s/o- thanksgiving dinner at bedtime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't mean to spark a big debate. I said what I needed to MIL and really just needed to set a precedence that for this holiday and future ones, if its just immediate family, the meal needs to be at a more reasonable hour. There is no need to sit at the table until midnight (what MIL would like to do and wants to do especially on Christmas Eve) when it is just the immediate 6 family members present.

my side of the family is huge- 30 plus people at a gathering. in a situation like this.. I am extremely flexible. and would never ask for mealtime consideration for a toddler. You figure it out.. go late/come early/come for apps. With respect to my inlaws I also realize that since we are half of the party and a lot of effort goes into cooking, we should be there for the actual dinner! WE spend the entire day there, help cook, kid takes a nap there, etc, There are no other time constraints (no one is working or has other gatherings to attend), etc., so we can eat before 8PM.


Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Good job OP. Just one tiny nitpick. I think you mean you want to set a precedent for the future. Precedence refers to hierarchy.

[Anonymous]

We did some flexibility when our twins were young. If we were in your situation, we would feed them on the way over to Grandma's. At bedtime, they would change into pajamas. When the first meltdown that wasn't soothed quickly happened, we would pack up and leave. So, we would start dinner around 7:30ish and get about 45-60 minutes of dinner before the we needed to leave. We (Mom and Dad) knew well enough so we each took about 15-20 minutes to eat and we ate in shifts, one watching the kids while the other sat, ate and chatted with family. When we left, we put them in the car and they would fall asleep part way home and then I could transfer them to their own beds. Yes, on holidays, our kids sleep schedule was knocked off a bit and it might take us several days to get it back on schedule, but we did our best to accommodate the family schedule without making everyone else change their schedule for us.

I understand that this doesn't work for everyone, but we took the conditions we were given, did the best we could, flexed where possible and left when our family situation required us to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will trade any of you with nap issues/ mid day thanksgiving. .

Thanksgiving dinner is at my inlaws and I was just told dinner would be at 7 pm. It is just my in laws and childless SIL. My son (2) will not go down for the night at their house- 1 hour away. I suggested we slide dinner to 6 ( we will be there all day helping), and she said she says no, she prefers to eat at 7.. which means 7:30/8 at her house. There is no reason why we can't eat earlier. .no one is working, we help with food prep.. they just prefer to eat later. I grew up eating thanksgiving dinner at 3pm and am so confused!

I told her our family will be leaving at 8 pm (I will be flexible and stay a little later but need to give her a cutoff time- judging from last years 10pm departure!)... My Husband will follow up and supports me.. but come on. Give a little. If there were other guests involved I would stand down but not for a dinner with immediate family.

Op, what is their usual bedtime?
I’d say they need to eat at least an hour before that time.

Staying until 8 is not because of the meal, but because you want to spend a little more time. And I think that’s fine.

I’d tell her ‘thanks for inviting us. My kids need to eat no later than X [1 hour before usual bedtime]. Can we serve them something at that time, while the adults eat at your scheduled time?” If the answer is no. “Ok. Well thank you, we really would love to come, but the kids just can’t eat that late.”

It only takes so many hours to prep. If she can’t move it back, or have some part of the meal ready for kids...it means she has chosen a movable schedulenover their needs.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you simply tell them that this is not good for you and you will have T'giving dinner at your house in early afternoon and they are welcome to join you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree and this is one of the times I would be flexible with my 2 yo's bed time. Definitely feed him before, when he's hungry (6pm) but I'm sure for one night you can keep him up until 9pm, or if he's so unbelieably tired I'm sure he will fall asleep in Grandma's bed. Bring his PJ's and change him before you leave.

Agree. This is how I would handle it.

Is there a good reason the child can't stay up later? I know some kids turn into psychos after a certain hour, but if that's not the case it seems like OP could be more flexible.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I hosted a Neal, I set the time based on my husband’s availability (his job requires he work most holidays). But people invited knew that info in advance and were free to come or bake other arrangements as best suited them. No hard feelings in my part. But if someone decided they wanted to spend the holiday with us, then I really don’t want to hear requirements or dictates about when we eat or what I serve.

[Anonymous]

You set a precedent. Not presedence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does this require a different thread? Every response will be along the same lines.

