Can I not invite my ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has a big event after chool coming up next week, and I really don’t want to have to invite my ILs. My DH will be out of town for work, I have a tumultuous relationship with my ILs, and I just don’t want to have to deal with them. My mom may come with me to the event, but my dad has an important doctor appointment he can’t miss. My MIL is mostly fine but my FIL is horrible and doesn’t like my parents, or really anyone for that matter. And to make matters worse, DD has baseball practice I will be rushing her to immediately following this event; there will be no time to chit chat afterwards. DH hasn’t yet mentioned this to his parents. I know my DD will wonder where her grandparents are if I don’t invite them, and inevitably will ask them where they were. Is here a way I can get out of inviting them without hurting my husband? He knows they are hard to be around but feels obligated.

Why is this bad? This seems perfect to me - you don't like your ILs, and yet you can keep the peace and keep your husband happy by inviting them to an event where you aren't obligated to talk to them, and you can't stick around and talk afterwards. Win win.

Because my FIL will complain that they drove all that way to watch a 30 minute play and I just abandoned them afterwards.

This is his issue. Extend the invitation, and BE CLEAR that you have to get her to baseball practice so you guys can't go to dinner or ice cream or whatever. They can accept or refuse based on having all of the information.

This.

And if you don't have time for chit chat or ice cream with them, you don't have time for those things with your own mother. It sucks to be the second place grandparents.

~not a MIL or a grandmother yet, but I see what happens

The people who say things like "second place grandparents" are the ones who will FOR SURE be the 2nd place grandparents. You know who wins it all in the grandparent game? The ones who genuinely love their grandkids, don't keep score, and embrace any chance they do get to be with the little rug rats.

Yep. Treat your DILs well and you won’t have this issue. Think of how you’d want to be treated, then try a little harder.

I disagree. Women just reach out to their own parents more. My DD has a better relationship with her maternal grandparents than her paternal ones, almost exclusively because I rise to the pressure my parents put on me and DH's parents don't pressure us at all and DH isn't motivated to make it happen himself. I try really hard with them, we bought them a tablet, visit multiple times a year etc but the weekly facetime just doesn't happen as much.

I feel bad about it and have a great relationship with them and I know they appreciate how much I do do but I also know that if they were my parents I would be trying harder.

So this totally exists and I totally understand the perspective of these grandparents. I think it is DH's fault frankly but there's no getting around the fact that the disparity in weekly conversations exists. AND that it impacts their relationship with the kids.

[Anonymous]

14:13, the solution to this is not to pressure women to be the most perfect DILs who treat everyone the same. The solution is to raise your SONS to grow up and value their nuclear family ties. So that the husbands in these situations will be in charge of nurturing and maintaining these relationships.

I don't resent my inlaws for wanting time with my kids. I LOVE that they love my kids. It's wonderful. I do resent that I am supposed to treat them equal to my own mother. Things have been better since I've nudged them to go through my DH and not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD has a big event after chool coming up next week, and I really don’t want to have to invite my ILs. My DH will be out of town for work, I have a tumultuous relationship with my ILs, and I just don’t want to have to deal with them. My mom may come with me to the event, but my dad has an important doctor appointment he can’t miss. My MIL is mostly fine but my FIL is horrible and doesn’t like my parents, or really anyone for that matter. And to make matters worse, DD has baseball practice I will be rushing her to immediately following this event; there will be no time to chit chat afterwards. DH hasn’t yet mentioned this to his parents. I know my DD will wonder where her grandparents are if I don’t invite them, and inevitably will ask them where they were. Is here a way I can get out of inviting them without hurting my husband? He knows they are hard to be around but feels obligated.

Why is this bad? This seems perfect to me - you don't like your ILs, and yet you can keep the peace and keep your husband happy by inviting them to an event where you aren't obligated to talk to them, and you can't stick around and talk afterwards. Win win.

Because my FIL will complain that they drove all that way to watch a 30 minute play and I just abandoned them afterwards.

If you warn them about it beforehand, it's their choice to drive all that way to watch a 30 minute play. Give them all of the fact and let them make their own decisions. And then if they complain, who cares?

[Anonymous]

OP, how about you just go. Alone. Enjoy it. No one is excluded, which it feels if you invite some Grandparents but not others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:13, the solution to this is not to pressure women to be the most perfect DILs who treat everyone the same. The solution is to raise your SONS to grow up and value their nuclear family ties. So that the husbands in these situations will be in charge of nurturing and maintaining these relationships.

I don't resent my inlaws for wanting time with my kids. I LOVE that they love my kids. It's wonderful. I do resent that I am supposed to treat them equal to my own mother. Things have been better since I've nudged them to go through my DH and not me.

The solution is also not to just leave them out to dry and act like they are crazy because their feelings are hurt by the situation. Both sides frustration can be understandable and compassion is the right choice IMO.

There is a middle ground. You don't need to treat them as if YOU think they are equal to your mother but IMO you DO need to treat them as if they are an equally important grandparent to your children. There is a distinction there.

