Reply to Obsessive rumination over bad relationship with my mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I am really sorry you are going through this, first of all. Secondly I have had a similar experience with my own mother, except she was not excited or remotely interested in my having children.

I think your mother and mine and many others feel displaced when the grandchildren come along, its no longer all about them, but all about the kids and they can't handle it. The criticism comes from the fact they want to be the know-all and wise one who everyone sees as a kind of family leader. And it doesn't happen and they get angry and bitter and jealous and act badly and let you down.

We found moving 6000 miles away (to LA from London) helped immensely.[/quote]

Thank you for this! I think that is a part of it, too. She thought she would become a matriarch but she has turned out to be too unreliable for my DH and I to trust her judgment for too much childcare. She had visions of her dropping into my house whenever she wanted, grabbing a plate of dinner, and leaving as she wished. I shut that down quickly when she came into my house one day when I was in the bathroom and she walked into my sleeping baby's room and stood watching him. I heard someone walking around downstairs and then up to my son's room and was terrified. When I told her how much she scared me, she said "Well then I'll never come over again" and walked out of the house and slammed the door. Yeah.

Anyways, here's the quote I read this morning that helped me. From the book Boundaries.

"Many times to set boundaries with someone is to risk losing the love that you have craved for a long time. To state to say no to a controlling parent is to get in touch with the sadness of what you do not have with them, instead of still working hard to get it. This working hard keeps you away from the grief and keeps you stuck. But accepting the reality of who they are and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief. And that is sad indeed."

WOW. 
[/quote]

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