grandma's been badmouthing our house to DS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL always goes above and beyond to complement us on something in the house, then says passive aggressive (or maybe just clueless) stuff about how it'll be "just so nice when we can have our OWN house one day." We are renting until we buy our forever house -- missed out on the started home by having kids early -- and I take such freaking offense at the sentiment that we are not really living in a real environment and/or aren't real grown ups yet because we don't own a house. It is infuriating. My child is 8 so soon he will be able to patch this together if he overhears, and I'll step in and make it really clear that she is being ridiculous...and offensive.

Not exactly the same, but I get your angst about it.

If MIL is so concerned she can give you the down payment and you can get your own home sooner. Also let your kids know wherever the family is living together is your own home. Rented or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shortly after my parents visited a few weeks ago, my DS, age 4, declared out of nowhere, "This house needs work!" It's strange phrasing for a 4 year old, so I asked him who said that. Grandma said that, he said. I believe him because my mother has always been a nitpicky, critical person quick to say something negative, especially when it comes to homes, cleanliness, how someone dresses. I asked him what else she said. He then said the windows are dirty. Yup, that's my mom.

Do I confront her on this or let it go? We see my parents only once every other month. She'd deny it over and over or respond with something manipulative, i.e. "I'm just concerned about my grandson living in a dirty house" and then ask if we have money problems. This is someone who never says she's sorry or self-reflects unless someone really laces into her. I've seen it over the years. She's become even more stubborn with age.

DS obviously isn't old enough to explain that grandma has a lot to say about things she has no control over. This is who she is and I know she's lost friends over not being able to keep her mouth shut.

I get it, I know we're behind on things here and DH and I do the best we can with very little time to spare. I don't need her knocking the house and our ability to keep it clean, especially shooting off remarks in front of my kid.

Wow so they say things like that to a child? How passive aggressive. Tell them to stay in a hotel going forward and meet them out somewhere so they don't need to come to your home.

[Anonymous]

And you don't owe them an explanation. You'll get it done when you're ready and mot on someone else's timeline.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is a "when they go low, we go high" moment. You clearly can't say anything bad to your kid about his grandma because he'll definitely repeat it back to her. And really, dirty windows... so what?

+1000 Windows, schmindows! Whenever he comes at you with something like this, you smile at him and say happily (not snarkily) "Oh, that Grandma! That's why we love her! Now, Laslo, tell me about your day. Did you...?". Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. You will be setting the tone for all future interactions!

What is why we love her, exactly? Because she's a snarky witch who always makes snide comments? I think that's actually a horrible way to raise children. Maybe this is why everyone keeps telling us that our kids are so lovely - we'd never EVER say that. Next thing you know, your son would be walking into someone's house with an air of arrogance remarking that the windows are filthy. Is that really what you want?

Anyway, to the first PP here, so what if he repeats it back to her? I'd absolutely say to my child, "unfortunately Grandma hasn't learned yet how to be polite, and that it's nasty to make rude comments about things that are none of her business". If it gets back to her, that's fine. It's nothing I wouldn't say directly to her face. And actually I would probably raise it directly with her anyway. I wouldn't want my children getting the message that behavior like that is even acceptable, let alone something to be admired.

Yikes. You sound lovely. What a wonderful role model you are for your child. Sigh.

From all reports, I'm a wonderful mother and our kids are wonderful too, so your sighs and sarcasm aren't warranted.

FYI "lovely" isn't the same as doormat. There's nothing wrong with explaining that inappropriate behavior is inappropriate. In fact, if more parents did this then I'd be willing to bet that kids would be much better behaved these days. When these situations come up, it's better to do that than just ignoring it or, worse still, actually glamorizing it as the PP suggested. You can't tell your kids one thing while they see the respected adults in their lives do the total opposite.

I guess "wonderful" is subjective then. Because I don't think that you are a "wonderful" mother if you are teaching your child that responding to a rude response with a rude response is okay. But you do what you're going to do and the rest of us will think what we think. The PP was not "glamorizing" it, she was teaching her child that you accept what someone is saying and move on. The PP's response accepted her mother as she is and was training her child to do the same. It is a shame that you can't see this.

DP. I can’t disagree enough. I think it’s perfectly fine to teach kids boundaries and that when others say rude and hurtful things, we don’t have to lie down and take it. We teach others how to treat us. Allowing people to continue to make nasty remarks to us or about us to our children teaches them it’s ok to keep doing it.

Well, bless your heart. But I guess that you would be proving that you are indeed your mother's daughter if that is the way that you would respond to your mother and that is the way you are teaching your children to respond to their grandmother. What a charming family you must all be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, my step mom came to our house and commented, "Wow. It is so clean!"

I didn't know what to say, because the truth is, it was about as clean as a house usually is with two working parents and a preschooler - good enough, but you wouldn't eat off the floor. Not sure what she was expecting from us. We have always kept our house reasonably clean.

