I lose respect for DH when I hear him talk with his mother....

[Anonymous]

VENT

She is selfish and overbearing and calls to berate him for various things and he takes it! I'm listening to his end of it (and know what she is saying on the other end bc it is basically a script she's been repeating since I've known her) and he's all "yes, mother, yes, yes"

It's gross and I just wish he would stand up to her! He laughs it off even though I know it bothers him and then goes with the ol' "oh, who knows how much longer she'll be around...I can't change a 75 year old woman...." Meanwhile, my blood is boiling.

She complains about the fact that we don't leave the kids with her (for good reason - she has violated our trust regarding important safety issues i.e. taking off with our toddlers in her convertible with no car seats)

She demands that we take an international trip with her, complains that we haven't - demands that it be a minimum 2 weeks trip. On our dime.

She pretends to fret about his health but is criticizing his weight (he is either too skinny or too fat at any given moment) She has often suggested he get a nose job. (My DH is gorgeous btw)

These are just highlights.

[Anonymous]

But does he give in to her demands?

[Anonymous]

Your DH is right, he is doing the right thing. What would be the point of him arguing? Isn't this better for DH's sanity? And obviously, you don't do what she demands/wants. Your DH is a smart guy, who sounds mature and knows what is important and what is fine to let go. You should learn from him.

[Anonymous]

reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL

These are your people. They will give you the help you need.

[Anonymous]

I have a mother like this. Your DH is taking the right approach. I often say "Yes, mother, yes, yes" on the phone with her and I'm totally not listening to her at all, just agreeing with her to shut her up and end the conversation sooner rather than later. My rule with my mother is: I do not engage. Engaging with her (arguing with her, standing up to her, trying to reason with her, etc.) is a) useless and futile, and b) only ends up extending the interaction.

AND, as another PP's question pointed out, I do NOT give in to her demands.

[Anonymous]

In the beginning of our marriage, yes. 14 years in, not so much. It took her going really, really far for him to finally stop pressuring me to leave our kids with her. We were on the verge of divorce about 4 years ago and went to counseling - he had some private sessions and the dynamics of his mother's influence seemed to shift somewhat. He never shared what was said about it in the private session though. I think that because she used to influence him so much more - maybe thats why these convos are such a trigger for me.

The trip - he keeps promising her we will do it. He tells me its because HE wants to, but I think her nagging him plays into it.

The personal insults hurt his feelings I think, but he's not gotten a nose job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the beginning of our marriage, yes. 14 years in, not so much. It took her going really, really far for him to finally stop pressuring me to leave our kids with her. We were on the verge of divorce about 4 years ago and went to counseling - he had some private sessions and the dynamics of his mother's influence seemed to shift somewhat. He never shared what was said about it in the private session though. I think that because she used to influence him so much more - maybe thats why these convos are such a trigger for me.

The trip - he keeps promising her we will do it. He tells me its because HE wants to, but I think her nagging him plays into it.

The personal insults hurt his feelings I think, but he's not gotten a nose job!

Sorry, this was a response to "Does he give in to her demands" post.

[Anonymous]

16:45 here and DH's mother is similar. Similar relationship as well. He's willing to put up with her criticism and bullying from time to time, but goes out of his way to protect me and our marriage. He's consciously decided this in order to maintain some sort of relationship with her. Your DH sounds like mine, and as annoying as it is, as long as your marriage is fine, stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:45 here and DH's mother is similar. Similar relationship as well. He's willing to put up with her criticism and bullying from time to time, but goes out of his way to protect me and our marriage. He's consciously decided this in order to maintain some sort of relationship with her. Your DH sounds like mine, and as annoying as it is, as long as your marriage is fine, stay out of it.

You're right. She travels a lot and things are nice and peaceful when she's away (I should be grateful for that) - so after about a 6-8 week break from it, she'll call and lambast him, tell him how our life is all wrong and I'm like "uuuuuuggggggggh, she's BAAAAACK" We have to be wary of her moods while she's local....

