Here is what I want Siblings to understand about Supporting our Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

I've posted recently about dealing with aging parents and being the adult child who lives closest. I get that some of those who don't live closer sometimes feel like they have to walk on eggshells and want to know what they can do to help. In my case it isn't about the physical help as much as it is about being treated like the hired help. However here is something I have tried to explain to my own siblings that I hope helps someone else out there. i am sl also wondering if my experience is unique or relatable.

You are dealing with someone who is the brunt of the aging parent's wrath. When mom decides the day of her doctor's appointment she isn't in the mood I still have to make sure she goes. When you call from afar or even visit she is on her bet behavior. When she deals with me she is way too comfortable lashing out.

Oh you say, get some hired help or have dad take some happy meds? Please, I beg you, try to convince them because if I do it it's another outburst.

What, mom told you she didn't like the doctor I found? Well this is the 4th doctor, all from top schools with top reviews. Please, why don't you find her one and take her there yourself. Maybe she'll feel comfortable enough to last out at you too.

You think dad should see this specialist 2 hours away? Wonderful. how is he supposed to get there? Are you coming to town to do it? Now you've put the idea in his head and he is literally obsessed and brings it up every.time.I.check.on.them.

Guess what? I have kids and a husband and a job. Do you think after getting verbally torn down by our parents I go home to a spa and can just relax? No, and to make matters worse, when i try to relax and take me time YOU call to tell me what else I should be doing. I don't answer. You call again and text and email. Then you wonder why I am so frustrated and say things like :"why don't you come to town and do it yourself." Sometimes siblings call for reassurance. While I might be able to play therapist with you about our aging parents if I had time to take care of myself more, I cannot do that for you. Please don't call me anxious and hysterical because it's so hard to see mom and dad aging when you visit. During that visit, they were on their best behavior with you, refused your help and then as soon you left all they did was complain about you, me, life, aches, liberals, anything.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry it's so hard for you, OP. It sounds like a really difficult situation. Have you expressed these things to your siblings? If not, maybe you can just email them what you've written above. You sound depleted and pulled in many directions. Push back as much as you need to. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, and your kids to take care of yourself and leave over some quality time for them as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry it's so hard for you, OP. It sounds like a really difficult situation. Have you expressed these things to your siblings? If not, maybe you can just email them what you've written above. You sound depleted and pulled in many directions. Push back as much as you need to. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, and your kids to take care of yourself and leave over some quality time for them as well.

Thanks. Yes I have. However, since our parents are on better behavior with them, they don't get it. The funny thing is when they do get the occasional lash out, they try to make me the intermediary for communication. I have explained i get this lash out on a regular basis and am not looking for more aggravation so they have to communicate directly.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone is in your situation, exactly. Sometimes the sibling is a family member who is sketchy, but wants control of the money - to end up with every penny - and they do everything (marginally legal and not) to do so. Even if the family has little money, that kind of sibling is certain to sign everything over to themselves, to collect the social security, disability, and benefits from the ailing family member. Not to mention the forged life insurance paid with the unsuspecting and ailing family member's money - the one used for the cheap cremation, instead of a proper burial congruent to the ailing family member's wishes. ("You couldn't spring for a basic casket and viewing with their $100k plus, really?" "You don't know how terrified your parent is of fire?")

In your case, you have a full time job and children to raise. In my friend's case, the sibling has neither a full time job, nor part time job, nor any children - but is still always "so stressed". She is "so stressed" because she is drinking wine for breakfast (started well before the parents lived close), watches The Kardashians all day on her laptop, is addicted to plastic surgery, and has multiple self imposed psych issues, including eating disorders (plural). The plastic surgery fund is from the money she stole from the family, each time a family member passes. So not only does the family member not get proper care while they are alive, but were probably abused, and definitely robbed. All so the sibling can have a new face, new stuff for their house, and new cars to drive. That kind of sibling is despicable, lower than low, and never, ever happy.

In your case, if you are willing to be open, honest, fair and diplomatic with what your ailing family member needs, and are not greedy or with one or many ulterior motives (like the example above, sounds like you are not), try sending your siblings an email, outlining what you need, exactly.

