My teens are just fine. WDYT? Are they really behaving or are parents fooling themselves?

[Anonymous]

My parents thought my sister was perfect, but I know she wasn't. They figured I got up to some shit, but never really knew what it was and thought I was "good." I still actually think I was a really good kid even though I did my share of shoplifting, lawn ornament rearranging, crazy driving, minor drug experimentation (though I didn't really drink), and had sex in HS. Part of me thinks that people who didn't do any misbehaving are boring AF in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids geninely have no desire for any of tgat stuff. I don't know why that's so hard to understand.

So you have a teen like that? How old is your kid? How strict are you as a parent? Just curious. It is not hard to understand that there are kids like that, it is just that I used to work with teens, and even the "nicest" kids did things and their parents had no idea. Came to meetings and when presented with the situation took their kid's side and made excuses. One set of parents turned the blind eye to their DD hitting another child, and then accused the school of profiling their DD. We all saw her hit, and she even swung at the teacher but stopped before hitting. Parents refused to believe it and even accused teachers and students of provoking their DD.

[Anonymous]

No kids, but my friends I were those teens. We didn't have to do any of that stuff to have fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some kids geninely have no desire for any of tgat stuff. I don't know why that's so hard to understand.

So you have a teen like that? How old is your kid? How strict are you as a parent? Just curious. It is not hard to understand that there are kids like that, it is just that I used to work with teens, and even the "nicest" kids did things and their parents had no idea. Came to meetings and when presented with the situation took their kid's side and made excuses. One set of parents turned the blind eye to their DD hitting another child, and then accused the school of profiling their DD. We all saw her hit, and she even swung at the teacher but stopped before hitting. Parents refused to believe it and even accused teachers and students of provoking their DD.

NP. I have a teen like that. She was basically 40 years old the day she was born. She has minor issues (occasionally talks back, snuck her phone at night. Once.) nothing else. Her little sister is a hellion so we're not in the dark about what our kid are up to. Really it seems like some kids just don't get into enough trouble to be discussed. We'll see when she goes to college. She might let her hair down!

[Anonymous]

Since my kids are either at home, at work, or at school, I know where they are. My daughter is in a scholarship program and wouldn't do anything to mess up her chances for college, because she's planning to go into law enforcement? and work with sexual assault victims. My son is 12, works out 4 evenings/week, and is planning to join the military. My adult sons have never been in trouble, and they all have good jobs. Not every kid is irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

The worst thing I ever did is that in high school when our parents thought we were at a park, my friend and I walked over to a shopping center, hung out going in and out of the stores, and then went around to the back of the shopping center, found a shopping cart, and took turns climbing in and pushing each other as fast as we could run, while we screamed.

The biggest trouble I got into was in 9th grade - a boy I was friends with who was a senior suggested we cut our afternoon classes and wander around. We wandered over to the local diner, where my mom was apparently having a late lunch with a friend. I got yelled at for three hours that night and was grounded for a month.

I've never been drunk.
I've never used drugs.
Once, in my junior or senior year of high school I took a drag off a friend's cigarette. It was awful and I never smoked again.
I didn't have sex until I was in college. When I thought I was about to, I went to Planned Parenthood with a friend to get birth control.
You can count on one hand the number of men I've had sex with.
Met my husband at 26, married at 29.

I was a good kid. I was in every school play from 5th-12th grades. I was in MetMUNC 9th through 12th grades. I danced until 10th grade and then got into volleyball and would go swimming at the local pool after dinner with my older sister. We lived in NYC, and were just a very wholesome Jewish upper middle-class family.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. On the one hand, I did a lot of stuff my parents weren't aware of and would've been surprised by. On the other hand, I'm happily married, well-educated, financially stable, and generally they're very happy with the adult I've become. So do the details of my high school and college antics really matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. On the one hand, I did a lot of stuff my parents weren't aware of and would've been surprised by. On the other hand, I'm happily married, well-educated, financially stable, and generally they're very happy with the adult I've become. So do the details of my high school and college antics really matter?

OP here. That is actually something I was wondering about. Is it better to be somewhat ignorant and let things slide as a parent of teens? Are parents who are kind of turning the blind eye to it, wiser than parents who make a huge deal out of every big or little thing? How do you find a good middle ground, so to say? How do you know they are doing stuff, but not ending up in alleys and picked up by the police?
I was also a total never do anything wrong kid, so it is hard to gauge what is "normal," when it comes to my DD, who most of the time is very responsible, and then total lack of common sense and gets into trouble. How to balance this as a parent?

[Anonymous]

I live near a high school and know for a fact that girls with good handwriting who do their homework also smoke in the woods and litter and lord knows what else. Teens are also vaping. I was always well behaved, almost too well behaved in high school and college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. On the one hand, I did a lot of stuff my parents weren't aware of and would've been surprised by. On the other hand, I'm happily married, well-educated, financially stable, and generally they're very happy with the adult I've become. So do the details of my high school and college antics really matter?

Better for what. It's not part of the question.

Nobody is saying the party kids and the non party kids are going to have different outcomes.

