Invisible Labor

[Anonymous]

The women of DCUM just needed another excuse to celebrate their mediocre existences.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't totally solve it, because I still "notice" way more than DH does, but DH and I had it OUT (on a vacation) about 6 months ago because I was exhausted being the "planner" all the time. It takes so much energy to be the one that knows everything that needs to be done.

Anyway, my DH came at me with the "just ask me!" thing, which I had been doing. I made the point to him that it made me feel like a nag to have to be constantly asking him. I appreciate that he would do whatever I asked him, but I felt like his mom and it made me feel so frustrated and naggy.

He set up a reminder in his phone twice a week to ask me if there's anything he can help with. That has been SO HELPFUL. Like I said, it doesn't totally resolve it because I still notice way more than he does, but what has been interesting is that after a few months of asking twice a week and taking the initiative -- he started noticing a lot more on his own.

I don't care that he had to set up a reminder in his phone to ask me to help. Whatever you need to get in a routine. But it has become much more natural for him now, and he has really stepped up and become a more equal partner in noticing. Still not equal, I think I'll always be more "on top" of home/family stuff, but it is far better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH: but where are the diapers?
Me: I don't know. Did you order diapers?
DH: No, I thought...
Me: What?
DH: I can run out and get diapers.
Me: Sounds great!

And a day when my son had no clean pants...

DH: Does Johnny have any clean pants?
Me: I don't know. Are there any in the drawer?
DH: No.
Me: Hmmm. Okay, I guess not then.

He eventually started to realize how much I was doing and we share the load a lot more evenly now.

AND WE HAVE A WINNER!

In fact, this is only step 1. What couple has time for one of the partners to always be running out to the store? Some men (or women) would be fine with putting out fires. They might even feel proud of themselves for "helping out" that way. Awareness is good only if it leads to a discussion of the household functions, and who will manage each one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH: but where are the diapers?
Me: I don't know. Did you order diapers?
DH: No, I thought...
Me: What?
DH: I can run out and get diapers.
Me: Sounds great!

And a day when my son had no clean pants...

DH: Does Johnny have any clean pants?
Me: I don't know. Are there any in the drawer?
DH: No.
Me: Hmmm. Okay, I guess not then.

He eventually started to realize how much I was doing and we share the load a lot more evenly now.

AND WE HAVE A WINNER!

In fact, this is only step 1. What couple has time for one of the partners to always be running out to the store? Some men (or women) would be fine with putting out fires. They might even feel proud of themselves for "helping out" that way. Awareness is good only if it leads to a discussion of the household functions, and who will manage each one.

Yeah, obviously. The point is that most men don't even realize the work women are doing so it's hard to start that conversation without a wakeup call like the above.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't even read the article because the ads are so effed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

I lost you at "help."

Would your wife say that she does plenty to "help"?

+1

You "help"? You need someone to "ask" you to "help"?

You are not an equal participant in the running of your household and family life.

I am a DP. No, man not an equal participant or partner, never was and never will be. Modern women have no clue how the male and female brain function and trying to make a man think like a woman. This will never happen. And you will never be happy if you expecting this. That is why the roles for man and woman are different and trying to swap it or equate it will result in twisted relations or divorces.

But then why must I contribute 50% of the household income, if the male is so weak he can't take on 50% of everything else?

where does it says that you must? Did I miss something in the article?

Women often takes a man's role and automatically assume that men has to pick up women's obligations. It never ends well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH: but where are the diapers?
Me: I don't know. Did you order diapers?
DH: No, I thought...
Me: What?
DH: I can run out and get diapers.
Me: Sounds great!

And a day when my son had no clean pants...

DH: Does Johnny have any clean pants?
Me: I don't know. Are there any in the drawer?
DH: No.
Me: Hmmm. Okay, I guess not then.

He eventually started to realize how much I was doing and we share the load a lot more evenly now.

AND WE HAVE A WINNER!

In fact, this is only step 1. What couple has time for one of the partners to always be running out to the store? Some men (or women) would be fine with putting out fires. They might even feel proud of themselves for "helping out" that way. Awareness is good only if it leads to a discussion of the household functions, and who will manage each one.

Yeah, obviously. The point is that most men don't even realize the work women are doing so it's hard to start that conversation without a wakeup call like the above.

This cuts both ways.

