I read on here that a parent's marriage often shapes those of their children

[Anonymous]

Is that true in your case? And if you have siblings, is their marriage success or failure similar to yours? That is, they picked up the same lessons you did?

[Anonymous]

What about bastards like me?

[Anonymous]

Of course it is. Just like dieting, exercising, religious, political beliefs will all be influenced by those that raise you.

[Anonymous]

It is shaped by my parents but kind of like, in direct opposition. My parents had a crappy marriage, my mom had a crappy remarriage and as a result I cultivate my marriage like a garden.

They were always screaming at each other and had so much resentment. I never let us simmer in anger at each other. We always talk things out calmly and relatively quickly. I try to keep working on our marriage at the forefront of both of our minds, even with little kids.

That's all basically as a direct result of watching my parents, but I'm not repeating history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is shaped by my parents but kind of like, in direct opposition. My parents had a crappy marriage, my mom had a crappy remarriage and as a result I cultivate my marriage like a garden.

They were always screaming at each other and had so much resentment. I never let us simmer in anger at each other. We always talk things out calmly and relatively quickly. I try to keep working on our marriage at the forefront of both of our minds, even with little kids.

That's all basically as a direct result of watching my parents, but I'm not repeating history.

My siblings...my brother has a girlfriend and a kid with her. They seem to have an alright relationship but he definitely coops things up and she is kind of domineering. My other brother is kind of a permanent bachelor. I hesitate to even comment on the first brother's relationship though because I am a firm believer that no one really knows what's happening in a relationship except the people in it, and maybe the people living with you, but mostly just the two people in the trenches.

[Anonymous]

If you grew up in a home with parents who were happily married it's something you aspire to have. And, you likely learned a lot about what it takes to have a happy marriage. My parents were happily married for almost 65 years and my DH and I are at close to 39 years and we are very happy. our three kids know that we are still crazy about one another and that has to be helpful in their own marriages. In fact, all of their spouses come from families where the parents have all been married 35+ years.

[Anonymous]

Don't be a fool believing what you read on here. This place is not reality based.

We all make our own choices. The majority here, if you believe them, have shitty marriages. No reflection on anyone but themselves.

My siblings have all been divorced multiple times. My mother was divorced then widowed. I am the only one married to the same spouse.

My kids are divorced, my siblings kids are all divorced or unmarried.

[Anonymous]

My marriage is absolutely nothing like the marriages of either my parents or my husband' parents. The three are not in the slightest reminiscent of each other.

[Anonymous]

I agree. I think healthy relationships are learned easiest from watching your parent's marriage. Yes you can learn from other places as well: books, experiences and therapy.

[Anonymous]

It is absolutely true in the sense that the children will either learn lessons from the parents' marriage or repeat the parents' mistakes.

My parents had a terrible marriage. My father was extremely physically, verbally and financially abusive to my mother and to us. My mother was verbally and physically abusive to us kids. It was all just a terribly unhappy train wreck.

My brother has sworn off marriage all together, and that is a good thing. He is a terrible boyfriend. Unfaithful and sometimes, I suspect he is physically abusive too. He is just like my father in that he is predatory and chooses women whose low earning potential and low education mean they cannot easily leave him.

My younger sister (28) has very low self-esteem and relationships. She chases men and is constantly trying to wine and dine them to keep them. In many ways, she acts like the man in the relationship and her relationships are often very uneven. Her boyfriends typically seem indifferent to her, while she seems very into them. She reminds me of my mother in that way.

My other sister is only 20, so her relationships have yet to really be seen. I do worry about her a bit though.

I used to be volatile with commitment issues until I went to therapy. I cheated and was verbally abusive and often deliberately kept my boyfriends on eggshells regarding whether I would stay or go. Now, I am in a very loving marriage and have mostly unlearned the negative impact of my parents. It took cutting my parents off and keeping the rest of my family at arm's length to finally find enough mental peace to be in a healthy relationship.

[Anonymous]

my parents were best friends and true partners in marriage. i am single, and apparently seeking perfection. so...

[Anonymous]

Like some PPs, DH and I learned what we didn't want in marriage from our parents' marriages.

[Anonymous]

As time goes on, I think I sought out someone like my mom and she sought out someone like her dad.

In neither case was this a good idea.

Maybe there's something to that "model a good marriage for the benefit of your kids" thing. Too bad we're not doing that right now.

[Anonymous]

Yes, that's why I divorced my cheater while the kids were still little. Did not want them learning that.

[Anonymous]

My parents had a great marriage. My DHs parents have a great marriage. Of our siblings, all 5 have now been happily married for 10-20 years and have great spouses. I do think there's something to be said for growing up with a model of a loving, healthy relationship.

(It's no guarantee though. One of my brothers divorced after marrying young and later being cheated on. That was ages ago though, and he's long been happily married to someone else).