Sick of Smug Girlfriends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know no women like this.

Truthfully, this was probably always the plan and they were just hedging their bets by saying how career oriented they are in case it never happened.

This.

This. This isn't unheard of. These are typically women from UMC families who are smart, have always done well in school and they and their parents know how the game is played. They do well in high school and go to top/good colleges. Gone are the days where they are in it for the Mrs. degree and study something unmarketable like communications. They pursue tough majors, internships, grad school etc. The entire time the "unsaid" goal is to land a rich man/a man who is on the path to being rich so they can be the SAHM who vacations 4 times/yr and lives in a mansion. However, they have positioned them into careers where they can themselves make 100k+ -- just in case they can't lock it down with a man or they lock it down with a man who merely makes 100k or 150k and can't afford them the large life they want. But the "prize" here is if you never have to use that degree bc your man brings in 500k+ on his own. I can think of at least 10 women in my law school graduating class (top 5 law school - graduated within the last decade) who pursued this path. They either married money so there was no reason to grind away once there was a ring on it within 1-2 yrs of law school graduation OR they made the "hard" decision that both husband and wife couldn't pursue partnership and the husband loved it sooooo much that the wife would be the stay home and her full time job would be to support her husband in making partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know no women like this.

Truthfully, this was probably always the plan and they were just hedging their bets by saying how career oriented they are in case it never happened.

This.

This. This isn't unheard of. These are typically women from UMC families who are smart, have always done well in school and they and their parents know how the game is played. They do well in high school and go to top/good colleges. Gone are the days where they are in it for the Mrs. degree and study something unmarketable like communications. They pursue tough majors, internships, grad school etc. The entire time the "unsaid" goal is to land a rich man/a man who is on the path to being rich so they can be the SAHM who vacations 4 times/yr and lives in a mansion. However, they have positioned them into careers where they can themselves make 100k+ -- just in case they can't lock it down with a man or they lock it down with a man who merely makes 100k or 150k and can't afford them the large life they want. But the "prize" here is if you never have to use that degree bc your man brings in 500k+ on his own. I can think of at least 10 women in my law school graduating class (top 5 law school - graduated within the last decade) who pursued this path. They either married money so there was no reason to grind away once there was a ring on it within 1-2 yrs of law school graduation OR they made the "hard" decision that both husband and wife couldn't pursue partnership and the husband loved it sooooo much that the wife would be the stay home and her full time job would be to support her husband in making partner.

OP here. Yeah my friends aren’t dummy’s. They’ve always been incredibly smart and ambitious. I had no idea they’d take a step back from professional intellectual ambitions once they married. Before their accomplishments were to get into that prestigious program or get that coveted job. Now they say their accomplishment is to marry a very high earner so they don’t have to use their rigorous education and training. My friends who are married are now pinning up a storm on Pinterest learning crafts and baking. Others who aren’t married yet but in serious relationships with their high earning boyfriends have already taken a purposeful step back in their careers. They’re waiting for their engagement rings while grooming themselves to be the Mrs.

It’s fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know no women like this.

Truthfully, this was probably always the plan and they were just hedging their bets by saying how career oriented they are in case it never happened.

This.

This. This isn't unheard of. These are typically women from UMC families who are smart, have always done well in school and they and their parents know how the game is played. They do well in high school and go to top/good colleges. Gone are the days where they are in it for the Mrs. degree and study something unmarketable like communications. They pursue tough majors, internships, grad school etc. The entire time the "unsaid" goal is to land a rich man/a man who is on the path to being rich so they can be the SAHM who vacations 4 times/yr and lives in a mansion. However, they have positioned them into careers where they can themselves make 100k+ -- just in case they can't lock it down with a man or they lock it down with a man who merely makes 100k or 150k and can't afford them the large life they want. But the "prize" here is if you never have to use that degree bc your man brings in 500k+ on his own. I can think of at least 10 women in my law school graduating class (top 5 law school - graduated within the last decade) who pursued this path. They either married money so there was no reason to grind away once there was a ring on it within 1-2 yrs of law school graduation OR they made the "hard" decision that both husband and wife couldn't pursue partnership and the husband loved it sooooo much that the wife would be the stay home and her full time job would be to support her husband in making partner.

