No passion or romantic feelings for spouse

[Anonymous]

To those vilifying Op, I'd like to know if you are in a platonic, heading towards sexless marriage? If you aren't, you aren't qualified to provide an opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me exactly. Divorced. We didn’t have kids. I’m in a long term relationship now (longer than I was married) and couldn’t be happier and more in love.

Important factor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me exactly. Divorced. We didn’t have kids. I’m in a long term relationship now (longer than I was married) and couldn’t be happier and more in love.

Important factor.

Precisely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before I am crucified, let me say that I have tried! We have been to counseling, I've thrown everything into the marriage, tried faking until I make it, but it seems like I am trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. Nothing I have done has made me think of my spouse as anything but a friend. I do not enjoy sex and I don't enjoy kissing. We have kids and we are friends, which is what is keeping me for now. But I'm 38, I want to enjoy sex and have a romantic connection with someone. Anyone else in the same position? Any last ditch advice for bringing back feelings, or did you divorce?

DH here: you are clearly in a tough situation. IMO you need to have a very honest conversation with him about this. I've been on the other side of this and can tell you he is probably frantic about how to make your relationship more sexual and is wondering why nothing he does works. If nothing ever will, you should be honest about that.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I sort of feel the same way, except I really think that if my husband would change some of his behavior, I would feel more attracted to him physically. He is a good guy, and he is a friend, but he isn't doing as much for the kids as I feel he should, and it makes me feel resentful, and that in turn makes me feel unattracted to him. Anything like that going on with you, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you “settled” for a guy you weren’t in love with, who was a good friend but not a romantic or sexual partner. Was this because you were ready to settle down and have kids? It was time?

If so, and if there never was a spark between you, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to create one. If you once had a romantic connection, however, then it can be rekindled.

This is why it’s never wise to settle (and there are threads about this right now so it’s timely). It’s not fair to you, but it’s also not fair to your partner, who deserves to be loved.

Is he a good companion, OP? Do you enjoy his company and feel at least an intellectual spark, or a friendship spark? Is your DH aware that you feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you pinpoint a time where things shifted? If so, what happened? Are you both committed to making this work? How does your DH feel?

Unfortunately our sexual connection was never that great and it has been going downhill for years. The romantic connection, which I think is seperate, also was not incredibly strong, but was killed over a period of time, starting 5 or so years ago when each of us got wrapped up in our own lives and started resenting each other. Obviously that is something we have worked on in therapy, I've tried to fake it, etc. it's not coming back.

My spouse has much stronger feelings for me, I believe and would be crushed by a break up. Another thing keeping me. I love my spouse, just like a friend or sibling. I am wracked with guilt.

Let's see: you married the safe/nice guy who is a good provider but you were never really attracted to him sexually or romantically. And now you are surprised to find yourself in a passionless marriage?

Just to complete the cliche: who is the new guy in your life that is now giving you the hots?

[Anonymous]

OP: Maybe your DH feels the same way? Have you discussed an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you pinpoint a time where things shifted? If so, what happened? Are you both committed to making this work? How does your DH feel?

Unfortunately our sexual connection was never that great and it has been going downhill for years. The romantic connection, which I think is seperate, also was not incredibly strong, but was killed over a period of time, starting 5 or so years ago when each of us got wrapped up in our own lives and started resenting each other. Obviously that is something we have worked on in therapy, I've tried to fake it, etc. it's not coming back.

My spouse has much stronger feelings for me, I believe and would be crushed by a break up. Another thing keeping me. I love my spouse, just like a friend or sibling. I am wracked with guilt.

Let's see: you married the safe/nice guy who is a good provider but you were never really attracted to him sexually or romantically. And now you are surprised to find yourself in a passionless marriage?

Just to complete the cliche: who is the new guy in your life that is now giving you the hots?

Chad Thundercock. From Sales.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you pinpoint a time where things shifted? If so, what happened? Are you both committed to making this work? How does your DH feel?

Unfortunately our sexual connection was never that great and it has been going downhill for years. The romantic connection, which I think is seperate, also was not incredibly strong, but was killed over a period of time, starting 5 or so years ago when each of us got wrapped up in our own lives and started resenting each other. Obviously that is something we have worked on in therapy, I've tried to fake it, etc. it's not coming back.

My spouse has much stronger feelings for me, I believe and would be crushed by a break up. Another thing keeping me. I love my spouse, just like a friend or sibling. I am wracked with guilt.

I am in the exact same situation. But I am not considering divorce due to kids. It is frustrating because DH was the one pushing for kids. I think we'd be over if it weren't for them.

[Anonymous]

My spouse has much stronger feelings for me, I believe and would be crushed by a break up. Another thing keeping me. I love my spouse, just like a friend or sibling. I am wracked with guilt.

Why do you believe he has much stronger feelings? It is very likely he would be just fine with the divorce (given a little time) and would land in dating market on both feet.

Free your mind about the guilt. Are you good with him getting remarried? Do not give us the "I just want him to happy and his new wife to be good to my kids" crap. Have you really thought about what happens when he finds someone new, falls in love, and gets married? He may be much happier with his new wife and it is possible he finds someone before you do.

Often, the spouse who thinks they are doing their DH/DW a "favor" by staying in the marriage is unpleasantly suprised when their former DH/DW finds happiness with someone else and they are hanging out at Clyde's looking for love.

[Anonymous]

Grass isn't always greener.

Think about trying to date as a divorced parent. Think about being able to trust other divorced or never married guys...most of whom have zero interest in a committed relationship.

Think about celebrating Christmas alone while your kids are with their dad and his new GF or wife...who is younger and prettier and adored by the kids and the inlaws.

You sound bored. What have you done to jazz things up a bit? If there's something specific you want your husband to do, then tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you pinpoint a time where things shifted? If so, what happened? Are you both committed to making this work? How does your DH feel?

Unfortunately our sexual connection was never that great and it has been going downhill for years. The romantic connection, which I think is seperate, also was not incredibly strong, but was killed over a period of time, starting 5 or so years ago when each of us got wrapped up in our own lives and started resenting each other. Obviously that is something we have worked on in therapy, I've tried to fake it, etc. it's not coming back.

My spouse has much stronger feelings for me, I believe and would be crushed by a break up. Another thing keeping me. I love my spouse, just like a friend or sibling. I am wracked with guilt.

Yes. Same. Except the guilt part.

I'm also not staying for the money (equal earners), but to have a good life with the kids. I think, yes, I didn't realize that there was much much more to be had in a sexual relationship. And we are used up. Or romantic connection is nil.

And yes, at have sex. And I'm not gay or fat. 9

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don't want to be married anymore. If you love your spouse (even if its not romantic) and love your kid and family, it is probably worth at least trying to stay together.

Spouse and I don't have a lot of romantic love anymore. We have kids, jobs, and a lot of our own interests, and that's ok. We're both happy, kids are happy. It is just our phase of life. When we go out to dinner together we don't really have much to talk about, so we sometimes just sit companionably and watch the football games on the big screens or chat about the weather. For some, this sounds sad, but for us, it works.

[Anonymous]

It's a shame for the loving spouse of these couples. To have important chunks of their lives wasted just because they happened to be convenient.