Spin off. If you were emotionally/psychologically abused by your parents what it your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is a narcissist and my mom borderline. Dad raged and threatened violence often but never delivered. Mom was overly enmeshed in my life, threatened suicide if I didn't allow her full access to pretty much every aspect of my life. Told me horrifying stories of her own childhood trauma (sexual abuse from her mother, locked in the basement for days) beginning when I was 10.

My mom died 14 years ago. My dad married another borderline person, one who actually did threaten my family on several occasions. We live on opposite coasts and I haven't seen him for 9 years. Some years he sends the kids extravagant Christmas gifts (and sometimes sends only 2 out of my 3 kids gifts, that's always fun to explain). Other than that, no contact.

Tried therapy a few times and then a friend told me about EMDR therapy. I went for a year and it literally changed my life. All the shame and distress I carried my whole life is gone. Before EMDR, I couldn't tell anyone about, for example, my mom threatening suicide because I truly believed that was my fault ... that an 8yo could cause someone to kill themselves.

Agree that if you aren't from an abusive childhood you really can't comment on this thread.

Thanks for sharing PP. I'm excited to hear this. My DH starts EMDR therapy next week. The shame he carries from his childhood is crippling...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interested to know what kind of relationship you have with your parents now and the relationship you have with your own kids.

I was abused by my mother from when I was about 7 until my early 30s. Obviously it was much worse when I was a child because I had no escape. When it happened as an adult it was always on visits/on the phone and subtle.

Cut her off 3 years ago and never looked back.

Another sibling also doesn't talk to her for related but different reasons.
Other sibling still close with her even though she fully admits she felt the abuse too.

My kids are young but I am constantly watching what I say because I constantly fear that some of my mother is innately inside me and Im terrified to hurt my kids like that. And yes, I'm in therapy.

I wish more people could realize how badly words and actions can hurt.

Do you help your in-laws when you go visit them?

Or are you too tired from your trip, too busy with the kids, and don't want to get in the way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad is a narcissist and my mom borderline. Dad raged and threatened violence often but never delivered. Mom was overly enmeshed in my life, threatened suicide if I didn't allow her full access to pretty much every aspect of my life. Told me horrifying stories of her own childhood trauma (sexual abuse from her mother, locked in the basement for days) beginning when I was 10.

My mom died 14 years ago. My dad married another borderline person, one who actually did threaten my family on several occasions. We live on opposite coasts and I haven't seen him for 9 years. Some years he sends the kids extravagant Christmas gifts (and sometimes sends only 2 out of my 3 kids gifts, that's always fun to explain). Other than that, no contact.

Tried therapy a few times and then a friend told me about EMDR therapy. I went for a year and it literally changed my life. All the shame and distress I carried my whole life is gone. Before EMDR, I couldn't tell anyone about, for example, my mom threatening suicide because I truly believed that was my fault ... that an 8yo could cause someone to kill themselves.

Agree that if you aren't from an abusive childhood you really can't comment on this thread.

Thanks for sharing PP. I'm excited to hear this. My DH starts EMDR therapy next week. The shame he carries from his childhood is crippling...

I hope he has as good an experience as I did. It felt like someone reorganizing my brain's filing cabinet, if that makes sense... it was profound and I am so thankful that my friend mentioned it to me. Crippling shame is a good way to describe it. I would feel physical pain if I tried to tell anyone about it, and deep shame. It is still amazing to me that I can talk about what happened without re-experiencing it.

It took a while to build up to the point of doing the actual EMDR part (a few months, so my therapist knew what she was doing as we were addressing the most painful moments of my life) but the change after the first EMDR session is something I will never forget. Be easy on him as he's going through it, it's powerful and intense. I took a lot of quiet baths when I needed to chill out afterwards. I wish you both the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interested to know what kind of relationship you have with your parents now and the relationship you have with your own kids.

I was abused by my mother from when I was about 7 until my early 30s. Obviously it was much worse when I was a child because I had no escape. When it happened as an adult it was always on visits/on the phone and subtle.

Cut her off 3 years ago and never looked back.

Another sibling also doesn't talk to her for related but different reasons.
Other sibling still close with her even though she fully admits she felt the abuse too.

My kids are young but I am constantly watching what I say because I constantly fear that some of my mother is innately inside me and Im terrified to hurt my kids like that. And yes, I'm in therapy.

I wish more people could realize how badly words and actions can hurt.

Do you help your in-laws when you go visit them?

Or are you too tired from your trip, too busy with the kids, and don't want to get in the way?

I'm confused about your question? I never mentioned my in laws at all? I'm not sure where your question is coming from?

[Anonymous]

I have limited contact with my parents. I am not angry any more, but I just don't trust them at all. I have encouraged my daughter to have a relationship with them, but they're not really able to maintain relationships, so she's distant too.