You seem like in your situation, your heart is in the right place, OP. It is extremely difficult when there is deception involved. It seems like your are not being deceptive, but might need to communicate more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is in your situation, exactly. Sometimes the sibling is a family member who is sketchy, but wants control of the money - to end up with every penny - and they do everything (marginally legal and not) to do so. Even if the family has little money, that kind of sibling is certain to sign everything over to themselves, to collect the social security, disability, and benefits from the ailing family member. Not to mention the forged life insurance paid with the unsuspecting and ailing family member's money - the one used for the cheap cremation, instead of a proper burial congruent to the ailing family member's wishes. ("You couldn't spring for a basic casket and viewing with their $100k plus, really?" "You don't know how terrified your parent is of fire?")

In your case, you have a full time job and children to raise. In my friend's case, the sibling has neither a full time job, nor part time job, nor any children - but is still always "so stressed". She is "so stressed" because she is drinking wine for breakfast (started well before the parents lived close), watches The Kardashians all day on her laptop, is addicted to plastic surgery, and has multiple self imposed psych issues, including eating disorders (plural). The plastic surgery fund is from the money she stole from the family, each time a family member passes. So not only does the family member not get proper care while they are alive, but were probably abused, and definitely robbed. All so the sibling can have a new face, new stuff for their house, and new cars to drive. That kind of sibling is despicable, lower than low, and never, ever happy.

In your case, if you are willing to be open, honest, fair and diplomatic with what your ailing family member needs, and are not greedy or with one or many ulterior motives (like the example above, sounds like you are not), try sending your siblings an email, outlining what you need, exactly.

You seem like in your situation, your heart is in the right place, OP. It is extremely difficult when there is deception involved. It seems like your are not being deceptive, but might need to communicate more.

What was your point in putting this story in this thread. How exactly are you helping? Did you even read the original post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is in your situation, exactly. Sometimes the sibling is a family member who is sketchy, but wants control of the money - to end up with every penny - and they do everything (marginally legal and not) to do so. Even if the family has little money, that kind of sibling is certain to sign everything over to themselves, to collect the social security, disability, and benefits from the ailing family member. Not to mention the forged life insurance paid with the unsuspecting and ailing family member's money - the one used for the cheap cremation, instead of a proper burial congruent to the ailing family member's wishes. ("You couldn't spring for a basic casket and viewing with their $100k plus, really?" "You don't know how terrified your parent is of fire?")

In your case, you have a full time job and children to raise. In my friend's case, the sibling has neither a full time job, nor part time job, nor any children - but is still always "so stressed". She is "so stressed" because she is drinking wine for breakfast (started well before the parents lived close), watches The Kardashians all day on her laptop, is addicted to plastic surgery, and has multiple self imposed psych issues, including eating disorders (plural). The plastic surgery fund is from the money she stole from the family, each time a family member passes. So not only does the family member not get proper care while they are alive, but were probably abused, and definitely robbed. All so the sibling can have a new face, new stuff for their house, and new cars to drive. That kind of sibling is despicable, lower than low, and never, ever happy.

In your case, if you are willing to be open, honest, fair and diplomatic with what your ailing family member needs, and are not greedy or with one or many ulterior motives (like the example above, sounds like you are not), try sending your siblings an email, outlining what you need, exactly.

You seem like in your situation, your heart is in the right place, OP. It is extremely difficult when there is deception involved. It seems like your are not being deceptive, but might need to communicate more.

What was your point in putting this story in this thread. How exactly are you helping? Did you even read the original post?

Yes, but thanks for the snark - it added so much :sarcasm:.

Point being, OP - not everyone involved knows what is really happening. People who have obligations don't always speak up, and people who don't have any obligations may be more willing to fabricate "how busy they are" (not).

If OP's family is the type to get along well, or at least communicate minimally, OP should be telling her siblings exactly what she needs. In other words, spell out how the other siblings can help. Otherwise, the sibling may think that she is the sibling who is (as an example of my friend above) is feigning to be "just so stressed" over nothing. If you have been through it, you know. But really PP, you should try to add something helpful.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your sibling and ask her to talk to your parents to behave better with you and to appreciate you. Ask your sibling to actively find someone to pay to help your parents.

