I lose respect for DH when I hear him talk with his mother....

[Anonymous]

Actions speak louder than words.
What are DH's actions to his mother's requests or ranting? If nothing and no follow-up, it seems effective to just smile, nod and blow off everything she says. She must not followup or realize it either. Oh well.

Now, if you have requests from your life partner about the house, kids, schedule, etc. he should be fully engaged and responsive. NOT blowing you off, you both have a family to run, together.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has the difficult parents (actually, just one, my dad is awesome), let your husband handle his mother how he sees fit, and leave it alone. You'll likely only end up driving a wedge between you and your husband on this, and you'll be in the wrong. I made it clear to my husband from day one that how I handle my mother is up to me because it doesn't affect him (I don't let her come over and yell at him, for example). He wasn't there my whole life, and has no idea of all the complications involved in our relationship, so he respects whatever I choose to say or do because, like I said, it doesn't affect him. Let your husband do and say what he wants and acknowledge that there's a lot you don't know about their relationship. Having a difficult parent is really hard because even when you might hate them, they're your parent. Don't make it worse for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has the difficult parents (actually, just one, my dad is awesome), let your husband handle his mother how he sees fit, and leave it alone. You'll likely only end up driving a wedge between you and your husband on this, and you'll be in the wrong. I made it clear to my husband from day one that how I handle my mother is up to me because it doesn't affect him (I don't let her come over and yell at him, for example). He wasn't there my whole life, and has no idea of all the complications involved in our relationship, so he respects whatever I choose to say or do because, like I said, it doesn't affect him. Let your husband do and say what he wants and acknowledge that there's a lot you don't know about their relationship. Having a difficult parent is really hard because even when you might hate them, they're your parent. Don't make it worse for him.

It was toughest on our marriage when my oldest child was a baby/toddler and she would successfully make him feel guilty for 1)not doing everything the way she wanted regarding caring for our baby and 2) not leaving our baby for extended periods of time in her care. He would pressure me to "forgive her, give her another chance, not hold a grudge, etc" It wasn't about holding a grudge, it was a true concern for safety! Those were the worst fights. I would get so angry because I felt he was caving to her at the expense of risking our own child's well being. Like I said....this among other things led us eventually into marriage counseling. So, yeah, it DID affect me...and my kids.

Boundaries are MUCH more clearly drawn now, but she still is who she is. For the most part, I do stay out of it. When she is mean to him (say on a phone call) I'll typically just ask if he's ok and say something along the lines of "It bothers me that she treats you that way....you don't deserve it and its not fair." He just acknowledges and says his usual "oh well, what ya gonna do" - and that's that. No fighting. Then I vent on a anonymous forum about family relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has the difficult parents (actually, just one, my dad is awesome), let your husband handle his mother how he sees fit, and leave it alone. You'll likely only end up driving a wedge between you and your husband on this, and you'll be in the wrong. I made it clear to my husband from day one that how I handle my mother is up to me because it doesn't affect him (I don't let her come over and yell at him, for example). He wasn't there my whole life, and has no idea of all the complications involved in our relationship, so he respects whatever I choose to say or do because, like I said, it doesn't affect him. Let your husband do and say what he wants and acknowledge that there's a lot you don't know about their relationship. Having a difficult parent is really hard because even when you might hate them, they're your parent. Don't make it worse for him.

It was toughest on our marriage when my oldest child was a baby/toddler and she would successfully make him feel guilty for 1)not doing everything the way she wanted regarding caring for our baby and 2) not leaving our baby for extended periods of time in her care. He would pressure me to "forgive her, give her another chance, not hold a grudge, etc" It wasn't about holding a grudge, it was a true concern for safety! Those were the worst fights. I would get so angry because I felt he was caving to her at the expense of risking our own child's well being. Like I said....this among other things led us eventually into marriage counseling. So, yeah, it DID affect me...and my kids.

