My brother’s wife is having an affair....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I wish people said to me:

1) There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused this. The problem is in the cheater. Cheating isn't about what kind of sex life you have, whether you've gained what or are good in bed, or whatever. It's about the cheater using and manipulating other human beings (both the spouse and AP) to fill an internal need they have.

2) Normal healthy people solve whatever relationship problems they have thru dialogue and compromise. Your spouse has to be willing to go to individual therapy to explore what their need is, why they chose to solve it by lying to loved ones and what they can do now to be honest about their needs, negotiate transparently and make amends for their betrayal/abuse.

3) The victim spouse also has to go to individual counseling and see an attorney. The purpose of individual counseling is to learn why people have affairs and what is reasonable to expect from the perpetrator spouse if the relationship is to continue (cut off all contact with AP< full disclosure of whatever victim spouse wants to know, ongoing transparency and ongoing amends). The purpose of the attorney is, obviously, to figure out what a likely custody, child support and asset split would be and to gather necessary documents.

4) If it were me, I'd advise seeking a post-nuptial. Attorneys might argue how enforceable they are, but I do think they have the effect of clarifying for the perpetrator spouse exactly what is at stake if they continue with the current AP or seek new ones.

This is 100% written buy a wife that got fat, withheld sex, and was “blindsided” when he decided he was done with that life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I wish people said to me:

1) There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused this. The problem is in the cheater. Cheating isn't about what kind of sex life you have, whether you've gained what or are good in bed, or whatever. It's about the cheater using and manipulating other human beings (both the spouse and AP) to fill an internal need they have.

2) Normal healthy people solve whatever relationship problems they have thru dialogue and compromise. Your spouse has to be willing to go to individual therapy to explore what their need is, why they chose to solve it by lying to loved ones and what they can do now to be honest about their needs, negotiate transparently and make amends for their betrayal/abuse.

3) The victim spouse also has to go to individual counseling and see an attorney. The purpose of individual counseling is to learn why people have affairs and what is reasonable to expect from the perpetrator spouse if the relationship is to continue (cut off all contact with AP< full disclosure of whatever victim spouse wants to know, ongoing transparency and ongoing amends). The purpose of the attorney is, obviously, to figure out what a likely custody, child support and asset split would be and to gather necessary documents.

4) If it were me, I'd advise seeking a post-nuptial. Attorneys might argue how enforceable they are, but I do think they have the effect of clarifying for the perpetrator spouse exactly what is at stake if they continue with the current AP or seek new ones.

I am not OP but I just thought you wrote this out so well, and obviously took time to do it. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

So she is still having affair.
He’s going to need you and you should let him come to a decision himself..
Only he knows what’s best for him. Be willing to listen. It’s humiliating and emasculating to have that happen. But also tell him not to compromise his well being for the sake of his kids.
Survivinginfidelity.com is a good board for that and it can help to vent to others people it has happened to.
Cheating and infidelity is happening more and more. Some people can recover but I’ll be honest, long term affairs are often a dealbreaker for many people.

[Anonymous]

Is there any chance they can work things out? Obviously there were problems in the marriage prior to the cheating-- hence the cheating. Would they be willing to work on it?

[Anonymous]

Tell him he doesn't need to make any decisions right now. I don't know how he found out or if she has gone no contact or what state they are in.

Encourage him to read www.survivinginfidelity.com. Lots of insight there as to good and bad ways to cope and deal.

Support him by checking in to see if he drank water, ate meals, slept etc. Encourage him to see a therapist to have someone unbiased to work though a complex roller coaster of emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any chance they can work things out? Obviously there were problems in the marriage prior to the cheating-- hence the cheating. Would they be willing to work on it?

Cheating doesn’t necessarily mean there were problems before. It’s not obvious. It’s just as likely she grew bored of her husband.

[Anonymous]

Are they still in the same house and room? How did he find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of affair, how long, why? Did she confess first or did he find out some other way?
In the scheme of life, monogamy can be hard and people can stumble. It’s possible for them to work through it and put it behind them. Does he think he can forgive her?

