Difficult Path with DH

[Anonymous]

I'd separate. You can figure out what to do while you're separated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:40y/o male here. Don't justify his behavior as a midlife crisis. He's an asshole that was being selfish and didn't give a shit about his family.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with a PP that "addiction" and "relapsing" are not appropriate here. He has feelings for someone else besides you (which can be human) BUT he has acted on it even after promising not to.

Between that and him being mopey and not fully committed in his own therapy and efforts, I'm concerned.

Get everything in order to leave and see what happens. You sound pretty practical but possibly too forgiving and unrealistic.

Agree with this

[Anonymous]

Stop being so nice. He’s taking advantage of your kindness. He knows you’ll continue with counseling, moving forward on the path, hoping for a second marriage... all the while he’s infatuated with someone else. She’s so great? Separate from him. Turn his little world upside down.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a f'ed up relationship so I shouldn't give advice, but DH needs to really show you that he is committed. You've shown him by being faithful and sticking by him when he was not. Where is his big display to show you -- one that makes up for the fact that he was not faithful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two months into counseling after revelation of his 6-month affair with his longtime female friend. He says he was happy in our marriage and just made a stupid mistake by crossing a boundary, but it led to an addiction to this emotional/sexual fantasy. He says he loves me and wants to keep our family (two elementary aged kids) together, but he also still has feelings for this other woman. I have been super human patient throughout the process and can see a bright future for us (a wonderful second marriage to each other) but I'm not sure if he has the strength to pull his weight and man up. I call it a midlife crisis affair. He's in individual counseling as well, but doesn't sound like he's putting forth enough effort to get what he needs. He is "conflicted" and mopey and while he's making some efforts to improve our marriage, I worry that he will never fully get over his feelings for her. He recently cut off communication with her (for a second time in two months, after relapsing) but I'm not seeing him take charge of his own healing. I worry he will try to have his cake and eat it too -- being happy with me but secretly keeping in contact with her. I've spoken to a lawyer but really just need to sit down with DH to work out the details of a separation, just in case we need it later. However, he manages our (rather complicated) finances, so I also worry he is capable of hiding money. Trusting him is hard after all the deception and betrayal. The other woman is married with a large family and lives in another state. I think she wants a future with him, but to his credit, he thinks a future with her is way too poisonous and complicated. My worst nightmare would be to have the other woman as stepmom to my kids, and have to face her for the rest of my life, and watch my children be traumatized by that trainwreck.

If he relapses again (contacts or makes plans to visit her) I will kick him out of the house. Day to day it is hard for me to be happy and not worry, because I cannot control what he does or what he feels. I can love, support, and influence him, but I feel like a prisoner to his midlife crisis. Can anybody relate to my situation? I want his best self to emerge, but cannot prevent his demons from popping up or taking over the wonderful man I love.

Keep marriage together and trust him, making myself vulnerable to future pain?

Cut him loose and know that he will self-destruct, reach out to this other woman, and precipitate the breakdown of two beautiful families? But then I could be on my own and find a wonderful man who gives me the commitment I deserve.

Advice please. I need to give it several more months, right?

Where's the hurt, anger and disillusionment? OP, you sound like an enabler. Go to counseling and work on that. He either will or will not straighten himself out.

[Anonymous]

^^ +1 doesn’t sound like your questioning whether YOU want to be with him, in light of who he’s revealed himself to be - somebody you can’t trust. Do you really want to be married to a man who you worry might hide money from you? And who, with the awareness of your pain, felt entitled to reach out to this woman again? You don’t seem to be questioning his character, and looking at his behavior both during and after the affair, the idea of a “wonderful second marriage” seems out of touch with your actual reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ +1 doesn’t sound like your questioning whether YOU want to be with him, in light of who he’s revealed himself to be - somebody you can’t trust. Do you really want to be married to a man who you worry might hide money from you? And who, with the awareness of your pain, felt entitled to reach out to this woman again? You don’t seem to be questioning his character, and looking at his behavior both during and after the affair, the idea of a “wonderful second marriage” seems out of touch with your actual reality.

Aargh, you’re, not your

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ +1 doesn’t sound like your questioning whether YOU want to be with him, in light of who he’s revealed himself to be - somebody you can’t trust. Do you really want to be married to a man who you worry might hide money from you? And who, with the awareness of your pain, felt entitled to reach out to this woman again? You don’t seem to be questioning his character, and looking at his behavior both during and after the affair, the idea of a “wonderful second marriage” seems out of touch with your actual reality.

