My teens are just fine. WDYT? Are they really behaving or are parents fooling themselves?

[Anonymous]

I was basically a good kid as was my sibling. I would get irritated because my mother would go to church sometimes and listen to this one priest she really liked who would talk about his experiences running a home for realllly trouble male teens. Then my mom would come home and start a crack down. (She was generally fairly permissive.)

I am an involved parent and fairly permissive with my kids. I have good, responsible kids who make some mistakes (very minor) and will likely make some more significant mistakes but I don't expect it to be REGULARLY making bad choices.

I do believe that the average parent that reads and posts here is generally interested in getting a feeling for what teens are up to so I would highly suspect that they are more tuned in to teen stuff than the average parent so more likely to know what their kids are doing.

Sure-- we all have a few stories about the doopy parent who was talking about "promise rings" while their daughter was quickly becoming the class pass-around but I don't believe those are the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering what fabulous life experinces i missed out on or any teen who doesn't do this stuff is missing? Can't think of a single thing i missed.

My kid is another one of these kids who don't do teen-irresponsible things. He and his friends are quiet people and they just aren't into those things. Sometimes I think he is missing out on things, but then the smarter part of me remembers that Im judging the "missing out" based on my own fond memories.

He also doesn't engage in teen drama, so if "missing out" on teen experiences is part and parcel of participating in teen drama... well that can only be good.

[Anonymous]

Even a good, responsible teen is still a teen. Which means that they don't always exercise perfect judgment--and being with friends or a big group can cause even a good kid to make mistakes. I think parents who think their kids do no wrong are fooling themselves, but I don't think that all kids are engaged in the same behavior. There really are teens who aren't drinking or partying or bullying or stealing road signs or whatever else, and who don't really want to do those things. But parents shouldn't kid themselves that even their good kid can't make a bad choice.

[Anonymous]

My kid is not perfect but overall, a good, responsible kid. My worst worries, I believe strongly that she knows better. Sex, drugs, running away, strangers on the internet, alcohol, illegal stuff, whatever, I have high confidence in her that she won't go down that path. If she wants to get birth control she knows I'm perfectly willing to provide it.

As long as this remains true and her grades are between acceptable and good, I'm happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those kids you never had to worry about - polite, smart, responsible, never drank until 21 (rarely do now), good grades, absolutely no drugs, no sneaking out, no lying to parents, no sex, no shoplifting, ect. Basically no drama. And people constantly told my parents that when I went to high school\college I would go totally crazy, especially since I went to a "party school" for college. Never went crazy. My dad often complained to me (in a joking way) since he had to deal with my younger sister doing normal teenage stuff and didn't have the experience from dealing with me.

I realize I'm pretty rare and that my kids will probably be insane.

I was such a goody two shoes that I missed ALL the signs that my kids were going off the rails. Oldest is about to graduate from college and only now is he telling me about some of the things he did in high school that I didn't know about. I had these horrendous fights with my husband because I felt like he didn't trust the kids. He would tell me "The kid is sleeping all day Saturday because he's high" and I would say, "No, he's tired from studying." Turns out my husband was right about everything. IN retrospect I am ill at the thought that we gave this child a car and he probably drove after smoking pot, etc.

We have clamped down so hard on our youngest as a result. We regularly make her take a surprise urinalysis. (You can buy home drug test kits online.) She is the one who says to her friends, "No, I can't. I would get caught and I would get in so much trouble!" Honestly, I wish I had instituted random drug tests the moment each kid turned 14. We could have avoided so much.

I was equally surprised when my son told me he lost his virginity at age 15 at summer sleepaway camp. I literally had no interest in sex until my senior year in college, in the context of a committed relationship, etc. so it never occurred to me that my kids would be sexually active that young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. On the one hand, I did a lot of stuff my parents weren't aware of and would've been surprised by. On the other hand, I'm happily married, well-educated, financially stable, and generally they're very happy with the adult I've become. So do the details of my high school and college antics really matter?

In my opinion the issue is that some kids engage in "typical" teen/college mischief (weed, alcohol, sex) and they are still able to meet their commitments and grow out of it. And some kids engage in that same mischief and aren't able to shake it off and it turns into a free fall off a steap cliff. They engage in increasingly risky behaviors and it does affect their trajectory in life.

So how do you know which kind of kid you have? Will you be able to see the free fall as it's starting and get a hold of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those kids you never had to worry about - polite, smart, responsible, never drank until 21 (rarely do now), good grades, absolutely no drugs, no sneaking out, no lying to parents, no sex, no shoplifting, ect. Basically no drama. And people constantly told my parents that when I went to high school\college I would go totally crazy, especially since I went to a "party school" for college. Never went crazy. My dad often complained to me (in a joking way) since he had to deal with my younger sister doing normal teenage stuff and didn't have the experience from dealing with me.

