Difficult Path with DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get control of your finances. Get your paperwork in order.

Then he needs a good scare, which may or may not wake him up and make him start doing the work to fight to get you back. He needs to have it hit him in the gut that he's lost you and the kids.

As it stands, he has the luxury to still be moping and conflicted at this point. He's still invested elsewhere and lying to you, and has relapsed, which means he's still in the fog. He is too sure of you, and feels free to fantasize and long for his escape, his addictive sexual and emotional high.

He hasn't really addressed his underlying issues either, which will keep coming back and making him act out again, as a PP pointed out. Unless he focuses on that, nothing will get better. You need to focus on your (likely codependent) issues too, so you can protect yourself and your kids.

I get that you have to play it carefully because you don't want your kids to have to be around whatever trainwreck woman he may end up with.

OP here. This makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you confronted the AP?

OP here -- no I have not. I don't want to. She won't care what I think, anyway. She just wants to stay attached to my husband.

PP here: Do you want it to stop or not? Trust me, you need to cut off both ends. If she is married please tell her husband. Seriously, you would do someone a huge favor.

[Anonymous]

Ditch him. You deserve to be happy, you will never be happy with him.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’re carrying the whole burden on your back, all the work and worry and effort. That’s not sustainable, and unfair to you.

He needs to feel that he could lose you, but that doesn’t seem to be happening. He trusts that you aren’t going anywhere and that he can half-ass things.

Does he know you’ve seen a lawyer? Make clear your expectations of him and that you’re pursuing a parallel track of preparing for separation or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Are you the OP of the thread where the DH was having some kind of affair with his running partner? If so, you continue to sound endlessly level headed and patient.

Reading your post- honestly, it sounds to me like he isn’t fully committed to your marriage and is stringing you along. His “relapse” in communicating with her is telling. You should be his number one priority, to the exclusion of everyone else.

I was the perpetrator of an affair in my own marriage. It’s my biggest regret in life. I know how people having affairs think. Your husband sounds torn and like he’s weighing his options. I would separate from him. There’s nothing you can do that you haven’t already done, to get him to truly commit to you. Either he will come to his senses or he won’t, but you need to put your own mental health first.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is still in the affair fog. He is going to have to go through withdraw from his AP. Every time he breaks contact, he puts himself back at square 1. You need to read up on the 180. That is what my spouse did to me and it was the only thing that brought me out of my affair fog. You are being way too nice. You need to shake his confidence and make him realize he could lose you! Also, as mentioned before, go to survivinginfedelity.com. My my spouse and I were active on that forum and it was a wealth of information and support for us. I am 5 years out from my affair and I have had to work my a$$ off to keep my spouse. My spouse made it clear that if I did not show that I would work hard to save my marriage, I could pack my bags. Today we are in a much better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you confronted the AP?

OP here -- no I have not. I don't want to. She won't care what I think, anyway. She just wants to stay attached to my husband.

Have you told her husband? I would. I would blow this thing up and everyone around it. Then divorce his loser ass.

So OP tells the husband, the husband leaves the OW, OP’s husband leaves OP to be with OW. Brilliant plan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't use words like "addiction" and "relapsing", they remove the burden of responsibility from him. This isn't an addiction, it's an affair, he didn't "relapse" he went back to her. Confront reality and go from there.

I disagree. It is an addition. The love drugs are powerful. I don't mean he should be relieved of the burden, but it is an addiction he walked into willingly.

[Anonymous]

OP, watch the HBO show Divorce, it makes me think life can be happy again! For everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the OP of the thread where the DH was having some kind of affair with his running partner? If so, you continue to sound endlessly level headed and patient.

Reading your post- honestly, it sounds to me like he isn’t fully committed to your marriage and is stringing you along. His “relapse” in communicating with her is telling. You should be his number one priority, to the exclusion of everyone else.

I was the perpetrator of an affair in my own marriage. It’s my biggest regret in life. I know how people having affairs think. Your husband sounds torn and like he’s weighing his options. I would separate from him. There’s nothing you can do that you haven’t already done, to get him to truly commit to you. Either he will come to his senses or he won’t, but you need to put your own mental health first.

Couldn't be because that husband and his running partner lived near each other. OP said her husband's AP lived farther away.

[Anonymous]

Agree with a PP that "addiction" and "relapsing" are not appropriate here. He has feelings for someone else besides you (which can be human) BUT he has acted on it even after promising not to.

Between that and him being mopey and not fully committed in his own therapy and efforts, I'm concerned.

Get everything in order to leave and see what happens. You sound pretty practical but possibly too forgiving and unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

You can't control whether he ends up with the other woman. You could try to stick it out with him and he may still leave you for her (or someone else). It sounds like one of the reasons you want to stay married is your fear that he will end up with her. While I understand your fear (for the children), it's a poor reason to stay.

Do YOU want to be with HIM taking into account what he's done and how he's acting?

[Anonymous]

You posted a week or so ago?
You are being too nice and accommodating OP. He's not worried about you, he's only worried about what he's losing (his AP). You can't "love him" into loving you. And this show of unwavering support, while it seems like it would be a good thing and is what you would want, is not helping you get closer to your goal. He needs to worry about you and whether or not you'll be there.

[Anonymous]

40y/o male here. Don't justify his behavior as a midlife crisis. He's an asshole that was being selfish and didn't give a shit about his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he still has feelings for her and has already broken your trust again is a huge red flag. If not her, there will be someone else. If he were truly committed to making your marriage work, he would have put every effort into doing so. Start planning to leave him. You need to heal, and learn to grow strong on your own.

+1