My MIL does this as well. Instead of it being a complement it makes me wonder if she feels I keep it dirty othertimes. Lol. Either way, I agree with the poster. Let it go. Older women tend to forget that they didn’t have it all together when they were in the trenches either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you pp for the kind words. Not op but in a similar situation.

+1, thanks PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Grandma talks a lot. We smile, nod and ignore her."

Something like this. You acknowledge that while you love grandma, sometimes she likes to criticize or be really picky.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is a "when they go low, we go high" moment. You clearly can't say anything bad to your kid about his grandma because he'll definitely repeat it back to her. And really, dirty windows... so what?

+1000 Windows, schmindows! Whenever he comes at you with something like this, you smile at him and say happily (not snarkily) "Oh, that Grandma! That's why we love her! Now, Laslo, tell me about your day. Did you...?". Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. You will be setting the tone for all future interactions!

What is why we love her, exactly? Because she's a snarky witch who always makes snide comments? I think that's actually a horrible way to raise children. Maybe this is why everyone keeps telling us that our kids are so lovely - we'd never EVER say that. Next thing you know, your son would be walking into someone's house with an air of arrogance remarking that the windows are filthy. Is that really what you want?

Anyway, to the first PP here, so what if he repeats it back to her? I'd absolutely say to my child, "unfortunately Grandma hasn't learned yet how to be polite, and that it's nasty to make rude comments about things that are none of her business". If it gets back to her, that's fine. It's nothing I wouldn't say directly to her face. And actually I would probably raise it directly with her anyway. I wouldn't want my children getting the message that behavior like that is even acceptable, let alone something to be admired.

Yikes. You sound lovely. What a wonderful role model you are for your child. Sigh.

From all reports, I'm a wonderful mother and our kids are wonderful too, so your sighs and sarcasm aren't warranted.

FYI "lovely" isn't the same as doormat. There's nothing wrong with explaining that inappropriate behavior is inappropriate. In fact, if more parents did this then I'd be willing to bet that kids would be much better behaved these days. When these situations come up, it's better to do that than just ignoring it or, worse still, actually glamorizing it as the PP suggested. You can't tell your kids one thing while they see the respected adults in their lives do the total opposite.

I guess "wonderful" is subjective then. Because I don't think that you are a "wonderful" mother if you are teaching your child that responding to a rude response with a rude response is okay. But you do what you're going to do and the rest of us will think what we think. The PP was not "glamorizing" it, she was teaching her child that you accept what someone is saying and move on. The PP's response accepted her mother as she is and was training her child to do the same. It is a shame that you can't see this.

DP. I can’t disagree enough. I think it’s perfectly fine to teach kids boundaries and that when others say rude and hurtful things, we don’t have to lie down and take it. We teach others how to treat us. Allowing people to continue to make nasty remarks to us or about us to our children teaches them it’s ok to keep doing it.

Well, bless your heart. But I guess that you would be proving that you are indeed your mother's daughter if that is the way that you would respond to your mother and that is the way you are teaching your children to respond to their grandmother. What a charming family you must all be!

Telling a child that their grandmother (or anyone else who just made a nasty and totally uncalled for remark) acted inappropriately isn't wrong.

Maybe you should go back and read your response(s) and you'll see that you're the one who's been insulting people, making sarcastic rude remarks about them and their families. You're starting to give the impression that you're one of the people always making nasty remarks and expecting everyone else to put up with it.

Not cool. And definitely not setting a good example for your child(ren).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This is a "when they go low, we go high" moment. You clearly can't say anything bad to your kid about his grandma because he'll definitely repeat it back to her. And really, dirty windows... so what?

+1000 Windows, schmindows! Whenever he comes at you with something like this, you smile at him and say happily (not snarkily) "Oh, that Grandma! That's why we love her! Now, Laslo, tell me about your day. Did you...?". Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. You will be setting the tone for all future interactions!

What is why we love her, exactly? Because she's a snarky witch who always makes snide comments? I think that's actually a horrible way to raise children. Maybe this is why everyone keeps telling us that our kids are so lovely - we'd never EVER say that. Next thing you know, your son would be walking into someone's house with an air of arrogance remarking that the windows are filthy. Is that really what you want?

Anyway, to the first PP here, so what if he repeats it back to her? I'd absolutely say to my child, "unfortunately Grandma hasn't learned yet how to be polite, and that it's nasty to make rude comments about things that are none of her business". If it gets back to her, that's fine. It's nothing I wouldn't say directly to her face. And actually I would probably raise it directly with her anyway. I wouldn't want my children getting the message that behavior like that is even acceptable, let alone something to be admired.

Yikes. You sound lovely. What a wonderful role model you are for your child. Sigh.

From all reports, I'm a wonderful mother and our kids are wonderful too, so your sighs and sarcasm aren't warranted.

