grandma's been badmouthing our house to DS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a "when they go low, we go high" moment. You clearly can't say anything bad to your kid about his grandma because he'll definitely repeat it back to her. And really, dirty windows... so what?

+1000 Windows, schmindows! Whenever he comes at you with something like this, you smile at him and say happily (not snarkily) "Oh, that Grandma! That's why we love her! Now, Laslo, tell me about your day. Did you...?". Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. You will be setting the tone for all future interactions!

What is why we love her, exactly? Because she's a snarky witch who always makes snide comments? I think that's actually a horrible way to raise children. Maybe this is why everyone keeps telling us that our kids are so lovely - we'd never EVER say that. Next thing you know, your son would be walking into someone's house with an air of arrogance remarking that the windows are filthy. Is that really what you want?

Anyway, to the first PP here, so what if he repeats it back to her? I'd absolutely say to my child, "unfortunately Grandma hasn't learned yet how to be polite, and that it's nasty to make rude comments about things that are none of her business". If it gets back to her, that's fine. It's nothing I wouldn't say directly to her face. And actually I would probably raise it directly with her anyway. I wouldn't want my children getting the message that behavior like that is even acceptable, let alone something to be admired.

Yikes. You sound lovely. What a wonderful role model you are for your child. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother can be very negative - though luckily her current medication seems to be helping more. I have learned to smile, nod and distance myself as needed to not be bothered by it.

Try not to take it personally. My ILs are wonderful people but can't be still. When they visited us last month they took it upon themselves to wash all all of our living room and dining room windows. I feel bad that that's what they felt that they needed to do on their vacation, but I also know that FIL in particular ALWAYS needs a project when he visits so if that's what he wanted to do I'm happy to let him We live in an old house and the kids KNOW that it needs work because we're constantly working on it.

My dad is like this. I always have a list for him when he visits. He LOVES helping me out with my house (old, kinda creaky, needs work but is very very solid), and loves when I have a few projects for him to tackle, better still if I'm doing it with him. So, if you don't want them to find chores (although window washing is better than taking apart your kitchen shelving and re-organizing it), make a list! FIL might love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother can be very negative - though luckily her current medication seems to be helping more. I have learned to smile, nod and distance myself as needed to not be bothered by it.

Try not to take it personally. My ILs are wonderful people but can't be still. When they visited us last month they took it upon themselves to wash all all of our living room and dining room windows. I feel bad that that's what they felt that they needed to do on their vacation, but I also know that FIL in particular ALWAYS needs a project when he visits so if that's what he wanted to do I'm happy to let him We live in an old house and the kids KNOW that it needs work because we're constantly working on it.

My dad is like this. I always have a list for him when he visits. He LOVES helping me out with my house (old, kinda creaky, needs work but is very very solid), and loves when I have a few projects for him to tackle, better still if I'm doing it with him. So, if you don't want them to find chores (although window washing is better than taking apart your kitchen shelving and re-organizing it), make a list! FIL might love it.

I love this! It is so sweet that for both of you prior posters that your in-laws and dads wants to do it and that you are happy to let them! How wonderful!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a "when they go low, we go high" moment. You clearly can't say anything bad to your kid about his grandma because he'll definitely repeat it back to her. And really, dirty windows... so what?

+1000 Windows, schmindows! Whenever he comes at you with something like this, you smile at him and say happily (not snarkily) "Oh, that Grandma! That's why we love her! Now, Laslo, tell me about your day. Did you...?". Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. You will be setting the tone for all future interactions!

What is why we love her, exactly? Because she's a snarky witch who always makes snide comments? I think that's actually a horrible way to raise children. Maybe this is why everyone keeps telling us that our kids are so lovely - we'd never EVER say that. Next thing you know, your son would be walking into someone's house with an air of arrogance remarking that the windows are filthy. Is that really what you want?

Anyway, to the first PP here, so what if he repeats it back to her? I'd absolutely say to my child, "unfortunately Grandma hasn't learned yet how to be polite, and that it's nasty to make rude comments about things that are none of her business". If it gets back to her, that's fine. It's nothing I wouldn't say directly to her face. And actually I would probably raise it directly with her anyway. I wouldn't want my children getting the message that behavior like that is even acceptable, let alone something to be admired.

Yikes. You sound lovely. What a wonderful role model you are for your child. Sigh.

From all reports, I'm a wonderful mother and our kids are wonderful too, so your sighs and sarcasm aren't warranted.

