Donor Children Speak Out as Adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg OP! Another thread? What is your point? You are trolling this forum.

I think these threads should be moved out of infertility. It's not helping women conceive.

Stop trolling.

NP: OP, we get it, you have an agenda, you don't want any discussion. Unfortunately for you that isn't how open discussion forums work. I suggest you try blogging.

You have an agenda. Your agenda is to block discussion about open vs. anonymous gamete donation. People on this forum want to discuss that. People (other than me) asked "What if you donated sperm or eggs" and "Would you use DE" and other such questions. People want to have open discussion and hear form other people with different point of view. People will do what they want to do regardless of other people's opinions. This discussion is not affecting anyone's ability to conceive, such claim is ridiculous. You have complained to Jeff. You have posted from different devices calling all of us trolls. You have tried character attacks. Stop. Please stop. Do not read any thread that you don't like. But stop trying to prevent others who want to have a discussion from having it.

I posted the comment above your and one other comment in this thread (the one about being a lesbian and going to mandatory counseling). I just think you are working with a lot of mis-perceptions.

1. You think only one person is questioning you, and clearly there are several of us.
2. That people who use "donated" genetic material are unaware of potential identity issues for their kids-this is actually a hot topic that's widely discussed among people thinking about using donor sperm or eggs, and at least among queer parents to be, trends are strongly in favor of using known or willing to be known donors.
3. As I said earlier in the thread, at least in Maryland every single person who seeks to have a child using donated genetic materials has to go through counseling, which covers challenges that donor conceived children may face, and the best ways to discuss these issues with kids.
4. In my understanding of the research, as well as the hundred of donor conceived kids of gay parents I personally know, the issue isn't having a donor, it's having a donor that's kept secret and then finding out as a teen or adult. When kids have always known that they have a donor they may want to learn more, but they don't have the sense of betrayal and loss that comes with having their origins hidden.
5. I think this would be a great topic for discussion if the OP would allow discussion, but I don't think it should be on the infertility board-use of donated genetic material isn't just a topic for people dealing with infertility, and I do think OP's tone is particularly unkind to people on this board.

I am kinda curious about how you came to know a hundred of donor-conceived kids of gay parents. I don't think I know a hundred kids, all told, and here you are with a hundred of kids from a very specific type of family that you know personally. How come?

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My problem with articles like these are that they cherry pick the people they talk to. There are 10-15 thousand donor egg cycles done in the US every year and probably many more donor sperm cycles. Just considering donor egg IVF, there are literally hundreds of thousands of donor egg-conceived children currently living in the US. Of course you can find a few who are upset, usually because they have other underlying issues with their parents. [b]The same is true of anecdotal articles about adoption. And, of course, there are plenty of kids who have issues with their genetically-related parents.

I have never seen any statistically significant, evidence-based studies that show that donor conceived children have a higher rate of dissatisfaction with the parents who raised them than do non-donor conceived children.[/b] [/quote]

+1. [b]As an adoptee, the issue of identity, genetics, are a huge issue but luckily my parents told me when I was 4 years old so being adopted wasn't this huge secret. Had they waited until I was older that would have been devastating: to my identity, to trusting my parents and others, etc. But since they told me when I was young it just one part of growing up. As these two DE articles point out, some people were told when they were adults and that's just not right[/b]. [/quote]

I am so glad for you. The problem is that many people do not like to tell for what ever reason (some legitimate, e.g. in the interview one woman said that her mother was afraid that husband's family would write a daughter out of a will if found out she was not a genetic grandchild).
Many recipients go to great lengths to find an anonymous donor who resembles them precisely to keep it secret. I agree with you that keeping secrets is devastating to one's self-esteem and identity.[/quote]
Devastating to[b] some rare individual's [/b]self-esteem and identity. No reason to put everyone in one bucket. Some people struggle with identity for whatever reason, but most don't. I can care less about my genetic make up as a lot of other people. [/quote]

