grandma's been badmouthing our house to DS
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Anonymous
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Shortly after my parents visited a few weeks ago, my DS, age 4, declared out of nowhere, "This house needs work!" It's strange phrasing for a 4 year old, so I asked him who said that. Grandma said that, he said. I believe him because my mother has always been a nitpicky, critical person quick to say something negative, especially when it comes to homes, cleanliness, how someone dresses. I asked him what else she said. He then said the windows are dirty. Yup, that's my mom.
Do I confront her on this or let it go? We see my parents only once every other month. She'd deny it over and over or respond with something manipulative, i.e. "I'm just concerned about my grandson living in a dirty house" and then ask if we have money problems. This is someone who never says she's sorry or self-reflects unless someone really laces into her. I've seen it over the years. She's become even more stubborn with age. DS obviously isn't old enough to explain that grandma has a lot to say about things she has no control over. This is who she is and I know she's lost friends over not being able to keep her mouth shut. I get it, I know we're behind on things here and DH and I do the best we can with very little time to spare. I don't need her knocking the house and our ability to keep it clean, especially shooting off remarks in front of my kid. |
Anonymous
| Let Grams know that no one will be coming to or visiting for the holidays as you and DH have lots of WORK to do around the house. |
Anonymous
Oh so this. |
Anonymous
| "Grandma talks a lot. We smile, nod and ignore her." |
Anonymous
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My mom is similar and her annoying boyfriend who lives (for free) in her house is even worse. Made really rude comments.
The last time they stayed here was the really the last time. I told her that they are not welcome to stay at our house when they come to visit. Our house is old and we do our best, but yes, a full renovation would be nice. Unless she wants to help us pay for it, she gets no say in the matter. Saying things to the kids is really unacceptable though. You need to tell her to stop. |
Anonymous
| Let it go |
Anonymous
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My mother can be very negative - though luckily her current medication seems to be helping more. I have learned to smile, nod and distance myself as needed to not be bothered by it.
Try not to take it personally. My ILs are wonderful people but can't be still. When they visited us last month they took it upon themselves to wash all all of our living room and dining room windows. I feel bad that that's what they felt that they needed to do on their vacation, but I also know that FIL in particular ALWAYS needs a project when he visits so if that's what he wanted to do I'm happy to let him  We live in an old house and the kids KNOW that it needs work because we're constantly working on it.
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Anonymous
| This is a "when they go low, we go high" moment. You clearly can't say anything bad to your kid about his grandma because he'll definitely repeat it back to her. And really, dirty windows... so what? |
Anonymous
| Remind Grandma that little pitchers have big ears. She probably doesn't remember that 4-year-olds are not babies. Who knows what else she might say, thinking it will go over his head? |
Anonymous
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Well, my step mom came to our house and commented, "Wow. It is so clean!"
I didn't know what to say, because the truth is, it was about as clean as a house usually is with two working parents and a preschooler - good enough, but you wouldn't eat off the floor. Not sure what she was expecting from us. We have always kept our house reasonably clean. |
Anonymous
+1000 Windows, schmindows! Whenever he comes at you with something like this, you smile at him and say happily (not snarkily) "Oh, that Grandma! That's why we love her! Now, Laslo, tell me about your day. Did you...?". Practice in front of a mirror until you get it right. You will be setting the tone for all future interactions! |
Anonymous
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My MIL always goes above and beyond to complement us on something in the house, then says passive aggressive (or maybe just clueless) stuff about how it'll be "just so nice when we can have our OWN house one day." We are renting until we buy our forever house -- missed out on the started home by having kids early -- and I take such freaking offense at the sentiment that we are not really living in a real environment and/or aren't real grown ups yet because we don't own a house. It is infuriating. My child is 8 so soon he will be able to patch this together if he overhears, and I'll step in and make it really clear that she is being ridiculous...and offensive.
Not exactly the same, but I get your angst about it. |
Anonymous
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Turn it into something you can laugh about, OP.
And if DS keeps saying things like that, you can always reply "isn't it nice that we have a house?" Or "you know what I like about our house?" And then switch the subject. As he grows older he will also see the difference between a grandmother who complains all the time about things and parents who go about their merry way with good humor. And I can guarantee the good humor will win. But you and DH can have private little jokes about it behind closed doors. My mom's passive-agressive comments keep us endlessly entertained. |
Anonymous
What is why we love her, exactly? Because she's a snarky witch who always makes snide comments? I think that's actually a horrible way to raise children. Maybe this is why everyone keeps telling us that our kids are so lovely - we'd never EVER say that. Next thing you know, your son would be walking into someone's house with an air of arrogance remarking that the windows are filthy. Is that really what you want? Anyway, to the first PP here, so what if he repeats it back to her? I'd absolutely say to my child, "unfortunately Grandma hasn't learned yet how to be polite, and that it's nasty to make rude comments about things that are none of her business". If it gets back to her, that's fine. It's nothing I wouldn't say directly to her face. And actually I would probably raise it directly with her anyway. I wouldn't want my children getting the message that behavior like that is even acceptable, let alone something to be admired. |
Anonymous
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What would you say about my mother, OP? She's called me and my toddler daughter fat (I was underweight at the time , my daughter was perfectly normal). She's called my husband a jerk. I could go on. Distancing ourselves has worked like a charm. She's so happy to see us that she's all charm for the first couple of days. Anything over a 10 day visit starts bringing the nasty back. |