Pretty sure there are many things that I do that are taken for granted

I don't sit around with my friends complaining , invent terms like invisible labor and make cartoons about it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

I lost you at "help."

Would your wife say that she does plenty to "help"?

+1

You "help"? You need someone to "ask" you to "help"?

You are not an equal participant in the running of your household and family life.

I am a DP. No, man not an equal participant or partner, never was and never will be. Modern women have no clue how the male and female brain function and trying to make a man think like a woman. This will never happen. And you will never be happy if you expecting this. That is why the roles for man and woman are different and trying to swap it or equate it will result in twisted relations or divorces.

But then why must I contribute 50% of the household income, if the male is so weak he can't take on 50% of everything else?

where does it says that you must? Did I miss something in the article?

Women often takes a man's role and automatically assume that men has to pick up women's obligations. It never ends well.

My husband told me from the beginning that he wasn't comfortable being the sole breadwinner. Imagine my shock that he doesn't come close to doing 50% of everything else. Would seem to logically follow, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH: but where are the diapers?
Me: I don't know. Did you order diapers?
DH: No, I thought...
Me: What?
DH: I can run out and get diapers.
Me: Sounds great!

And a day when my son had no clean pants...

DH: Does Johnny have any clean pants?
Me: I don't know. Are there any in the drawer?
DH: No.
Me: Hmmm. Okay, I guess not then.

He eventually started to realize how much I was doing and we share the load a lot more evenly now.

AND WE HAVE A WINNER!

In fact, this is only step 1. What couple has time for one of the partners to always be running out to the store? Some men (or women) would be fine with putting out fires. They might even feel proud of themselves for "helping out" that way. Awareness is good only if it leads to a discussion of the household functions, and who will manage each one.

Yeah, obviously. The point is that most men don't even realize the work women are doing so it's hard to start that conversation without a wakeup call like the above.

This cuts both ways.

Pretty sure there are many things that I do that are taken for granted

I don't sit around with my friends complaining , invent terms like invisible labor and make cartoons about it though.

I guess the stuff you do for the family takes a lot less time and energy than your wife's invisible labor then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am female and only sort of agree with the cartoon. There are some things, like making dental appointments for the kids, that DH always does on his own initiative. He does the wash on his own initiative, and at least 50 percent of the cooking. Some things, like making sure the kids have clothes that fit them, are on me.

My DH does nothing for the house or the kids on his own initiative, and our oldest child is 17.

[Anonymous]

I get the point, I just think it's a bit belabored and whiny.

- A Woman who does more, but is okay with that because her partner also does a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

I lost you at "help."

Would your wife say that she does plenty to "help"?

+1

You "help"? You need someone to "ask" you to "help"?

You are not an equal participant in the running of your household and family life.

I am a DP. No, man not an equal participant or partner, never was and never will be. Modern women have no clue how the male and female brain function and trying to make a man think like a woman. This will never happen. And you will never be happy if you expecting this. That is why the roles for man and woman are different and trying to swap it or equate it will result in twisted relations or divorces.

But then why must I contribute 50% of the household income, if the male is so weak he can't take on 50% of everything else?

where does it says that you must? Did I miss something in the article?

Women often takes a man's role and automatically assume that men has to pick up women's obligations. It never ends well.

wtf? What about when women want to take on equal roles to men. Does that mean because women want to work, they should have to do all the home jobs too? It's a woman's fault for working?? What about the man who chose to have children? Where's his fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the point, I just think it's a bit belabored and whiny.

- A Woman who does more, but is okay with that because her partner also does a lot.

Many women have partners who don't do much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the point, I just think it's a bit belabored and whiny.

- A Woman who does more, but is okay with that because her partner also does a lot.

Many women have partners who don't do much.

I mean, I'm not saying it's entirely their fault, but I purposefully searched out a mate who demonstrated initiative and household sufficiency. He's the only college guy I know who would routinely cook me dinner and iron my shirts for interviews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am female and only sort of agree with the cartoon. There are some things, like making dental appointments for the kids, that DH always does on his own initiative. He does the wash on his own initiative, and at least 50 percent of the cooking. Some things, like making sure the kids have clothes that fit them, are on me.

My DH does nothing for the house or the kids on his own initiative, and our oldest child is 17.

Well I assume you've been married and okay with this for 18 years then. I would have laid down the law on year 1 if that was my husband. Especially if we both worked.