are your retired in-laws living with you permanently? if so, hows it going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL lived with us for 6 years. He came to the house very independent and ended up passing away in our home from cancer. He was in his late 70s when he moved in. I wouldn't change it for the world, his grandchildren adored him and we ended up having an amazing relationship ourself.

There were definitely some struggles such as the fact that he was a Great Depression baby and he hoarded every thing!!! When my husband would take him grocery shopping every Sunday that would be the time where I could throw out all of his newspapers & magazines that he received on a weekly basis. He saved used tea bags for additonal uses, washed aluminum foil and ziploc bags. I laugh about it now but sometimes it would drive me crazy.

He sold his house to move in with us and was unable to part with a lot of his belongings and our house became extremely cluttered with unneeded furniture. Who needs 4 dining room tables? Apparently we do. We ate dinner together (at the many tables), he would wash and dry the dishes, help with laundry, go out to the bar with us, pick up dry cleaning, cook oatmeal on the weekends and tidy up the house when he was indepdent. He could walk to the doctor and it was convenient that he could be at the house when home maintenance appointments needed someone to let them in. He took his grandkids outside to play and get into things that mom and dad wouldn't allow that they have fond memories of.

As he aged and became more dependent on us, he became more of a child. I made sure he took his meds, had breakfast and dinner, escorted him to doctor's appointments, pay his bills, make sure the children's toys were picked up all day long since he started shuffling his feet, carried his laundry up and down the stairs, picked up his dry cleaning, and clean up after him. As we found out he was terminally ill and he became sick, he definitely became very dependent on us, hospice ended up coming to our home and we had caregivers in our basement tend to him.

As I mentioned, definitely had some struggles from him sharing unsolicited opinions to refusing that he needed daily help to take care of himself. The end was ugly, I've never watched someone die from cancer but I know that he never wanted to be in a nursing home and am happy that he was able to die at home surrounded by his loved ones. He once read stories to the children every evening and in the end the children and I read him a story every night. Sure it can be an inconvenience, and they do get grumpy as they get older, a bathroom is cluttered with a shower chair & baby bathtub, you feel stuck in the sandwich generation, you have visitors in your home when you just want to walk around naked; however, you smile and take a picture when your kid is sitting in their lap and eating their food, when they get up every morning and go to the basement to see their grandfather, when grandfather's face lights up when DC attempts to sing the itsy bitsy spider.

Several months after his passing, we are still adjusting to life without him. If it wasn't for the cancer, I'm sure he would have lived with us into his 90s still driving me crazy but I wouldn't change it.

For the record, I didn't watch my mother take care of her parents and it's not the norm for my husband or myself. My ILs never expected to live after 50 as they had way too much fun during their hippie days, they saved very little for retirement but he had enough to pay for his caregivers at the end.

What a beautifully written post. I teared up when reading it. My mother was similarly responsible for her mother in law (my grandmother), and I know sometimes felt annoyance. But she (and all of us) would give anything to have her back since her passing last year.

[Anonymous]

My Dad lived with my family (me, DH, 2 kids) for several
months while recovering from an illness. He planned to move back home to live alone independently after he recovered, but was unable to do so. Considering that he knew no one in our town except for us and the fact that we have 2 active kids and stay on the go, he agreed to go into a retirement community near us. It has worked out great. He has friends his own age and social activities, his own apartment, and we can see each other often without being together 24/7. It preserves our good relationship. He seems very content. It's not cheap, though and will likely take everything he has to keep him there, but as long as he is well taken care of for the rest of his days, that's what matters. I have no expectation to receive any sort of inheritance .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's Dad lives with us full-time. I was a little worried at first because he intimidated the heck out of me for 20+ years but after my husband's mom (his wife) died and Dad began to have some health issues we decided it was the best thing. Now I don't know what I would do without him and he is my partner in crime.

Dad has integrated so well into our family that I cannot imagine life without him here at home with us. Basically where I go, he goes. In fact, usually he is sitting in the kitchen watching tv with me (or even reading postings to me from DCUM! and he is outside now with the boys watching them play basketball which is the only reason I can reply to this particular thread) while I cook. The kids adore having him around.

We did not do an in-law suite because it all happened so quickly but he has a Master suite to himself so he does have a little extra space and there is a little sitting room there that he uses as a study. Because he has early stages Alzheimer's we need him close by so that we and his daytime companion can get to him easily.

