I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

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05/08/2017 15:21

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. My parents have a good life (money, travel, nice house) but they fought all the time when I was young, and still bicker and pick at each other constantly. They don't seem to like each other a lot of the time, and I've never seen them touch or have intimate moments beyond hugs or perfunctory pecks on the cheek before a business trip or something. The bickering is infuriating to be around and the reason I moved out the minute I could.

My DH and I are both very gentle, kind people. We always try to be nice to each other, always use please and thank you, try to remember that we're on the same team even when we disagree... we also are very cuddly and affectionate. I'm so happy with him and relieved that I can be in this kind of happy, functional relationship.

But if you weren't happy with him, you might bicker too.

Maybe. Or maybe I'd be an adult and either address the root cause of my unhappiness, or end the relationship if I didn't think it was salvageable. Subjecting your kids to 18 years of bickering, resentment, and disrespect is not the right solution, trust me.

So divorce would have been better? Maybe. The root cause of the unhappiness is not resolvable.

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05/08/2017 15:24

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

quote

Anonymous

Your parents certainly model conflict resolution and problem-solving skills as a couple.

As for your personal dynamic with your spouse, I believe that's strongly based on the dynamics you had with your parents as a child. You either seek out that comfort zone (even when it's dysfunctional) or you look for what feels like the opposite.

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05/08/2017 16:58

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. My parents have a good life (money, travel, nice house) but they fought all the time when I was young, and still bicker and pick at each other constantly. They don't seem to like each other a lot of the time, and I've never seen them touch or have intimate moments beyond hugs or perfunctory pecks on the cheek before a business trip or something. The bickering is infuriating to be around and the reason I moved out the minute I could.

My DH and I are both very gentle, kind people. We always try to be nice to each other, always use please and thank you, try to remember that we're on the same team even when we disagree... we also are very cuddly and affectionate. I'm so happy with him and relieved that I can be in this kind of happy, functional relationship.

But if you weren't happy with him, you might bicker too.

Maybe. Or maybe I'd be an adult and either address the root cause of my unhappiness, or end the relationship if I didn't think it was salvageable. Subjecting your kids to 18 years of bickering, resentment, and disrespect is not the right solution, trust me.

So divorce would have been better? Maybe. The root cause of the unhappiness is not resolvable.

What is your deal? Unless you've met my parents, I don't think you're really in a poition to comment on their choices, whether or not their issues were resolvable, nor how their issues shaped my point of view. I was just sharing an example of how sometimes witnessing a bad marriage shows you exactly what to avoid when you get there yourself.

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05/08/2017 17:09

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

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Anonymous

I think we model what we see. MIL lost FIL when FIL was quite young. MIL never remarried, which tells me she had a sh*tty time first go around (either that, or decided she is a lesbian, which is fine). Either way, it is crystal clear she literally has "no use" for men.

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05/08/2017 20:07

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that's why I divorced my cheater while the kids were still little. Did not want them learning that.

+1. I also kicked out a cheater because I did not want either my son or daughter mearning that behavior.

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05/08/2017 20:26

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

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Anonymous

Your odds of divorce decrease significantly if you and your partner come from intact families.

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05/08/2017 20:34

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:What about bastards like me?

Women with absent fathers tend to marry absent husbands. Or at least I did.

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05/08/2017 20:43

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

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Anonymous

My parents both put kids first, and my mom totally dominated my dad, who agreed with her on major things. She stayed at home and he went to work, but she was in charge of the budget.
I got married to a guy who seemed similar to my dad but turned out to be dominating and almost abusive when I had a baby and became dependent on him. So, my guess about him was wrong and most probably we will divorce.
My brother married a woman who is the opposite of my mother- has very little maternal instinct in her, is career oriented, etc. It works for him because he is used to a model where the wife doesn't "take care" or the husband, and where the husband is a good dad. It seems to work for them, though he is a total pushover, she makes him pay for everything until he has very little disposable income left, and spends most of her income on her relatives, her beauty stuff and clothing and such.

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05/08/2017 20:44

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

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Anonymous

Anyone come from a family whose parents were low-conflict and did not divorce but were cold and distant to each other while raising the kids? How did that play out in the children's adult relationships?

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05/08/2017 20:47

Subject: Re:I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:It's true. I married a man who is passive like my dad, and not surprisingly, doesn't fulfill me emotionally or sexually. Thanks mom.

I married a shy passive workaholic city boy, very unlike my athletic, extroverted handyman father.

I will say my husband is VERY like his father.

I'm somewhat like my mother in terms of worrying, speaking mind, social, but I work and she stopped.

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05/08/2017 20:59

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:My parents both put kids first, and my mom totally dominated my dad, who agreed with her on major things. She stayed at home and he went to work, but she was in charge of the budget.
I got married to a guy who seemed similar to my dad but turned out to be dominating and almost abusive when I had a baby and became dependent on him. So, my guess about him was wrong and most probably we will divorce.
My brother married a woman who is the opposite of my mother- has very little maternal instinct in her, is career oriented, etc. It works for him because he is used to a model where the wife doesn't "take care" or the husband, and where the husband is a good dad. It seems to work for them, though he is a total pushover, she makes him pay for everything until he has very little disposable income left, and spends most of her income on her relatives, her beauty stuff and clothing and such.

How are you so in your brother's business that you know how paychecks are spent in his household? Weird.

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05/09/2017 06:41

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that's why I divorced my cheater while the kids were still little. Did not want them learning that.

+1. I also kicked out a cheater because I did not want either my son or daughter learning that behavior.

I didn't realize it, but I learned to be a cheater from my parents, too. Ding, ding, ding. WTF.

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05/09/2017 07:28

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that's why I divorced my cheater while the kids were still little. Did not want them learning that.

+1. I also kicked out a cheater because I did not want either my son or daughter learning that behavior.

I didn't realize it, but I learned to be a cheater from my parents, too. Ding, ding, ding. WTF.

Speaking as a reformed cheater, I definitely learned how to cheat from my parents. It sends a message about the (lack of) value to be placed on upholding your marriage vows when a parent cheats and the other condones it (and no matter what you tell yourself, your kids will perceive staying as having rolled over and accepted the cheating). Both tell you nonverbally that if you are really attracted to someone else, you should go for it and you'll probably get away with it.

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05/09/2017 07:37

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that's why I divorced my cheater while the kids were still little. Did not want them learning that.

+1. I also kicked out a cheater because I did not want either my son or daughter learning that behavior.

I didn't realize it, but I learned to be a cheater from my parents, too. Ding, ding, ding. WTF.

Speaking as a reformed cheater, I definitely learned how to cheat from my parents. It sends a message about the (lack of) value to be placed on upholding your marriage vows when a parent cheats and the other condones it (and no matter what you tell yourself, your kids will perceive staying as having rolled over and accepted the cheating). Both tell you nonverbally that if you are really attracted to someone else, you should go for it and you'll probably get away with it.

(I'm the WTF poster above).

How much do kids KNOW if they don't actually KNOW? I didn't know as a child that my parents had cheated (but I believe that it affected me, but I can't pinpoint anything). I am not sure that my children know I cheated. But they sure as hell knew something was wrong. Did I block stuff out or were my parents really good at hiding it?

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05/09/2017 07:37

Subject: I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, that's why I divorced my cheater while the kids were still little. Did not want them learning that.

+1. I also kicked out a cheater because I did not want either my son or daughter mearning that behavior.

But unless you have 100% custody they are most likely going to be with them 50% of the time. My exDW was a cheat so I understand the urge to kick em to the curb. But I don't think that this the outcome you'll get.