I realize I'm pretty rare and that my kids will probably be insane.

I was such a goody two shoes that I missed ALL the signs that my kids were going off the rails. Oldest is about to graduate from college and only now is he telling me about some of the things he did in high school that I didn't know about. I had these horrendous fights with my husband because I felt like he didn't trust the kids. He would tell me "The kid is sleeping all day Saturday because he's high" and I would say, "No, he's tired from studying." Turns out my husband was right about everything. IN retrospect I am ill at the thought that we gave this child a car and he probably drove after smoking pot, etc.

We have clamped down so hard on our youngest as a result. We regularly make her take a surprise urinalysis. (You can buy home drug test kits online.) She is the one who says to her friends, "No, I can't. I would get caught and I would get in so much trouble!" Honestly, I wish I had instituted random drug tests the moment each kid turned 14. We could have avoided so much.

I was equally surprised when my son told me he lost his virginity at age 15 at summer sleepaway camp. I literally had no interest in sex until my senior year in college, in the context of a committed relationship, etc. so it never occurred to me that my kids would be sexually active that young.

Thank you so much for being honest!

[Anonymous]

This. Among our acquaintances there are two families whose children flunked out of college. Both seemed like good kids from good homes. Both did really well in high school. It's scary how random it seems and how often it is the kid whose mom brags about her perfect kid. I also know of one whose daughter got pregnant and dropped out. Again the last kid in the world you would have ever predicted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From our own experience with teen DD and from what I know of her friends (and I'm close to the families of some of her close friends), one key thing in whether kids are partiers can be how involved the kids are in activities. DD is in an activity (not school-related and not a sport) that takes up a large amount of time outside school and requires a lot of commitment, so between that and a lot of homework, DD is either at school; at the activity; doing homework; or with me or her dad in the car, going to and from the activity. Her closest friends are the same way. She does see friends from school but never during the week, and on weekends she and her friends have to arrange any social time around all their various commitments. And since none of the kids drives totally independently yet, the parents transport them--usually to each others' houses.

We don't have our heads in the sand about them; we just know where they are and what they're doing because they don't have time for random hanging out. Some DCUM posters will cry that these kids are overscheduled but they're doing activities they chose and continue to choose. It does seem to mean a lot less drama. I can see how some activities themselves could create opportunities for teens to get together and party, but that's just not the case with the things DD and her friends are doing.

Ditto, yet I know my kids and their friends still have drank and smoked pot in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This. Among our acquaintances there are two families whose children flunked out of college. Both seemed like good kids from good homes. Both did really well in high school. It's scary how random it seems and how often it is the kid whose mom brags about her perfect kid. I also know of one whose daughter got pregnant and dropped out. Again the last kid in the world you would have ever predicted

The mom filled out the college apps. The kids were never motivated in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter was 15 I thought she was doing great, seemed like it. Then a mom of one of her friends called and said she had read her kid's journal/diary and my daughter was mentioned in something her kid wrote about activities they had engaged in like drinking, sex, getting high, etc. She asked if I wanted to read it. I did.

Confronted my daughter, she admitted it and when I asked her why she had outright lied to me when I had asked her about such things (so we could have a "talk" about risky behaviors) she said she didn't want to disappoint me with the truth.

I grounded her for the entire year she was 15, which definitely helped. She wasn't allowed to sleep over or have sleepovers, she had to come straight home from school, she had to hang out with her family in the evenings and on the weekends. She did not like it. But....later she told me that was what saved her from MUCH worse behavior that year.

At 16 it's a lot harder to hold them down, and I cannot say I was able to totally reign her in at 16 and 17, until she graduated high school. But I think it went better than it would have had I not had my eyes opened the year she was 15.

She is now an adult and is doing fine.

Wow, this is interesting to me. I would never have thought that such an extreme reaction would work. I would think it would backfire. But I'm glad it did!

Not jumping on you at all, your comment just got me thinking how typical that reaction is here. A parent steps up firmly and the reactions are "TOO HARSH!!!" it won't work, you're damaging your kid, you are mean and nasty and probably nobody likes you. No matter how badly the kid's behaving! Sometimes strict/harsh/firm/really unpleasant consequences are not only necessary but WORK. I know that's a shock to the sticker chart devotees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my daughter was 15 I thought she was doing great, seemed like it. Then a mom of one of her friends called and said she had read her kid's journal/diary and my daughter was mentioned in something her kid wrote about activities they had engaged in like drinking, sex, getting high, etc. She asked if I wanted to read it. I did.

Confronted my daughter, she admitted it and when I asked her why she had outright lied to me when I had asked her about such things (so we could have a "talk" about risky behaviors) she said she didn't want to disappoint me with the truth.

