Invisible Labor

[Anonymous]

I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

I lost you at "help."

Would your wife say that she does plenty to "help"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

So I guess you didn't read and absorb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

Why don't you just leave then? You sound mad and unhappy as hell. Get a bachelor's apartment and then you can clean up your own mess (or not) to your satisfaction. Sound like a win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

So I guess you didn't read and absorb?

Agreed. Men just do not get it. Also, making more money than your wife doesn't absolve you from your equal contributions to the household division of labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

I lost you at "help."

Would your wife say that she does plenty to "help"?

+1

You "help"? You need someone to "ask" you to "help"?

You are not an equal participant in the running of your household and family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

If you made only 50% of the income and worked 40 hours a week, would I be entitled to tell you how to put the forks in the dishwasher so they actually get clean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also saw this posted on FB this morning and while parts of it resonated with me, otherwise I felt lucky because my DH definitely does 50% of the household work. He manages all our finances, packs the kids' lunches each day, and doesn't use cluelessness as an excuse to not do laundry, load dishwasher, etc.

He also does more grocery shopping than I do, although I cook dinner more often- that probably cancels itself out.

I still do most of the planning though- logistics, travel planning, the emotional work like gift giving etc. But he's at least very aware of this, and he does more of the financial planning, yard work (I know this is so gendered- but he loves gardening and I have a black thumb), car maintenance. So it's a pretty even partnership, IMO.

I think he is a good partner in this sense because he was raised by a low-income single mom. So he did a ton of stuff around his house growing up, and couldn't be inept. He had to make himself dinner, clean up around the house, etc.

I do everything except fertilize the lawn and take out the trash and recyclables. And I work 2.5 hours longer each week and I make 50% of the household income. And I do 90% of the emotional labor, such as making sure the tux is ready for prom, the corsage ordered and the breakfast food bought for Spanish class. I am bitter and angry about it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

If you made only 50% of the income and worked 40 hours a week, would I be entitled to tell you how to put the forks in the dishwasher so they actually get clean?

As a DW who makes 70% of our income and pays all the bills as DHs income goes towards his premarital debt, I'm ecstatic to learn that contributing more to the household income entitles me to be a selfish wanker. Thanks first PP, you did this lady a real solid. /s

[Anonymous]

1. We both 'help' to keep it going. We 'help' each other. That doesn't mean either of us is more responsible than the other to make it happen. Maybe if you weren't so focused on the fact that you have to 'do it all' you wouldn't be so offended. Help doesn't imply that it's your job and I am doing you a favor.

2. Clean dishes are a zero sum game. Show me a dirty fork (or actually I will look on my own while I am unloading) if one of us finds one, maybe we can talk about the 'right' way to load the dishwasher. Don't watch me load the dishwasher, then claim that I am not doing it the right way, then claim that you get no support and come up with some silly cartoon to illustrate it.

3. Yes. ASK ME. Just like I will ASK YOU. Can you grab XXX on the way home? Sure. Happy to. It could be either of us asking or either of us running the errand. If you choose to not ask, you give up the right to be bitter because you have to do it on your own. At that point you can fall back into your cycle of feeling like you are doing it all on your own.


Running a home is a ledger account with many, many entries. I would suggest before you invent terms like 'invisible labor' maybe you should invent terms like 'invisible accountant' or 'invisible investment advisory'. There are likely things that your spouse does that he or she feels they do on their own. You are in it together. If you feel like somebody isn't pulling their load, maybe talk with them about it and get their perspective.

Finally, yes - if somebody works 60+ hours a week and makes 80% or more of the money, they should get some slack on the chores. That slides in either direction, man or woman. If I brought home 20% and worked 20 hours a week, you'd better believe that I would feel responsibility to do more to keep the household moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

I lost you at "help."

Would your wife say that she does plenty to "help"?

+1

You "help"? You need someone to "ask" you to "help"?

You are not an equal participant in the running of your household and family life.