FYI "lovely" isn't the same as doormat. There's nothing wrong with explaining that inappropriate behavior is inappropriate. In fact, if more parents did this then I'd be willing to bet that kids would be much better behaved these days. When these situations come up, it's better to do that than just ignoring it or, worse still, actually glamorizing it as the PP suggested. You can't tell your kids one thing while they see the respected adults in their lives do the total opposite.

[Anonymous]

NP here, my parents like to be busy as well when they come to visit. It's taken me a long time to figure out and them a long time to come right out and say (we're not great communicators). It really is a thing-- not just that they like being busy, but that they actively dislike sitting around. Relaxing isn't relaxing for these types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a "when they go low, we go high" moment. You clearly can't say anything bad to your kid about his grandma because he'll definitely repeat it back to her. And really, dirty windows... so what?

+1000 Windows, schmindows! Whenever he comes at you with something like this, you smile at him and say happily (not snarkily) "Oh, that Grandma! That's why we love her! Now, Laslo, tell me about your day. Did you...?". Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. You will be setting the tone for all future interactions!

What is why we love her, exactly? Because she's a snarky witch who always makes snide comments? I think that's actually a horrible way to raise children. Maybe this is why everyone keeps telling us that our kids are so lovely - we'd never EVER say that. Next thing you know, your son would be walking into someone's house with an air of arrogance remarking that the windows are filthy. Is that really what you want?

Anyway, to the first PP here, so what if he repeats it back to her? I'd absolutely say to my child, "unfortunately Grandma hasn't learned yet how to be polite, and that it's nasty to make rude comments about things that are none of her business". If it gets back to her, that's fine. It's nothing I wouldn't say directly to her face. And actually I would probably raise it directly with her anyway. I wouldn't want my children getting the message that behavior like that is even acceptable, let alone something to be admired.

Yikes. You sound lovely. What a wonderful role model you are for your child. Sigh.

From all reports, I'm a wonderful mother and our kids are wonderful too, so your sighs and sarcasm aren't warranted.

FYI "lovely" isn't the same as doormat. There's nothing wrong with explaining that inappropriate behavior is inappropriate. In fact, if more parents did this then I'd be willing to bet that kids would be much better behaved these days. When these situations come up, it's better to do that than just ignoring it or, worse still, actually glamorizing it as the PP suggested. You can't tell your kids one thing while they see the respected adults in their lives do the total opposite.

I agree. It would be inappropriate to suggest that grandma being unkind or passive aggressive is cute. It sends the wrong message to the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a "when they go low, we go high" moment. You clearly can't say anything bad to your kid about his grandma because he'll definitely repeat it back to her. And really, dirty windows... so what?

+1000 Windows, schmindows! Whenever he comes at you with something like this, you smile at him and say happily (not snarkily) "Oh, that Grandma! That's why we love her! Now, Laslo, tell me about your day. Did you...?". Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. You will be setting the tone for all future interactions!

What is why we love her, exactly? Because she's a snarky witch who always makes snide comments? I think that's actually a horrible way to raise children. Maybe this is why everyone keeps telling us that our kids are so lovely - we'd never EVER say that. Next thing you know, your son would be walking into someone's house with an air of arrogance remarking that the windows are filthy. Is that really what you want?

Anyway, to the first PP here, so what if he repeats it back to her? I'd absolutely say to my child, "unfortunately Grandma hasn't learned yet how to be polite, and that it's nasty to make rude comments about things that are none of her business". If it gets back to her, that's fine. It's nothing I wouldn't say directly to her face. And actually I would probably raise it directly with her anyway. I wouldn't want my children getting the message that behavior like that is even acceptable, let alone something to be admired.

Yikes. You sound lovely. What a wonderful role model you are for your child. Sigh.

From all reports, I'm a wonderful mother and our kids are wonderful too, so your sighs and sarcasm aren't warranted.

FYI "lovely" isn't the same as doormat. There's nothing wrong with explaining that inappropriate behavior is inappropriate. In fact, if more parents did this then I'd be willing to bet that kids would be much better behaved these days. When these situations come up, it's better to do that than just ignoring it or, worse still, actually glamorizing it as the PP suggested. You can't tell your kids one thing while they see the respected adults in their lives do the total opposite.

I guess "wonderful" is subjective then. Because I don't think that you are a "wonderful" mother if you are teaching your child that responding to a rude response with a rude response is okay. But you do what you're going to do and the rest of us will think what we think. The PP was not "glamorizing" it, she was teaching her child that you accept what someone is saying and move on. The PP's response accepted her mother as she is and was training her child to do the same. It is a shame that you can't see this.

[Anonymous]

You're in the habit of feeling defensive. That's a habit to break. I know it well, with my hypercritical, negative parents.