There have been some hurdles to overcome but I think we've hit the major ones in terms of all of us learning to live together. I am so happy that we made the choices we did and we would do it all over again in a heartbeat. We may end up doing an addition so that he has a suite of rooms on the first floor. For now he is negotiating the stairs just fine but we are trying to plan ahead for his physical needs as well as what will happen with this stupid, horrible disease.

You're a wonderful person and you'll be so glad you did this, although it will become very hard later. Two pieces of advice: (1) make whatever changes you're going to make in his living situation as soon as possible. As the disease progresses, it becomes harder for those with memory loss to adapt to new surroundings. (2) Don't feel bad about getting help to give yourself a break, especially later on. There are "day care" situations for those with dementia, and it can be very good for them to be around people their own age and it gives you some time to breathe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's Dad lives with us full-time. I was a little worried at first because he intimidated the heck out of me for 20+ years but after my husband's mom (his wife) died and Dad began to have some health issues we decided it was the best thing. Now I don't know what I would do without him and he is my partner in crime.

Dad has integrated so well into our family that I cannot imagine life without him here at home with us. Basically where I go, he goes. In fact, usually he is sitting in the kitchen watching tv with me (or even reading postings to me from DCUM! and he is outside now with the boys watching them play basketball which is the only reason I can reply to this particular thread) while I cook. The kids adore having him around.

We did not do an in-law suite because it all happened so quickly but he has a Master suite to himself so he does have a little extra space and there is a little sitting room there that he uses as a study. Because he has early stages Alzheimer's we need him close by so that we and his daytime companion can get to him easily.

There have been some hurdles to overcome but I think we've hit the major ones in terms of all of us learning to live together. I am so happy that we made the choices we did and we would do it all over again in a heartbeat. We may end up doing an addition so that he has a suite of rooms on the first floor. For now he is negotiating the stairs just fine but we are trying to plan ahead for his physical needs as well as what will happen with this stupid, horrible disease.

You're a wonderful person and you'll be so glad you did this, although it will become very hard later. Two pieces of advice: (1) make whatever changes you're going to make in his living situation as soon as possible. As the disease progresses, it becomes harder for those with memory loss to adapt to new surroundings. (2) Don't feel bad about getting help to give yourself a break, especially later on. There are "day care" situations for those with dementia, and it can be very good for them to be around people their own age and it gives you some time to breathe.

Thank you for your kind words and your good advice about the living situation and taking breaks. I think/know we've been procrastinating about the addition because it seems too foreshadowing to do it now but your advice makes sense and we better get started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's Dad lives with us full-time. I was a little worried at first because he intimidated the heck out of me for 20+ years but after my husband's mom (his wife) died and Dad began to have some health issues we decided it was the best thing. Now I don't know what I would do without him and he is my partner in crime.

Dad has integrated so well into our family that I cannot imagine life without him here at home with us. Basically where I go, he goes. In fact, usually he is sitting in the kitchen watching tv with me (or even reading postings to me from DCUM! and he is outside now with the boys watching them play basketball which is the only reason I can reply to this particular thread) while I cook. The kids adore having him around.

We did not do an in-law suite because it all happened so quickly but he has a Master suite to himself so he does have a little extra space and there is a little sitting room there that he uses as a study. Because he has early stages Alzheimer's we need him close by so that we and his daytime companion can get to him easily.

There have been some hurdles to overcome but I think we've hit the major ones in terms of all of us learning to live together. I am so happy that we made the choices we did and we would do it all over again in a heartbeat. We may end up doing an addition so that he has a suite of rooms on the first floor. For now he is negotiating the stairs just fine but we are trying to plan ahead for his physical needs as well as what will happen with this stupid, horrible disease.

You're a wonderful person and you'll be so glad you did this, although it will become very hard later. Two pieces of advice: (1) make whatever changes you're going to make in his living situation as soon as possible. As the disease progresses, it becomes harder for those with memory loss to adapt to new surroundings. (2) Don't feel bad about getting help to give yourself a break, especially later on. There are "day care" situations for those with dementia, and it can be very good for them to be around people their own age and it gives you some time to breathe.

Thank you for your kind words and your good advice about the living situation and taking breaks. I think/know we've been procrastinating about the addition because it seems too foreshadowing to do it now but your advice makes sense and we better get started.

NP and I also want to say I was very touched by your post. You know the challenges ahead and you're choosing the most loving way to deal with it. It's inspirational.