Family drama and I don't know what to do

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thank you for the replies. It feels good just to be understood because I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel that from anyone, so thank you!

Well, one tidbit I didn't put in my OP is that a little over a month ago or two months I got an email from stepbrother's wife where she ranted that my parents were coming to visit and she was angry and pissed off and said she was seething with rage, called my stepbrother stupid and useless abou talking about it, and said one of their kids was scared and stressed that my parents were coming to visit (my mom and stepdad are fabulous grandparents, so that is just absurd and it was clear to me that his wife was feeding their kids a bunch of BS and it isn't good for the kids).

I did not reply. I told my mom because she has a right to know when they show up and the kids are acting standoffish and weird.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I'm worried my mom actually told them that I showed her the email. My mom wanted to see the email. It started off with me just telling her what was said, but then she basically demanded to see the email. It wasn't easy for me to come to her with that information. I genuinely don't want to be involved, but I also feel it's wrong to feed a child a bunch of information like that and make him afraid of his own grandparents (they desperately wanted a relationship with the kids)...

So yeah, I'm afraid my mom told them I sent the email to her or she heard from me and she doesn't want some sort of confrontation. I didn't want to be involved, but I also didn't know what else to do but to tell my mom.

[Anonymous]

OP again - i forgot to add that I hadn't talked to his wife in YEARS. So her email to me was really out of the blue.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you invite your mom to stay at the hotel with you? She may want to get out of all the drama too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a chance to find out everything that's happening with your bro (via the emails from your sister in law) but you decided to "stay out of the drama". Everyone has accommodated your desire to stay out of it all. So you can't come in now and be all nosy and wondering what's up. Whether they're getting divorced isn't really your business.

And it may very well be that they don't like you, since maybe they reached out thinking that you'd be there for them emotionally and instead you showed them that you don't care about them. And maybe your mom is trying to not let you into the mix when she knows that it will just create more tension. Maybe your mom is looking out for the kids. Maybe the wife has medical issues. Who knows...

I think you should simply ask to spend some time with your mom away from the drama. Just text her back and say that it sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on over there, thanks for leaving you out of it like you requested, you'd really like to see her though since it might be your last chance for several years, you propose she meets you at X place at Y time, would that work for her?

You are mistaken. I ignored her emails because she has mental issues. She called her own husband stupid and useless and called my parents every name in the book. I don't want to find out anything from her. She is crazed.

One thing I don't think some people understand is that it's F*CKING stressful packing for another country. I have to come home, do my visa, pack and repack things in a storage unit and then leave. All after a 16 hour flight from where I'm at now. And won't be back in the country for a long time after this. No, not everyone has "accommodated" my desire to stay out of it all. I didn't appreciate his wife sending me those shitty emails. I didn't want to have to tell my parents about that email. I would have rather known nothing. And then my mom forced me to show her the actual email. I feel like I've been put in the middle of it and for some reason my stepbrother and his kids can take up an entire 8 bedroom house while I stay in a hotel - after he has treated my parents like crap for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you invite your mom to stay at the hotel with you? She may want to get out of all the drama too.

I know my mom and she will want to be home with the two kids and her dogs. And she never does anything without my stepdad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for the replies. It feels good just to be understood because I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel that from anyone, so thank you!

Well, one tidbit I didn't put in my OP is that a little over a month ago or two months I got an email from stepbrother's wife where she ranted that my parents were coming to visit and she was angry and pissed off and said she was seething with rage, called my stepbrother stupid and useless abou talking about it, and said one of their kids was scared and stressed that my parents were coming to visit (my mom and stepdad are fabulous grandparents, so that is just absurd and it was clear to me that his wife was feeding their kids a bunch of BS and it isn't good for the kids).