Boundaries are MUCH more clearly drawn now, but she still is who she is. For the most part, I do stay out of it. When she is mean to him (say on a phone call) I'll typically just ask if he's ok and say something along the lines of "It bothers me that she treats you that way....you don't deserve it and its not fair." He just acknowledges and says his usual "oh well, what ya gonna do" - and that's that. No fighting. Then I vent on a anonymous forum about family relationships

PP here. It's hard to know if you were being dramatic about your MIL or whether you were truly concerned for their safety, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one, in which case, I agree with you that you needed to step in because it did affect you. However, your post was about how he talks to his mom now, which didn't seem to me to affect you (sorry if I misread that). In that case, I'd leave it alone. My husband does some things with his family that drive me crazy (and affect me financially, although not drastically), but I've had to let it go out of respect for how he wants to handle it since they're his family. I've seen stuff like this create problems between spouses (as it sounds like it did in your case if you went to counseling over it), so I would just encourage you to try to let it go now since it sounds like the worst is (hopefully) behind you. I'm sorry you have a MIL like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Instead of losing respect for him, you should admire his stoicism and fortitude, and ultimate wisdom for not fighting with CRAZY.

You should instead help him set boundaries.

You're not a nice person at all, OP, and perhaps not as mature as you imagine yourself to be.

Yes you are a nice person OP! Disregard above comment. For the past 22 years I have lived with a MIL dynamic strikingly similar to yours. Lots of over involvement, drama and guilt doled out. My DH has tried different approaches from placating to no contact. The best thing for him and our family was when she moved out of state to be closer to her daughter.
My only advice is to keep boundaries. She will probably blame you for everything but keep your head up knowing the truth.
Do not let this define you!
Good luck and my sympathies

[Anonymous]

He obviously has a big or unsightly nose.

[Anonymous]

You all married Normans and inherited his mother Norma. And from the posts, yes indeed he married his mother. All around disrespect.

To thine own self be true.

I doubt you women are the sweet nice everythings wrapped up in cotton candy. You damn well know you married a pajama boy so you could medicate and push him around just like mommy does.

You write s*** on here because that ugly mouth you have talks big but scared as hell to tell his mother to her face.

Call her. Then post back. I just made some jiffy pop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all married Normans and inherited his mother Norma. And from the posts, yes indeed he married his mother. All around disrespect.

To thine own self be true.

I doubt you women are the sweet nice everythings wrapped up in cotton candy. You damn well know you married a pajama boy so you could medicate and push him around just like mommy does.

You write s*** on here because that ugly mouth you have talks big but scared as hell to tell his mother to her face.

Call her. Then post back. I just made some jiffy pop.

Hi MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has the difficult parents (actually, just one, my dad is awesome), let your husband handle his mother how he sees fit, and leave it alone. You'll likely only end up driving a wedge between you and your husband on this, and you'll be in the wrong. I made it clear to my husband from day one that how I handle my mother is up to me because it doesn't affect him (I don't let her come over and yell at him, for example). He wasn't there my whole life, and has no idea of all the complications involved in our relationship, so he respects whatever I choose to say or do because, like I said, it doesn't affect him. Let your husband do and say what he wants and acknowledge that there's a lot you don't know about their relationship. Having a difficult parent is really hard because even when you might hate them, they're your parent. Don't make it worse for him.

It was toughest on our marriage when my oldest child was a baby/toddler and she would successfully make him feel guilty for 1)not doing everything the way she wanted regarding caring for our baby and 2) not leaving our baby for extended periods of time in her care. He would pressure me to "forgive her, give her another chance, not hold a grudge, etc" It wasn't about holding a grudge, it was a true concern for safety! Those were the worst fights. I would get so angry because I felt he was caving to her at the expense of risking our own child's well being. Like I said....this among other things led us eventually into marriage counseling. So, yeah, it DID affect me...and my kids.