[Anonymous]

So, what was the issue with your MIL having the kids here and there? What was she doing, what kind of influence was she trying to establish? Was she telling him that you are terrible, cheating, crazy? Were your kids unsafe in her care? Nose job is such a tiny thing, rambling of a 75 year old. Yesterday my FIL decided to tell me that he will take DS(now 18) for a train ride to the same place where my DS first shoplifted! I was, what? He went on, how DS was around 2 years old and they were by this old train station and DS was playing with a toy and just walked away with it. I asked how come he didn't stop him? No answer. He repeated the same story today to DH, who told me that never happened, never heard about this ever before, and we do not recall FIL taking DS on any train rides then or ever alone. My point is, we both just nodded, and let him carry on, and then said, something, how nice that you want to take him for a train ride. Apart from telling you here, for a perspective point, we both realize that arguing, making sure we make it "right," is pointless and a waste of our energy. I do the same with my mom. She still brings up that I should dye my hair red/orange like Nicole Kidman once had. My brown/auburn hair has never ben good enough, it is just now that I am older, I quite frankly do not care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is right, he is doing the right thing. What would be the point of him arguing? Isn't this better for DH's sanity? And obviously, you don't do what she demands/wants. Your DH is a smart guy, who sounds mature and knows what is important and what is fine to let go. You should learn from him.

I guess I would just like to have him stand up to her - as in, "We work hard, we're good people, we're trying our best as parents, we're providing our family with what they need and more....we've got this, back off!" Ya know! But you're right, it wouldn't change anything...she'd just get mad and feign hurt and then keep doing what she does....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:45 here and DH's mother is similar. Similar relationship as well. He's willing to put up with her criticism and bullying from time to time, but goes out of his way to protect me and our marriage. He's consciously decided this in order to maintain some sort of relationship with her. Your DH sounds like mine, and as annoying as it is, as long as your marriage is fine, stay out of it.

You're right. She travels a lot and things are nice and peaceful when she's away (I should be grateful for that) - so after about a 6-8 week break from it, she'll call and lambast him, tell him how our life is all wrong and I'm like "uuuuuuggggggggh, she's BAAAAACK" We have to be wary of her moods while she's local....

Once every six weeks she calls? You do realize you have it like Disneyworld compared to so many people?

[Anonymous]

So ya know, they often say men marry women who resemble their mom in certain ways... how are you doing on the bullying and berating DH front, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, what was the issue with your MIL having the kids here and there? What was she doing, what kind of influence was she trying to establish? Was she telling him that you are terrible, cheating, crazy? Were your kids unsafe in her care? Nose job is such a tiny thing, rambling of a 75 year old. Yesterday my FIL decided to tell me that he will take DS(now 18) for a train ride to the same place where my DS first shoplifted! I was, what? He went on, how DS was around 2 years old and they were by this old train station and DS was playing with a toy and just walked away with it. I asked how come he didn't stop him? No answer. He repeated the same story today to DH, who told me that never happened, never heard about this ever before, and we do not recall FIL taking DS on any train rides then or ever alone. My point is, we both just nodded, and let him carry on, and then said, something, how nice that you want to take him for a train ride. Apart from telling you here, for a perspective point, we both realize that arguing, making sure we make it "right," is pointless and a waste of our energy. I do the same with my mom. She still brings up that I should dye my hair red/orange like Nicole Kidman once had. My brown/auburn hair has never ben good enough, it is just now that I am older, I quite frankly do not care.

LOL! Love these stories.

The kids were unsafe. She thinks car seats are ridiculous safety overkill. Didn't matter if we left a seat with her. (She has received several tickets for this riding around with my nieces and nephews) She gives out prescription medications as she sees fit to babies/kids (that are not prescribed for them). She is basically offended by any instructions/preferences/rules we would give her and make it a point to do the opposite just to show us that she knows better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:45 here and DH's mother is similar. Similar relationship as well. He's willing to put up with her criticism and bullying from time to time, but goes out of his way to protect me and our marriage. He's consciously decided this in order to maintain some sort of relationship with her. Your DH sounds like mine, and as annoying as it is, as long as your marriage is fine, stay out of it.

You're right. She travels a lot and things are nice and peaceful when she's away (I should be grateful for that) - so after about a 6-8 week break from it, she'll call and lambast him, tell him how our life is all wrong and I'm like "uuuuuuggggggggh, she's BAAAAACK" We have to be wary of her moods while she's local....

Once every six weeks she calls? You do realize you have it like Disneyworld compared to so many people?

Now that she's in town, it'll be every other day! And we never know when a big fit is coming!