FYI "lovely" isn't the same as doormat. There's nothing wrong with explaining that inappropriate behavior is inappropriate. In fact, if more parents did this then I'd be willing to bet that kids would be much better behaved these days. When these situations come up, it's better to do that than just ignoring it or, worse still, actually glamorizing it as the PP suggested. You can't tell your kids one thing while they see the respected adults in their lives do the total opposite.

I guess "wonderful" is subjective then. Because I don't think that you are a "wonderful" mother if you are teaching your child that responding to a rude response with a rude response is okay. But you do what you're going to do and the rest of us will think what we think. The PP was not "glamorizing" it, she was teaching her child that you accept what someone is saying and move on. The PP's response accepted her mother as she is and was training her child to do the same. It is a shame that you can't see this.

DP. I can’t disagree enough. I think it’s perfectly fine to teach kids boundaries and that when others say rude and hurtful things, we don’t have to lie down and take it. We teach others how to treat us. Allowing people to continue to make nasty remarks to us or about us to our children teaches them it’s ok to keep doing it.

Well, bless your heart. But I guess that you would be proving that you are indeed your mother's daughter if that is the way that you would respond to your mother and that is the way you are teaching your children to respond to their grandmother. What a charming family you must all be!

Telling a child that their grandmother (or anyone else who just made a nasty and totally uncalled for remark) acted inappropriately isn't wrong.

Maybe you should go back and read your response(s) and you'll see that you're the one who's been insulting people, making sarcastic rude remarks about them and their families. You're starting to give the impression that you're one of the people always making nasty remarks and expecting everyone else to put up with it.

Not cool. And definitely not setting a good example for your child(ren).

Smile! Again, you definitely are your mother's daughter. Good luck with that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go

^^This. Choose your battles. This isn't a battle I'd suggest choosing, because you'll never win. You know how your mom is, you said she'll never change, so let it go. At least she didn't say any negative comments to you directly. That would be a different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH when I get worked up about stuff his mother says: “You can’t change a 70 year old woman. She’ll be gone (dead) before we know it, so let’s just move on and enjoy the time we have.”

DH has the patience of a saint with his parents and mine. [/quote


My mother is almost 90 and hoing strong. Your DH has decided to do nothing. You may be grandparents yourself before you lose MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH when I get worked up about stuff his mother says: “You can’t change a 70 year old woman. She’ll be gone (dead) before we know it, so let’s just move on and enjoy the time we have.”

DH has the patience of a saint with his parents and mine.

My mother is almost 90 and hoing strong. Your DH has decided to do nothing. You may be grandparents yourself before you lose MIL.

... or you could be the one who dies first, and then you've spent your whole life accepting people putting you down and making you feel bad about your decisions. People die at the age of 30 or 40 for random stuff all the time.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to call our 3200sq ft townhouse “the apartment”. Drove my husband nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shortly after my parents visited a few weeks ago, my DS, age 4, declared out of nowhere, "This house needs work!" It's strange phrasing for a 4 year old, so I asked him who said that. Grandma said that, he said. I believe him because my mother has always been a nitpicky, critical person quick to say something negative, especially when it comes to homes, cleanliness, how someone dresses. I asked him what else she said. He then said the windows are dirty. Yup, that's my mom.

Do I confront her on this or let it go? We see my parents only once every other month. She'd deny it over and over or respond with something manipulative, i.e. "I'm just concerned about my grandson living in a dirty house" and then ask if we have money problems. This is someone who never says she's sorry or self-reflects unless someone really laces into her. I've seen it over the years. She's become even more stubborn with age.

DS obviously isn't old enough to explain that grandma has a lot to say about things she has no control over. This is who she is and I know she's lost friends over not being able to keep her mouth shut.

I get it, I know we're behind on things here and DH and I do the best we can with very little time to spare. I don't need her knocking the house and our ability to keep it clean, especially shooting off remarks in front of my kid.

She's a painful self-critic, correct OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH when I get worked up about stuff his mother says: “You can’t change a 70 year old woman. She’ll be gone (dead) before we know it, so let’s just move on and enjoy the time we have.”

DH has the patience of a saint with his parents and mine.

My mother is almost 90 and hoing strong. Your DH has decided to do nothing. You may be grandparents yourself before you lose MIL.

... or you could be the one who dies first, and then you've spent your whole life accepting people putting you down and making you feel bad about your decisions. People die at the age of 30 or 40 for random stuff all the time.

NP. Oh, gosh, I feel sorry for you if this is what you believe. No one can make you feel bad about your decisions; only you can do that to you. When you are so sensitive that you cannot accept someone else's statement and move on then you are doing yourself a huge disservice. You don't need to rebut or engage, simply smile and keep on going. From your statement it appears as though you think that it makes you feel better to say something but in actuality all you are doing is continuing to dig at yourself kinda like picking at a scab. PP, it is okay if someone says something that you don't agree with. You don't have to take it to heart and you don't have to carry that burden. Let it go.