OP here. Yeah my friends aren’t dummy’s. They’ve always been incredibly smart and ambitious. I had no idea they’d take a step back from professional intellectual ambitions once they married. Before their accomplishments were to get into that prestigious program or get that coveted job. Now they say their accomplishment is to marry a very high earner so they don’t have to use their rigorous education and training. My friends who are married are now pinning up a storm on Pinterest learning crafts and baking. Others who aren’t married yet but in serious relationships with their high earning boyfriends have already taken a purposeful step back in their careers. They’re waiting for their engagement rings while grooming themselves to be the Mrs.

It’s fascinating.

What your saying isn't altogether surprising at all, but I get where you're coming from -- when it happens with friends who you THOUGHT you knew, it is kind of shocking. I didn't see this so much right when my lawyer girlfriends starting dating or just married rich men (though I did see a few instances), but I saw a TON of it as soon as pregnancies were announced. Then you suddenly had women who had always been about the best schools, internships, federal clerkships, being at the top of their classes etc. suddenly go down the "oh ALL that matters is being a mommy." Resignations were given ASAP (usually a week or two before they were to come back to work) and they all became stay home moms -- with day/night nannies, house cleaners, etc. so they had plenty of time to lunch with each other, go to yoga etc. Reality is that many of these women would have loved to quit the day their husbands proposed, but the husbands balked and said -- why?? So they hung in there until they got pregnant a yr or two later and then the husbands weren't able to say no because the whole excuse was "honey you'll get sooooo much further in your career bc you'll never have to worry about the baby etc."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know no women like this.

Truthfully, this was probably always the plan and they were just hedging their bets by saying how career oriented they are in case it never happened.

This.

This. This isn't unheard of. These are typically women from UMC families who are smart, have always done well in school and they and their parents know how the game is played. They do well in high school and go to top/good colleges. Gone are the days where they are in it for the Mrs. degree and study something unmarketable like communications. They pursue tough majors, internships, grad school etc. The entire time the "unsaid" goal is to land a rich man/a man who is on the path to being rich so they can be the SAHM who vacations 4 times/yr and lives in a mansion. However, they have positioned them into careers where they can themselves make 100k+ -- just in case they can't lock it down with a man or they lock it down with a man who merely makes 100k or 150k and can't afford them the large life they want. But the "prize" here is if you never have to use that degree bc your man brings in 500k+ on his own. I can think of at least 10 women in my law school graduating class (top 5 law school - graduated within the last decade) who pursued this path. They either married money so there was no reason to grind away once there was a ring on it within 1-2 yrs of law school graduation OR they made the "hard" decision that both husband and wife couldn't pursue partnership and the husband loved it sooooo much that the wife would be the stay home and her full time job would be to support her husband in making partner.

OP here. Yeah my friends aren’t dummy’s. They’ve always been incredibly smart and ambitious. I had no idea they’d take a step back from professional intellectual ambitions once they married. Before their accomplishments were to get into that prestigious program or get that coveted job. Now they say their accomplishment is to marry a very high earner so they don’t have to use their rigorous education and training. My friends who are married are now pinning up a storm on Pinterest learning crafts and baking. Others who aren’t married yet but in serious relationships with their high earning boyfriends have already taken a purposeful step back in their careers. They’re waiting for their engagement rings while grooming themselves to be the Mrs.

It’s fascinating.

What your saying isn't altogether surprising at all, but I get where you're coming from -- when it happens with friends who you THOUGHT you knew, it is kind of shocking. I didn't see this so much right when my lawyer girlfriends starting dating or just married rich men (though I did see a few instances), but I saw a TON of it as soon as pregnancies were announced. Then you suddenly had women who had always been about the best schools, internships, federal clerkships, being at the top of their classes etc. suddenly go down the "oh ALL that matters is being a mommy." Resignations were given ASAP (usually a week or two before they were to come back to work) and they all became stay home moms -- with day/night nannies, house cleaners, etc. so they had plenty of time to lunch with each other, go to yoga etc. Reality is that many of these women would have loved to quit the day their husbands proposed, but the husbands balked and said -- why?? So they hung in there until they got pregnant a yr or two later and then the husbands weren't able to say no because the whole excuse was "honey you'll get sooooo much further in your career bc you'll never have to worry about the baby etc."

I agree. I do know what you’re talking about. The reason I am shocked is because I’ve known these women anywhere from 5-10 years. I thought I knew them. I thought we had similar goals and ambitions. We’d be the ones making fun of the comms majors who would come to class dressed like football cheer leaders and knew they were there for their mrs. degrees. We thought it was a waste of their talent etc etc.

