Does it baffle you that your spouse came from your ILs?

[Anonymous]

My MIL has been in town, and I am at my limit. Among many other judgy things, she is at her core, the least interesting person I have ever met. Other than raising some very devoted kids, she has done nothing with her life and blames all ills on her very nice husband. She tells long, rambling stories about other people's lives. She behaves like she just emerged from a cave after 40 years. Everything is met with a "that's different." (No, it's actually not different, woman. What you are remarking on is, in fact, very common in modern life). She believes that I should have a homemade meal on the table every night, even though DH works from home, and I commute 45 mins. Oh, and I am the primary earner, but she remarks about my job like it's a cute hobby.

I am most baffled by how my husband, with vast interests and wanderlust and kindness and a million other wonderful characteristics, was raised by this woman and turned out the way he did. Why is it so common to love our spouses and hate our in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I find I harbor such irritation and disdain for my in-laws because I channel my irritation with my husband in their direction, if that makes sense. My DH is awesome, but like anyone, he has some serious flaws, and instead of blaming him for them, i blame his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I find I harbor such irritation and disdain for my in-laws because I channel my irritation with my husband in their direction, if that makes sense. My DH is awesome, but like anyone, he has some serious flaws, and instead of blaming him for them, i blame his parents.

Hmm, I hadn't considered that, but now that I think about it, when she is around, he irritates me more because I see some of her mannerisms in him- the ones that I don't like.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My inlaws (MIL and stepdad) are of average intelligence at best, and not very sophisticated, while my husband is one of the smartest people I've ever met and just savvy about life in general. Whereas my husband is really invested in equal parenting and making sure my career advances, my inlaws, like yours, treat my job like a cute hobby and turn to me as the default for everything related to the kids even when it's something my husband or our nanny handles (in fact, they actually refuse to understand/acknowledge that we need FT child care...). They make rude and hurtful comments about my appearance (which btw I'm not overweight and look much better than either of them did at my age, much less now... good God), while my husband would never dream of making a rude comment about someone else's appearance (even if it were true).

Basically they're terrible and I dread being in their company, awaiting whatever awkward or offensive thing they will say next. All I can say is that learning to deal with them must have helped shape my husband into the kind, adaptable person he is today. Yeeesh. It's completely baffling.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think it's an old person thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think it's an old person thing.

Yes, a sentence sure to be visited upon you unless you meet an untimely death!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think it's an old person thing.

Yes, a sentence sure to be visited upon you unless you meet an untimely death!

NP. Um, yeah, nobody said otherwise. But it's true. Why is it OK to comment on baby things or toddler things or teenager things, or even midlife or menopausal things, but god forbid you point out an old person thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I think it's an old person thing.

Yes, a sentence sure to be visited upon you unless you meet an untimely death!

NP. Um, yeah, nobody said otherwise. But it's true. Why is it OK to comment on baby things or toddler things or teenager things, or even midlife or menopausal things, but god forbid you point out an old person thing!

I've noticed that with most people, any bad habits and qualities get amplified as they get older. Old people just don't care as much about social graces or adapting to their environment and compromising. Of course, there are exceptions to this, but for every easygoing old person, I could name 10 who are set in their ways.

[Anonymous]

Not at ALL. He is just as warm as they are. When I picture them smiling, I see him smiling. They all love a good joke and can love to laugh. Both his parents cook, and he's an amazing cook.

[Anonymous]

No, it makes total sense. He has his father's gentle nature, patience, and sense of duty. His stoicism/lack of sharing is a reaction to his mother's gregarious, small town, wants to know your business personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it makes total sense. He has his father's gentle nature, patience, and sense of duty. His stoicism/lack of sharing is a reaction to his mother's gregarious, small town, wants to know your business personality.

This! We are not only a product of our parents, we are also a subconscious REACTION to them, even if we love our parents very much or don't spend much time thinking about how we are different.

You're taking your MILs traits and your husband's traits at face value, you can't connect the two dots and you find it confusing. It's not. It is just more complex than you understand.

[Anonymous]

I didn't see it at the time, but after we divorced, my ex is totally his parents. It's disgusting. Only difference is, he pretends to be liberal and progressive but is actually sexist and closeted homophobe. I see it SO clearly now.

[Anonymous]

I've known my husband 17 years. My ILs' peculiar behaviors have become more pronounced and irritating as they have aged. My husband will be the first to comment on how their behavior has gotten so much worse over the years. They'll do something ridiculous and he'll say "I don't understand. They never used to be like this." But because they are not my family of origin, I could see the behavior in its tamer forms years ago when he didn't notice it at all because he was just used to them being them. But now, time and distance have intervened and he's often left astounded by the things they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not at ALL. He is just as warm as they are. When I picture them smiling, I see him smiling. They all love a good joke and can love to laugh. Both his parents cook, and he's an amazing cook.

Stop trying to derail this thread by posting examples of functional relationships. U R supposed to hate your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it makes total sense. He has his father's gentle nature, patience, and sense of duty. His stoicism/lack of sharing is a reaction to his mother's gregarious, small town, wants to know your business personality.

This! We are not only a product of our parents, we are also a subconscious REACTION to them, even if we love our parents very much or don't spend much time thinking about how we are different.

You're taking your MILs traits and your husband's traits at face value, you can't connect the two dots and you find it confusing. It's not. It is just more complex than you understand.

Love this theory! My in-laws are chaotic people pleasers but my husband is patient, level-headed, and decisive. I always wondered how he turned out so well but now it all makes sense.