His best guess is that its been going on maybe 3 years. He found out after loading spyware on her phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I wish people said to me:

1) There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused this. The problem is in the cheater. Cheating isn't about what kind of sex life you have, whether you've gained what or are good in bed, or whatever. It's about the cheater using and manipulating other human beings (both the spouse and AP) to fill an internal need they have.

2) Normal healthy people solve whatever relationship problems they have thru dialogue and compromise. Your spouse has to be willing to go to individual therapy to explore what their need is, why they chose to solve it by lying to loved ones and what they can do now to be honest about their needs, negotiate transparently and make amends for their betrayal/abuse.

3) The victim spouse also has to go to individual counseling and see an attorney. The purpose of individual counseling is to learn why people have affairs and what is reasonable to expect from the perpetrator spouse if the relationship is to continue (cut off all contact with AP< full disclosure of whatever victim spouse wants to know, ongoing transparency and ongoing amends). The purpose of the attorney is, obviously, to figure out what a likely custody, child support and asset split would be and to gather necessary documents.

4) If it were me, I'd advise seeking a post-nuptial. Attorneys might argue how enforceable they are, but I do think they have the effect of clarifying for the perpetrator spouse exactly what is at stake if they continue with the current AP or seek new ones.

OP here. Thank you for taking the time to type out this response!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of affair, how long, why? Did she confess first or did he find out some other way?
In the scheme of life, monogamy can be hard and people can stumble. It’s possible for them to work through it and put it behind them. Does he think he can forgive her?

His best guess is that its been going on maybe 3 years. He found out after loading spyware on her phone.

Holy shit. Hard to imagine coming back from that.

[Anonymous]

1. hire a lawyer.
2. get full custody of the kids.
3. make sure you tell the kids about her affair and make sure the kids blame her.
4. don't let her have your schedule bi-weekly visits with the kids.
5. tell all your family and friends she doesn't pay child support even if she does.
6. start all your sentences with "as a single father with no help from my ex....."
7. tell all your friends how hard life is and how much you sacrifice for the kids and bask in their sympathy.
8. suggest to your friends that they should also consider divorce every time they have a fight with their spouse because you feel so empowered by your divorce and that you and the kids are thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. hire a lawyer.
2. get full custody of the kids.
3. make sure you tell the kids about her affair and make sure the kids blame her.
4. don't let her have your schedule bi-weekly visits with the kids.
5. tell all your family and friends she doesn't pay child support even if she does.
6. start all your sentences with "as a single father with no help from my ex....."
7. tell all your friends how hard life is and how much you sacrifice for the kids and bask in their sympathy.
8. suggest to your friends that they should also consider divorce every time they have a fight with their spouse because you feel so empowered by your divorce and that you and the kids are thriving.

Not every person is like your ex. Heal. If its been a 3 year affair, there are deep problems in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Not that this will make him feel better, but if it's been the status quo for 3+ years, she loves him enough to want to stay married and not hurt him. She's just getting some need fulfilled that he couldn't provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not that this will make him feel better, but if it's been the status quo for 3+ years, she loves him enough to want to stay married and not hurt him. She's just getting some need fulfilled that he couldn't provide.

She is not fulfilling something that he can't.

She needs something fulfilled but it something only a trained therapist can't help her with. In the meantime, the affair is just like a toddler acting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. hire a lawyer.
2. get full custody of the kids.
3. make sure you tell the kids about her affair and make sure the kids blame her.
4. don't let her have your schedule bi-weekly visits with the kids.
5. tell all your family and friends she doesn't pay child support even if she does.
6. start all your sentences with "as a single father with no help from my ex....."
7. tell all your friends how hard life is and how much you sacrifice for the kids and bask in their sympathy.
8. suggest to your friends that they should also consider divorce every time they have a fight with their spouse because you feel so empowered by your divorce and that you and the kids are thriving.

Are you my ex? I am a man with a cheating ex dw and this nearly describes me. Except the part about telling the kids.