Now I see my very smart and ambitious friends primp and dress themselves to fit what their boyfriends would like. One woman who was quite the intellectual with whom I could have endless interesting conversations now...says she has no interest in analyzing politics or foreign affairs. She just cares about simple things and doesn’t want to think anything too complicated... it started when she met her boyfriend. I hate to say it but it seems that she’s changing herself to meet his expectations.

It’s just shocking that these women had similar goals to the comms major mrs degree seekers.

[Anonymous]

^If that's what they want to do, then that's what they'll do. Doesn't matter that their college friend of 10 yrs is disappointed in them. And if you were to bring this up, they'd say -- I've grown up, that was college where we could sit around with silly intellectual ideas, but supporting Spencer's business and making sure he's 100% successful so we can send Spencer Jr. to St Albans, THAT is real life -- sorry you don't get it . . . .

So my advice -- start cultivating new friends. Right now you're still "close" enough with them that you can get together once in a while and listen to this, but in the next 2-4 yrs, you'll be in TOTALLY different worlds and in all likelihood they'll look down on where you buy a home, what schools you send your kids to and the fact that you turn down their invites for fabulous vacations bc they aren't in your budget. Better to start cultivating friendships with others who are working/living like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^If that's what they want to do, then that's what they'll do. Doesn't matter that their college friend of 10 yrs is disappointed in them. And if you were to bring this up, they'd say -- I've grown up, that was college where we could sit around with silly intellectual ideas, but supporting Spencer's business and making sure he's 100% successful so we can send Spencer Jr. to St Albans, THAT is real life -- sorry you don't get it . . . .

So my advice -- start cultivating new friends. Right now you're still "close" enough with them that you can get together once in a while and listen to this, but in the next 2-4 yrs, you'll be in TOTALLY different worlds and in all likelihood they'll look down on where you buy a home, what schools you send your kids to and the fact that you turn down their invites for fabulous vacations bc they aren't in your budget. Better to start cultivating friendships with others who are working/living like you.

I know. I already find it hard to relate to them. In 2-4 years we’ll only grow more apart. I need to befriend other middle class working women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never met or knew any woman like your friends. I suggest you find better quality women for friends. That being said, you're obviously jealous as all get out because you used the stepford wives label. Every woman that doesn't live that life always utters that when they try to make fun of those that do live it.

Not nice. I dare you to tell your friends what you posted.

Op here. I didn’t say I’m not jealous. Who wouldn’t want entry into a life of privilege after signing a piece of paper?

You. You don’t want that.
I’m older than you and have friends who made similar choices but they’re socially aware enough to know not to brag about it. Four JDs who worked maybe a year and graduate degrees who quit working the minute they got the ring. It was always in their plan. They made these choices to meet men and now they will earn their money— none of them are in a loving partnership. They get together and complain about how fat and alcoholic their husbands are while sucking down their own glasses of wine.
As I said, they earn their money everyday.
I got some new friends who share my values. Much happier.

[Anonymous]

what an icky thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what an icky thread

+1 yikes. Reality as I've seen it myself. Wouldn't care to post about it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know no women like this.

Truthfully, this was probably always the plan and they were just hedging their bets by saying how career oriented they are in case it never happened.

This.

This. This isn't unheard of. These are typically women from UMC families who are smart, have always done well in school and they and their parents know how the game is played. They do well in high school and go to top/good colleges. Gone are the days where they are in it for the Mrs. degree and study something unmarketable like communications. They pursue tough majors, internships, grad school etc. The entire time the "unsaid" goal is to land a rich man/a man who is on the path to being rich so they can be the SAHM who vacations 4 times/yr and lives in a mansion. However, they have positioned them into careers where they can themselves make 100k+ -- just in case they can't lock it down with a man or they lock it down with a man who merely makes 100k or 150k and can't afford them the large life they want. But the "prize" here is if you never have to use that degree bc your man brings in 500k+ on his own. I can think of at least 10 women in my law school graduating class (top 5 law school - graduated within the last decade) who pursued this path. They either married money so there was no reason to grind away once there was a ring on it within 1-2 yrs of law school graduation OR they made the "hard" decision that both husband and wife couldn't pursue partnership and the husband loved it sooooo much that the wife would be the stay home and her full time job would be to support her husband in making partner.

