Family drama and I don't know what to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're not as sane and drama free as you think you are. You're writing like a child holding their breath and stomping their feet.

You're interpreting that way, so that's on you.

I'm interpreting it that way too.

Only in that she's getting pissed off at posters who are genuinely trying to help. I'm less inclined to contribute when
OP is responding with things like, "which part don't you understand?".

Deep breaths, OP.

Correction - it was where she asked, "did you miss the part where I said xyz?". That's rather snarky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Having been in tense family relationships where I'm the one living overseas, I understand your position, OP.

First, you need to call and hear their voices to really get a feel for the situation. Call your mother. She's doing you a favor by telling you to go to a hotel.

If you want to hear the scoop from the others, call the others too. Don't rely on one source of info in that kind of situation!

You will get nothing from texts and emails.

Thanks for your reply. Do you feel better being overseas (or did you if you aren't any longer)? I feel in a sense more "free" of the family drama when I'm literally on another continent. My family isn't the type to phone. My mom has taken to texting like it's her preferred method of communication if it's face to face. That's the only way to talk these days unless I'm in town.

I came here to the US to get away from my mother. The Atlantic didn't seem to much of a separation from her particular brand of control-freakiness. And then I found many other reasons to stay, so here I still am, with husband and house and kids

I have a wonderful relationship with my parents on the phone. I like to hear their voices as they like to hear mine. I can hide all manner of things from her on the phone, but still connect with her. She wouldn't know how to text anyway!
But as soon as we get together, I can only survive for 2 weeks max. She's so desperately in people's business, anxious, stressed out and self-centered that she's driven away everybody except my father, goodness knows how he takes it.

I understand from all you've said that she might be a very difficult grandparent indeed, even more so if the mother is not quite there herself and has difficulty with impulse and emotion. Not a good match.
And please don't project your foster experience onto these kids. They're not living the same thing - it might be difficult, but not in quite that way.

I'm not projecting. I work with kids for a living. It's not healthy for any child to be put in a situation where a parent is making them anxious about another adult who is coming to visit. The kid wanted to run away and was saying he was scared. If you issues with an in-law, it's really inappropriate to make your kids "afraid" of that person. By the way, they are living under my mom's roof now. My mom is taking care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're not as sane and drama free as you think you are. You're writing like a child holding their breath and stomping their feet.

You're interpreting that way, so that's on you.

I'm interpreting it that way too.

Only in that she's getting pissed off at posters who are genuinely trying to help. I'm less inclined to contribute when
OP is responding with things like, "which part don't you understand?".

Deep breaths, OP.

Where did I say "which part don't you understand?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a chance to find out everything that's happening with your bro (via the emails from your sister in law) but you decided to "stay out of the drama". Everyone has accommodated your desire to stay out of it all. So you can't come in now and be all nosy and wondering what's up. Whether they're getting divorced isn't really your business.

And it may very well be that they don't like you, since maybe they reached out thinking that you'd be there for them emotionally and instead you showed them that you don't care about them. And maybe your mom is trying to not let you into the mix when she knows that it will just create more tension. Maybe your mom is looking out for the kids. Maybe the wife has medical issues. Who knows...

I think you should simply ask to spend some time with your mom away from the drama. Just text her back and say that it sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on over there, thanks for leaving you out of it like you requested, you'd really like to see her though since it might be your last chance for several years, you propose she meets you at X place at Y time, would that work for her?

You are mistaken. I ignored her emails because she has mental issues. She called her own husband stupid and useless and called my parents every name in the book. I don't want to find out anything from her. She is crazed.

One thing I don't think some people understand is that it's F*CKING stressful packing for another country. I have to come home, do my visa, pack and repack things in a storage unit and then leave. All after a 16 hour flight from where I'm at now. And won't be back in the country for a long time after this. No, not everyone has "accommodated" my desire to stay out of it all. I didn't appreciate his wife sending me those shitty emails. I didn't want to have to tell my parents about that email. I would have rather known nothing. And then my mom forced me to show her the actual email. I feel like I've been put in the middle of it and for some reason my stepbrother and his kids can take up an entire 8 bedroom house while I stay in a hotel - after he has treated my parents like crap for years.

Of course it's stressful to pack and unpack a storage unit while getting ready to leave for another country. But you know that your stepbrother's life is in tremendous turmoil now, you know that he has young kids staying in your parents' house and you know that your SIL is mentally/emotionally off her rocker. If you don't want to add more to your own stress then go to the hotel like your mother has suggested.