Boundaries are MUCH more clearly drawn now, but she still is who she is. For the most part, I do stay out of it. When she is mean to him (say on a phone call) I'll typically just ask if he's ok and say something along the lines of "It bothers me that she treats you that way....you don't deserve it and its not fair." He just acknowledges and says his usual "oh well, what ya gonna do" - and that's that. No fighting. Then I vent on a anonymous forum about family relationships

PP here. It's hard to know if you were being dramatic about your MIL or whether you were truly concerned for their safety, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one, in which case, I agree with you that you needed to step in because it did affect you. However, your post was about how he talks to his mom now, which didn't seem to me to affect you (sorry if I misread that). In that case, I'd leave it alone. My husband does some things with his family that drive me crazy (and affect me financially, although not drastically), but I've had to let it go out of respect for how he wants to handle it since they're his family. I've seen stuff like this create problems between spouses (as it sounds like it did in your case if you went to counseling over it), so I would just encourage you to try to let it go now since it sounds like the worst is (hopefully) behind you. I'm sorry you have a MIL like this.

Thank you for your condolences. You (and likewise PPs who have made similar comments) are completely right about just letting stuff go at this point - like I said, we don't fight about it now, it just occasionally gets under my skin - and it did this time and so here I am releasing my frustration with you. Things are much different now than they used to be. We went through some really hard times and perhaps that is why I'm hypersensitive.

As far as my exaggerating.....well....let's see....there was the time she said to give my 8 month old NyQuil because she had a little cold. I said no (politely) and she insisted. It got awkward. I kept trying to find polite ways to say no. She got angry. She started yelling that most pediatricians are young and don't even have children so what do they know??? She knows better and why don't I listen to her??? And see....based on her history and what she has done with my nieces and nephews, if I left my baby with her, in a heartbeat, she would give her NyQuil just to prove a point that she gave it to her and she survived. This is one very small example of many crazy episodes that convinced me I couldn't leave my babies with her.

The one incident that made DH turn a corner and stop pressuring me to 'give her another chance' involved her leaving our home with our then toddlers in her convertible without telling us and without carseats when she was supposed to just watch them for one hour while we had a meeting nearby. He was furious with her and and she immediately began to act like a timid lil' ol' harmless lady, total victim, "why are you being so mean????" Even then, he was respectful to her, just talking to her sternly and was clearly exasperated with her. The whole car seat issue had already been a "thing" between us - with us insisting on them and her insisting they were totally unnecessary. So she knew how we felt about car safety and did this just to "show us."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Instead of losing respect for him, you should admire his stoicism and fortitude, and ultimate wisdom for not fighting with CRAZY.

You should instead help him set boundaries.

You're not a nice person at all, OP, and perhaps not as mature as you imagine yourself to be.

Yes you are a nice person OP! Disregard above comment. For the past 22 years I have lived with a MIL dynamic strikingly similar to yours. Lots of over involvement, drama and guilt doled out. My DH has tried different approaches from placating to no contact. The best thing for him and our family was when she moved out of state to be closer to her daughter.
My only advice is to keep boundaries. She will probably blame you for everything but keep your head up knowing the truth.
Do not let this define you!
Good luck and my sympathies

Thank you and I'm sorry you have a similar MIL! I do enjoy the time that she travels - I don't think she'll move, but at least we have some periods of reprieve! I am grateful for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He obviously has a big or unsightly nose.

OP here. LOL! She thinks it just needs a minor adjustment. She has had several procedures done on her own face.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to be a drama llama! Your husband is managing his mom. He is not stressed about her. Why do you care? I lost respect for you for starting this thread...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem to be a drama llama! Your husband is managing his mom. He is not stressed about her. Why do you care? I lost respect for you for starting this thread...

I care because I don't like watching people I love deeply being psychologically and verbally abused. I care because our family/household is happier and more peaceful without her eruptions. I can live with the fact that a total anonymous stranger does not respect me.

[Anonymous]

That's her baby boy. No matter how old he gets , he's always going to be her baby boy. And he knows that. Don't try to reign her or it may backfire on you. Let her be her. Why are you getting all worked up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's her baby boy. No matter how old he gets , he's always going to be her baby boy. And he knows that. Don't try to reign her or it may backfire on you. Let her be her. Why are you getting all worked up?

Maybe in your universe it is considered normal to abuse your "baby boy." Not in mine, weirdo.