I did not reply. I told my mom because she has a right to know when they show up and the kids are acting standoffish and weird.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I'm worried my mom actually told them that I showed her the email. My mom wanted to see the email. It started off with me just telling her what was said, but then she basically demanded to see the email. It wasn't easy for me to come to her with that information. I genuinely don't want to be involved, but I also feel it's wrong to feed a child a bunch of information like that and make him afraid of his own grandparents (they desperately wanted a relationship with the kids)...

So yeah, I'm afraid my mom told them I sent the email to her or she heard from me and she doesn't want some sort of confrontation. I didn't want to be involved, but I also didn't know what else to do but to tell my mom.

Do you have kids, OP?
If not, please don't assume that just because you had a good childhood with your parents, they are good grandparents.
Some things you can only notice when you have your own kids, and start getting criticized on the way you're raising them: the way you're feeding/breastfeeding, putting to sleep, stimulating, daycare/not daycare, working/staying home, teaching manners, babyproofing, new safety rules, choice of schools, ESPECIALLY if you're the daughter-in-law...
I mention this because it's wasn't quite right of your mother to demand the email from you. She sounds a little bit controlling.

Your sister-in-law sounds off her rocker, and your step-brother sounds a little off his rocker, which gives you all the ingredients for a nice juicy family drama - because EVERYONE involved is unreasonable!

So don't make an extra crazy, OP, and try to stay out of it.
Next time, don't share anything with your mother, or anybody else. You'll get sucked in. She's a grown woman and doesn't need to be warned in advance.
Stay neutral, listen, keep advice to a minimum or don't give it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a chance to find out everything that's happening with your bro (via the emails from your sister in law) but you decided to "stay out of the drama". Everyone has accommodated your desire to stay out of it all. So you can't come in now and be all nosy and wondering what's up. Whether they're getting divorced isn't really your business.

And it may very well be that they don't like you, since maybe they reached out thinking that you'd be there for them emotionally and instead you showed them that you don't care about them. And maybe your mom is trying to not let you into the mix when she knows that it will just create more tension. Maybe your mom is looking out for the kids. Maybe the wife has medical issues. Who knows...

I think you should simply ask to spend some time with your mom away from the drama. Just text her back and say that it sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on over there, thanks for leaving you out of it like you requested, you'd really like to see her though since it might be your last chance for several years, you propose she meets you at X place at Y time, would that work for her?

You are mistaken. I ignored her emails because she has mental issues. She called her own husband stupid and useless and called my parents every name in the book. I don't want to find out anything from her. She is crazed.

One thing I don't think some people understand is that it's F*CKING stressful packing for another country. I have to come home, do my visa, pack and repack things in a storage unit and then leave. All after a 16 hour flight from where I'm at now. And won't be back in the country for a long time after this. No, not everyone has "accommodated" my desire to stay out of it all. I didn't appreciate his wife sending me those shitty emails. I didn't want to have to tell my parents about that email. I would have rather known nothing. And then my mom forced me to show her the actual email. I feel like I've been put in the middle of it and for some reason my stepbrother and his kids can take up an entire 8 bedroom house while I stay in a hotel - after he has treated my parents like crap for years.

If you put that, minus the swear words, to your own family, perhaps they will realize that they need to accommodate you further. You are right: people who haven't done through this don't necessarily realize the stress involved.
I've gone through it so I know.

Two things:
1. Nothing can ever be fair in such large and dysfunctional families. Someone will always have more, someone will always have less of the family resources. You can speak up for yourself, because no one will want to guess what your needs are, but if you're not heard, it's no use wringing your hands eternally. Accept it and move on.

2. You really need to work on your sensitivity, anxiety and sense of unfairness. At some point, your life is your responsibility. You're on your own and can't expect people to help (it's nice when they do!).

[Anonymous]

Op, you're not as sane and drama free as you think you are. You're writing like a child holding their breath and stomping their feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for the replies. It feels good just to be understood because I'm at a place in my life where I don't feel that from anyone, so thank you!

