Starting to think about college for our gifted kid

[Anonymous]

My parents resisted the skipping grades advice and I'm glad they did. I took college classes on the side when I felt like it (my parents didn’t even know I could until I successfully enrolled on my own, so it really was 100% kid-driven) while taking a full load of HS classes. Always had friends my own age from classes and from school-based ECs that involved travel.

[Anonymous]

I’m not going to read through the whole thread so sorry if this is repetitive. But I would not worry about developing a good “work ethic” too much at this point. Elementary school homework is often profoundly boring for the gifted and forcing them to do it may just make them burn out or turn off school. Focus on the assignments that are inherently challenging (Like writing a biography) and ignore the stuff that is just busy work for them. Focus on encouraging and feeding heir interests and also try to encourage the thinking that a challenge is good, and of something is hard, hat just means it’s more interesting. Most gifted kids skate through early elementary and then when they get to something they actually need to learn, they get frustrated quickly because they’ve never had to actually try to learn something. Focus on feeding their passion for learning and curiosity—I think that’s worth investing some of your income there (so if they are passionate about archaeology, take them to Jamestown and, if you’ve got the cash, Italy. Or at least take them to the museums downtown and hit the library to find books on that topic.)

Also, I actually don’t think mediocre grades in hS are the end of the world. A lot of gifted kids are really bored by many HS classes so they check out. In college, they can find more challenging classes that are in tune with their interests and then real bloom and end up at a great graduate school. Sometimes the kids that are more focused on getting across the board A’s and being “well rounded” for college applications never really find their passion. That was sort of me. I went to a top college, did great, but never really focused in on what I love. I’ve got a fine career, but I know others that did much worse in HS that have careers they really love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many - but certainly not all - gifted children also have a learning disability or ADHD. They might struggle with executive function skills or maintaining sustained focus in non-preferred subjects, so their grades don’t match their standardized test scores.

Yep. I have a profoundly gifted kid with ADHD and his grades have been a string of Cs, Ds, Fs in areas where the ADHD aspect hits hard. He was reading at college level by second or third grade yet is getting a C- on a 6th grade test about a Roald Dahl book. Why? Because he is disorganized, doesn't read directions, or is thinking about something else. He's also wildly inconsistent on standardized tests: he will test either at the 99th percentile or the 30th percentile (even though he knows the material well). Based on test scores you can't tell if he is barely literate or a tremendously advanced reader. For him it is all about attention and focus.

When he was tested and determined to be profoundly gifted, the tester actually told us not to worry about saving for college with this kid because he'd undoubtedly be offered scholarships to great schools. Well, we knew our kid better than that and have seen the reality. We have the MOST dollars socked away for him because he will probably struggle the most with grades as compared to our other merely "gifted" children.

[Anonymous]

Would also add (re social and emotional development) that, like your daughter, I was the eldest and, for a variety of reasons, I had household and childcare responsibilities that probably kept me grounded. Babysat a lot for neighbors as a teen. And was often asked by teachers to help others in school (starting in ES). Basically, I wasn’t set apart or encouraged to focus exclusively on my schoolwork because I was smart. I got asked to help and, in the context of doing so, developed other kinds of skills and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would also add (re social and emotional development) that, like your daughter, I was the eldest and, for a variety of reasons, I had household and childcare responsibilities that probably kept me grounded. Babysat a lot for neighbors as a teen. And was often asked by teachers to help others in school (starting in ES). Basically, I wasn’t set apart or encouraged to focus exclusively on my schoolwork because I was smart. I got asked to help and, in the context of doing so, developed other kinds of skills and relationships.

I'm one of the folks upthread who skipped a grade and regretted it, and this is SUCH GOOD ADVICE. While I did babysit in the neighborhood, I was basically given an "opt out" of family chores because I was "busy reading." In retrospect, this was bad for my work ethic but also really terrible for my siblings, who had to go chop wood or whatever while I focused on what I wanted to do instead.

Which actually brings up a point I meant to mention. I grew up pretty isolated in a rural community where education was not much valued, which almost certainly redoubled my isolation from my peers. When I think about it, I think I would have been just the top edge of normal around here, rather than an extreme outlier in Nowheresville, WV. The OP is hopefully going to be able to give her daughter much more intellectual engagement than my parents were able to give me, just because there were limited options.

I'd recommend an instrument, or martial arts, or a sport. Literally anything that won't come easily, to teach that important connection between hard work and mastery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These responses have been extremely helpful. Thank you to all of you that responded.

