Does it baffle you that your spouse came from your ILs?

[Anonymous]

It baffles me.

I generally like my in-laws....but FIL is a chain smoking OCD hoarder who hasn't ever been on a plane to visit us. Hasn't been on a plane in 20 years.

MIL is sweet, but acts like she's Jesus' right-hand lady. Is always voicing that she's concerned about what other people are thinking of her. Lady, they're not thinking of you at all. Relax.

DH is NOTHING like them. It's remarkable.

[Anonymous]

I know this seems hard to believe, but, in many cases, the older you get the more like his/her parents your spouse will get. Your spouse might seem very different from them now, but over time you will see the similar underlying traits and characteristics.

[Anonymous]

yes. they are so dysfunctional. the more time he spends away from them the more he is overwhelmed and shocked by their lives.

[Anonymous]

I see similar mannerisms/tone of voice, but DH is quite liberal, whereas MIL/her boyfriend/DH's brothers are very, very conservative. Plus they're racist, and I am not white. They're here right now. It's a good time all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it makes total sense. He has his father's gentle nature, patience, and sense of duty. His stoicism/lack of sharing is a reaction to his mother's gregarious, small town, wants to know your business personality.

This! We are not only a product of our parents, we are also a subconscious REACTION to them, even if we love our parents very much or don't spend much time thinking about how we are different.

You're taking your MILs traits and your husband's traits at face value, you can't connect the two dots and you find it confusing. It's not. It is just more complex than you understand.

Love this theory! My in-laws are chaotic people pleasers but my husband is patient, level-headed, and decisive. I always wondered how he turned out so well but now it all makes sense.

Yes, I am the first PP. My husband learned early on that the more personal info he gives, the more his mother will dissect it with her friends. She's a good person and he loves her, but he is wary of sharing personal information and emotion. It's actually the biggest issue in our (happy, functional) marriage - communication. His mother talks endlessly, and is the gossipiest person I know. I know it is partially his innate personality to be a bit closed off, but I see the yin and yang in he and his mom. She loves me because she's heard more about what's going on in his life since I came into it than she has ever heard since he left home. Every tidbit he shares with her (got a new boss at work, friend got engaged, whatever) leads to a barrage of questions, advice, and stories.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't baffle me at all. I totally understand how DH became the person he did due to his parents and extended family. I can see traits and characteristics that they all share, but in many ways, my DH developed habits or traits that are polar opposite. I have no doubt DH developed those traits in direct response to his family because those are the things that he still dislikes about his own family.

I suspect he can say the same about me and my family.

[Anonymous]

When I am around my husband's parents, I see the traits and habits in THEM which drive me up the WALL about HIM. But I cannot say anything out loud to him without condemning all of them. So, I am extra-perturbed.

For example, in a group, he can get overly loud, jocular, almost trying TOO HARD. But I can kind of get over it when it's just he. But when they are all together? Forget it. They are ALL like this. The other sister-in-law and I can never get a word in edgewise, and we're not shrinking violets. It is like total pandemonium.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it makes total sense. He has his father's gentle nature, patience, and sense of duty. His stoicism/lack of sharing is a reaction to his mother's gregarious, small town, wants to know your business personality.

This! We are not only a product of our parents, we are also a subconscious REACTION to them, even if we love our parents very much or don't spend much time thinking about how we are different.

You're taking your MILs traits and your husband's traits at face value, you can't connect the two dots and you find it confusing. It's not. It is just more complex than you understand.

Love this theory! My in-laws are chaotic people pleasers but my husband is patient, level-headed, and decisive. I always wondered how he turned out so well but now it all makes sense.

Yes, I am the first PP. My husband learned early on that the more personal info he gives, the more his mother will dissect it with her friends. She's a good person and he loves her, but he is wary of sharing personal information and emotion. It's actually the biggest issue in our (happy, functional) marriage - communication. His mother talks endlessly, and is the gossipiest person I know. I know it is partially his innate personality to be a bit closed off, but I see the yin and yang in he and his mom. She loves me because she's heard more about what's going on in his life since I came into it than she has ever heard since he left home. Every tidbit he shares with her (got a new boss at work, friend got engaged, whatever) leads to a barrage of questions, advice, and stories.

NP. Similar dynamic with my DH and his mother, except that his mother uses the info he shares with her against him or uses it to manipulate a situation to get something that she wants, which is why my DH is so closed off with her. When she gets nowhere with him, she turns to me to pump me for info, but I don't play along. I'm pleasant and polite and will chat with her about most things, but when she starts with the pointed questions, I get very vague. I'm not going to give her any ammo to use against DH, me or our kids.