Yes I can relate. I'm in your shoes. But I've called out my dad and told my sister when he has acted unappreciative. Parents and siblings forget all that you put aside to help them so you have to remind them if they act rude.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have communicated multiple times and it falls on deaf ears. My parents will not accept help in the home. It's a long process. The sibling causing the most aggravation is the one who none of us really got along well with and she was somewhat estranged from my parents.

Regarding the post about whether or not someone is truly busy. I have news for you. I know people who are SAHMs who are more busy than I am working part time, raising kids, helping my parents, etc. I would not be so judgmental about how stressful it is or is not supporting parents. You don't know who is physically or mentally ill or who has a special needs child or who has a husband who cannot help at all or anything.

My point in posting this thread (which I did not make clear so I apologize) is basically show EMPATHY. If you don't like your parents yelling at you then think about what it is like to deal with it daily as you try to help. Be kind to the one there and don't make demands. You can ask for their input and see how they feel about suggestions, but as I said I am not the hired help.

Yes, I have asked them to tell the parents to be more respectful and I too have set limits, when we have to say make it to an appointment sometimes I am stuck getting yelled at rather than having them end up on a 6 month waitlist for a new appointment when they already have to pay for the one they miss because they aren't in the mood.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I agree OP, empathy is needed. I don't know if your siblings know what that word means, however. Did not mean to offend with the other example, maybe the (other example) sibling is mentally ill, but it seems like she is just greedy (plus, no job and no kids and likes to spend, spend, spend on herself. There are other issues in that family, too, apparently - greedy sibling being the biggest issue).

Siblings can be greedy in different ways, sounds like yours are really ungrateful. No harm in reminding them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I'm in similar shoes, though thankfully my sibling has been reasonable. The verbal abuse/lashing out got so bad from my mom that one day I just snapped. I had a breakdown b/c the pressure from work, small kids at home, H with his own health issues, and lack of sleep finally got to me and I'm not made of steel. I screamed and howled like a wounded animal for 5 minutes. After that mom has been much nicer to me. Wish you strength and peace.

[Anonymous]

I am the sibling who is far away and cannot help with my elderly parents. My unmarried brother lives with them and does the lion’s share of caregiving. My oldest sister, a retired doctor, lives in the same neighborhood but does very little except the occasional quick drop-in to check their health or drop off a baked good. My other sister lives there but has a mental illness and helps out a little but has difficulty with executive functioning. I listen to my brother vent and try to be as supportive as possible. I do not ever criticize him or let my parents criticize him. It is the least I can do. I try to visit twice a year by myself and lend a hand.

[Anonymous]

Op...this may sound crazy but I wonder if you could record one of the lash outs and just send it to your siblings so they will get a clue?

[Anonymous]

OP here checking in. I really appreciate the responses and the kindness. I also appreciate the apology from the person who shared the greed story. I have no doubt that happens, but thank you for recognizing that was not the case here.

16:37 that sounds wonderful. I honestly don't mind doing things because I do feel indebted to my parents and if I just got showed empathy and gratitude it would be enough at least in terms of the tasks I deal with now.

15:33, I am so sorry it got to that point, but it sounds like it changed things for the better. I had a similar meltdown to my sister one of the times she tried to put more work on me. It honestly just made her think I was nuts. She alienated a lot of people because she doesn't really have much empathy. So I try to remind myself it is not personal, but it still makes it annoying. She has dealt with her share of complaints about her personality at work even though she is pretty high up and she is always stunned to hear anyone things she's rude and arrogant.

[Anonymous]

You need to put this in a letter and mail it to them.

My husband has been guilty of this because he is the one living abroad, while his family lives in one area in a European country. Plus, he's a doctor, and does provide useful feedback, so it's hard to just tell him to "shut up". Luckily his siblings are very patient with him, but yes, I'm afraid he's sometimes increased everyone's stress levels... even though I'm very aware of this and always try to get him to be reasonable.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you could do a listserve for family members and give them a (weekly/monthly) update. Set a time and let them know if you want them to call or email back any comments. It could be brief. It can reiterate points you make here. I am thinking that if you are on the phone with them/if they call a lot, an email would actually take less time. I think I'd find it less annoying than hearing their whiny voices/concerns/circular efforts to change your mind.

you could have a sign-off like

I love you and as always, if you have any other things you'd like them to do or drs you'd like them to see, I leave that in your capable hands to set up and manage transport for them.