So far my daughter loves school and is doing well overall but I can definitely see how she will be surprised when she finds something difficult to pick up immediately in school. She's a bit of a perfectionist and hard on herself and although she doesn't have any indication of a learning disability, we are realizing she struggles with anxiety at times. The advice to focus on growth mindset and on hard work are good ones. We still have a lot to learn about how to support her.

For those of you that had similarly gifted kids, did any of you have them skip grades? It's something her teachers have brought up on several occasions but that we dismissed. After the recent meeting with her school, we are thinking about it more seriously.

No no - a thousand times NO.
First of all do not tell your child she’s gifted or make her feel ‘special’.
Secondly , skipping grades and doing higher level but still boring work is not a good idea. Also - it will just increase the likelihood of her having problems socially which isn’t good.

Supplement with interesting enrichment activities (for all your kids), apply to magnet schools or good private schools when you can and sign her up for peer activities - Girl Scouts, Sports, music?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would also add (re social and emotional development) that, like your daughter, I was the eldest and, for a variety of reasons, I had household and childcare responsibilities that probably kept me grounded. Babysat a lot for neighbors as a teen. And was often asked by teachers to help others in school (starting in ES). Basically, I wasn’t set apart or encouraged to focus exclusively on my schoolwork because I was smart. I got asked to help and, in the context of doing so, developed other kinds of skills and relationships.

I'm one of the folks upthread who skipped a grade and regretted it, and this is SUCH GOOD ADVICE. While I did babysit in the neighborhood, I was basically given an "opt out" of family chores because I was "busy reading." In retrospect, this was bad for my work ethic but also really terrible for my siblings, who had to go chop wood or whatever while I focused on what I wanted to do instead.

Which actually brings up a point I meant to mention. I grew up pretty isolated in a rural community where education was not much valued, which almost certainly redoubled my isolation from my peers. When I think about it, I think I would have been just the top edge of normal around here, rather than an extreme outlier in Nowheresville, WV. The OP is hopefully going to be able to give her daughter much more intellectual engagement than my parents were able to give me, just because there were limited options.

I'd recommend an instrument, or martial arts, or a sport. Literally anything that won't come easily, to teach that important connection between hard work and mastery.

The kids who grew up doing chores and having jobs are going to be way better functioning socially and in school and employment as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many - but certainly not all - gifted children also have a learning disability or ADHD. They might struggle with executive function skills or maintaining sustained focus in non-preferred subjects, so their grades don’t match their standardized test scores.

Well, the Washington area is also filled with successful non LD kids, so it’s not that high a percentage I don’t think.
Several of my friends’ sent their ‘profoundly gifted’ kids to top private schools here and by the end they decided their kid was ‘pretty darned normal’.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've gotten some really good advice, but I will chime in to say that first, you need to max your savings for college for all three kids, and second, you need to be more concerned about meeting your daughter's needs in her elementary/secondary school years. College is just way too far away to worry about. The Davidson recommendation is a good one. Profoundly gifted kids are often 2E -- twice exceptional --with learning disabilities or other social/emotional issues. Focus on the present, not on the future, to get your daughter's needs met. But as others have said as well -- do not single out your daughter for special treatment in your family. That is a recipe for lifelong resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to read through the whole thread so sorry if this is repetitive. But I would not worry about developing a good “work ethic” too much at this point. Elementary school homework is often profoundly boring for the gifted and forcing them to do it may just make them burn out or turn off school. Focus on the assignments that are inherently challenging (Like writing a biography) and ignore the stuff that is just busy work for them. Focus on encouraging and feeding heir interests and also try to encourage the thinking that a challenge is good, and of something is hard, hat just means it’s more interesting. Most gifted kids skate through early elementary and then when they get to something they actually need to learn, they get frustrated quickly because they’ve never had to actually try to learn something. Focus on feeding their passion for learning and curiosity—I think that’s worth investing some of your income there (so if they are passionate about archaeology, take them to Jamestown and, if you’ve got the cash, Italy. Or at least take them to the museums downtown and hit the library to find books on that topic.)

Also, I actually don’t think mediocre grades in hS are the end of the world. A lot of gifted kids are really bored by many HS classes so they check out. In college, they can find more challenging classes that are in tune with their interests and then real bloom and end up at a great graduate school. Sometimes the kids that are more focused on getting across the board A’s and being “well rounded” for college applications never really find their passion. That was sort of me. I went to a top college, did great, but never really focused in on what I love. I’ve got a fine career, but I know others that did much worse in HS that have careers they really love.

