Having a bad night with the disrespectful teen

[Anonymous]

You refer to your son as “the disrespectful teen”. I wonder why he doesn’t respect you.

[Anonymous]

So I don't understand how you are also recording him. Am I correct that he mocked you while alone in his room?

I certainly agree teens are awful, but you need a better strategy next time. Don't yell at your kid in front of his friends. There is just no way to win under those circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need so much validation?

You grounded him and you expect him to say, "thanks mom for your great parenting, this grounding will surely teach me to be more respectful."

You have a security camera watching him?

Girlfriend... you need to put your big girl pants on.

Make a rule, stick to it, punish if necessary and then go watch TV or read a magazine or a book.

Also, stop the arguing with your teen what are you 16 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The response I got from grounding him was, "So, I don't care." Oh, yes, I played back to the video to him. Again...."so"

"Oh, you don't care about me taking away your X? Great. You lose your Y as well."
and if I get attitude about that, it would go to Z, etc.

No to this. It’s just a stupid power struggle. When your teen says,”I don’t care that you took X,” just walk away. Do not take the bait and engage. Do not give the “attitude” an audience. You’ve taken X away. No need to keep escalating because your teen “doesn’t care.” I just respond with a flat “Okay,” and walk away.
Now if my teen escalated to name calling or being outright disrespectful, then there’s a consequence for that behavior. But “I don’t care” is not worth escalating.

—mom of a 16 year old ds & 13 year old dd

I completely agree. I don't need my teens to 'care'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you were pushing too far. Taking away the drone or sending the friend home or sending yours inside - each ONE of those would have been enough. I like to let my kid vent, because my parents never allowed me to express anger in any way. Couldn't yell, couldn't talk back (even when they were wrong), couldn't stamp my feet going up to my room, couldn't slam my door closed.

So I stop the immediate behavior that's a problem, she vents, I let her, and when we've all calmed down, THEN we talk. But I wait for HER to calm down too.

Umm, NO to any of these. Good for your parents. It's OK to be angry and express anger but what you are not going to do is disrespect me while doing it. My kid can go in their room and scream into their pillow, put on headphones and listen to music, punch a punching bag, go outside and run around the block, etc. - these are acceptable ways to express anger. Not by stomping off, slamming doors and yelling/talking back to me. Nope, you're allowing your kid to disrespect you and not teaching him/her better techniques to deal with anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The response I got from grounding him was, "So, I don't care." Oh, yes, I played back to the video to him. Again...."so"

"Oh, you don't care about me taking away your X? Great. You lose your Y as well."
and if I get attitude about that, it would go to Z, etc.

No to this. It’s just a stupid power struggle. When your teen says,”I don’t care that you took X,” just walk away. Do not take the bait and engage. Do not give the “attitude” an audience. You’ve taken X away. No need to keep escalating because your teen “doesn’t care.” I just respond with a flat “Okay,” and walk away.
Now if my teen escalated to name calling or being outright disrespectful, then there’s a consequence for that behavior. But “I don’t care” is not worth escalating.

—mom of a 16 year old ds & 13 year old dd

+1 and I've learned this the hard way. "I don't care" is just an attempt to save face.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm totally on your side and amazed by some of the reactions here. Maybe they didn't read carefully. OP said she asked the friend to stop flying a drone unsafely and the KID started yelling, etc.

In my book, OP acted reasonably by telling the drone-flier to stop. Kid made a spectacle and showed enormous disrespect. And OP punished. From what she wrote, OP handled it perfectly.

OP, give it a couple of days til he's cooled off and maybe talk with him again about why you punished. I agree with a PP that he probably knows it and is acting out, but emphasis wouldn't be bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all -

I'm having a bad night dealing with my disrespectful teen. I grounded him for yelling at me after I told one his friends to stop flying a drone through a group of small kids and close to people's faces. My son just couldn't understand why that would be wrong. I got oh my god over and over and door slamming. I then took his phone and iPad away. Also no playing with friends tomorrow. I later saw on our security cam he was mocking me as soon as I walked inside. Sighs...I'm nearly in tears here. I tried to explain to him again later why he was grounded. All he thinks is this is about his friend which isn't the case, it's about his attitude and disrespect towards me. I'm just sad... parenting is so damn hard sometimes.

Just keep loving him back. Kristina Kuzmic made a nice little video with thoughts on it. I liked what she said about teenagers get into these angry moods and they want to bring you down with them.

