Physical abuse from IL???

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll or have dementia herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't go to all the family events. Let DH go on his own.

Now that you know what MIL does, don't get too close to her no matter what she says. Watch her arms like a hawk and be ready to dodge. Dress in multiple layers, like a thick sweater or jacket over a long sleeved blouse, so if she does grab you, you have some protection. Same for dressing DD.

In the summer, tell her you and DD have poison ivy.

LOL. Poison ivy? Sometimes this place makes me crack up. Just tell her to stop. And stop being so dramatic.

PP here. You got my point.

[Anonymous]

I had an abusive boyfriend like this. He was a pillar of the community and nobody would have believed me. He always harmed me "lovingly," whether it was grabbing my arm to protect me while we crossed the street or biting me in the heat of passion during sex. It was abuse and he did it all deliberately.

On the other hand, my 90-year-old grandmother is 4'9" and weighs maybe 100 pounds, and she delivers a hug that feels like she could break your ribs. We all joke about her "death grip" but it really does hurt when she grips you around the waist just to be close and show affection.

Anyway, I believe you, OP. Unfortunately you can't break up with your mother-in-law like I broke up with my boyfriend; you'll have to live with her like we all live with my grandmother. You should do whatever you must to protect your child, though, so I would definitely have a talk with her. MIL's feelings are not more important than your child's sense of safety around her own grandmother.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be very careful on the next visit and try to be objective.

[Anonymous]

I believe you OP and don't like that she's moving on to your DD.

Forget the 'file a report' business; I think that's why some PPs have dismissed you as dramatic.

I'm not sure what I'd do, but I would be like a hawk when my DD was there and would not let my DD go with DH unattended. Now some people may think that's dramatic, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it with my DH--just go when DD goes; he won't even notice.

I had to do that in a different scenario--the scenario of FIL getting tipsy and driving and everyone "not noticing." It didn't rise to the level of blowing the family apart with a call to the police--and I'm not sure in all cases he was tipsy--but he had a general habit that made me wary. No way was I having my kids in that car. I just always had a reason to be with the kids when the car was involved.

fyi when your DD gets older you can discuss this situation. I explained the situation to my kids. One day DH and FIL were going somewhere with the kids and I was staying home, and I also had DH agree that DH would drive. My DD came running back into the house to whisper, "Mom, grandpa's driving!" So I fixed that issue, but my point is, I'm so glad that I told my kids. When a DH (or anyone) is ignoring a problem or minimizing a problem, they may take the path of least resistance when YOU are not there to provide a roadblock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she says "I can't be hurting you" say "And yet, you are." Wrest your arm away, or put your other hand in her grabbing arm and pull her off you. If she doesn't like being manhandled that way, then maybe she'll get your point.

OP, do this only if you want to alienate your MIL, your husband and anyone else who sees you "wrest" yourself away from her. What a wrong response.

OP, I do not mean this next question with any snark, but sincerely: Have you been around many older people, or around older people who are just not very -- for lack of a better term -- aware about their own bodies?

If you are not used to being around elderly people you might not realize that yes, sometimes some of them they do not actually feel that they are gripping your hand or arm tightly or hanging on too long. They may not be aware of other things, too, such as the fact they're speaking very loudly (because they can't hear you as well as they once did, are compensating, and actually cannot hear that they are being unusually loud). Or they might seem to be "in your face" and "violating your personal space" (as some of us might see it) when actually they are just coming closer to you without realizing it, because they are not seeing you as well as they once did or need to be closer to hear you.

I grew up with my grandmother in the home for decades, and knew many of my older relatives well, and what you are describing is not abuse. It's not intentional. Especially if MIL was fairly strong before she started getting older, she may not at all feel that her grip is too tight on others. If you stew and seethe about it you're going to set yourself up for a real rift with your MIL and DH that does not have to happen.

Your MIL has the first of those examples -- a grip she doesn't even realize she is doing. None of these things are meant personally or cruelly and you do acknowledge in your post above that she is fine with you and dotes on your daughter. So please, step back from the language about "physical aggression." She may be a person who only touches or holds onto those with whom she is comfortable, and that's why she does it with you-- she wants your attention. And then she does not realize her grip, and when you've mentioned it, she jokes.

So when she comes up to you to take your arm or shoulder, pre-empt her and take her upper arm in one of your hands, gently, and her hand in your other hand. In short, YOU grasp HER --gently, no "wrenching" like in the stupid advice above -- and then let her lead you to whatever she wanted to show you. If she is holding you too tightly, just say, "Hey, I know I must be tender, but you're hanging on kind of tight there, Sally! Let me hold onto you instead. Now, what about that great recipe you were going to show me?" Comment kindly, then distract and change the topic immediately.

.

AND when Sally pool-poohs OPs comment that it hurts and refuses to release her grasp, which is hurting OP, then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that abuse is overkill for what you describe.

This falls more under the category of unwanted hugs, and you deal with it in the same way. It's fine to speak up and step away if MIL wants to hold your arm/shoulder and you don't like it. Just do it with a smile and keep it light. In other words, be kind.

If MIL is too rough with your daughter you can also speak up. But again, do so in a loving way. There's a big difference between reminding MIL to 'be more gentle with DD' and saying your daughter is being physically abused.

Note that if the word "abuse" even crosses your mind (about the behavior you've described) then keep your mouth shut. Remind yourself that you are too emotional to have a rational conversation at that point. Seriously.

Are you kidding me??

We don't know what exactly is going on here, it may be neurological or it may even be a slight over reaction on the part of the OP. It's also well within the realm of possibility that her MIL could be covertly trying to hurt her or her daughter. Your answer seems to suggest that no one could possibly be abused or hurt by a family member or or in law. Even if the MIL is 70, she could be Joan Crawford, it's a possibility. Mommie dearest anyone? Gaslighting within families denying abuse is common too.

[Anonymous]

I have been bruised multiple times by my mother in law, too. But, she is very passive aggressive towards me and I know (in my heart) she dislikes me. In my case, I'm 99% sure that she is doing it intentional. She grabs my upper arms when she "hugs" me (it's a very weird hug) and gets some obvious sick thrill over me saying "ah" and pulling away. I used to avoid hugging her, but then she went to DH and used it as "proof" that she's putting in all the effort and I'm being "mean" and "avoiding her". I replied and told DH that I avoided her because she purposefully tried to hurt me and I had bruises before as a result, and he said that I was "overly sensitive" and that his mother wouldn't hurt a fly. So, now I wear thick sweaters and jackets even in summer, and she tries to squeeze, but can't get a good grip.

I don't think I'm the only one, either. I remember doing a google search about in-law physical abuse and it's more common than you'd think -- mostly daughter-in-laws physically hurting their mother-in-laws, but the reverse is not unheard of. I think that the difference is that my mother in law thinks it's in bad taste to say something directly. She clearly hates me and is constantly biting her tongue, and so she physically is out of control. I think it's a cultural thing when you can't say how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the negative replies OP. People like them are why people like your MIL get away with this behavior. When she grabs your arm grab hers in response. Worked for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the negative replies OP. People like them are why people like your MIL get away with this behavior. When she grabs your arm grab hers in response. Worked for me.

Agree with this ..everyone excuses my dad as he didn't "mean" it...frustrating beyond belief.