Is it rude to bring no gift to a birthday party that doesn’t say “no gifts”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up learning and understanding that when you are the host, gifts are never an expectation- from birthdays, to housewarmings, to weddings. Invitations are not summonses, any more than they are invoices, and the point is that the guest is supposed to grace you with their presence and that is really the extent of their “responsibility”.

So no, it’s actually not rude to show up without a gift.

BUT, as a guest, I was also taught that you should reciprocate some of your host’s hard work and honor their celebration by bringing something for them. I always bring *something*, even for a dinner party, be it a bottle of wine (for the host, not to enjoy during the party), fresh cut flowers, etc.

So I’m weird, because my brain thinks of it both ways.

Now I know this is a birthday party question. The invitation really shouldn’t say anything about gifts in any case, but I also know it’s convention now to mention gifts. While it’s not rude to show up with no gift, it’s also not taking the hosts hard work and celebration into consideration. A small gift on one’s birthday is appropriate, party or not.

This. I bring a gift unless instructed not to by the host. But I was also raised never to expect gifts, and I know there are reasons why people don't bring gifts. My husband noticed who didn't bring a gift to our wedding; I didn't. But I appreciated the gifts we received.

So, I always bring a gift to a kid's birthday party (unless it says no gifts), but I don't spend a lot of energy judging people who don't.

[Anonymous]

Bring a gift.

I think about what the family probably spent to include my child ($15-20) and use that as my budget.

I also use it as a chance to have my child think about what someone else likes to be thoughtful.

What sports do they like?
What does your friend have on their backpack?
What do they talk about at lunch?
Do they play an instrument?

Books and Legos usually work. National Geographic for Kids books or an Atlas that is colorful is usually a hit.
Pokemon cards get a lot of attention.

For kids we don't know, a gift card to Target or Barnes & Noble.

I overheard my friend's husband talking about something cheap and disposable their child wanted.
We bought it. #friendoftheyear

Kid was delighted.
Parents laughed at how we listen to their family talk.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I hosted the party, my son’s good friend from school didn’t bring a gift. The parent came to pick him up and no gift. My son doesn’t seem to care but for some weird reason I am offended.
Most probably because of my upbringing. I thought maybe it was more of a norm here? But I guess not!

[Anonymous]

It is rude to expect a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP. I am not even going to read the other responses. If a an invitation says "no gifts" then it is rude to go against the host's explicit requests.

Apparently you didn’t even read the original post, which has nothing to do with an invitation that says no gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I hosted the party, my son’s good friend from school didn’t bring a gift. The parent came to pick him up and no gift. My son doesn’t seem to care but for some weird reason I am offended.
Most probably because of my upbringing. I thought maybe it was more of a norm here? But I guess not!

Since they're such good friends, I'd guess that she asked what he wanted and you said "he already has so much!"
It's rude to expect a gift; it's odd not to bring one. So put yourself in her shoes: what would it take to NOT bring a gift to her kid's BFF's party? Something else is going on and she needs more compassion than judgement.

[Anonymous]

If you attend a birthday party you should bring a card and gift unless it says " no gifts" on the invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I hosted the party, my son’s good friend from school didn’t bring a gift. The parent came to pick him up and no gift. My son doesn’t seem to care but for some weird reason I am offended.
Most probably because of my upbringing. I thought maybe it was more of a norm here? But I guess not!

Honestly, it’s not that weird that you find it rude. It IS rude. Yes, as a host you’re not “supposed” to expect gifts, but it is tradition and manners to bring presents to a birthday party.

However, I wonder if the family might be experiencing financial challenges? The only time I have ever seen a family not bring a present to a birthday party was was a single mom who I knew was struggling. In that case, I knew the host would much prefer that her son came without a gift than not to attend. I would have felt the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I hosted the party, my son’s good friend from school didn’t bring a gift. The parent came to pick him up and no gift. My son doesn’t seem to care but for some weird reason I am offended.
Most probably because of my upbringing. I thought maybe it was more of a norm here? But I guess not!

You are horrible. Most people would not notice or care. Almost nobody would care enough to post about it. Why do you care so much what someone else’s kid does? Do you need one more toy that badly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are horrible. Most people would not notice or care. Almost nobody would care enough to post about it. Why do you care so much what someone else’s kid does? Do you need one more toy that badly?

Methinks thou dost offend too much


Because, the OP's reaction was quite normal and dare I say it predictable (one of the reasons I'd always bring a gift is the horror of knowing theyd know if I didn't). But, who knows maybe they had money troubles and were horrified at not bringing a gift but thought they had to go because of the kids friendship (it would have also been a problem if the best friend didn't go). Regardless, think of it as an invitation to not have to get their kid a gift and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I hosted the party, my son’s good friend from school didn’t bring a gift. The parent came to pick him up and no gift. My son doesn’t seem to care but for some weird reason I am offended.
Most probably because of my upbringing. I thought maybe it was more of a norm here? But I guess not!

did you read the other posts. Almost ALL of them say it is rude to host a party and expect a gift and it is rude to attend a birthday party without a gift (unless the instruction says so). Which means you are as rude as your son's friend's mom!

I vote for she has a lot going on and just couldn't squeeze one more thing in. I've shown up at a party with a really crappy, nicely wrapped coloring book because of a confluence of bad events. I am sure the very gracious, always kind mom didn't think twice about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I've shown up at a party with a really crappy, nicely wrapped coloring book because of a confluence of bad events. I am sure the very gracious, always kind mom didn't think twice about it.

I highly doubt that the other parent didn't think twice about that. They were just being polite. But if it makes you feel better to think that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've shown up at a party with a really crappy, nicely wrapped coloring book because of a confluence of bad events. I am sure the very gracious, always kind mom didn't think twice about it.

I highly doubt that the other parent didn't think twice about that. They were just being polite. But if it makes you feel better to think that...

And this is exactly why it is NOT rude to write "no gifts please" on party invitations. The argument that doing so presumes that you'd expect (nice) gifts otherwise and thus is presumptuous and rude since you have no right to expect this holds NO water. This thread had put me squarely into the no gifts please party throwing population. To have any other kind of party is a burden on guests who not only need to bring a gift but need to bring a nice enough gift.

[Anonymous]

It is unusual but I would not be offended. The guests may have had an extremely busy week and not had a chance to pick something up. Or they may be going through a financial hardship. But they took the time to come celebrate with your child and that's what counts. While it's the norm for people to bring gifts, I also think it not good etiquette to expect a gift from guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And this is exactly why it is NOT rude to write "no gifts please" on party invitations. The argument that doing so presumes that you'd expect (nice) gifts otherwise and thus is presumptuous and rude since you have no right to expect this holds NO water. This thread had put me squarely into the no gifts please party throwing population. To have any other kind of party is a burden on guests who not only need to bring a gift but need to bring a nice enough gift.

Why would anyone think it's rude to say "no gifts"? (I do think "cash only" is rude but that's not really relevant in this context)

Regardless, people don't need to do anything. But the reality is that people do notice, pretending otherwise is disingenuous. Do whatever you think is right don't expect others to do more than you (and acknowledge that if one flouts conventions there is not some higher moral purpose behind it - and if one isn't consistent about flouting conventions then that's another issue...) that's my philosophy.