Can you provide links to interviews with donor children who “could care less” about their genetic make up?[/quote]
People do not want to be interviewed when they simply live their lives. It's people with issues who want to bring attention and get interviewed. What does knowing your donors give you? They are not your family by any means. I understand simple curiosity, thus people do 23 and me, but issues with identity - that's venturing into psychiatry, it's not common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my understanding counseling is intended to guide you through donation treatment issues. However, it does not legally bind you or a donor to disclose donor's identity to a child or to even tell a child that h/she was donor conceived. In countries like Canada and the UK egg donation, for example, is only possible if open/disclosed.
In my opinion, open sperm and egg donation would protect welfare of a child. It would be up to a child to decide whether or not they want to contact their donor. Now, I do realize this would probably discourage donors that are purely financially motivated but maybe that would be for better - leaving only those that are doing it from gratuitous reasons.

Another lesbian couple who had to do the same - I found it to be complete and utter BS. The hassle, the cost - ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My problem with articles like these are that they cherry pick the people they talk to. There are 10-15 thousand donor egg cycles done in the US every year and probably many more donor sperm cycles. Just considering donor egg IVF, there are literally hundreds of thousands of donor egg-conceived children currently living in the US. Of course you can find a few who are upset, usually because they have other underlying issues with their parents. [b]The same is true of anecdotal articles about adoption. And, of course, there are plenty of kids who have issues with their genetically-related parents.

I have never seen any statistically significant, evidence-based studies that show that donor conceived children have a higher rate of dissatisfaction with the parents who raised them than do non-donor conceived children.[/b] [/quote]

+1. [b]As an adoptee, the issue of identity, genetics, are a huge issue but luckily my parents told me when I was 4 years old so being adopted wasn't this huge secret. Had they waited until I was older that would have been devastating: to my identity, to trusting my parents and others, etc. But since they told me when I was young it just one part of growing up. As these two DE articles point out, some people were told when they were adults and that's just not right[/b]. [/quote]

I am so glad for you. The problem is that many people do not like to tell for what ever reason (some legitimate, e.g. in the interview one woman said that her mother was afraid that husband's family would write a daughter out of a will if found out she was not a genetic grandchild).
Many recipients go to great lengths to find an anonymous donor who resembles them precisely to keep it secret. I agree with you that keeping secrets is devastating to one's self-esteem and identity.[/quote]
Devastating to[b] some rare individual's [/b]self-esteem and identity. No reason to put everyone in one bucket. Some people struggle with identity for whatever reason, but most don't. I can care less about my genetic make up as a lot of other people. [/quote]

Can you provide links to interviews with donor children who “could care less” about their genetic make up?[/quote]
People do not want to be interviewed when they simply live their lives. It's people with issues who want to bring attention and get interviewed. What does knowing your donors give you? [b]They are not your family by any means. [/b]I understand simple curiosity, thus people do 23 and me, but issues with identity - that's venturing into psychiatry, it's not common. [/quote]

Many donor children would disagree with you. Unlike many, many interviews and resources where donor children feel that there is a missing part in their life even after finding out early that they are donor conceived (two people in the interview state precisely that and the interviewer did not mince her words when asking precisely that question) compared to very little or non-existent number of resources that claim that support a thesis that children do not care about their genetic origins. Here is just one of many aggregate sites that compiled numerous donor resources on internet. Please provide similar resource for those that do not care about their genetic origin.
https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/resources/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg OP! Another thread? What is your point? You are trolling this forum.

I think these threads should be moved out of infertility. It's not helping women conceive.

Stop trolling.

NP: OP, we get it, you have an agenda, you don't want any discussion. Unfortunately for you that isn't how open discussion forums work. I suggest you try blogging.