My parents are boomers and I have this theory that the post-WW II generation carries a lot of trauma - parents who went to war & came back totally screwed up & unable to parent, etc. I can tell they are both very damaged people and in many ways they can't help it.

We just had a family wedding where my sib insisted on inviting them. It was VERY obvious there is nothing between us - 1 person came up and flat out asked me & another sib why we aren't close to them.

We can't afford to be close. They can't be trusted.

I'm also not a millennial, wtf?

[Anonymous]

PP- You've really opened for me insight about why my parents are so terrible. They are boomers too and I never thought about them having screwed up childhoods due to aftermath of war ad their parents not being able to parent. Both sets of my grandparents were good to their grandchildren but that's a lot different from parenting. My parents were/ are self absorbed... maybe they didn't get the attention they needed as kids.

[Anonymous]

I've completely cut off my mom and maybe talk to my dad an hour a year. I'm completely fine with it except I hate that my ILs judge me. They constantly want me to reconnect with my parents. They have good intentions-they are religious.They tell me things like think about all of the things you've done in life that you regret. I was really upset that the day of my daughter's graduation, they asked me earlier in the day if I was inviting my dad and I said no and they said I should reconsider. My dad has a history of making unwanted advances on people and it's not something that I wanted to deal with or worry about that day. My ILs think that people that dislike my dad have "overreacted" and spread false rumors. If I had only heard this from one source...I think they may have had a point. I have heard it from at least 3 sources. I told them they could either accept my decision or hold a grudge but that I wasn't budging. It was such a relief not to have him there. I just hate that people I love can cause me pain by trying to encourage the reconnection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've completely cut off my mom and maybe talk to my dad an hour a year. I'm completely fine with it except I hate that my ILs judge me. They constantly want me to reconnect with my parents. They have good intentions-they are religious.They tell me things like think about all of the things you've done in life that you regret. I was really upset that the day of my daughter's graduation, they asked me earlier in the day if I was inviting my dad and I said no and they said I should reconsider. My dad has a history of making unwanted advances on people and it's not something that I wanted to deal with or worry about that day. My ILs think that people that dislike my dad have "overreacted" and spread false rumors. If I had only heard this from one source...I think they may have had a point. I have heard it from at least 3 sources. I told them they could either accept my decision or hold a grudge but that I wasn't budging. It was such a relief not to have him there. I just hate that people I love can cause me pain by trying to encourage the reconnection.

You've set necessary boundaries with your parents. Now set boundaries with your in-laws by telling them to stop bringing it up. Tell them the subject is closed. Tell your husband to say the same thing to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boy, this thread backs up the previous one about millennial selfishness. Did any of you read "The Glass Castle"? Even she found a way to maintain a relationship. ALL families are dysfunctional and a lot of you are going to have very lonely lives when your own kids follow your examples.

I'm not a millennial. Not even close.

My family ties bought my parents a lot of slack over the years. But, that's done now. And I owe you no explanation whatsoever. People who make their beds should be prepared to take a nice long rest in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder what different pps consider emotional and physical abuse?

I will say that the one time my dad gave me a black eye garnered a lot more concern than his calling me stupid (honor roll student), lazy (babysat younger siblings because he wouldn't parent and cooked every meal), and fat (below the 50th percentile for weight my whole life) on a near daily basis -- on the days he wasn't giving me the silent treatment, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Hugs everyone. I cut my father off and never saw him again. When he died I did not go home (no real funeral). I do see my mother a couple of times a year for 1-2 week visits. We don't stay with her. She lives in a great place to visit so we often stay 1-2 weeks, but only spend a few hours with her each day. She was neglectful and emotionally abusive. She is in total denial of my father's abuse. At this point, I don't have hopes that she'll change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder what different pps consider emotional and physical abuse?

I will say that the one time my dad gave me a black eye garnered a lot more concern than his calling me stupid (honor roll student), lazy (babysat younger siblings because he wouldn't parent and cooked every meal), and fat (below the 50th percentile for weight my whole life) on a near daily basis -- on the days he wasn't giving me the silent treatment, anyway.

NP I'll add: Broke a broomstick over my arm then ripped the shirt I was wearing off me (I was 12); beat one of my brothers on the back (he was cowering) with a belt so badly that, afterwards, it was too painful for him to even lift his arms; made us watch while he beat a loved one and/or berated them; woke us in the middle of the night to come witness/listen to his rants/rages; killed my dog in front of me; shaved a 4 inch strip down the middle of one brother's head; burned all my mother's family pictures (this was in the 70s so it's not like there were digital backups or negatives handy); ruined Christmas so many times that it wasn't until a few years after I had my own kids that I learned enjoy Christmas - birthdays, Thanksgiving and Easter are the same way; pissed on the floor and made us clean it up (I can still see him doing it); threw eggs against the walls and made us clean it after they dried; the usual berating and humiliation thing abusers do.....

Need more examples? Best thing that ever happened to me and my siblings was the day he killed himself. I was 20.