Well, one tidbit I didn't put in my OP is that a little over a month ago or two months I got an email from stepbrother's wife where she ranted that my parents were coming to visit and she was angry and pissed off and said she was seething with rage, called my stepbrother stupid and useless abou talking about it, and said one of their kids was scared and stressed that my parents were coming to visit (my mom and stepdad are fabulous grandparents, so that is just absurd and it was clear to me that his wife was feeding their kids a bunch of BS and it isn't good for the kids).

I did not reply. I told my mom because she has a right to know when they show up and the kids are acting standoffish and weird.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I'm worried my mom actually told them that I showed her the email. My mom wanted to see the email. It started off with me just telling her what was said, but then she basically demanded to see the email. It wasn't easy for me to come to her with that information. I genuinely don't want to be involved, but I also feel it's wrong to feed a child a bunch of information like that and make him afraid of his own grandparents (they desperately wanted a relationship with the kids)...

So yeah, I'm afraid my mom told them I sent the email to her or she heard from me and she doesn't want some sort of confrontation. I didn't want to be involved, but I also didn't know what else to do but to tell my mom.

Do you have kids, OP?
If not, please don't assume that just because you had a good childhood with your parents, they are good grandparents.
Some things you can only notice when you have your own kids, and start getting criticized on the way you're raising them: the way you're feeding/breastfeeding, putting to sleep, stimulating, daycare/not daycare, working/staying home, teaching manners, babyproofing, new safety rules, choice of schools, ESPECIALLY if you're the daughter-in-law...
I mention this because it's wasn't quite right of your mother to demand the email from you. She sounds a little bit controlling.

Your sister-in-law sounds off her rocker, and your step-brother sounds a little off his rocker, which gives you all the ingredients for a nice juicy family drama - because EVERYONE involved is unreasonable!

So don't make an extra crazy, OP, and try to stay out of it.
Next time, don't share anything with your mother, or anybody else. You'll get sucked in. She's a grown woman and doesn't need to be warned in advance.
Stay neutral, listen, keep advice to a minimum or don't give it at all.

That's a good point and I will give you that, my mom can be very controlling and likes to have her way. It's frustrating and has been a sense of tension between me and her for years, but I think living far away has definitely improved my relationship with her. I'm not saying they're perfect, but they are devoted grandparents. They do have a tendency to want to "outdo" everyone else though.

The reason I told my mom (the biggest reason) is because the oldest child was scared and threatened to run away because his grandparents were coming to visit. If stepbrother's wife has issues with her in-laws (my parents), that's one thing, but why involve a kid? My parents were on their way up there. I told my parents because I was a foster child and my biological parents used to tell me my mom (foster mom at the time) was evil/bad person/trying to take me away. It caused a lot of nightmares for me as a kid. No child should go through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're not as sane and drama free as you think you are. You're writing like a child holding their breath and stomping their feet.

You're interpreting that way, so that's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Having been in tense family relationships where I'm the one living overseas, I understand your position, OP.

First, you need to call and hear their voices to really get a feel for the situation. Call your mother. She's doing you a favor by telling you to go to a hotel.

If you want to hear the scoop from the others, call the others too. Don't rely on one source of info in that kind of situation!

You will get nothing from texts and emails.

Thanks for your reply. Do you feel better being overseas (or did you if you aren't any longer)? I feel in a sense more "free" of the family drama when I'm literally on another continent. My family isn't the type to phone. My mom has taken to texting like it's her preferred method of communication if it's face to face. That's the only way to talk these days unless I'm in town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're not as sane and drama free as you think you are. You're writing like a child holding their breath and stomping their feet.

You're interpreting that way, so that's on you.

I'm interpreting it that way too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Having been in tense family relationships where I'm the one living overseas, I understand your position, OP.

First, you need to call and hear their voices to really get a feel for the situation. Call your mother. She's doing you a favor by telling you to go to a hotel.

If you want to hear the scoop from the others, call the others too. Don't rely on one source of info in that kind of situation!

You will get nothing from texts and emails.