[Anonymous]

My DH's mom was very passive aggressive. It dawned on me a while back that he thinks I'm always being passive aggressive, when I'm really being quite direct. We had a big argument about it, and during that argument it became clear to me that he had totally normalized this notion that when someone says one thing, they actually mean another. That's how it was with his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it makes total sense. He has his father's gentle nature, patience, and sense of duty. His stoicism/lack of sharing is a reaction to his mother's gregarious, small town, wants to know your business personality.

This! We are not only a product of our parents, we are also a subconscious REACTION to them, even if we love our parents very much or don't spend much time thinking about how we are different.

You're taking your MILs traits and your husband's traits at face value, you can't connect the two dots and you find it confusing. It's not. It is just more complex than you understand.

Love this theory! My in-laws are chaotic people pleasers but my husband is patient, level-headed, and decisive. I always wondered how he turned out so well but now it all makes sense.

Yes, I am the first PP. My husband learned early on that the more personal info he gives, the more his mother will dissect it with her friends. She's a good person and he loves her, but he is wary of sharing personal information and emotion. It's actually the biggest issue in our (happy, functional) marriage - communication. His mother talks endlessly, and is the gossipiest person I know. I know it is partially his innate personality to be a bit closed off, but I see the yin and yang in he and his mom. She loves me because she's heard more about what's going on in his life since I came into it than she has ever heard since he left home. Every tidbit he shares with her (got a new boss at work, friend got engaged, whatever) leads to a barrage of questions, advice, and stories.

NP. Similar dynamic with my DH and his mother, except that his mother uses the info he shares with her against him or uses it to manipulate a situation to get something that she wants, which is why my DH is so closed off with her. When she gets nowhere with him, she turns to me to pump me for info, but I don't play along. I'm pleasant and polite and will chat with her about most things, but when she starts with the pointed questions, I get very vague. I'm not going to give her any ammo to use against DH, me or our kids.

That's really tough. At least my MIL doesn't use information "against" us. The one time my MIL really did something that bothered me was when I shared with her that prior to meeting DH, I had a broken engagement. She made a snarky comment about it while we were planning our wedding, and I resented her for it for a while. I don't even remember exactly what it was. Since then, she's been more tactful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I find I harbor such irritation and disdain for my in-laws because I channel my irritation with my husband in their direction, if that makes sense. My DH is awesome, but like anyone, he has some serious flaws, and instead of blaming him for them, i blame his parents.

I do this too - I blame everything I hate about my husband on my mother-in-law, even though she's never been anything but sweet to me. I can't stand his brothers, either. I guess I blame his father, too - probably more so - but he died shortly after our wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I am around my husband's parents, I see the traits and habits in THEM which drive me up the WALL about HIM. But I cannot say anything out loud to him without condemning all of them. So, I am extra-perturbed.

For example, in a group, he can get overly loud, jocular, almost trying TOO HARD. But I can kind of get over it when it's just he. But when they are all together? Forget it. They are ALL like this. The other sister-in-law and I can never get a word in edgewise, and we're not shrinking violets. It is like total pandemonium.

did i write this?? crazy- my exact situation with DH

[Anonymous]

heh, my husband reacted to his hippy-dippy, anything goes, spiritual, crunchy, emotional rollercoaster, moody parents by becoming the buttoned-up, ambitious Republican who instinctively suppresses emotion and anything woo. And it gets worse when they're around - so uptight and tense and grouchy. dh seriously needs some therapy to let it go a bit. I actually find his parents quite charming but it would have sucked to be their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:heh, my husband reacted to his hippy-dippy, anything goes, spiritual, crunchy, emotional rollercoaster, moody parents by becoming the buttoned-up, ambitious Republican who instinctively suppresses emotion and anything woo. And it gets worse when they're around - so uptight and tense and grouchy. dh seriously needs some therapy to let it go a bit. I actually find his parents quite charming but it would have sucked to be their kid.

Is your husband the Michael J. Fox character from Family Ties, by any chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:heh, my husband reacted to his hippy-dippy, anything goes, spiritual, crunchy, emotional rollercoaster, moody parents by becoming the buttoned-up, ambitious Republican who instinctively suppresses emotion and anything woo. And it gets worse when they're around - so uptight and tense and grouchy. dh seriously needs some therapy to let it go a bit. I actually find his parents quite charming but it would have sucked to be their kid.

Is your husband the Michael J. Fox character from Family Ties, by any chance?

basically.