Anyone else's DH not like to visit his parents without you

[Anonymous]

Yes!! It's so frustrating. I responded to the other thread about MIL thinking I'm keeping DH and DS from her, but that's not the case at all. I encourage DH to bring DS to go see her, but DH refuses to go without me. MIL wants to come stay with us during every school break and I just can't deal with having someone in my house like that. I need my space and don't want to spend my personal time entertaining her, especially since DH has to work and I'm usually home during breaks (I'm a teacher). When I tell DH to plan a trip to bring DS to see her he gets pouty and says that families should travel together and it's weird if I don't go. I think he doesn't love spending time with her and wants me as the buffer. But she's not my mom, and he needs to be a big boy and either tell her the truth or just bite the bullet. By being vague he's pretty much feeding into her idea that I am the one keeping them from her.

[Anonymous]

Op - this would bother me, too. You can't be all things to all people at all times so he should help carry the load when it comes to keeping in touch and doing for family. I don't have a solution but just wanted to let you know that I think it's totally normal that this is bothering you and hopefully you can have a rational conversation with him to help him understand that he just needs to buck up even if he doesn't always want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again,
When i ask he just says he doesn't like visiting without me. Hasn't been an 'issue' enough for me to badger him more. Just curious of other DH were like this or not

As a DH I might take this position if I thought my DW was not as willing to spend time with my parents as I am with hers. How many times per year do you see his parents?

I don't see why that matters? OP works weekends and doesn't have as much free time for visiting them as he does.

16:01 here. It matters because reciprocity is important. If he makes time for your parents but you don't make time for his parents, that might rankle.

[Anonymous]

He's not deep enough emotionally to appreciate his loved ones
or he doesn't like the work

Either way, this decision does not need to involve you at all.

[Anonymous]

I don't visit my parents without my husband. Their toxic relationship and their unhealthy communication patterns are too heavy for me to handle without support, and they try to manipulate me when he's not present. Maybe dig deeper into why he doesn't feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go see my parents without my wife. I don't enjoy being with them, and my mother's passive aggressive behavior drives me nuts. As between me being there without the steadying influence of my wife, who knows how I feel, can help me keep my tongue, and generally makes me feel better about everything, and not seeing them at all, it's far better for everyone involved to not see them. It makes me a sad sometimes, but there it is.

Not fair to your wife.

Presumably you managed your relationship with your parents without her steadying influence for years before marriage.

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go see my parents without my wife. I don't enjoy being with them, and my mother's passive aggressive behavior drives me nuts. As between me being there without the steadying influence of my wife, who knows how I feel, can help me keep my tongue, and generally makes me feel better about everything, and not seeing them at all, it's far better for everyone involved to not see them. It makes me a sad sometimes, but there it is.

+1

Except it's me rather than DH, but essentially the same reasons. I also like for DH to experience first hand the ways they attempt to manipulate us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again,
When i ask he just says he doesn't like visiting without me. Hasn't been an 'issue' enough for me to badger him more. Just curious of other DH were like this or not

As a DH I might take this position if I thought my DW was not as willing to spend time with my parents as I am with hers. How many times per year do you see his parents?

OP says they go every 3 months.
But regardless, if you felt your wife didn't spend enough time with your family, you would refuse to visit them yourself without her? Wouldn't it make more sense, if you were going to be petty, to refuse to visit HER parents with her? This seems like a strange position to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go see my parents without my wife. I don't enjoy being with them, and my mother's passive aggressive behavior drives me nuts. As between me being there without the steadying influence of my wife, who knows how I feel, can help me keep my tongue, and generally makes me feel better about everything, and not seeing them at all, it's far better for everyone involved to not see them. It makes me a sad sometimes, but there it is.

Not fair to your wife.

Presumably you managed your relationship with your parents without her steadying influence for years before marriage.

Grow up.

I must've missed where PP said his wife was complaining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they're calling him to help with manual labor and he's using you as an excuse not to go, I don't think it is necessarily a sign he doesn't want to "visit," more that he doesn't want to spend a weekend putting up a new roof or digging a well or something.

This. I'm sure he spends plenty of time on his own household duties w/o also using his hard earned vacation time helping a parent clear land and shingle a roof.

His folks might be getting to an age where the property they own is too much for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again,
When i ask he just says he doesn't like visiting without me. Hasn't been an 'issue' enough for me to badger him more. Just curious of other DH were like this or not

When he says this do you ask “Why?” I don’t understand why you think you will undertake your husband better by asking what other men do, vs asking him him why he does what he does.

[Anonymous]

OP again.
I am not trying to 'better understand' my DH by asking if he is the only one doing this, but am genuinely interested if other men do the same.
I have asked him "Why" when he says he doesn't want to and the answer is "i just don't want to". Again, not a big issue enough to make him come up with some reason. he may 'just not want to' and that is fine but i was wondering if this is typical 'guy' behavior or if it is just him.

I do visit his family, like i said around 4-5 times a year over long weekends and then some holidays. We visit my family 1-2 times per year and an occasionally holiday so it is not that he feels i don't visit his enough or not as much as mine. I visit mine occasionally 1 time a year without him if he travels for work, if there is a family emergency, my sisters baby shower, parents need help with something etc etc.

He refuses to visit his parents and not only during the times they ask for his help. Like i said, he will complain sometimes that I am working a weekend and 'he is bored' but then refuses to visit family.

Anyway, thanks for those who responded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again,
When i ask he just says he doesn't like visiting without me. Hasn't been an 'issue' enough for me to badger him more. Just curious of other DH were like this or not

As a DH I might take this position if I thought my DW was not as willing to spend time with my parents as I am with hers. How many times per year do you see his parents?

I don't see why that matters? OP works weekends and doesn't have as much free time for visiting them as he does.

16:01 here. It matters because reciprocity is important. If he makes time for your parents but you don't make time for his parents, that might rankle.

Sorry but that's just petty. We visit family based on opportunity. My family is very far away so we see them way less often than my inlaws. I try to make holidays even though.

[Anonymous]

It must be frustrating that he can't and won't examine and explain why he needs you with him when he sees his family.

Just because his brothers are fine with the family doesn't mean he has to be. His experience as a family member is different from theirs. Each sibling's assigned role is different. The golden child, the scapegoat, the baby, the goofball, the helper, etc. Whatever your husband was assigned, or however overbearing he finds his family members, he obviously feels a need for your presence to strengthen him.

[Anonymous]

Is he lazy or lacks the initiative to do stuff alone, ie drive alone. Mine is like that- he'll happily tag along to do family stuff with kids, but will never initiate any outings without me.