Husband flipped out on me this morning

[Anonymous]

He may have been sensetive about reminding people he was not a citizen. If they think he is already, why point out he wasn't?

[Anonymous]

OP, I do agree that him yelling was not appropriate and he needs to find another way to handle stress with his spouse.

That said, here is a little insight into why you were out of line. In the US, there is a problem with non-citizens being treated differently. If you are viewed as "not American" there are many times that you are treated differently. Now, those of us who live in major metropolitan areas see much less of this, but it still exists. I'm a native born American, but since I'm of Asian descent, I still occasionally get the "foreigner" treatment. My Caucasian wife always doubted this, but then a few years after we got married, we started traveling to a couple of more conservative places and she was astonished by the reception. While the majority of it has been good natured and non-insulting, there are still a handful of times that I'm treated like I don't speak English well or that I am treated with less respect. I've had places where people were not served first come first served and I got to stand around until such time as the bigoted person decided to finally serve the one non-white person in the room. Now, there has always been a small problem with this (I'm in my 50's so I've seen a fair amount of this over my life), but since the start of the recent administration, the problems have increased. There is a xenophobic trend that has grown significantly because this administration has made such xenophobia more mainstream and acceptable.

Your husband may want to downplay his citizenship because any talk about it tends to note that his citizenship is "new" as in, he wasn't a citizen before. The current atmosphere is not only that non-citizens are bad or a problem, but also recent citizens are not much better. If you husband is exposed to people like this where he works, he may not want your friend to know and/or talk about his former non-citizen status because it may only inflame those who are xenophobic into treating him differently. And while we like to believe that there aren't people like this in our area, there are still quite a few (I've lived in the Washington DC metro area for 26 years now and believe me there are still noticeable pockets of this sentiment around). If you husband is not white, or has an accent, then the problem becomes even bigger. The number of people that speak derogatorily about those with a foreign accent is significantly large.

So, I believe that unless he is white and sounds like he has an American accent, that highlighting his change in status is definitely not a good idea unless you know the entire audience of those who will hear and those who they may mention it to and know that they are safe. The fact that you would mention this to a co-worker of his, and one who may talk to other co-workers of his without telling him was not a smart move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live that the citizenship test and ceremony take place the same day? I work for USCIS and that is typically unheard of.

NP. Happened to both my parents in the D.C. area.

Me too at the Baltimore office. Citizenship test in the morning and ceremony in the afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH flipped out this morning when I mentioned my friend knows he has his citizenship test/ ceremony this morning. He yelled something like- IT'S NOT A SPECIAL DAY. IT'S A NORMAL DAY. YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ANYONE. Now he's texting me that he passed the test and they're having the ceremony. And BTW, he got his citizenship through marriage to me. I've mentioned the my friends where he works. Is this really a big deal? They ask so I tell them.

He was probably afraid he'd fail, whether or not that was a rational fear.

Why aren't you at the ceremony for your husband?

[Anonymous]

I didn't want anyone to know when I had to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking us if it's a big deal? Your husband told you not to tell anyone, so respect his wishes.

+1

Don't be a Chatty Cathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I do agree that him yelling was not appropriate and he needs to find another way to handle stress with his spouse.

That said, here is a little insight into why you were out of line. In the US, there is a problem with non-citizens being treated differently. If you are viewed as "not American" there are many times that you are treated differently. Now, those of us who live in major metropolitan areas see much less of this, but it still exists. I'm a native born American, but since I'm of Asian descent, I still occasionally get the "foreigner" treatment. My Caucasian wife always doubted this, but then a few years after we got married, we started traveling to a couple of more conservative places and she was astonished by the reception. While the majority of it has been good natured and non-insulting, there are still a handful of times that I'm treated like I don't speak English well or that I am treated with less respect. I've had places where people were not served first come first served and I got to stand around until such time as the bigoted person decided to finally serve the one non-white person in the room. Now, there has always been a small problem with this (I'm in my 50's so I've seen a fair amount of this over my life), but since the start of the recent administration, the problems have increased. There is a xenophobic trend that has grown significantly because this administration has made such xenophobia more mainstream and acceptable.

Your husband may want to downplay his citizenship because any talk about it tends to note that his citizenship is "new" as in, he wasn't a citizen before. The current atmosphere is not only that non-citizens are bad or a problem, but also recent citizens are not much better. If you husband is exposed to people like this where he works, he may not want your friend to know and/or talk about his former non-citizen status because it may only inflame those who are xenophobic into treating him differently. And while we like to believe that there aren't people like this in our area, there are still quite a few (I've lived in the Washington DC metro area for 26 years now and believe me there are still noticeable pockets of this sentiment around). If you husband is not white, or has an accent, then the problem becomes even bigger. The number of people that speak derogatorily about those with a foreign accent is significantly large.

