Does it baffle you that your spouse came from your ILs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I find I harbor such irritation and disdain for my in-laws because I channel my irritation with my husband in their direction, if that makes sense. My DH is awesome, but like anyone, he has some serious flaws, and instead of blaming him for them, i blame his parents.

+YES. I do this too. I blame my DH for being the way he is because my MIL was/is so disinterested as a parent.

[Anonymous]

MIL is OK. FIL is insufferable. MIL agrees.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that no DHs are posting about this. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

No. As a scientist, I see how different traits in our parents were inherited by my husband and I, and, in turn, passed down to our children. Things like ADHD, Aspie tendencies, and on my side of the family, anxiety.
Being down-to-earth or dreamy, people-pleasing or self-centered, are all facets of our personalities influenced by how our brains work. So the social anxiety goes with people-pleasing and sensitivity. The Asperger tendencies come with independence and social cluelessness.

[Anonymous]

No it does not baffle me. No one them can communicate effectively and his dad was not there to parent, just occasional playtime. His mom ran the show, unfortunately I learned this all too late to find him father figure role models.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've known my husband 17 years. My ILs' peculiar behaviors have become more pronounced and irritating as they have aged. My husband will be the first to comment on how their behavior has gotten so much worse over the years. They'll do something ridiculous and he'll say "I don't understand. They never used to be like this." But because they are not my family of origin, I could see the behavior in its tamer forms years ago when he didn't notice it at all because he was just used to them being them. But now, time and distance have intervened and he's often left astounded by the things they do.

+1

[Anonymous]

I generally love my MIL. She has really been there for me and is a wonderful grandmother. Howeve, she is getting crazier with age. She bought my 14-year old a matchbox car for his birthday last week. She did this big lead in like he had to guess what it was.

Sometimes I see my ILs traits in DH, but he is a much more adventurous and curious person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I find I harbor such irritation and disdain for my in-laws because I channel my irritation with my husband in their direction, if that makes sense. My DH is awesome, but like anyone, he has some serious flaws, and instead of blaming him for them, i blame his parents.

yeah, I do some of that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've known my husband 17 years. My ILs' peculiar behaviors have become more pronounced and irritating as they have aged. My husband will be the first to comment on how their behavior has gotten so much worse over the years. They'll do something ridiculous and he'll say "I don't understand. They never used to be like this." But because they are not my family of origin, I could see the behavior in its tamer forms years ago when he didn't notice it at all because he was just used to them being them. But now, time and distance have intervened and he's often left astounded by the things they do.

+1

+2

Good on him for owning it. That says a lot of great things about your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it does not baffle me. No one them can communicate effectively and his dad was not there to parent, just occasional playtime. His mom ran the show, unfortunately I learned this all too late to find him father figure role models.

+1

This is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it makes total sense. He has his father's gentle nature, patience, and sense of duty. His stoicism/lack of sharing is a reaction to his mother's gregarious, small town, wants to know your business personality.

This! We are not only a product of our parents, we are also a subconscious REACTION to them, even if we love our parents very much or don't spend much time thinking about how we are different.

You're taking your MILs traits and your husband's traits at face value, you can't connect the two dots and you find it confusing. It's not. It is just more complex than you understand.

Agree with this. I see several of my DH's personality traits as reactionary in this very way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it makes total sense. He has his father's gentle nature, patience, and sense of duty. His stoicism/lack of sharing is a reaction to his mother's gregarious, small town, wants to know your business personality.

This! We are not only a product of our parents, we are also a subconscious REACTION to them, even if we love our parents very much or don't spend much time thinking about how we are different.

You're taking your MILs traits and your husband's traits at face value, you can't connect the two dots and you find it confusing. It's not. It is just more complex than you understand.

Agree with this. I see several of my DH's personality traits as reactionary in this very way.

Meant to add: I actually like my ILs overall, so this shouldn't be interpreted to mean that I think his parents were bad parents or are bad people.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Although I agree with posters who said as DH gets older he takes on some of their traits, and I also blame his parents for some of his flaws.

Examples: MIL and FIL, MIL especially, are so incredibly helpless. They don't deal with their own problems- everything becomes a large family crisis. I cringe when I see DH pulling the helpless victim card. I also blame MIL for DH's lack of ability to handle emotions well and lack of cleanliness. MIL "doesn't do" emotions. As a child, she scolded her kids for crying or being unable to express what they were feeling. MIL also was a spoiled princess who never did any domestic housework or cooking. I CANNOT STAND how this has manifested in DH (and siblings). They don't clean up after themselves. Always waiting for someone else to do it, since growing up, there was always paid help cleaning up and cooking.

Sigh.