I grounded her for the entire year she was 15, which definitely helped. She wasn't allowed to sleep over or have sleepovers, she had to come straight home from school, she had to hang out with her family in the evenings and on the weekends. She did not like it. But....later she told me that was what saved her from MUCH worse behavior that year.

At 16 it's a lot harder to hold them down, and I cannot say I was able to totally reign her in at 16 and 17, until she graduated high school. But I think it went better than it would have had I not had my eyes opened the year she was 15.

She is now an adult and is doing fine.

This is I think most people's reality. Some parents have their head in the sand. Others have kids who are trustworthy until they are not. It's trust but verify situation. I have been reading my 14 hear olds texts and instagram posts and comments for several years. I know that she has failed to tell me things she should have told me (another kid's safety issue). I also know that she shows excellent judgment in avoiding drama. She ignores posts from others that really piss me off. She doesn't engage in cat-fighting on social media like many of her peers do. She doesn't post stupid vlogs bemoaning her oh so dramatic life. She gets good grades and is very competitive in a time-consuming sport so socializes in frequently. She's fickle with crushes on boys and has probably caused herself some drama there. She wants some privacy and does not share everything with me. She knows who among her peers is vaping and we've discussed that. She knows which girls in 9th grade are the "party crowd" and she is not in it. All that said, I know this could change at any time. And, I absolutely DONT trust her peers. So sleepovers are minimized at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those kids you never had to worry about - polite, smart, responsible, never drank until 21 (rarely do now), good grades, absolutely no drugs, no sneaking out, no lying to parents, no sex, no shoplifting, ect. Basically no drama. And people constantly told my parents that when I went to high school\college I would go totally crazy, especially since I went to a "party school" for college. Never went crazy. My dad often complained to me (in a joking way) since he had to deal with my younger sister doing normal teenage stuff and didn't have the experience from dealing with me.

I realize I'm pretty rare and that my kids will probably be insane.

I was such a goody two shoes that I missed ALL the signs that my kids were going off the rails. Oldest is about to graduate from college and only now is he telling me about some of the things he did in high school that I didn't know about. I had these horrendous fights with my husband because I felt like he didn't trust the kids. He would tell me "The kid is sleeping all day Saturday because he's high" and I would say, "No, he's tired from studying." Turns out my husband was right about everything. IN retrospect I am ill at the thought that we gave this child a car and he probably drove after smoking pot, etc.

We have clamped down so hard on our youngest as a result. We regularly make her take a surprise urinalysis. (You can buy home drug test kits online.) She is the one who says to her friends, "No, I can't. I would get caught and I would get in so much trouble!" Honestly, I wish I had instituted random drug tests the moment each kid turned 14. We could have avoided so much.

I was equally surprised when my son told me he lost his virginity at age 15 at summer sleepaway camp. I literally had no interest in sex until my senior year in college, in the context of a committed relationship, etc. so it never occurred to me that my kids would be sexually active that young.

Sometimes I think it's better to support them doing SOME things (like sex or pot, where you can do so legally) than causing them to sneak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those kids you never had to worry about - polite, smart, responsible, never drank until 21 (rarely do now), good grades, absolutely no drugs, no sneaking out, no lying to parents, no sex, no shoplifting, ect. Basically no drama. And people constantly told my parents that when I went to high school\college I would go totally crazy, especially since I went to a "party school" for college. Never went crazy. My dad often complained to me (in a joking way) since he had to deal with my younger sister doing normal teenage stuff and didn't have the experience from dealing with me.

I realize I'm pretty rare and that my kids will probably be insane.

I was such a goody two shoes that I missed ALL the signs that my kids were going off the rails. Oldest is about to graduate from college and only now is he telling me about some of the things he did in high school that I didn't know about. I had these horrendous fights with my husband because I felt like he didn't trust the kids. He would tell me "The kid is sleeping all day Saturday because he's high" and I would say, "No, he's tired from studying." Turns out my husband was right about everything. IN retrospect I am ill at the thought that we gave this child a car and he probably drove after smoking pot, etc.

We have clamped down so hard on our youngest as a result. We regularly make her take a surprise urinalysis. (You can buy home drug test kits online.) She is the one who says to her friends, "No, I can't. I would get caught and I would get in so much trouble!" Honestly, I wish I had instituted random drug tests the moment each kid turned 14. We could have avoided so much.

I was equally surprised when my son told me he lost his virginity at age 15 at summer sleepaway camp. I literally had no interest in sex until my senior year in college, in the context of a committed relationship, etc. so it never occurred to me that my kids would be sexually active that young.

Sometimes I think it's better to support them doing SOME things (like sex or pot, where you can do so legally) than causing them to sneak.

Ehh no. A parent supporting sex and pot? I don't think I will sign up. Parents shouldn't want to be their kids best friends. Parent them first. This isn't it.

[Anonymous]

I did all that stuff in HS and I know what to look for. I don't deserve it at all, but my kids are just not that interested. They are