I am a DP. No, man not an equal participant or partner, never was and never will be. Modern women have no clue how the male and female brain function and trying to make a man think like a woman. This will never happen. And you will never be happy if you expecting this. That is why the roles for man and woman are different and trying to swap it or equate it will result in twisted relations or divorces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. We both 'help' to keep it going. We 'help' each other. That doesn't mean either of us is more responsible than the other to make it happen. Maybe if you weren't so focused on the fact that you have to 'do it all' you wouldn't be so offended. Help doesn't imply that it's your job and I am doing you a favor.

2. Clean dishes are a zero sum game. Show me a dirty fork (or actually I will look on my own while I am unloading) if one of us finds one, maybe we can talk about the 'right' way to load the dishwasher. Don't watch me load the dishwasher, then claim that I am not doing it the right way, then claim that you get no support and come up with some silly cartoon to illustrate it.

3. Yes. ASK ME. Just like I will ASK YOU. Can you grab XXX on the way home? Sure. Happy to. It could be either of us asking or either of us running the errand. If you choose to not ask, you give up the right to be bitter because you have to do it on your own. At that point you can fall back into your cycle of feeling like you are doing it all on your own.


Running a home is a ledger account with many, many entries. I would suggest before you invent terms like 'invisible labor' maybe you should invent terms like 'invisible accountant' or 'invisible investment advisory'. There are likely things that your spouse does that he or she feels they do on their own. You are in it together. If you feel like somebody isn't pulling their load, maybe talk with them about it and get their perspective.

Finally, yes - if somebody works 60+ hours a week and makes 80% or more of the money, they should get some slack on the chores. That slides in either direction, man or woman. If I brought home 20% and worked 20 hours a week, you'd better believe that I would feel responsibility to do more to keep the household moving.

No, sorry, I do all the finances, both short and long term; fix the toilets and the computers; do all the meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking; all the laundry; everything for the kids. My spouse's perspective is that he thinks I'm happy to spend my evenings doing all this, otherwise I'd just sit down and spend hours surfing the iPad like he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do plenty to help at my house. I also don't keep score of all the things that I do such as pay all of the bills, manage the finances, keep track of all of the things that get done like the lawn, the outside of the house, the garbage, etc.

I also do a bunch of the cooking, 60% at least. That said, even when I am loading the dishwasher, I get evaluated to see if it was done correctly. Even if I load it, and unload it - god forbid the forks aren't turned the 'right' way. Oh, I didn't put my shoes away? Giving me a big huff as you walk by seems like a perfectly reasonable response. Oh, I don't put my plate in the sink 30 seconds after I am done and let it sit for 5-10 minutes, that seems like a great reason to make a scene by picking it up for me and throwing it loudly in the sink while the kids are around. Oh the housekeeper didn't fold the towels the 'right way'? Going into a tizzy about it for a half hour and ruining the night seems proportional.

I am 50. I don't need a chore chart and I don't need to be evaluated. I certainly don't need a passive aggressive response to everything that I do.

So, yeah. If you want me to do something (in addition to the things that I already do) - -->ASK ME. Don't make me read the list in your mind and expect me to do every task to your satisfaction.

Also don't draw your little guilty cartoon and explain what a bad boy I am being because I do plenty to make things go in our lives in addition to the 60+ hours a week that I work and the 80% of the income that I bring home.

This cartoon is a joke

I lost you at "help."

Would your wife say that she does plenty to "help"?

+1

You "help"? You need someone to "ask" you to "help"?

You are not an equal participant in the running of your household and family life.

I am a DP. No, man not an equal participant or partner, never was and never will be. Modern women have no clue how the male and female brain function and trying to make a man think like a woman. This will never happen. And you will never be happy if you expecting this. That is why the roles for man and woman are different and trying to swap it or equate it will result in twisted relations or divorces.

But then why must I contribute 50% of the household income, if the male is so weak he can't take on 50% of everything else?

[Anonymous]

I confess that I have at times resorted to asking 'how about if i died and these things actually became your responsibility by default? Are you telling me that if you were a widower then our children would never again visit the dentist or get signed up for summer camp or get a new bathing suit? Well then how about we pretend that i died so you can figure it out?"

[Anonymous]

I am female and only sort of agree with the cartoon. There are some things, like making dental appointments for the kids, that DH always does on his own initiative. He does the wash on his own initiative, and at least 50 percent of the cooking. Some things, like making sure the kids have clothes that fit them, are on me.