You have an agenda. Your agenda is to block discussion about open vs. anonymous gamete donation. People on this forum want to discuss that. People (other than me) asked "What if you donated sperm or eggs" and "Would you use DE" and other such questions. People want to have open discussion and hear form other people with different point of view. People will do what they want to do regardless of other people's opinions. This discussion is not affecting anyone's ability to conceive, such claim is ridiculous. You have complained to Jeff. You have posted from different devices calling all of us trolls. You have tried character attacks. Stop. Please stop. Do not read any thread that you don't like. But stop trying to prevent others who want to have a discussion from having it.

I posted the comment above your and one other comment in this thread (the one about being a lesbian and going to mandatory counseling). I just think you are working with a lot of mis-perceptions.

1. You think only one person is questioning you, and clearly there are several of us.
2. That people who use "donated" genetic material are unaware of potential identity issues for their kids-this is actually a hot topic that's widely discussed among people thinking about using donor sperm or eggs, and at least among queer parents to be, trends are strongly in favor of using known or willing to be known donors.
3. As I said earlier in the thread, at least in Maryland every single person who seeks to have a child using donated genetic materials has to go through counseling, which covers challenges that donor conceived children may face, and the best ways to discuss these issues with kids.
4. In my understanding of the research, as well as the hundred of donor conceived kids of gay parents I personally know, the issue isn't having a donor, it's having a donor that's kept secret and then finding out as a teen or adult. When kids have always known that they have a donor they may want to learn more, but they don't have the sense of betrayal and loss that comes with having their origins hidden.
5. I think this would be a great topic for discussion if the OP would allow discussion, but I don't think it should be on the infertility board-use of donated genetic material isn't just a topic for people dealing with infertility, and I do think OP's tone is particularly unkind to people on this board.

I am kinda curious about how you came to know a hundred of donor-conceived kids of gay parents. I don't think I know a hundred kids, all told, and here you are with a hundred of kids from a very specific type of family that you know personally. How come?

Because I'm a active in online groups and meetups. If you're part of a very specific type of people it's really easy these days to meet 100s like you.

[Anonymous]

You are a donor-conceived child of gay parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg OP! Another thread? What is your point? You are trolling this forum.

I think these threads should be moved out of infertility. It's not helping women conceive.

Stop trolling.

NP: OP, we get it, you have an agenda, you don't want any discussion. Unfortunately for you that isn't how open discussion forums work. I suggest you try blogging.

You have an agenda. Your agenda is to block discussion about open vs. anonymous gamete donation. People on this forum want to discuss that. People (other than me) asked "What if you donated sperm or eggs" and "Would you use DE" and other such questions. People want to have open discussion and hear form other people with different point of view. People will do what they want to do regardless of other people's opinions. This discussion is not affecting anyone's ability to conceive, such claim is ridiculous. You have complained to Jeff. You have posted from different devices calling all of us trolls. You have tried character attacks. Stop. Please stop. Do not read any thread that you don't like. But stop trying to prevent others who want to have a discussion from having it.

I posted the comment above your and one other comment in this thread (the one about being a lesbian and going to mandatory counseling). I just think you are working with a lot of mis-perceptions.

1. You think only one person is questioning you, and clearly there are several of us.
2. That people who use "donated" genetic material are unaware of potential identity issues for their kids-this is actually a hot topic that's widely discussed among people thinking about using donor sperm or eggs, and at least among queer parents to be, trends are strongly in favor of using known or willing to be known donors.
3. As I said earlier in the thread, at least in Maryland every single person who seeks to have a child using donated genetic materials has to go through counseling, which covers challenges that donor conceived children may face, and the best ways to discuss these issues with kids.
4. In my understanding of the research, as well as the hundred of donor conceived kids of gay parents I personally know, the issue isn't having a donor, it's having a donor that's kept secret and then finding out as a teen or adult. When kids have always known that they have a donor they may want to learn more, but they don't have the sense of betrayal and loss that comes with having their origins hidden.
5. I think this would be a great topic for discussion if the OP would allow discussion, but I don't think it should be on the infertility board-use of donated genetic material isn't just a topic for people dealing with infertility, and I do think OP's tone is particularly unkind to people on this board.

