DH's family still bitter about our wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to shut this down. Couples get married where they live.

Their argument is that DH did not actually live in LA or San Diego (he was in the military and had been in LA less than two years when we married). Did I accidentally hold a destination wedding? I'm so humiliated at the idea.

Aha! Now we know the truth. They hated that the military sent him so far away, but thought he'd come back home after he'd served. Instead, he married a girl in SoCal, cementing the fact that he was never coming back.

Yep.

This.

Tale as old as time in military circles.

Agreed. They're mad at him.

OP, you have nothing to be hurt or humiliated about. It's not your fault or your problem that they don't like that their boy doesn't live close by. The fact that they keep harping on it in this way, year after year, trying to blame you, is not fair to you. It's toxic. You should work on building stronger boundaries for yourself. Just because someone wants to dump their negativity on you doesn't mean you open the door and take it in.

And from now on, any time someone brings it up, start singing "Let It Go."

[Anonymous]

I don't care if you had a destination wedding, a courthouse wedding, or a Vegas strip wedding, if people are still talking about this after 9 years that's their problem, not yours.
And no it wasn't a destination wedding because you lived out there. And if they didn't want to attend the didn't have to and shouldn't have.

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with a destination wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with a destination wedding?

It's considered uncouth to have people spend money to come to your wedding because you decided to have it somewhere "exotic."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're mad he never came home. He's the missing face at all the family events. But he's their son/brother, so instead they're projecting it on you.

Marrying a girl who lived on the West Coast just cemented the fact he was never coming back, and that's what they're upset about.

This. They are upset he had the audacity to marry someone who didn't make him move back. Getting married where you live is not a "destination."

My family is exactly like this, and they are crazy pants. They want something to be upset about so they can talk about people badly behind their backs. Who ever is not in the room (or the area) is the person who is complained and gossiped about.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you had married in the DC area, your family would have had to travel from the west coast out here for the wedding. With the families on opposite coasts, someone is going to have to travel. It's the unfortunate flip of the coin of life that your family was out that way and that it was more convenient to host it out there. You did nothing wrong. The only thing you might have done to make it easier was to have a second reception dinner out on the East Coast soon after the wedding for the East Coast family to attend and convey their well wishes. But that's expensive and not at all required.

I think you need to have your husband talk to his family and explain (again!) that with the two families on opposite coasts that someone was going to have to travel. Since you were living on the west coast, it was easier for you to plan on that coast rather than plan a wedding 3000 miles away so you chose that location. They need to grow up and he needs to tell them that.

At this point, the only thing to consider is maybe having a 10 year anniversary renewal of vows and a big party in the DC area to host that family. Talk to your husband and see if this is the type of gesture that would make them calm down. Otherwise, just move on.

[Anonymous]

Time to send out your destination vow renewal invitations. Location: San Diego. F** them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you had married in the DC area, your family would have had to travel from the west coast out here for the wedding. With the families on opposite coasts, someone is going to have to travel. It's the unfortunate flip of the coin of life that your family was out that way and that it was more convenient to host it out there. You did nothing wrong. The only thing you might have done to make it easier was to have a second reception dinner out on the East Coast soon after the wedding for the East Coast family to attend and convey their well wishes. But that's expensive and not at all required.

I think you need to have your husband talk to his family and explain (again!) that with the two families on opposite coasts that someone was going to have to travel. Since you were living on the west coast, it was easier for you to plan on that coast rather than plan a wedding 3000 miles away so you chose that location. They need to grow up and he needs to tell them that.

At this point, the only thing to consider is maybe having a 10 year anniversary renewal of vows and a big party in the DC area to host that family. Talk to your husband and see if this is the type of gesture that would make them calm down. Otherwise, just move on.

We posted at the same time. You're more generous than I.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm wondering who let this slip now and WHY?

Anyway, the only reaction is to burst out laughing at that imagined slight. It's a place of privilege they are coming from if this is all they have to complain about. I've also experienced a weird chip on the shoulder from some people about California... especially related to the military... like 'that California girl took you and now you are too good for us and are never coming back.' Just laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm wondering who let this slip now and WHY?

Anyway, the only reaction is to burst out laughing at that imagined slight. It's a place of privilege they are coming from if this is all they have to complain about. I've also experienced a weird chip on the shoulder from some people about California... especially related to the military... like 'that California girl took you and now you are too good for us and are never coming back.' Just laugh.

Oddly, I get the exact opposite from my H's relatives, I "stole" him away from SoCal, despite the fact that he was living in DC, and had been for nearly 3 years when we got married and I moved to DC after grad school because he was here and had a job. But it's clearly my fault he never went back West, even though I'm not from DC or anywhere near it either!!

[Anonymous]

I bet it's not your DH's family, it's the _females_ in DH's family. I can't see any man caring about something like this, especially 9 years later.

Do these family members not have hobbies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with a destination wedding?

Absolutely nothing. Have your wedding whenever/wherever you see fit as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with a destination wedding?

Nothing is wrong, IMHO, with having a wedding wherever and however you want. A lot is wrong, IMHO, with having it somewhere expensive, inconvenient, and then guilt-tripping friends and relatives for not attending. In fact, a lot is wrong with doing that even if it is somewhere cheap and easy to get to.

Basically, the problem is guilt-tripping people you care about for not attending your wedding. The problem is also guilt-tripping the bride and groom for not having the wedding you wanted them to have.

That said, I agree with several PPs that this is nothing about the wedding and everything about unresolved issues around your DH not living close to his family. I get it. Not quite so severe, but I get it. It's your ILs issue, not yours. DH doesn't call his mom enough. He didn't when he lived less than an hour from her either. But not it's my fault, because MIL can't think anything bad about her perfect son. Nevermind the fact that at least now he "remembers" her birthday and to do things like send her flowers on Mother's Day. It's not what she really wants, which is apparently for him never to have left her home, so it's my fault.

[Anonymous]

I just found out

Don't do drama

[Anonymous]

Your reasons for having a wedding in a particular place don't really matter. You and your family threw a party, and you included your husband's family. Having bitterness about anything nearly ten years later is nuts. To me this smacks of needing to control and guilt other people, which is not a healthy way to manage relationships.

Agreed.