So, I believe that unless he is white and sounds like he has an American accent, that highlighting his change in status is definitely not a good idea unless you know the entire audience of those who will hear and those who they may mention it to and know that they are safe. The fact that you would mention this to a co-worker of his, and one who may talk to other co-workers of his without telling him was not a smart move.

Op here. My husband has an accent. There's no way he's hoping Americans will think he's American born. I'm sorry about your experience but this is very dramatic. My husband is proud of his background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I do agree that him yelling was not appropriate and he needs to find another way to handle stress with his spouse.

That said, here is a little insight into why you were out of line. In the US, there is a problem with non-citizens being treated differently. If you are viewed as "not American" there are many times that you are treated differently. Now, those of us who live in major metropolitan areas see much less of this, but it still exists. I'm a native born American, but since I'm of Asian descent, I still occasionally get the "foreigner" treatment. My Caucasian wife always doubted this, but then a few years after we got married, we started traveling to a couple of more conservative places and she was astonished by the reception. While the majority of it has been good natured and non-insulting, there are still a handful of times that I'm treated like I don't speak English well or that I am treated with less respect. I've had places where people were not served first come first served and I got to stand around until such time as the bigoted person decided to finally serve the one non-white person in the room. Now, there has always been a small problem with this (I'm in my 50's so I've seen a fair amount of this over my life), but since the start of the recent administration, the problems have increased. There is a xenophobic trend that has grown significantly because this administration has made such xenophobia more mainstream and acceptable.

Your husband may want to downplay his citizenship because any talk about it tends to note that his citizenship is "new" as in, he wasn't a citizen before. The current atmosphere is not only that non-citizens are bad or a problem, but also recent citizens are not much better. If you husband is exposed to people like this where he works, he may not want your friend to know and/or talk about his former non-citizen status because it may only inflame those who are xenophobic into treating him differently. And while we like to believe that there aren't people like this in our area, there are still quite a few (I've lived in the Washington DC metro area for 26 years now and believe me there are still noticeable pockets of this sentiment around). If you husband is not white, or has an accent, then the problem becomes even bigger. The number of people that speak derogatorily about those with a foreign accent is significantly large.

So, I believe that unless he is white and sounds like he has an American accent, that highlighting his change in status is definitely not a good idea unless you know the entire audience of those who will hear and those who they may mention it to and know that they are safe. The fact that you would mention this to a co-worker of his, and one who may talk to other co-workers of his without telling him was not a smart move.

Op here again. I don't know my husbands co-workers. I've never met any of them. I have no idea where you got that. I mentioned it to one of MY friends/coworker. My husband is actually in a field where very few Americans work. Almost all his coworkers are foreign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. I don't know my husbands co-workers. I've never met any of them. I have no idea where you got that. I mentioned it to one of MY friends/coworker. My husband is actually in a field where very few Americans work. Almost all his coworkers are foreign.

Then I misread it. I thought you said it was your friend who was his coworker. That was the faux pas I thought was a problem. That you mentioned it to your friend who happened to work with your husband and that he was afraid that she would discuss it with mutual co-workers.

Sorry for that oversight.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of anti - immigrant sentiment in the US now. He probably feels it and so it may feel like a mixed bag of emotions to him.

[Anonymous]

He may be worried that people think he married you for a green card. That's not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Well at least you didn't post this on the internet. That would have really made him yell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

About a week ago he met one of my friends and she asked him how he liked his company. I am assuming he may be upset about that. That's why I mentioned that. Sorry I didn't explain it well! I do think the fact that he got his citizenship through me matters here. He yelled at me and it was very hurtful.

I think it's a little weird that you seem to feel like you gifted him citizenship and he is being ungrateful about it. Seems like the issue here is not what went on this morning but rather your possible feelings about being used vs. true love or whatever.

There is more under the surface here.

Op here. None of you were at my house this morning to see and hear the yelling. It was awful and our toddler was sleeping in the next room.

You're right, we weren't, but it's impossible to know what the yelling was like based on what you wrote. We don't know if he was screaming and abusive, or if he just raised his voice because he was irritated. How would we know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well at least you didn't post this on the internet. That would have really made him yell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. I don't know my husbands co-workers. I've never met any of them. I have no idea where you got that. I mentioned it to one of MY friends/coworker. My husband is actually in a field where very few Americans work. Almost all his coworkers are foreign.

Then I misread it. I thought you said it was your friend who was his coworker. That was the faux pas I thought was a problem. That you mentioned it to your friend who happened to work with your husband and that he was afraid that she would discuss it with mutual co-workers.

Sorry for that oversight.

NP here, but I, too, read it as OP telling her friend, who was also her DH's co-worker.