I am kinda curious about how you came to know a hundred of donor-conceived kids of gay parents. I don't think I know a hundred kids, all told, and here you are with a hundred of kids from a very specific type of family that you know personally. How come?

Because I'm a active in online groups and meetups. If you're part of a very specific type of people it's really easy these days to meet 100s like you.

It's the same for donor-conceived people. They meet 1000s of those like them. They have extensive networks: https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/resources/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my understanding counseling is intended to guide you through donation treatment issues. However, it does not legally bind you or a donor to disclose donor's identity to a child or to even tell a child that h/she was donor conceived. In countries like Canada and the UK egg donation, for example, is only possible if open/disclosed.
In my opinion, open sperm and egg donation would protect welfare of a child. It would be up to a child to decide whether or not they want to contact their donor. Now, I do realize this would probably discourage donors that are purely financially motivated but maybe that would be for better - leaving only those that are doing it from gratuitous reasons.

Another lesbian couple who had to do the same - I found it to be complete and utter BS. The hassle, the cost - ridiculous.

Practically no one "donates" for altruistic reasons as evidenced by the countries that have outlawed anonymous donation. The donor supply has vanished. Many European couples look to the U.S. to find donors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my understanding counseling is intended to guide you through donation treatment issues. However, it does not legally bind you or a donor to disclose donor's identity to a child or to even tell a child that h/she was donor conceived. In countries like Canada and the UK egg donation, for example, is only possible if open/disclosed.
In my opinion, open sperm and egg donation would protect welfare of a child. It would be up to a child to decide whether or not they want to contact their donor. Now, I do realize this would probably discourage donors that are purely financially motivated but maybe that would be for better - leaving only those that are doing it from gratuitous reasons.

Another lesbian couple who had to do the same - I found it to be complete and utter BS. The hassle, the cost - ridiculous.

Practically no one "donates" for altruistic reasons as evidenced by the countries that have outlawed anonymous donation. The donor supply has vanished. Many European couples look to the U.S. to find donors.

Very true. Yet, it is so encouraging to see benevolent donors like the Asian donor on the "If you donated your eggs or sperm" thread. I think it would be incredibly beneficial to donor-conceived children if all donations were open. I am not against monetary reward for donors but if donations were open it would prove that they are not doing it just for money and are open to future contact with children. Everyone involved would benefit, particularly children.

[Anonymous]

OP. Please stop. We all got your point a number of threads ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Please stop. We all got your point a number of threads ago.

Op here. Those were not my threads. So, please skip this thread and don't leave any comments. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

That seems like a very specific subset of donor-conceived adults. Not sure why you think it’d be applicable to the people here on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That seems like a very specific subset of donor-conceived adults. Not sure why you think it’d be applicable to the people here on this board.

If it's not applicable to you simply skip the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That seems like a very specific subset of donor-conceived adults. Not sure why you think it’d be applicable to the people here on this board.

If it's not applicable to you simply skip the thread.

Well, you’re clearly trying to Make a Statement here by saying it IS applicable. Like starting a thread entitled “Why don’t you all just adopt??” You’d be justifiably smacked down for that, and frankly, you deserve to be smacked down for this.

These are questions that 100% of parents involved with gamete donation have already considered. Your article contributes nothing, and is offensive in its arrogance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That seems like a very specific subset of donor-conceived adults. Not sure why you think it’d be applicable to the people here on this board.

If it's not applicable to you simply skip the thread.

Well, you’re clearly trying to Make a Statement here by saying it IS applicable. Like starting a thread entitled “Why don’t you all just adopt??” You’d be justifiably smacked down for that, and frankly, you deserve to be smacked down for this.

These are questions that 100% of parents involved with gamete donation have already considered. Your article contributes nothing, and is offensive in its arrogance.

Not sure what threads you are talking about but that's not me. You are trying to make a statement by trying to stop conversations. You also have a superiority complex by thinking that you can smack anyone down. I'd like to see you do that in real life.