OP here. Yeah my friends aren’t dummy’s. They’ve always been incredibly smart and ambitious. I had no idea they’d take a step back from professional intellectual ambitions once they married. Before their accomplishments were to get into that prestigious program or get that coveted job. Now they say their accomplishment is to marry a very high earner so they don’t have to use their rigorous education and training. My friends who are married are now pinning up a storm on Pinterest learning crafts and baking. Others who aren’t married yet but in serious relationships with their high earning boyfriends have already taken a purposeful step back in their careers. They’re waiting for their engagement rings while grooming themselves to be the Mrs.

It’s fascinating.

What your saying isn't altogether surprising at all, but I get where you're coming from -- when it happens with friends who you THOUGHT you knew, it is kind of shocking. I didn't see this so much right when my lawyer girlfriends starting dating or just married rich men (though I did see a few instances), but I saw a TON of it as soon as pregnancies were announced. Then you suddenly had women who had always been about the best schools, internships, federal clerkships, being at the top of their classes etc. suddenly go down the "oh ALL that matters is being a mommy." Resignations were given ASAP (usually a week or two before they were to come back to work) and they all became stay home moms -- with day/night nannies, house cleaners, etc. so they had plenty of time to lunch with each other, go to yoga etc. Reality is that many of these women would have loved to quit the day their husbands proposed, but the husbands balked and said -- why?? So they hung in there until they got pregnant a yr or two later and then the husbands weren't able to say no because the whole excuse was "honey you'll get sooooo much further in your career bc you'll never have to worry about the baby etc."

I agree. I do know what you’re talking about. The reason I am shocked is because I’ve known these women anywhere from 5-10 years. I thought I knew them. I thought we had similar goals and ambitions. We’d be the ones making fun of the comms majors who would come to class dressed like football cheer leaders and knew they were there for their mrs. degrees. We thought it was a waste of their talent etc etc.

Now I see my very smart and ambitious friends primp and dress themselves to fit what their boyfriends would like. One woman who was quite the intellectual with whom I could have endless interesting conversations now...says she has no interest in analyzing politics or foreign affairs. She just cares about simple things and doesn’t want to think anything too complicated... it started when she met her boyfriend. I hate to say it but it seems that she’s changing herself to meet his expectations.

It’s just shocking that these women had similar goals to the comms major mrs degree seekers.

Very curious what age range we are talking here? Are these "friends" 26, 31, or 35?? I'm 29 and have yet to experience the "leaning out" but my guess is it'll start happening pretty soon...

[Anonymous]

I’m having a hard time believing this is real, because your friends sound like characters from a satire, not real people. I’ve never met anyone like this IRL, and you apparently have not one but three friends who would be too over-the-top for a Real Housewives show? C’mon, OP.

I think you’re either a creative writer or surround yourself with some vapid, superficial people. But if you truly pursued friendships with people based upon their ambition to connect with “the right people” then that explains why you’re jealous and even give a f**k now.

[Anonymous]

You have a strange group of friends. The fact that you picked women like this may point to a problem you have.

[Anonymous]

Get new friends. Next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never met or knew any woman like your friends. I suggest you find better quality women for friends. That being said, you're obviously jealous as all get out because you used the stepford wives label. Every woman that doesn't live that life always utters that when they try to make fun of those that do live it.

Not nice. I dare you to tell your friends what you posted.

Op here. I didn’t say I’m not jealous. Who wouldn’t want entry into a life of privilege after signing a piece of paper?

OP, if you were the career oriented achiever you so smugly believe yourself to be (as opposed to these "friends"), you wouldn't feel jealous of these women entering marriage for wealth.

But I suspect you're more like them than you admit, you've just failed to recognize/realize these goals whereas they have, and that bothers you.

So you make it about how you're disappointed in them/"confused"/"disheartened."

Get a life.

[Anonymous]

My friends didn't change quite as dramatically, but they did change in the same way after they met their now husbands. I was out with a few of them one night and they - in all seriousness - told me I should break up with the guy I was dating because he'd never be able to buy me a nice ring. Seriously. (I broke up with him, but because I discovered he had been married twice and had 3 kids I didn't know about! Forget the ring, the child support was breaking him.)

I found new friends who had more in common with me. I still see those friends every so often and it's nice to catch up, but I need people in my day-to-day life who have more in common with me.