The best thing you can do is to work on reminding yourself over and over that you're doing fine. You're doing the best you can and your house is not you. Your house doesn't need to be perfect. You don't need to be perfect. You are blessed to have a house, enough to eat, a loving family, etc. This will all get easier with time and age, if you start working on it now.

[Anonymous]

Thank you pp for the kind words. Not op but in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shortly after my parents visited a few weeks ago, my DS, age 4, declared out of nowhere, "This house needs work!" It's strange phrasing for a 4 year old, so I asked him who said that. Grandma said that, he said. I believe him because my mother has always been a nitpicky, critical person quick to say something negative, especially when it comes to homes, cleanliness, how someone dresses. I asked him what else she said. He then said the windows are dirty. Yup, that's my mom.

Do I confront her on this or let it go? We see my parents only once every other month. She'd deny it over and over or respond with something manipulative, i.e. "I'm just concerned about my grandson living in a dirty house" and then ask if we have money problems. This is someone who never says she's sorry or self-reflects unless someone really laces into her. I've seen it over the years. She's become even more stubborn with age.

DS obviously isn't old enough to explain that grandma has a lot to say about things she has no control over. This is who she is and I know she's lost friends over not being able to keep her mouth shut.

I get it, I know we're behind on things here and DH and I do the best we can with very little time to spare. I don't need her knocking the house and our ability to keep it clean, especially shooting off remarks in front of my kid.

LOL. Thanks for the chuckle. So funny. Just have a laugh with your Mom about it.

[Anonymous]

DH when I get worked up about stuff his mother says: “You can’t change a 70 year old woman. She’ll be gone (dead) before we know it, so let’s just move on and enjoy the time we have.”

DH has the patience of a saint with his parents and mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH when I get worked up about stuff his mother says: “You can’t change a 70 year old woman. She’ll be gone (dead) before we know it, so let’s just move on and enjoy the time we have.”

DH has the patience of a saint with his parents and mine.

Very kind and true words from your husband! Sounds like you married a really good man!

[Anonymous]

Maybe she said it about her own home to someone else, and your son overheard. Why don't you just talk to her about it? She's your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a "when they go low, we go high" moment. You clearly can't say anything bad to your kid about his grandma because he'll definitely repeat it back to her. And really, dirty windows... so what?

+1000 Windows, schmindows! Whenever he comes at you with something like this, you smile at him and say happily (not snarkily) "Oh, that Grandma! That's why we love her! Now, Laslo, tell me about your day. Did you...?". Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. You will be setting the tone for all future interactions!

What is why we love her, exactly? Because she's a snarky witch who always makes snide comments? I think that's actually a horrible way to raise children. Maybe this is why everyone keeps telling us that our kids are so lovely - we'd never EVER say that. Next thing you know, your son would be walking into someone's house with an air of arrogance remarking that the windows are filthy. Is that really what you want?

Anyway, to the first PP here, so what if he repeats it back to her? I'd absolutely say to my child, "unfortunately Grandma hasn't learned yet how to be polite, and that it's nasty to make rude comments about things that are none of her business". If it gets back to her, that's fine. It's nothing I wouldn't say directly to her face. And actually I would probably raise it directly with her anyway. I wouldn't want my children getting the message that behavior like that is even acceptable, let alone something to be admired.

Yikes. You sound lovely. What a wonderful role model you are for your child. Sigh.

From all reports, I'm a wonderful mother and our kids are wonderful too, so your sighs and sarcasm aren't warranted.

FYI "lovely" isn't the same as doormat. There's nothing wrong with explaining that inappropriate behavior is inappropriate. In fact, if more parents did this then I'd be willing to bet that kids would be much better behaved these days. When these situations come up, it's better to do that than just ignoring it or, worse still, actually glamorizing it as the PP suggested. You can't tell your kids one thing while they see the respected adults in their lives do the total opposite.

I guess "wonderful" is subjective then. Because I don't think that you are a "wonderful" mother if you are teaching your child that responding to a rude response with a rude response is okay. But you do what you're going to do and the rest of us will think what we think. The PP was not "glamorizing" it, she was teaching her child that you accept what someone is saying and move on. The PP's response accepted her mother as she is and was training her child to do the same. It is a shame that you can't see this.

DP. I can’t disagree enough. I think it’s perfectly fine to teach kids boundaries and that when others say rude and hurtful things, we don’t have to lie down and take it. We teach others how to treat us. Allowing people to continue to make nasty remarks to us or about us to our children teaches them it’s ok to keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

My mom always comments on the cleanliness of my home too- it’s honestly annoying - maybe mom’s can’t help it.