My brother’s wife is having an affair....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. hire a lawyer.
2. get full custody of the kids.
3. make sure you tell the kids about her affair and make sure the kids blame her.
4. don't let her have your schedule bi-weekly visits with the kids.
5. tell all your family and friends she doesn't pay child support even if she does.
6. start all your sentences with "as a single father with no help from my ex....."
7. tell all your friends how hard life is and how much you sacrifice for the kids and bask in their sympathy.
8. suggest to your friends that they should also consider divorce every time they have a fight with their spouse because you feel so empowered by your divorce and that you and the kids are thriving.

Are you my ex? I am a man with a cheating ex dw and this nearly describes me. Except the part about telling the kids.

I would add that the brother will go through a pathetic phase where he blames himself and enrolls in online courses to improve himself and desperately try to get her back from affair fog. Oh. And tons of stupid lonely drinking.

I wish I listened to my rational brother and skipped that phase. Though I am greatly empowered by my divorce!

I wish the brother were my friend. I’d walk him through exactly what to do. Starting with harnessing his shame and hate to drive him to lose his likely deep depression move his life in a positive direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I wish people said to me:

1) There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused this. The problem is in the cheater. Cheating isn't about what kind of sex life you have, whether you've gained what or are good in bed, or whatever. It's about the cheater using and manipulating other human beings (both the spouse and AP) to fill an internal need they have.

2) Normal healthy people solve whatever relationship problems they have thru dialogue and compromise. Your spouse has to be willing to go to individual therapy to explore what their need is, why they chose to solve it by lying to loved ones and what they can do now to be honest about their needs, negotiate transparently and make amends for their betrayal/abuse.

3) The victim spouse also has to go to individual counseling and see an attorney. The purpose of individual counseling is to learn why people have affairs and what is reasonable to expect from the perpetrator spouse if the relationship is to continue (cut off all contact with AP< full disclosure of whatever victim spouse wants to know, ongoing transparency and ongoing amends). The purpose of the attorney is, obviously, to figure out what a likely custody, child support and asset split would be and to gather necessary documents.

4) If it were me, I'd advise seeking a post-nuptial. Attorneys might argue how enforceable they are, but I do think they have the effect of clarifying for the perpetrator spouse exactly what is at stake if they continue with the current AP or seek new ones.

I am not OP but I just thought you wrote this out so well, and obviously took time to do it. Thank you!

+1, excellent advice!

[Anonymous]

This isn't really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not that this will make him feel better, but if it's been the status quo for 3+ years, she loves him enough to want to stay married and not hurt him. She's just getting some need fulfilled that he couldn't provide.

She doesn't love him. At most, she loves his money.

Most likely her AP is married, and therefore she has no reason to leave her husband.

[Anonymous]

Don't put the kids in the middle by telling them about the affair. It may make you feel better initially but, ultimately, no one wins.

Instead, go to your spouse and tell her/him that the kids are the most important thing right now and that they cant feel responsible in any way. Therefore, as long as she stays positive and supportive and makes the kids a priority, you will do your best to keep them from discovering that the affair was the driving force behind the split.

[Anonymous]

Dude, for the past three years, your wife has been getting drilled by another dude. Let her go. When you are sleeping with her she's thinking about the other dude. Does that sound horrible, well that's going through your mind for years to come.

Accept the fact it's a done deal. It's going to torture you. Don't put yourself through it. Just kick her out. She wants to be with the other dude more than you and your family. That's what's happening.

Do not, under any circumstances, allow her to use the kids as a chip to keep you around or sucker you into marriage counseling. Just accept it's too far to fix.

Kick her out. Seriously, make her leave and then lawyer up. Tell her that you will tell the kids if she doesn't leave. In moments like this, it's best to just play hardball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not that this will make him feel better, but if it's been the status quo for 3+ years, she loves him enough to want to stay married and not hurt him. She's just getting some need fulfilled that he couldn't provide.

She doesn't love him. At most, she loves his money.

Most likely her AP is married, and therefore she has no reason to leave her husband.

+1

[Anonymous]

This is 16:46

I meant to put down what needs to be said to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, for the past three years, your wife has been getting drilled by another dude. Let her go. When you are sleeping with her she's thinking about the other dude. Does that sound horrible, well that's going through your mind for years to come.

Accept the fact it's a done deal. It's going to torture you. Don't put yourself through it. Just kick her out. She wants to be with the other dude more than you and your family. That's what's happening.

Do not, under any circumstances, allow her to use the kids as a chip to keep you around or sucker you into marriage counseling. Just accept it's too far to fix.

Kick her out. Seriously, make her leave and then lawyer up. Tell her that you will tell the kids if she doesn't leave. In moments like this, it's best to just play hardball.

Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not that this will make him feel better, but if it's been the status quo for 3+ years, she loves him enough to want to stay married and not hurt him. She's just getting some need fulfilled that he couldn't provide.

She doesn't love him. At most, she loves his money.

Most likely her AP is married, and therefore she has no reason to leave her husband.

That is exactly why she doesn't leave.

[Anonymous]

Men rarely forgive. Sexual infidelity is a huge dealbreaker for men and the percentage of men who forgive is very low. It hits guys to the core. He will most likely divorce, just support him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, for the past three years, your wife has been getting drilled by another dude. Let her go. When you are sleeping with her she's thinking about the other dude. Does that sound horrible, well that's going through your mind for years to come.

Accept the fact it's a done deal. It's going to torture you. Don't put yourself through it. Just kick her out. She wants to be with the other dude more than you and your family. That's what's happening.

Do not, under any circumstances, allow her to use the kids as a chip to keep you around or sucker you into marriage counseling. Just accept it's too far to fix.

Kick her out. Seriously, make her leave and then lawyer up. Tell her that you will tell the kids if she doesn't leave. In moments like this, it's best to just play hardball.

Good advice.

I second this. Have some pride in yourself. There is no way she’s thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. hire a lawyer.
2. get full custody of the kids.
3. make sure you tell the kids about her affair and make sure the kids blame her.
4. don't let her have your schedule bi-weekly visits with the kids.
5. tell all your family and friends she doesn't pay child support even if she does.
6. start all your sentences with "as a single father with no help from my ex....."
7. tell all your friends how hard life is and how much you sacrifice for the kids and bask in their sympathy.
8. suggest to your friends that they should also consider divorce every time they have a fight with their spouse because you feel so empowered by your divorce and that you and the kids are thriving.

Are you my ex? I am a man with a cheating ex dw and this nearly describes me. Except the part about telling the kids.

I would add that the brother will go through a pathetic phase where he blames himself and enrolls in online courses to improve himself and desperately try to get her back from affair fog. Oh. And tons of stupid lonely drinking.

I wish I listened to my rational brother and skipped that phase. Though I am greatly empowered by my divorce!

I wish the brother were my friend. I’d walk him through exactly what to do. Starting with harnessing his shame and hate to drive him to lose his likely deep depression move his life in a positive direction.

This sounds solid. I wouldn’t try to get her back though. No way. I’m the type of person that once betrayed I can’t forgive...ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to lawyer up and divorce her. Insist on at least 50/50 custody. Get evidence of adultery so he can avoid alimony.

Doesn't work that way. I'm a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not that this will make him feel better, but if it's been the status quo for 3+ years, she loves him enough to want to stay married and not hurt him. She's just getting some need fulfilled that he couldn't provide.

She is not fulfilling something that he can't.

She needs something fulfilled but it something only a trained therapist can't help her with. In the meantime, the affair is just like a toddler acting out.

Oh, please. Are you a psychotherapist specializing in sexual matters? No? The your opinion doesn’t mean shit.