You have to realize that your family members are under some pretty intense stress, too. You can't wave a magic wand and make everyone happy. Try to figure out what kind of help (if any) you would like to ask for from your parents with regards to move logistics and see if they can figure out a way to help you. But do plan to stay in a hotel. Do try to have a nice visit out with them before you leave and do everything you can to leave on a good terms with them (I'm sure they will miss you!). You will be gone for several years, a lot will happen during that time. Your life will change in wonderful and unexpected ways and their lives will no doubt change, too. Do not get caught up in your stepbrother's sad divorce drama, that is not something that you can do anything about.

I understand. I have already been gone for 6 months. There's also little things like needing a printer, etc for doing all the visa stuff. My mom has 8 bedrooms in her house. You could literally be in a totally separate part of the house and never see the other people. I do not know if they're getting a divorce at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do see what you mean. The thing is, I get the feeling maybe she doesn't want me there. This is all through text so I only have that to go off of. It's such a weird situation because my mom and stepdad haven't been allowed to see my stepbrother's kids at all (they were living across the country about as far as you could get). My stepbrother and his wife completely snubbed my parents. His wife HATES my parents - and now her kids are living in their house. It's completely bizarre. I'm a little shocked but also don't want anything to do with it. I feel like I can't live on the same continent as my family. It's just constant drama and stress. Maybe my mom is trying not to expose me to it but it kinda feels like she doesn't care or give a crap. I'm really not sure what is going on, but if his wife is coming to pick the kids up, then that's a toxic situation.

So stop making assumptions. Jesus, half the problems in this world would go away if people would just communicate with each other.

[Anonymous]

Why did you forward that email to your mom? You created that drama....just own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for the replies. It feels good just to be understood because I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel that from anyone, so thank you!

Well, one tidbit I didn't put in my OP is that a little over a month ago or two months I got an email from stepbrother's wife where she ranted that my parents were coming to visit and she was angry and pissed off and said she was seething with rage, called my stepbrother stupid and useless abou talking about it, and said one of their kids was scared and stressed that my parents were coming to visit (my mom and stepdad are fabulous grandparents, so that is just absurd and it was clear to me that his wife was feeding their kids a bunch of BS and it isn't good for the kids).

I did not reply. I told my mom because she has a right to know when they show up and the kids are acting standoffish and weird.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I'm worried my mom actually told them that I showed her the email. My mom wanted to see the email. It started off with me just telling her what was said, but then she basically demanded to see the email. It wasn't easy for me to come to her with that information. I genuinely don't want to be involved, but I also feel it's wrong to feed a child a bunch of information like that and make him afraid of his own grandparents (they desperately wanted a relationship with the kids)...

So yeah, I'm afraid my mom told them I sent the email to her or she heard from me and she doesn't want some sort of confrontation. I didn't want to be involved, but I also didn't know what else to do but to tell my mom.

Own your choices. You made an assumption that your SIL was telling her kids a "bunch of BS." You then told your mom, and now you blame her for making you show her the email. Your mom didn't make you do anything. You chose to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you forward that email to your mom? You created that drama....just own it.

I didnt create anything. Don't shoot the messenger, ever heard that phrase?

I didn't want to be involved. I explained why in a previous email. I couldn't tell my mom no when she asked. I wish she wouldn't have asked and in the future I wouldn't repeat the same actions - I would just not say anything.

But there were some key parts of that email that sent off red flags to me. it was more than a rant. She is crazed and has mental health issues. It isn't good for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a chance to find out everything that's happening with your bro (via the emails from your sister in law) but you decided to "stay out of the drama". Everyone has accommodated your desire to stay out of it all. So you can't come in now and be all nosy and wondering what's up. Whether they're getting divorced isn't really your business.

And it may very well be that they don't like you, since maybe they reached out thinking that you'd be there for them emotionally and instead you showed them that you don't care about them. And maybe your mom is trying to not let you into the mix when she knows that it will just create more tension. Maybe your mom is looking out for the kids. Maybe the wife has medical issues. Who knows...

I think you should simply ask to spend some time with your mom away from the drama. Just text her back and say that it sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on over there, thanks for leaving you out of it like you requested, you'd really like to see her though since it might be your last chance for several years, you propose she meets you at X place at Y time, would that work for her?

You are mistaken. I ignored her emails because she has mental issues. She called her own husband stupid and useless and called my parents every name in the book. I don't want to find out anything from her. She is crazed.