Aargh, you’re, not your

Aargh, your seems to be the correct word.

[Anonymous]

you are doing the emotional work for both of you. So he is free to indulge in his mopey, whiny ass little bitch I'm so torn drama, while you hold your family together.

You need to scare the shit out of him. Do a 180, start organizing separate finances, make sure that you know everything, and make sure that once you do, he knows that you know it. Draft a postnuptial agreement. Make him see what his life is going to be like after losing you. Stop taking care of him emotionally, which you are still doing.

and get in touch with your anger. Use it wisely, not to blow things up, but to move forward in your life. You are capable of imaging a 'wonderful second marriage' to this guy, but that is just as much a fantasy--at this point--as his affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ +1 doesn’t sound like your questioning whether YOU want to be with him, in light of who he’s revealed himself to be - somebody you can’t trust. Do you really want to be married to a man who you worry might hide money from you? And who, with the awareness of your pain, felt entitled to reach out to this woman again? You don’t seem to be questioning his character, and looking at his behavior both during and after the affair, the idea of a “wonderful second marriage” seems out of touch with your actual reality.

Aargh, you’re, not your

Aargh, your seems to be the correct word.

Argh, not in the first instance.

[Anonymous]

As said before, unless he's fully committed to making this work, it's not going to work

[Anonymous]

Been there. I was possibly willing to stay at first. He did initially agree to call it of with her. Watching him mourn that(briefy), was excruciating. I was unable to sleep at night, so I was very aware when he started sneaking out of the house during the middle of the night for 4-5 hours at a time. Then I asked him directly "If you were completely free to choose one of us who would you choose?" Long pause. Crickets. Followed by "Don't ask me that." I didn't want to be the one he settled with out of obligation. So I left. So did the other woman.

[Anonymous]

I have rethought my approach. Leave him. You only live once and he is wasting your life with his nonsense. If it was something petty then I would be nah, but this is bigger.

Focus on winning, not losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are two months into counseling after revelation of his 6-month affair with his longtime female friend. He says he was happy in our marriage and just made a stupid mistake by crossing a boundary, but it led to an addiction to this emotional/sexual fantasy. He says he loves me and wants to keep our family (two elementary aged kids) together, but he also still has feelings for this other woman. I have been super human patient throughout the process and can see a bright future for us (a wonderful second marriage to each other) but I'm not sure if he has the strength to pull his weight and man up. I call it a midlife crisis affair. He's in individual counseling as well, but doesn't sound like he's putting forth enough effort to get what he needs. He is "conflicted" and mopey and while he's making some efforts to improve our marriage, I worry that he will never fully get over his feelings for her. He recently cut off communication with her (for a second time in two months, after relapsing) but I'm not seeing him take charge of his own healing. I worry he will try to have his cake and eat it too -- being happy with me but secretly keeping in contact with her. I've spoken to a lawyer but really just need to sit down with DH to work out the details of a separation, just in case we need it later. However, he manages our (rather complicated) finances, so I also worry he is capable of hiding money. Trusting him is hard after all the deception and betrayal. The other woman is married with a large family and lives in another state. I think she wants a future with him, but to his credit, he thinks a future with her is way too poisonous and complicated. My worst nightmare would be to have the other woman as stepmom to my kids, and have to face her for the rest of my life, and watch my children be traumatized by that trainwreck.

If he relapses again (contacts or makes plans to visit her) I will kick him out of the house. Day to day it is hard for me to be happy and not worry, because I cannot control what he does or what he feels. I can love, support, and influence him, but I feel like a prisoner to his midlife crisis. Can anybody relate to my situation? I want his best self to emerge, but cannot prevent his demons from popping up or taking over the wonderful man I love.

Keep marriage together and trust him, making myself vulnerable to future pain?

Cut him loose and know that he will self-destruct, reach out to this other woman, and precipitate the breakdown of two beautiful families? But then I could be on my own and find a wonderful man who gives me the commitment I deserve.

Advice please. I need to give it several more months, right?

Discuss the matter with the best divorce lawyer you can afford, then plan to leave, the sooner the better. '...but he also still has feelings for this other woman...' No. It's you or her. He erred, but his words mean nothing if you are not his only.

I have been married twice. I have been married for much longer than not married. I have learned one incontrovertible truth- a marriage works when each places the other first. Doesn't mean that he doesn't act like a dumb bastard sometimes, or that she isn't a bitch now and then. But each places the other first. You are not first. Time to manage legally the absolute best settlement for you.