over to fix the computer or not calling her back or whatever.

And I mention the birthdays and mother's day cards because that was the standard she set when we start dating and later got married. I personally think Hallmark cards are a waste of money but she loves them and would send them for these events plus easter, valentine's day etc. It is weird to have it some years and other years radio silence and no acknowledgement of the cards and gifts that we send.

I wonder if you realize how much the bolded seems to represent your mindset. None of what you've described is remotely a big deal. The idea that you would cut someone out of your life because she once sent you a Valentine's card but no longer does, while trying to also assert that you think cards are a waste of money, is borderline insane. Like, genuinely, not-right-in-the-head reasoning.

I think we're dwelling too much on the cards. The point is being cut off from communication - not responding to calls, text, not sending cards, not wanting to make plans. Radio silence until enough time has passed and one of us reaches out or I encourage DH to stop by, etc. and then everything is good again until it is not.

Huh? No communication from MIL and the possibility of your DH inheriting millions? That sounds like an ideal situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly your in law complaints sound identical to every other poster on this board (you have to remind DH to keep in touch, they score keep about how fair the grandparent time is between your parents and them, they can be sensitive and prickly about perceived slights or favoritism), except your in laws are paying your kids' tuition and possibly leaving you a life-changing amount of money.

Stop thinking you're putting up with oh-so-much for the sake of an inheritance, and realize you're putting up with very run-of-the-mill family issues. Your in laws prefer you spend every holiday with them instead of splitting with your parents? That's not novel or crazy. It's just part of life, managing grandparent expectations (in both directions).
If that's the kind of thing you would cut someone out of your life for, you should realize that you're in the minority.
Most people would just navigate those waters with zero potential inheritance, because that's part of having extended family.

+1

Yes, some of it is annoying. But nothing you've described is that unusual or strange. Honestly, I couldn't tell you whether or not my in-laws sent my a card for any given holiday in any given year. You criticize them, but you're clearly engaged in some scorekeeping yourself.

[Anonymous]

Do you know if this newfound wealth is for real? If I had such a DIL like OP, I WOULD SPEND IT ALL BEFORE I DIE.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents are important. Try to make it work. It will be good for all parties involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We cut out our in laws even knowing that we’d get no inheritance. And it would have been enough to really really help us in many ways.

As a PP said, we won’t let our kids see us being treated less than appropriately (and kids are always waaay more observant than you think). We are raising them with strong values. Putting up with even somewhat manipulative behavior so we can get some money is basically the opposite of what we’re teaching them.

Everyone needs to make their own decision about what type of kids they’re raising.

+1. Same decision. Same reason.