Difficult Path with DH

[Anonymous]

DH and I are two months into counseling after revelation of his 6-month affair with his longtime female friend. He says he was happy in our marriage and just made a stupid mistake by crossing a boundary, but it led to an addiction to this emotional/sexual fantasy. He says he loves me and wants to keep our family (two elementary aged kids) together, but he also still has feelings for this other woman. I have been super human patient throughout the process and can see a bright future for us (a wonderful second marriage to each other) but I'm not sure if he has the strength to pull his weight and man up. I call it a midlife crisis affair. He's in individual counseling as well, but doesn't sound like he's putting forth enough effort to get what he needs. He is "conflicted" and mopey and while he's making some efforts to improve our marriage, I worry that he will never fully get over his feelings for her. He recently cut off communication with her (for a second time in two months, after relapsing) but I'm not seeing him take charge of his own healing. I worry he will try to have his cake and eat it too -- being happy with me but secretly keeping in contact with her. I've spoken to a lawyer but really just need to sit down with DH to work out the details of a separation, just in case we need it later. However, he manages our (rather complicated) finances, so I also worry he is capable of hiding money. Trusting him is hard after all the deception and betrayal. The other woman is married with a large family and lives in another state. I think she wants a future with him, but to his credit, he thinks a future with her is way too poisonous and complicated. My worst nightmare would be to have the other woman as stepmom to my kids, and have to face her for the rest of my life, and watch my children be traumatized by that trainwreck.

If he relapses again (contacts or makes plans to visit her) I will kick him out of the house. Day to day it is hard for me to be happy and not worry, because I cannot control what he does or what he feels. I can love, support, and influence him, but I feel like a prisoner to his midlife crisis. Can anybody relate to my situation? I want his best self to emerge, but cannot prevent his demons from popping up or taking over the wonderful man I love.

Keep marriage together and trust him, making myself vulnerable to future pain?

Cut him loose and know that he will self-destruct, reach out to this other woman, and precipitate the breakdown of two beautiful families? But then I could be on my own and find a wonderful man who gives me the commitment I deserve.

Advice please. I need to give it several more months, right?

[Anonymous]

You should be on your own. You do not need a man. Even if this current fantasy fades there will be a next one. Your fantasy affair is with the idea that you need a man. Just as you think if you stop this marriage a better one will come along, he is thinking if he stops this affair a better one will come along. This is how the cycle repeats. You need to get much more realistic if you want to save this marriage.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he still has feelings for her and has already broken your trust again is a huge red flag. If not her, there will be someone else. If he were truly committed to making your marriage work, he would have put every effort into doing so. Start planning to leave him. You need to heal, and learn to grow strong on your own.

[Anonymous]

Have you confronted the AP?

[Anonymous]

Don't use words like "addiction" and "relapsing", they remove the burden of responsibility from him. This isn't an addiction, it's an affair, he didn't "relapse" he went back to her. Confront reality and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you confronted the AP?

OP here -- no I have not. I don't want to. She won't care what I think, anyway. She just wants to stay attached to my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you confronted the AP?

OP here -- no I have not. I don't want to. She won't care what I think, anyway. She just wants to stay attached to my husband.

Have you told her husband? I would. I would blow this thing up and everyone around it. Then divorce his loser ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you confronted the AP?

OP here -- no I have not. I don't want to. She won't care what I think, anyway. She just wants to stay attached to my husband.

Have you told her husband? I would. I would blow this thing up and everyone around it. Then divorce his loser ass.

Same. I'd blow up her life the way she did yours. Might not be the healthiest, but it would make me feel a tad better.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell her husband so that it is out in the open on both sides. That helps to end the .

Let her husband have the same options as you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't use words like "addiction" and "relapsing", they remove the burden of responsibility from him. This isn't an addiction, it's an affair, he didn't "relapse" he went back to her. Confront reality and go from there.

+1

OP, these words are a sign of your unwillingness to accept reality. I get it. It's scary and unknown and very unfair to you. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

He is not putting much of an effort into saving your marriage. Take that as a sign and start to figure out life without him. Living like you are now is not a good way to be for years to come. You can find happiness again without him.

[Anonymous]

Married people have affairs with married people so they don’t get stuck with them and they get all the benefits of the fantasy. Of course he thinks being with her would be too complicated, lol. You make it so easy for him to have his stable marriage and his fantasy sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell her husband so that it is out in the open on both sides. That helps to end the .

Let her husband have the same options as you do.

+1. He deserves to know. Maybe you are worried she will get kicked out and increase the chances that she runs back to your DH. Their relationship is not likely to last once it's in the light of day.

Do your kids know? If at any point they find out, they will not look kindly on the woman who blew up their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you confronted the AP?

OP here -- no I have not. I don't want to. She won't care what I think, anyway. She just wants to stay attached to my husband.

Have you told her husband? I would. I would blow this thing up and everyone around it. Then divorce his loser ass.

Same. I'd blow up her life the way she did yours. Might not be the healthiest, but it would make me feel a tad better.

OP here - her husband already knows. They are trying to mend their marriage just as we are.

[Anonymous]

I’d move along, OP. An affair is one thing. Making your partner feel guilty by moping around Fromm losing your OP is another. Personally, I could forgive the first, but not the second.

Your DH wants all the trappings of both married and single life, and it just doesn’t work that way. Sulking over losing something he never should have had is disgusting, especially as it puts the burden on you to hold the family together. It’s nit your problem- it’s his. And if he wants that problem, it’s time to let him fly. You are not his bonus girl - you are the one he vowed to, and you come first or not at all. If he is “conflicted”, that’s his problem to solve as you had nothing to do with him getting into conflict.