I really disagree with the bolded statement. First, if the assignments are ridiculously easy, then they can be polished off quickly and accurately and kid can move on to other things. The “that’s beneath you”/“ignore the boring stuff” attitude is really damaging in the long run for a host of reasons. By contrast, developing speed and accuracy wrt rote tasks is quite useful. Secondly, the boring vs inherently challenging distinction removes the kid’s agency. It’s worth recognizing, from an early age, that you can raise the bar yourself. Finding what’s interesting and learning how to engage/motivate yourself are important life skills.

[Anonymous]

I would educate yourself on merit aide now. Many schools will provide quite a bit to attract top talent. Many of the top schools offer none at all as (ie, everybody's brilliant) and focus on meeting 100% of demonstrated need. They tend to be well endowed and are generous to those in true need. Not so much to UMC "donut hole" families.

[Anonymous]

Don’t educate yourself on merit aid now because things will change before your kid gets to college. Merit aid is often a phase schools go through as they attempt to move up the rankings and that they phase out as they succeed in doing so. UChicago is a recent example. USC is probably on the verge of becoming another.

The most elite schools don’t give merit aid. And great state schools are a much better fall back than merit aid schools, especially if your DC wants to go to a major research university. USC was really the only merit aid school my DC would have considered applying to and it was pretty far down DC’s list (somewhere between #6 and #10). DC found a number of OOS publics more attractive.

[Anonymous]

OP here just to chime in and say thank you once again for all your thoughtful and helpful responses.

I'm glad to know that it sounds like we are on the right path in that DD has never even heard term
"gifted" and we definitely don't dwell on how smart she is or different from other kids. She just thinks of herself as a bookworm who loves math and science. She's also really involved in Girl Scouts and Student Council and tennis and dance and has a bunch of her own interests.

I am bookmarking these pages to be able to come back and read this advice again and again. Very good reminders on what to focus on for her future success. Thank you again.

[Anonymous]

Don’t educate yourself on merit aid now because things will change before your kid gets to college. Merit aid is often a phase schools go through as they attempt to move up the rankings and that they phase out as they succeed in doing so. UChicago is a recent example. USC is probably on the verge of becoming another.

The most elite schools don’t give merit aid. And great state schools are a much better fall back than merit aid schools, especially if your DC wants to go to a major research university. USC was really the only merit aid school my DC would have considered applying to and it was pretty far down DC’s list (somewhere between #6 and #10). DC found a number of OOS publics more attractive. Most of those would have had merit money for in-state kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not going to read through the whole thread so sorry if this is repetitive. But I would not worry about developing a good “work ethic” too much at this point. Elementary school homework is often profoundly boring for the gifted and forcing them to do it may just make them burn out or turn off school. Focus on the assignments that are inherently challenging (Like writing a biography) and ignore the stuff that is just busy work for them. Focus on encouraging and feeding heir interests and also try to encourage the thinking that a challenge is good, and of something is hard, hat just means it’s more interesting. Most gifted kids skate through early elementary and then when they get to something they actually need to learn, they get frustrated quickly because they’ve never had to actually try to learn something. Focus on feeding their passion for learning and curiosity—I think that’s worth investing some of your income there (so if they are passionate about archaeology, take them to Jamestown and, if you’ve got the cash, Italy. Or at least take them to the museums downtown and hit the library to find books on that topic.)

Also, I actually don’t think mediocre grades in hS are the end of the world. A lot of gifted kids are really bored by many HS classes so they check out. In college, they can find more challenging classes that are in tune with their interests and then real bloom and end up at a great graduate school. Sometimes the kids that are more focused on getting across the board A’s and being “well rounded” for college applications never really find their passion. That was sort of me. I went to a top college, did great, but never really focused in on what I love. I’ve got a fine career, but I know others that did much worse in HS that have careers they really love.

I really disagree with the bolded statement. First, if the assignments are ridiculously easy, then they can be polished off quickly and accurately and kid can move on to other things. The “that’s beneath you”/“ignore the boring stuff” attitude is really damaging in the long run for a host of reasons. By contrast, developing speed and accuracy wrt rote tasks is quite useful. Secondly, the boring vs inherently challenging distinction removes the kid’s agency. It’s worth recognizing, from an early age, that you can raise the bar yourself. Finding what’s interesting and learning how to engage/motivate yourself are important life skills.

I disagree with this though - early elementary school busy work is totally overdone and not a good use of anyone’s time. A little bit, sure. But really playtime, building things or just about any other activity is more valuable at this age. A lot of kids become totally disengaged from school when they are inundated with a lot of boring unnecessary busy work.