No passion or romantic feelings for spouse

[Anonymous]

I hear exactly what you're saying but there is no way in hell I will exchange passion for becoming a part-time weekend parent to my children.

Monogamy is so crushing

[Anonymous]

It's just the way it is for a lot of people throughout human history, OP. Except like others have said, you are lucky because he does care about you and try and is a good husband and your friend and there is platonic love. He has a job and you have healthy children, food to eat, a home, and friendship. Of course, there was the vow you took.

Are you seriously going to blow it all up for some passion? That would be quite horrible of you.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post. It is exactly how I described DH to my therapist. One difference is that we were once very sexually compatible, but ever since having kids, our sex life has been on a rapid decline. We are currently working to save our marriage because the grass isn't always greener, and neither of us is interested in being a part-time parent. While our emotional connection is currently more in the friendship realm, there is something to be said for stability. My DH is an amazing, involved, and very hands-on dad, and he takes great care of the kids and me. The desire to runaway is on my end and frankly stems from a lot of deep issues connected to childhood trauma, etc. I've committed to working on myself (as well as my marriage) because I know that if I don't figure my stuff out and I divorce my stable, reliable husband, all of the same issues will resurface in my next relationship and I'll find myself in the same situation (or possibly worse because I don't think I'll ever find someone as devoted as my DH is to my kids and me.).

[Anonymous]

Listen to this podcast! A stable and reliable husband, though nice destroys passion.

https://mobile.audible.com/socialshare?id=ad456fa3-df2f-46a1-8a13-7e5043a73ac1&source_code=CHLGBWS0603160002

[Anonymous]

Is it my imagination, or is it more common for wives to view their husbands platonically than the reverse?

We see men cheating on their wives. And we see men who dislike their wives and no longer find them attractive. But, I feel like a rarely see men saying that they feel friendly toward their wife but would like to seek passion elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it my imagination, or is it more common for wives to view their husbands platonically than the reverse?

We see men cheating on their wives. And we see men who dislike their wives and no longer find them attractive. But, I feel like a rarely see men saying that they feel friendly toward their wife but would like to seek passion elsewhere.

I agree with this assessment. Even the asshole husbands who cheat seem to like their wives. But the asshole wives who cheat really don't like their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it my imagination, or is it more common for wives to view their husbands platonically than the reverse?

We see men cheating on their wives. And we see men who dislike their wives and no longer find them attractive. But, I feel like a rarely see men saying that they feel friendly toward their wife but would like to seek passion elsewhere.

I agree with this assessment. Even the asshole husbands who cheat seem to like their wives. But the asshole wives who cheat really don't like their husbands.

This is a fair statement. I also think its a preimenopause thing. Most of my female friends in their 40s hate their husbands and generally hate their lives and even if it's not that extreme, they definitely hate having sex with their DH who is now squarely in the friend zone. I think it's all hormonal. Then throw in a toddler or baby into one of these preimenopausal womans life and the husband should just run for cover because that is one miserable wife he'll have on his hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it my imagination, or is it more common for wives to view their husbands platonically than the reverse?

We see men cheating on their wives. And we see men who dislike their wives and no longer find them attractive. But, I feel like a rarely see men saying that they feel friendly toward their wife but would like to seek passion elsewhere.

My husband could have written OP's post, except we don't have kids. We are in counseling now about it and I see these kinds of posts all the time on DCUM, but the responses are always split between "normal" or "leave asap", but wonder if the responses would be different if the post came from a man.

[Anonymous]

I divorced my ex-husband for this reason. We mutually agreed that we work better as friends, and we do. We're best friends, my husband now is amazing, and after more than 8 years (the same amount of time that I was married to my ex) I still love him deeply. Sometimes you're meant to be with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear exactly what you're saying but there is no way in hell I will exchange passion for becoming a part-time weekend parent to my children.

Monogamy is so crushing

Am I the only jerk who thinks part-time parenting would be a relief?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my ex-husband for this reason. We mutually agreed that we work better as friends, and we do. We're best friends, my husband now is amazing, and after more than 8 years (the same amount of time that I was married to my ex) I still love him deeply. Sometimes you're meant to be with someone else.

Soul mate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear exactly what you're saying but there is no way in hell I will exchange passion for becoming a part-time weekend parent to my children.

Monogamy is so crushing

Am I the only jerk who thinks part-time parenting would be a relief?

No. I think it sounds great. Not sure it'd be great for my kid, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear exactly what you're saying but there is no way in hell I will exchange passion for becoming a part-time weekend parent to my children.

Monogamy is so crushing

Am I the only jerk who thinks part-time parenting would be a relief?

That would awful. I work FT and even when I get stuck at the office late, I feel awful. I really do enjoy my children. Could not imagine having small children and not spending Christmas morning with them, possibly not walking them to their first day of school, and not tucking them in each night. They are only young for such a short period of time, I'm soaking in every moment I can. I have to say, without a doubt I love being a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post. It is exactly how I described DH to my therapist. One difference is that we were once very sexually compatible, but ever since having kids, our sex life has been on a rapid decline. We are currently working to save our marriage because the grass isn't always greener, and neither of us is interested in being a part-time parent. While our emotional connection is currently more in the friendship realm, there is something to be said for stability. My DH is an amazing, involved, and very hands-on dad, and he takes great care of the kids and me. The desire to runaway is on my end and frankly stems from a lot of deep issues connected to childhood trauma, etc. I've committed to working on myself (as well as my marriage) because I know that if I don't figure my stuff out and I divorce my stable, reliable husband, all of the same issues will resurface in my next relationship and I'll find myself in the same situation (or possibly worse because I don't think I'll ever find someone as devoted as my DH is to my kids and me.).

I wish I could meet you for a drink and a conversation, PP. I feel very much in the same position as you. Except that we weren't that sexually compatible to begin with. I think you are spot-on to observe that when people blame everything on their spouse, they are likely to have the same issues arise in their next relationship.