Having a bad night with the disrespectful teen

[Anonymous]

I do think it's helpful in some ways to refer back to your toddler parenting skills. Experts often advise to keep it simple and use few words with toddlers. You don't get into a long conversation in the heat of the moment about why your 2-year-old shouldn't hit people. You say, "Hitting hurts! No hitting!"

In the heat of the moment, do not engage in a conversation about why flying drones around people is a bad idea. You know it's a bad idea, full stop. You don't need to explain. You just need him to stop doing it right now and to not do it again. "Hey! That's not safe. Put the drone away, now." End of discussion. Walk away.

Later, during a calmer moment, you can (and should) explain, briefly, why this is dangerous, and you can also add something like, "If I see that again, I will take the drone out of commission" or whatever. But don't engage in bullshit. If he wants to argue that it's okay to fly a drone through a group of people, stop the nonsense with something along the lines of: "If you can't operate the drone safely, I can't allow you to use it at all." Because, really, there are only two possible scenarios here. Either he knows it's not safe and he's just being a PITA. Or he really doesn't understand that it's not safe, in which case you really can't allow him to operate the drone. Those are the only choices.

[Anonymous]

OP, you did fine. I hate to tell you but things are going to get worse, way worse. You will get through it though. I am hoping that you can let it roll off you. Good Luck!

-mom of 17 and 15 year olds

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think it's helpful in some ways to refer back to your toddler parenting skills. Experts often advise to keep it simple and use few words with toddlers. You don't get into a long conversation in the heat of the moment about why your 2-year-old shouldn't hit people. You say, "Hitting hurts! No hitting!"

In the heat of the moment, do not engage in a conversation about why flying drones around people is a bad idea. You know it's a bad idea, full stop. You don't need to explain. You just need him to stop doing it right now and to not do it again. "Hey! That's not safe. Put the drone away, now." End of discussion. Walk away.

Later, during a calmer moment, you can (and should) explain, briefly, why this is dangerous, and you can also add something like, "If I see that again, I will take the drone out of commission" or whatever. But don't engage in bullshit. If he wants to argue that it's okay to fly a drone through a group of people, stop the nonsense with something along the lines of: "If you can't operate the drone safely, I can't allow you to use it at all." Because, really, there are only two possible scenarios here. Either he knows it's not safe and he's just being a PITA. Or he really doesn't understand that it's not safe, in which case you really can't allow him to operate the drone. Those are the only choices.

Exactly. His job is to bring the bullshit. Your job is to be a steady presence that refuses delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you were pushing too far. Taking away the drone or sending the friend home or sending yours inside - each ONE of those would have been enough. I like to let my kid vent, because my parents never allowed me to express anger in any way. Couldn't yell, couldn't talk back (even when they were wrong), couldn't stamp my feet going up to my room, couldn't slam my door closed.

So I stop the immediate behavior that's a problem, she vents, I let her, and when we've all calmed down, THEN we talk. But I wait for HER to calm down too.

Umm, NO to any of these. Good for your parents. It's OK to be angry and express anger but what you are not going to do is disrespect me while doing it. My kid can go in their room and scream into their pillow, put on headphones and listen to music, punch a punching bag, go outside and run around the block, etc. - these are acceptable ways to express anger. Not by stomping off, slamming doors and yelling/talking back to me. Nope, you're allowing your kid to disrespect you and not teaching him/her better techniques to deal with anger.

We'll have to agree to disagree. I was told to punch my pillow, and I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough at that. If my parents were standing over me, physically intimidating me, screaming at me about something my brother did, damn straight I wanted to yell back. Because they sure as shit weren't listening if I calmly and quietly said "Mark did that; not me."

My DD is an absurdly reasonable 14 yr old. So damn straight I am going to let it go if she slams her bedroom door shut once a month, or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The response I got from grounding him was, "So, I don't care." Oh, yes, I played back to the video to him. Again...."so"

"Oh, you don't care about me taking away your X? Great. You lose your Y as well."
and if I get attitude about that, it would go to Z, etc.

No to this. It’s just a stupid power struggle. When your teen says,”I don’t care that you took X,” just walk away. Do not take the bait and engage. Do not give the “attitude” an audience. You’ve taken X away. No need to keep escalating because your teen “doesn’t care.” I just respond with a flat “Okay,” and walk away.
Now if my teen escalated to name calling or being outright disrespectful, then there’s a consequence for that behavior. But “I don’t care” is not worth escalating.

—mom of a 16 year old ds & 13 year old dd

I completely agree. I don't need my teens to 'care'.

Yep. Point out the problem, apply the consequence, walk away from the bullshit. Do not engage.
--mom of 19 and 14-year-old DSs

Agreed! No essays, etc.

- Mom of a 26 and 16 year old. 26 year old couldn't control his mouth if his life depended on it as a teenager.

Walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you were pushing too far. Taking away the drone or sending the friend home or sending yours inside - each ONE of those would have been enough. I like to let my kid vent, because my parents never allowed me to express anger in any way. Couldn't yell, couldn't talk back (even when they were wrong), couldn't stamp my feet going up to my room, couldn't slam my door closed.

So I stop the immediate behavior that's a problem, she vents, I let her, and when we've all calmed down, THEN we talk. But I wait for HER to calm down too.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
godddddddddddddddddd
I wish I was better at that...it works
ugh
I react too easily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make him watch the footage. I was a disrespectful teen but having to actually play back some of the garbage I pulled would give me white hot shame.

+1