No, my response is different from the lunch/napping Thanksgiving because I personally would boycott a Thanksgiving dinner that doesn't start until 7:00 pm. Everyone knows Thanksgiving dinner is supposed to be earlier than that because you've been waiting all day to eat a gigantic meal.

[Anonymous]

She certainly seems very inflexible and self-centered. Feel free to leave early.

[Anonymous]

It is interesting that you are reproving your MIL for being too rigid with her timing but yet you are doing the same thing, OP. As a mother of 5, I certainly "get" the need for structure and routine, including bedtimes. But I think you are missing two BIG opportunities here.

The first opportunity is to teach your son that family is important and sometimes that means compromising on your own schedule/routine. This is especially significant when showing your child how to show respect for his/your elders.

The second and more important opportunity is how to teach your child some flexibility. It is a great skill to have, to be flexible, and it is a hard skill to learn when children get older. Like learning a primary language, this is one that is best taught young. Children should learn how to adapt and how to self-soothe. You can help your child learn that skill by exercising a little flexibility with this dinner schedule. Perhaps you could put your child down for his afternoon nap a little later and tire him out a lot before so that he sleeps later, wakes later and is able to stay awake later. Then after dinner at his grandmas, change him into his jammies so he can fall asleep in the car home.

One final thought, OP. Your child has a limited amount of time with his grandparent, OP, do you really want to teach him that minor things in life like this are worthy of drawing lines in the sand? It sounds like you are stomping your feet in your message to your MIL. It sounds equally like she has a message for you. Are you hearing it? Remember that this is a woman who loves your husband and loves your son and who probably also loves you. Be gracious. She won't be here forever and when she is gone do you really want to look back on your behavior to reflect on how you "showed her" what's what?

[Anonymous]

PP, you just summarized my thoughts. I can't believe no one wrote this before.

[Anonymous]

Pp the kid is like 2. This is NOT an appropriate time to be teaching flexibility. That comes later. A two year needs what a two year old needs in terms of scheduling. Adults and teens and even older grad school kids can flex their sleep schedule a bit. No one should expect a child under the age of 5-6 to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is interesting that you are reproving your MIL for being too rigid with her timing but yet you are doing the same thing, OP. As a mother of 5, I certainly "get" the need for structure and routine, including bedtimes. But I think you are missing two BIG opportunities here.

The first opportunity is to teach your son that family is important and sometimes that means compromising on your own schedule/routine. This is especially significant when showing your child how to show respect for his/your elders.

The second and more important opportunity is how to teach your child some flexibility. It is a great skill to have, to be flexible, and it is a hard skill to learn when children get older. Like learning a primary language, this is one that is best taught young. Children should learn how to adapt and how to self-soothe. You can help your child learn that skill by exercising a little flexibility with this dinner schedule. Perhaps you could put your child down for his afternoon nap a little later and tire him out a lot before so that he sleeps later, wakes later and is able to stay awake later. Then after dinner at his grandmas, change him into his jammies so he can fall asleep in the car home.

One final thought, OP. Your child has a limited amount of time with his grandparent, OP, do you really want to teach him that minor things in life like this are worthy of drawing lines in the sand? It sounds like you are stomping your feet in your message to your MIL. It sounds equally like she has a message for you. Are you hearing it? Remember that this is a woman who loves your husband and loves your son and who probably also loves you. Be gracious. She won't be here forever and when she is gone do you really want to look back on your behavior to reflect on how you "showed her" what's what?

You sound like someone who is at least 15 years removed from having a 2 year old. The kid is 2, not 8 or 9 or 12, in which case MAYBE the message above holds some water. And you know what? Some of us don't believe in reflexive respect for elders. Some elders are utterly unworthy of that respect. Some have some lessons of their own they need to learn. Imagine that!

[Anonymous]

Get a Boston Market Thanksgiving meal. Eat at 6 with your child and then leave. Your DH can stay back if he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp the kid is like 2. This is NOT an appropriate time to be teaching flexibility. That comes later. A two year needs what a two year old needs in terms of scheduling. Adults and teens and even older grad school kids can flex their sleep schedule a bit. No one should expect a child under the age of 5-6 to do that.

+1

MIL can have her dinner at her preferred time or have her grandkid there and happy—sounds like she can’t have both, and look which she is picking.