Dating a single parent

[Anonymous]

The weekend situation sounds tough to navigate. It's too bad they can't get on a more fixed schedule, like every-other-weekend or "Dad has Friday/Mom has Saturday."

I'm a single mom who has nights off on Monday, Wednesday and one of the weekend nights. Most parents around here seem to do that alternating weekends of custody thing, so some of the single dads I've met find my situation kind of odd. I like it, though - I like having one night out with friends (or a date) and one night with my daughter. Generally if I meet someone I might like, I start with a Wednesday date and if he makes the cut, we figure out the weekends. If I can't see him because he has his kids, oh well - I'll find something else to do. A lot of guys want more flexibility/time from a partner than I can offer them, though, and that's just life.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I dated a man with 3 children, who had 50-50 custody. I liked it, plenty of time to do my thing when he had his kids, but I'm not want one to cling on to someone that I'm dating.

Also, please stop dating men with children if you can't handle the fact that you are not the first priority (nor should you be).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you aren't going to meet the kids "for a long time" obviously this man doesn't feel seriously about you, and it doesn't seem like it's a good fit anyway. I know a few guys that had a string of post divorce "girlfriends" that never met the kids, even if they dated for a few years. When the right woman came along, all of a sudden they were only too ready to have her meet the kids and do some family type activities all together. Sounds like you are a post divorce fling.

Guy : the kids aren’t crash test dummies. I’m not going to introduce every im dating. So of course when I meet someone who is a keeper I’ll introduce her - once I’ve established that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you aren't going to meet the kids "for a long time" obviously this man doesn't feel seriously about you, and it doesn't seem like it's a good fit anyway. I know a few guys that had a string of post divorce "girlfriends" that never met the kids, even if they dated for a few years. When the right woman came along, all of a sudden they were only too ready to have her meet the kids and do some family type activities all together. Sounds like you are a post divorce fling.

Guy : the kids aren’t crash test dummies. I’m not going to introduce every im dating. So of course when I meet someone who is a keeper I’ll introduce her - once I’ve established that.

Pp here! Yes, this is what I was saying. So clearly in OP's case, the man does not see her as a "keeper" because he's already warned her it's going to be a long time (probably never) before she meets the kids.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a good guy and you sound like a person with very reasonable expectations under ordinary circumstances - i.e, a guy with a more predictable custody schedule. Don't listen to the bitter Betties on here who are divorced from their children's dads and feel threatened by a new girlfriend. Do what works for you and don't put yourself in a situation where you don't feel like you are enough of a priority. You matter too. The fact that he has kids does not negate the fact that you have needs and wants that must be met. And this situation may not work for you because of those needs. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Here's what it sounds like to me -- the guy isn't totally ready to commit to you as a girlfriend and thus isn't ready to introduce you to his kids or make different arrangements for custody as needed. This isn't a bad thing and isn't forever. It's probably just that he's being cautious early on in a relationship, and that's a good thing!

It seems to me that if you start to get closer, a few things will happen. One is that you will start spending some time with him and his kids together, opening up more time for you to be together. You might go on an outing with them on a Saturday or come over and have pizza at night. The other thing that might happen is that he will be more comfortable noting that he has plans to his ex and rescheduling custody for the week as needed. This isn't going to happen all the time, but it could happen if there is a particular weekend you want to go away together or a special show you want to get tickets for. It sounds like they already change the schedule informally as needed when his ex needs time for other things (work or whatever). It may be be possible to change things as needed for him, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. You are already viewing his time with his kids as an annoying imposition on your couple time. This is not going to work out.

This!! You’re walking into being THAT stepmom. Never mind that he has at least 4-5 nights a week to himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s an odd custody arrangement. But I suspect it would be a big deal to change it if his ex isn’t on board.
So youll have to make some tough choices

Even if the ex is on board, the Dad shouldn’t make such a big change in his kids’ lives to make things convenient for a new partner. This kids have established routines around this schedule.

Also, it’s not that unusual. Many people choose EOW rather than splitting every weekend, but it is the same amount of time and can be helpful when making plans far in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single mom with a custody schedule like you describe. The truth is, it doesn't work for dating. In general, my ex has the kids 1 night a week and every other weekend--except when he doesn't.

Our "family" comes first. We're coming up to bonus time. If ex has to work late, then I have the kids even if it's his night. If working late means he was supposed to take the kids at 5 but can't until 7, then I adjust. Makes it hard though if there are tickets to Caps game that night with someone I'm dating.

As for the weekends, we have a schedule but we just don't seem to follow it much. It works for us. But not for dating. I gave up dating about a year ago.

If you want to date, you still can. Just schedule back up childcare and bill him when you have plans and he’s unavailable on his nights. He has PLENTY of time to date. Your ex probably doesn’t want you to date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you op? If you are young and having plans on the weekend is a priority this is not the man for you. It could work with someone older.

I am divorced with kids and he sounds dreamy. He has his own kids and his own scheduling issues. So he is more likely to relate to my kid and scheduling issues. He isn't going to be clingy. He doesn't have the time. I love spending Friday nights at home alone. I don't get much alone time. . Having someone to catch a matinee and dinner with on Sunday would be great.

Based on your post, I don't think he can give you what you need.

I agree; I read this and thought "this guy would get me." Single mom of two younger boys.

[Anonymous]

Schedule a fun outing on Sundays, smaller meet ups on weekdays.

Problem solved.

If you wind up talking marriage, then the kids will become part of your life too and the division of time is not going to matter as much.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't see a problem at all. First of all see where it all goes. He can have the ex keep the kids on Saturdays, or hire a babysitter if you guys want to eat out or go to a show. He can always change the schedule down the road I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

Somebody keeps reviving old threads. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has a terrible schedule for dating, which I would take to mean he isn't really ready to date/get into a relationship.

OP here. Thank you for understanding my question! I in no way want to reduce his time with his kids and fully accept kids come first. I also won't even be meeting his kids for a long time yet. The custody schedule just makes it really difficult to date.

I previously dated a guy who had one week here, one week there custody and it worked great. This schedule and the constant changes makes it really hard to work with.

OP what is a very long time? I take it he won't introduce you to them unless it becomes serious. Get to know him, but no sex until it's serious...oh I mean when you meet his kids. I'm sure he'll understand that goes both ways!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somebody keeps reviving old threads. Stop.

It's from 2 mo ago silly!! Not OLD.