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[quote=Anonymous]DH of 10:18 posting here.

I've had trouble my entire life with time and priority management, I can focus all day long on trivial things that interest me, but somedays have an almost impossible time keeping my focus and energy on things I know are the most important. Even if these are trivial things like - take out the dog, finish washing the dishes, remember to email that document, can feel like impossible tasks to get too or complete in light of my whole day. I'm a chronic people pleaser, so I always want to say yes to events or projects, even though I often know that I probably can't do it. I'm terrible at estimating how long most projects take because, while I might be on the money that installing the new cabinet drawers will take 4 hours, I forget to factor in the extra hour I need to cut the blocking, the 2 hours I'll spend going to the hardware store to find the screws I forgot I needed, and the fact that my DS will only take a 45 minute nap that day, and DW will be out running errands so I'll need to watch him while I'm trying to finish the cabinets.

All of these things can pile up, and I will feel like I'm just constantly nagged by everyone around me, that no matter how much I accomplish, there's some secret list of things I never realized I needed to do in everyone else's head. At it's worst, it can lead me to feeling like a victim of my circumstances: the world around me is out to make sure I NEVER get ahead, I'm unfairly judged on the amount of time things take me, and it's because I live in a city full of (and am married too) over-achiever's who don't understand that "normal" people like me aren't interested in living off a calendar and I like to take my time to make sure things are "perfect" when I do projects.

The feeling described above is what, IMHO, often keeps me from actually dealing with the core issues of time management, and doing what I say I'll do. I would bet that most of you married to men similar to me, also deal with the repercussions of this perspective and it's probably one of the things that really gets you frustrated. I know my DW has. If I think I'm the victim of my circumstances, that makes me automatically defensive and combative when you remind me about something I forgot, or ask how much longer I'll be working. It means that deep down, I don't think I need to change and the problem is external. By choosing to be a victim of circumstance, I'm forfeiting my agency to change how I react to and deal with the world around me, forgoing ever having to do the hard work of change ("that's just the way I am") and maintaining a sort of weird control of these situations by choosing to fail before ever embarking on the task. It fits the narrative that I've built myself, and even though it's destructive to relationships and situations around me, it feels safe because it's where I've lived for so long.

I think in the past few years, we've finally been able to have more open conversations about this, and that's helped a lot. Some of this is my DW having the patience to listen and try to understand where I'm coming from, but it's also me intentionally putting down my defenses so that I can actually hear what she's saying (which is really hard for me, but definitely necessary). She's helped me realize I'm NOT a victim of my circumstances, and that actually, I can make a  changes that will help improve how I prioritize tasks and manage my time. It also means that I might realize that my DW isn't trying to scold me or nag me about those dishes, they just need to get done, and she's trying to help me remember that THAT task is what's important, rather than me spending the rest of the night trying to fix a door handle that I noticed was crooked but really doesn't matter at the moment that it gets "fixed". It's taken lots of hard conversations to get to where we are now, and I still have long way to go. I've never taken medication to address these issues, my mom was always trying to find something to treat what she thought was ADD (and it probably is) when I was growing up, but I just hated the thought of relying on medication. In hindsight, it might have helped, but it also might not be the answer.

Not really sure how helpful this post will be to all you frustrated spouses, but I'm hoping it will give you a perspective on why he's being so defensive, or why he always promises to get better and never does. Obviously, everyone's different, and the whole being perceived as a victim thing may not actually be an issue for some, but I think it really complicates the problem for a lot of folks.

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