That is so true. Keep your head up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you over- reacted. He was probably embarrassed in front of his friend. I would’ve talked to him about it later explained you were concerned about safety but you also understand that likely embarrassed him. I would state that he can be mad at you but he can’t be disrespectful.

You embarrassed him in front of his friends. In teenage boy world, that is pretty much the worst thing you could have done.

NP. Jesus, who cares? Parents do not have to conform their behavior/parenting techniques to the extremely oversensitive emotional vagaries of teenagers. Flying a drone close to strangers' faces is not acceptable behavior. His supposed inability to understand that is either utter nonsense or he is an antisocial imbecile. He is behaving childishly and could have avoided a loss of face - if this is really such a concern - by not being such a baby about the whole thing.

NP. You are missing the point. What OP is experiencing is a communication problem with her teen. They each are reacting to two totally different things that happened at the same time (and teen obviously is having trouble expressing it). When she realizes this, it will help her calm down and understand her teen better, which will allow her to not throw fuel on the fire, which she has done at least twice in this scenario already. The point is not that she should change how she handled the incident, but that she understand his reaction, so she isn't so stressed about it that she is nearly in tears herself.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't engage. Read, "yes, your teen is crazy," and it will give you tools to just walk away. Teens are difficult, it is so true, but once I started using tips from the book, it was so much easier when I would just shrug so much off, and both my teens would actually get mad that I am not getting mad! My DD even told me to stop having that weird amused look! I think having a recording of what he said not to you, about you, it is just like living in Hunger Games at all times. That just seems too much, you need to accept that your teen will gossip you, talk bad about you behind your back, they all do to their friends. That is normal part of growing up and you filming every moment of his private conversation is just too intrusive.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous poster who said your son knows that yelling at you publicly is unacceptable and is just lashing out, whether out of defiance or embarrassment. But he knows.

I don't think you need him to write an essay about drone safety unless he uses the drone and has done this himself while using it. Don't blame him for his friend's behavior. A simple talk is sufficient.

I don't agree that you are in the right to get upset by the security camera footage. He should be allowed to be angry and express his feelings when he is away from you. The camera footage to me is an invasion of his privacy and I would let that go.

[Anonymous]

OP, one of the most useful things that I read about parenting teens suggested that it's their job to push boundaries... i.e. their job at that stage is to grow up and get ready for independence, and part of that is pushing boundaries, including trying to manipulate parents into arguments to deflect actual parenting. That's OK and normal, so no need to be upset by it.

It's your job to be an adult (easier said that done, at least for me) and not let any of that nonsense work. Kids will try very, very hard to turn any "misbehaving kid being disciplined by a calm adult" situation into an "angry people yelling at each other" situation because that is better for them. Don't let them do it. Impose reasonable consequences and move on. Ignore faces made behind your back. Impose consequences for disrespectful behavior in your presence, but you also can't mock or be sarcastic. Explain once ("flying the drone like that was dangerous") but don't dignify attempts to argue or request further explanation with a response. You can just say "Asked and answered, move on."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you over- reacted. He was probably embarrassed in front of his friend. I would’ve talked to him about it later explained you were concerned about safety but you also understand that likely embarrassed him. I would state that he can be mad at you but he can’t be disrespectful.

You embarrassed him in front of his friends. In teenage boy world, that is pretty much the worst thing you could have done.

Good. Maybe he’ll learn his lesson not to act like a little sh*t in front of his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grounding him, taking away iPad , phone etc is pretty extreme and you’re not really getting to the root of the issue.

Not extreme in the least. Just hang on. Your child is rebelling, which is normal. You are disciplining him when his behavior endangers or disrespects others, which is good. Give him jobs while he's grounded. He will grouse but may take pride in actually accomplishing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The response I got from grounding him was, "So, I don't care." Oh, yes, I played back to the video to him. Again...."so"

"Oh, you don't care about me taking away your X? Great. You lose your Y as well."
and if I get attitude about that, it would go to Z, etc.

No to this. It’s just a stupid power struggle. When your teen says,”I don’t care that you took X,” just walk away. Do not take the bait and engage. Do not give the “attitude” an audience. You’ve taken X away. No need to keep escalating because your teen “doesn’t care.” I just respond with a flat “Okay,” and walk away.
Now if my teen escalated to name calling or being outright disrespectful, then there’s a consequence for that behavior. But “I don’t care” is not worth escalating.

—mom of a 16 year old ds & 13 year old dd

I completely agree. I don't need my teens to 'care'.

Yep. Point out the problem, apply the consequence, walk away from the bullshit. Do not engage.
--mom of 19 and 14-year-old DSs