The question is do parents have their heads in the sand if they say my kid is good and does nothing.

The answer is most do but some don't because their kids don't party.

The fact is some parents do have their heads in the sand. You don't know if you are that parent because your kid has become duch a good liar you will never know unless they get in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. On the one hand, I did a lot of stuff my parents weren't aware of and would've been surprised by. On the other hand, I'm happily married, well-educated, financially stable, and generally they're very happy with the adult I've become. So do the details of my high school and college antics really matter?

Better for what. It's not part of the question.

Nobody is saying the party kids and the non party kids are going to have different outcomes.

The question is do parents have their heads in the sand if they say my kid is good and does nothing.

The answer is most do but some don't because their kids don't party.

The fact is some parents do have their heads in the sand. You don't know if you are that parent because your kid has become duch a good liar you will never know unless they get in trouble.

OP here. That is part of what I am seeing, some parents are clueless so, so much. I know bcs, hey, my DD gets in trouble with other kids! And parents of these kids either ignore it, maybe they think it is fine, or have no idea. I know which kids smoke pot, which had sex behind the school, etc.... And then I see this same kid acting like a 4 year old with her mom, and mom telling me how she is so naive and innocent, however will she cope in college?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about this. Many pps here claim that their kids are responsible, do nothing wrong, know how to go out without getting in trouble. They let them do this and that...I have a DS who is one of these responsible kids, but he has Social Anxiety, my DD, also teen, while smart, can get into trouble because of lack of common sense and being carried away by trying to b cool to the other kids. It is like all her common sense disappears when among some friends. DS, even with social anxiety, also did a few things now in college, so I know my kids are nice and generally good kids, but not constant angels. Are there these teens that are really never do wrong, go out and behave perfectly, or are parents just blind to what is really going on? Or are there parents who think drinking, sex, pot, etc... are fine for their teens and not a big deal. I just wonder about this, I don't want to be a critical parent to my kids, but I know many parents who think their kids are perfect angels, yet I know they are not. So, when a pp here says, they trust their kids, what do you think is the reality? They have super well behaved teens, or they are turning the blind eye? Thanks.

It is true that kids are a lot tamer today. It's one side effect of the social media and iPhone phenomenon -- they'd rather type at each other than interact one-on-one.

[Anonymous]

From our own experience with teen DD and from what I know of her friends (and I'm close to the families of some of her close friends), one key thing in whether kids are partiers can be how involved the kids are in activities. DD is in an activity (not school-related and not a sport) that takes up a large amount of time outside school and requires a lot of commitment, so between that and a lot of homework, DD is either at school; at the activity; doing homework; or with me or her dad in the car, going to and from the activity. Her closest friends are the same way. She does see friends from school but never during the week, and on weekends she and her friends have to arrange any social time around all their various commitments. And since none of the kids drives totally independently yet, the parents transport them--usually to each others' houses.

We don't have our heads in the sand about them; we just know where they are and what they're doing because they don't have time for random hanging out. Some DCUM posters will cry that these kids are overscheduled but they're doing activities they chose and continue to choose. It does seem to mean a lot less drama. I can see how some activities themselves could create opportunities for teens to get together and party, but that's just not the case with the things DD and her friends are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those kids you never had to worry about - polite, smart, responsible, never drank until 21 (rarely do now), good grades, absolutely no drugs, no sneaking out, no lying to parents, no sex, no shoplifting, ect. Basically no drama. And people constantly told my parents that when I went to high school\college I would go totally crazy, especially since I went to a "party school" for college. Never went crazy. My dad often complained to me (in a joking way) since he had to deal with my younger sister doing normal teenage stuff and didn't have the experience from dealing with me.

I realize I'm pretty rare and that my kids will probably be insane.

You're not that rare. It's just parents of degenerate asshole uncontrollable kids try to rationalize their kids' behavior by saying EVERY kid does it, or goes through that phase. No, every kid does not. For example, only about 1 in 3 college freshmen have ever touched weed, yet loser ass parents always say EVERY teen has dabbled in dope, big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was one of those kids you never had to worry about - polite, smart, responsible, never drank until 21 (rarely do now), good grades, absolutely no drugs, no sneaking out, no lying to parents, no sex, no shoplifting, ect. Basically no drama. And people constantly told my parents that when I went to high school\college I would go totally crazy, especially since I went to a "party school" for college. Never went crazy. My dad often complained to me (in a joking way) since he had to deal with my younger sister doing normal teenage stuff and didn't have the experience from dealing with me.

I realize I'm pretty rare and that my kids will probably be insane.

You're not that rare. It's just parents of degenerate asshole uncontrollable kids try to rationalize their kids' behavior by saying EVERY kid does it, or goes through that phase. No, every kid does not. For example, only about 1 in 3 college freshmen have ever touched weed, yet loser ass parents always say EVERY teen has dabbled in dope, big deal.

I like to do what Ronald Reagan used to say "Trust but Verified".

I pay $$$$ to my kids' friends so that they become a "mole" and report back to me from time to time what my kids do. Ofcourse, you need to have multiple moles to confirm if/when bad things happen.