Thanks for your reply. Do you feel better being overseas (or did you if you aren't any longer)? I feel in a sense more "free" of the family drama when I'm literally on another continent. My family isn't the type to phone. My mom has taken to texting like it's her preferred method of communication if it's face to face. That's the only way to talk these days unless I'm in town.

I came here to the US to get away from my mother. The Atlantic didn't seem to much of a separation from her particular brand of control-freakiness. And then I found many other reasons to stay, so here I still am, with husband and house and kids

I have a wonderful relationship with my parents on the phone. I like to hear their voices as they like to hear mine. I can hide all manner of things from her on the phone, but still connect with her. She wouldn't know how to text anyway!
But as soon as we get together, I can only survive for 2 weeks max. She's so desperately in people's business, anxious, stressed out and self-centered that she's driven away everybody except my father, goodness knows how he takes it.

I understand from all you've said that she might be a very difficult grandparent indeed, even more so if the mother is not quite there herself and has difficulty with impulse and emotion. Not a good match.
And please don't project your foster experience onto these kids. They're not living the same thing - it might be difficult, but not in quite that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a chance to find out everything that's happening with your bro (via the emails from your sister in law) but you decided to "stay out of the drama". Everyone has accommodated your desire to stay out of it all. So you can't come in now and be all nosy and wondering what's up. Whether they're getting divorced isn't really your business.

And it may very well be that they don't like you, since maybe they reached out thinking that you'd be there for them emotionally and instead you showed them that you don't care about them. And maybe your mom is trying to not let you into the mix when she knows that it will just create more tension. Maybe your mom is looking out for the kids. Maybe the wife has medical issues. Who knows...

I think you should simply ask to spend some time with your mom away from the drama. Just text her back and say that it sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on over there, thanks for leaving you out of it like you requested, you'd really like to see her though since it might be your last chance for several years, you propose she meets you at X place at Y time, would that work for her?

You are mistaken. I ignored her emails because she has mental issues. She called her own husband stupid and useless and called my parents every name in the book. I don't want to find out anything from her. She is crazed.

One thing I don't think some people understand is that it's F*CKING stressful packing for another country. I have to come home, do my visa, pack and repack things in a storage unit and then leave. All after a 16 hour flight from where I'm at now. And won't be back in the country for a long time after this. No, not everyone has "accommodated" my desire to stay out of it all. I didn't appreciate his wife sending me those shitty emails. I didn't want to have to tell my parents about that email. I would have rather known nothing. And then my mom forced me to show her the actual email. I feel like I've been put in the middle of it and for some reason my stepbrother and his kids can take up an entire 8 bedroom house while I stay in a hotel - after he has treated my parents like crap for years.

Of course it's stressful to pack and unpack a storage unit while getting ready to leave for another country. But you know that your stepbrother's life is in tremendous turmoil now, you know that he has young kids staying in your parents' house and you know that your SIL is mentally/emotionally off her rocker. If you don't want to add more to your own stress then go to the hotel like your mother has suggested.

You have to realize that your family members are under some pretty intense stress, too. You can't wave a magic wand and make everyone happy. Try to figure out what kind of help (if any) you would like to ask for from your parents with regards to move logistics and see if they can figure out a way to help you. But do plan to stay in a hotel. Do try to have a nice visit out with them before you leave and do everything you can to leave on a good terms with them (I'm sure they will miss you!). You will be gone for several years, a lot will happen during that time. Your life will change in wonderful and unexpected ways and their lives will no doubt change, too. Do not get caught up in your stepbrother's sad divorce drama, that is not something that you can do anything about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you're not as sane and drama free as you think you are. You're writing like a child holding their breath and stomping their feet.

You're interpreting that way, so that's on you.

I'm interpreting it that way too.

Only in that she's getting pissed off at posters who are genuinely trying to help. I'm less inclined to contribute when
OP is responding with things like, "which part don't you understand?".

Deep breaths, OP.