One thing I don't think some people understand is that it's F*CKING stressful packing for another country. I have to come home, do my visa, pack and repack things in a storage unit and then leave. All after a 16 hour flight from where I'm at now. And won't be back in the country for a long time after this. No, not everyone has "accommodated" my desire to stay out of it all. I didn't appreciate his wife sending me those shitty emails. I didn't want to have to tell my parents about that email. I would have rather known nothing. And then my mom forced me to show her the actual email. I feel like I've been put in the middle of it and for some reason my stepbrother and his kids can take up an entire 8 bedroom house while I stay in a hotel - after he has treated my parents like crap for years.

Of course it's stressful to pack and unpack a storage unit while getting ready to leave for another country. But you know that your stepbrother's life is in tremendous turmoil now, you know that he has young kids staying in your parents' house and you know that your SIL is mentally/emotionally off her rocker. If you don't want to add more to your own stress then go to the hotel like your mother has suggested.

You have to realize that your family members are under some pretty intense stress, too. You can't wave a magic wand and make everyone happy. Try to figure out what kind of help (if any) you would like to ask for from your parents with regards to move logistics and see if they can figure out a way to help you. But do plan to stay in a hotel. Do try to have a nice visit out with them before you leave and do everything you can to leave on a good terms with them (I'm sure they will miss you!). You will be gone for several years, a lot will happen during that time. Your life will change in wonderful and unexpected ways and their lives will no doubt change, too. Do not get caught up in your stepbrother's sad divorce drama, that is not something that you can do anything about.

I understand. I have already been gone for 6 months. There's also little things like needing a printer, etc for doing all the visa stuff. My mom has 8 bedrooms in her house. You could literally be in a totally separate part of the house and never see the other people. I do not know if they're getting a divorce at all.

Well, it's your mom's house and she is telling you in no uncertain terms to stay in a hotel. So stay in a hotel and ask your mom if you could possibly drop by to use her printer or whatever. Or find a UPS store and use their printer. Or use the hotel's printer for that matter - most hotels are more than accommodating when it comes to things like that.

Bottom line is you do not need to stay in your parents' house. You can still have a nice visit with them before you leave.

[Anonymous]

1. You should not have told your mother anything your sister in law told you. This isn't about shooting the messenger, it's about not creating more drama. Your idea that it's better for the kids is simply not true (I know you work with kids - that doesn't make you an expert).

2. You should plan your trip as if no one is going to help you. Figure out your printer needs, the nearest Kinko's, whatever.

3. You should expect everyone to dump their stress on you, since they're so selfish and crazy. Go in mentally prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you forward that email to your mom? You created that drama....just own it.

I didnt create anything. Don't shoot the messenger, ever heard that phrase?

I didn't want to be involved. I explained why in a previous email. I couldn't tell my mom no when she asked. I wish she wouldn't have asked and in the future I wouldn't repeat the same actions - I would just not say anything.

But there were some key parts of that email that sent off red flags to me. it was more than a rant. She is crazed and has mental health issues. It isn't good for the kids.

Funny you haven't said that before... and unless your mom is a psychologist or something it still didn't help to mention or forward the email to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're not as sane and drama free as you think you are. You're writing like a child holding their breath and stomping their feet.

You're interpreting that way, so that's on you.

I'm interpreting it that way too.

Me, too. You sound like an immature drama queen, OP. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

She tells me that I should stay in a hotel

This is the important point of your post. She asked you to stay in a hotel. Lots of people ask, or others prefer, to stay in a hotel. Do it without debate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you forward that email to your mom? You created that drama....just own it.

I didnt create anything. Don't shoot the messenger, ever heard that phrase?

I didn't want to be involved. I explained why in a previous email. I couldn't tell my mom no when she asked. I wish she wouldn't have asked and in the future I wouldn't repeat the same actions - I would just not say anything.

But there were some key parts of that email that sent off red flags to me. it was more than a rant. She is crazed and has mental health issues. It isn't good for the kids.

I'm totally sympathetic to your situation. I've been in a similar position with my mother and her DH. But, I have to call you out on the bolded statement. You COULD have said no to your mother. Neither your or your loved ones health, safety or welfare hinged on you giving that email to your mother. You caved to her pressure. You need to own that, figure out why you did and, in the future, recognize when you need to hold back. It would help you better understand how people see her and how they relate to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She cares enough that she told you to stay in a hotel. She doesn't want to subject you to the stress and craziness. She probably wants to come to your hotel with you.

This. You have a really warped view in this OP. Why not stay in a hotel and ask her to come stay for a few nights with you.