Anyone else's DH not like to visit his parents without you

[Anonymous]

My DH is reluctant to visit my MIL alone, though I visit my parents alone all the time. He just doesn't like to visit at all, and if I go too it is slightly more pleasant for him. Yes, it drives me a little bonkers because I end up spending more time on old people visiting that he does.

My MIL once turned to me (my DH, my son, and I were all there) and said I was neglectful and didn't love her because I didn't visit often enough. After catching my breath I asked her why she was talking to me and not her son. She didn't miss a beat, she just said "Because I can't pressure him. He won't ever do what he doesn't want to do, but I can pressure you and you'll do more." Ah.

Since that day I have refused to do the mental work of managing his relationship with his mother. See her, don't, go alone, go with me, whatever. I'll go when I can, and I'll be loving and kind, but I won't cover for my DH's lack of engagement with his own mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go see my parents without my wife. I don't enjoy being with them, and my mother's passive aggressive behavior drives me nuts. As between me being there without the steadying influence of my wife, who knows how I feel, can help me keep my tongue, and generally makes me feel better about everything, and not seeing them at all, it's far better for everyone involved to not see them. It makes me a sad sometimes, but there it is.

This must be my husband on DCUM. . I think my presence is a buffer - it helps him keep his distance and the kids coming along also provides a distraction, keeping my MIL a bit more at bay and helps keep her from engaging in a passive aggressive line of questioning. We all fear being "cornered" by her because of her desire to pry not to mention her lines of questioning that ultimately have the power to stoke your own insecurities/anxieties. It's hard to explain, and something I never grew up with. The things we do for love...I now want the same from my DH when it comes to visiting my DF who is difficult, but in a different way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go see my parents without my wife. I don't enjoy being with them, and my mother's passive aggressive behavior drives me nuts. As between me being there without the steadying influence of my wife, who knows how I feel, can help me keep my tongue, and generally makes me feel better about everything, and not seeing them at all, it's far better for everyone involved to not see them. It makes me a sad sometimes, but there it is.

This must be my husband on DCUM. . I think my presence is a buffer - it helps him keep his distance and the kids coming along also provides a distraction, keeping my MIL a bit more at bay and helps keep her from engaging in a passive aggressive line of questioning. We all fear being "cornered" by her because of her desire to pry not to mention her lines of questioning that ultimately have the power to stoke your own insecurities/anxieties. It's hard to explain, and something I never grew up with. The things we do for love...I now want the same from my DH when it comes to visiting my DF who is difficult, but in a different way.

I should add that my DH has never expressed this to me and I've never pushed him to answer, but it's obvious why he wont' go without me. I don't see the point in forcing him to say it if he doesn't want to. Instead, I would say, that if you want to do something else with your time, suggest that you divide and conquer on occasion when it comes to paying visits to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.
I am not trying to 'better understand' my DH by asking if he is the only one doing this, but am genuinely interested if other men do the same.
I have asked him "Why" when he says he doesn't want to and the answer is "i just don't want to". Again, not a big issue enough to make him come up with some reason. he may 'just not want to' and that is fine but i was wondering if this is typical 'guy' behavior or if it is just him.

I do visit his family, like i said around 4-5 times a year over long weekends and then some holidays. We visit my family 1-2 times per year and an occasionally holiday so it is not that he feels i don't visit his enough or not as much as mine. I visit mine occasionally 1 time a year without him if he travels for work, if there is a family emergency, my sisters baby shower, parents need help with something etc etc.

He refuses to visit his parents and not only during the times they ask for his help. Like i said, he will complain sometimes that I am working a weekend and 'he is bored' but then refuses to visit family.

Anyway, thanks for those who responded.

Honestly Op, I don't think that most parents would expect their adult children to clear fields for them, shingle their roof for them or anything else quite that insanely labor intensive. So a lot of woman on DCUM saying "Oh, my husband always visits his parents by himself" doesn't mean much. Most of those guys probably go home to parents who take them out, cook their favorite meals, provide beer to drink with a crowd of (mostly) male siblings/friends/cousins and otherwise spoil them. Of course they go home. Duh.

However, if someone invited you over to dinner and handed you a "honey do" list the minute you walked through the door (mow their lawn, paint their spare bedroom, install smoke detectors, debug computer...) while they cooked....you might start finding reasons to avoid their invites, too. My guess is, your husband insists on bringing you along because his parents would be embarrassed to ask you to climb up on their roof to shingle it. They would treat you (and him by extension) as a good host treats their house guests....

[Anonymous]

Opposite! He will only visit IF I go with him!

[Anonymous]

Mine can't stand his parents and my presence makes it tolerable for him, but life is too short to put up with their shit, so I tell him he either goes or he's never seeing them again, because I'm not ever going.