Confronting a cheater: in person or e-mail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ghost him. no need for drama or details.

This would be much harder for him.

OP: Do this! This will hurt him the most.

OP here. Probably not thinking straight. But why will this be much harder for him?

[Anonymous]

what is the fetsish?

feet?

leather?

spanking?

puppy play?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you bothering to confront him? What do you hope to gain? Do you live together? Any kids?

No to both. As for the reason, I guess I would like to know why. Crazy, right? Once a cheater, always a cheater.

He's a cheater. THis means that he has lied to you about many many things for a long time. What makes you think that he will magically tell you the truth about this if you confront him? If he were capable of accurately identifying his feelings and discussing them in a highly conflictual environment, do you think he would have cheated?

You are a rational person, who is seeking to have a rational conversation with someone who has demonstrated that they do not have the skills to do so.

Personally, I would confont him because I would want him to know that I knew the score and I would be personally curious to see his reaction. But the meet would be in a public place. The conversation would be extremely short: "I 've found out you've cheated on me. I am breaking up with you. Please do not contact me in any way ever again."

Then walk away. Do not engage in listening to any explanations or justifications. Cut off all contact. If you see him in public ignore him. Block his phone and email, unfriend him on all social media, etc. If you have mutual friends that you still want to see, I'd just provide a brief explanation - "I found out he cheated and I broke up with him." Refuse to discuss anything further. If friends can't respect that boundary, drop them.

You've wasted 5 years with him. Don't waste a minute more of time or effort or care on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what is the fetsish?

feet?

leather?

spanking?

puppy play?

Watching. He has a very expensive sex toy that he likes to watch people use. I wasn't aware he had it until I found his ad, offering to let people use it if they let him watch.

Would any women actually use a toy that they know has been inside god-knows-how-many others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend of 5+ years cheated, swore he wouldn't again, now I have evidence that he is looking to indulge a particular fetish (which I know about and offered to share with him; he seems reluctant). Those of you who have confronted a cheater, do you think you would get more truth by surprising him with it in person or springing it on him in an e-mail?

My thinking about the e-mail route is that it might be more likely to result in a confession, rather than an in-person knee-jerk denial. But then again it would also give him time to get his story straight. Anyway, experience tales welcome.

I never understand why women are so compelled to know WHY.
He's cheating. Dump him. Move on.
What is the appeal of conducting a full investigation?
Why do women have this sense of obligation to get to the bottom of a man's infidelity?

Closure?

Exactly. Also I want him to know that he isn't as good at covering his tracks as he thinks. But maybe ghosting is best

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what is the fetsish?

feet?

leather?

spanking?

puppy play?

Watching. He has a very expensive sex toy that he likes to watch people use. I wasn't aware he had it until I found his ad, offering to let people use it if they let him watch.

Would any women actually use a toy that they know has been inside god-knows-how-many others?

Erhm. What is the toy?? How expensive? What does it do? I'm seriously curious.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you really want to confront him, do it over coffee, in public, tell him you know he has been cheating, and then leave and don't talk to him again.

It's not clear what you are looking for. A reason he cheated? People have been cheating forever, and will continue to cheat. Men especially, they almost all cheat at some point. Monogamy is hard, almost impossible when your man has a kink or fetish you won't oblige.

Whether he is once a cheater, always a cheater, who knows and who cares. The desire to cheat is mostly testosterone based. He may settle down in his late 30s or 40s and be a faithful husband to someone. All you need to know is he isn't ready to settle down, you are and the timing isn't right for you two.

DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you really want to confront him, do it over coffee, in public, tell him you know he has been cheating, and then leave and don't talk to him again.

It's not clear what you are looking for. A reason he cheated? People have been cheating forever, and will continue to cheat. Men especially, they almost all cheat at some point. Monogamy is hard, almost impossible when your man has a kink or fetish you won't oblige.

Whether he is once a cheater, always a cheater, who knows and who cares. The desire to cheat is mostly testosterone based. He may settle down in his late 30s or 40s and be a faithful husband to someone. All you need to know is he isn't ready to settle down, you are and the timing isn't right for you two.

DTMFA.

This does not account for female cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Gross OP. I'd get as far from that pig as possible. Never talk to him again, and erase his number. Don't email or whatever you were thinking about. Next time be careful with the people you pick...as in thoroughly do your homework.

[Anonymous]

I get the once a cheater always a cheater is the prevailing school of thought. However, it isn't always the case. Before I was married I was a bit of an asshole. Cheated on pretty much all my girlfriends, including serious ones. The thing is, I was just selfish and immature and I grew out of it. Married 15 years now and take my vows very seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ghost him. no need for drama or details.

This would be much harder for him.

OP: Do this! This will hurt him the most.

OP here. Probably not thinking straight. But why will this be much harder for him?

Because you take your stance, but never show your hand. For someone with questionable motives, it can feel like a huge crush to an ego, and a rejection that can make you feel worthless. He wouldn't get the satisfaction of knowing where you stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the once a cheater always a cheater is the prevailing school of thought. However, it isn't always the case. Before I was married I was a bit of an asshole. Cheated on pretty much all my girlfriends, including serious ones. The thing is, I was just selfish and immature and I grew out of it. Married 15 years now and take my vows very seriously.

OP here. I'm glad to hear that cheating is not necessarily a lifelong character flaw, but I think people like you are few and far between. And that this guy is not one of them. Dumping will commence shortly.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. And those who just wanted deets on the fetish/toy, go f*k yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gross OP. I'd get as far from that pig as possible. Never talk to him again, and erase his number. Don't email or whatever you were thinking about. Next time be careful with the people you pick...as in thoroughly do your homework.

And get tested for all STDs

[Anonymous]

Sybian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what is the fetsish?

feet?

leather?

spanking?

puppy play?

Watching. He has a very expensive sex toy that he likes to watch people use. I wasn't aware he had it until I found his ad, offering to let people use it if they let him watch.

Would any women actually use a toy that they know has been inside god-knows-how-many others?

Erhm. What is the toy?? How expensive? What does it do? I'm seriously curious.

OP don't answer that. It's none of their business.