[Anonymous]

I was all about not inviting them until the part where your daughter would notice and ask about them not being there. Being that it is a play and you have practice right afterwards, you don't have to talk to them much at all. You might even luck out and not end up sitting next to one another.
Just mention that you are leaving immediately after the play for the practice so they are clear about everything.
Ignore your FIL.

[Anonymous]

How old is your DD? Do her grandparents really show up for everything?

It might be time to set the expectation for *her* that everybody can't all show up for every event, especially on weeknights and/or when events are back to back with something else.

And then you've got free reign to not invite your ILs this go round, since DH won't be there, and you and he can figure out what makes more sense as DD gets older and busier, then each of you chat with your parents about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your DD? Do her grandparents really show up for everything?

It might be time to set the expectation for *her* that everybody can't all show up for every event, especially on weeknights and/or when events are back to back with something else.

And then you've got free reign to not invite your ILs this go round, since DH won't be there, and you and he can figure out what makes more sense as DD gets older and busier, then each of you chat with your parents about it.

THIS is how you get people feeling like second class grandparents. Setting up a situation where you know DH's parents will disappointingly not show while setting your mom up for success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the event?

A play.

Invite them esp if your DD will otherwise ask about them. Clearly she cares whether they come or not. And if it's a play is it THAT bothersome? Does it matter if they don't like you or your parents -- you're presumably not talking DURING the play. And you say you have to rush right out after so you won't talk then either. So the problem is what - 10 min of chit chat before it starts? If that's SUCH a big deal, why not invite them to arrive like 5 min before it starts so all there's time for is hustling to get seats?

[Anonymous]

I can't wait to be a MIL so that my DIL can invite her own family to my grandchildren's events and special days and exclude me- it will be especially awesome because I have one child.
Yes, it would be great if your in-laws were easier, but sometimes people are difficult- they age and become less flexible and more anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't wait to be a MIL so that my DIL can invite her own family to my grandchildren's events and special days and exclude me- it will be especially awesome because I have one child.
Yes, it would be great if your in-laws were easier, but sometimes people are difficult- they age and become less flexible and more anxious.

It sounds like in this case, no matter what the OP does, her ILs are going to complain. If she can't win, she should do what works for her.

Be someone who is easy to invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:13, the solution to this is not to pressure women to be the most perfect DILs who treat everyone the same. The solution is to raise your SONS to grow up and value their nuclear family ties. So that the husbands in these situations will be in charge of nurturing and maintaining these relationships.

I don't resent my inlaws for wanting time with my kids. I LOVE that they love my kids. It's wonderful. I do resent that I am supposed to treat them equal to my own mother. Things have been better since I've nudged them to go through my DH and not me.

YES! I have trouble treating them the same as my mom and dad. I think I'd go insane if I had to keep things 100% equal. I call my mom daily and talk about my kids. My mom means everything to me. If I had to call my MIL daily, I wouldn't be able to deal. I would probably call my mom way less so I had to call my MIL less, which isn't fair to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't wait to be a MIL so that my DIL can invite her own family to my grandchildren's events and special days and exclude me- it will be especially awesome because I have one child.
Yes, it would be great if your in-laws were easier, but sometimes people are difficult- they age and become less flexible and more anxious.

Train your son from an early age to call you, how to buy presents for family members and to know that you'd like for him to invite you. This is completely on him and not your DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:13, the solution to this is not to pressure women to be the most perfect DILs who treat everyone the same. The solution is to raise your SONS to grow up and value their nuclear family ties. So that the husbands in these situations will be in charge of nurturing and maintaining these relationships.

I don't resent my inlaws for wanting time with my kids. I LOVE that they love my kids. It's wonderful. I do resent that I am supposed to treat them equal to my own mother. Things have been better since I've nudged them to go through my DH and not me.

YES! I have trouble treating them the same as my mom and dad. I think I'd go insane if I had to keep things 100% equal. I call my mom daily and talk about my kids. My mom means everything to me. If I had to call my MIL daily, I wouldn't be able to deal. I would probably call my mom way less so I had to call my MIL less, which isn't fair to anyone.

Making sure your kids think of them as equally important is not the same as you thinking of them as equally important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:13, the solution to this is not to pressure women to be the most perfect DILs who treat everyone the same. The solution is to raise your SONS to grow up and value their nuclear family ties. So that the husbands in these situations will be in charge of nurturing and maintaining these relationships.

I don't resent my inlaws for wanting time with my kids. I LOVE that they love my kids. It's wonderful. I do resent that I am supposed to treat them equal to my own mother. Things have been better since I've nudged them to go through my DH and not me.

YES! I have trouble treating them the same as my mom and dad. I think I'd go insane if I had to keep things 100% equal. I call my mom daily and talk about my kids. My mom means everything to me. If I had to call my MIL daily, I wouldn't be able to deal. I would probably call my mom way less so I had to call my MIL less, which isn't fair to anyone.

Making sure your kids think of them as equally important is not the same as you thinking of them as equally important.

The dad should have that responsibility. He should talk about his family's history and things his parents like. He should put his parents first (over his inlaws) and let the kids see that. It's not on the mom.