Physical abuse from IL???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is helpful. Maybe I am being dramatic and it is in my head. No, she's never once been outwardly mean to me, and definitely NOT to dd in 8 years. She's always been nice, in fact, spending a lot of time "doteing" on me and DD. But she seems to be physically aggressive with me -- and now that DD is walking faster, with DD too. She doesn't ever grab other people from the wrist or arm to "drag" them across the room constantly. But, like I said, she seems to spend her focus on me so she's not generally dragging anyone across the room. But, I do say ow and stop grabbing me and she won't let go and she laughs at me "I'm a 70 year old woman -- I can't be hurting you."

You sound very dramatic. "Dragging you across the room constantly" You haven't said if you've had a conversation with her about how you would appreciate it if she could stop grabbing you that way. What you've described sounds like you are very fragile.

[Anonymous]

If she says "I can't be hurting you" say "And yet, you are." Wrest your arm away, or put your other hand in her grabbing arm and pull her off you. If she doesn't like being manhandled that way, then maybe she'll get your point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she says "I can't be hurting you" say "And yet, you are." Wrest your arm away, or put your other hand in her grabbing arm and pull her off you. If she doesn't like being manhandled that way, then maybe she'll get your point.

OP, do this only if you want to alienate your MIL, your husband and anyone else who sees you "wrest" yourself away from her. What a wrong response.

OP, I do not mean this next question with any snark, but sincerely: Have you been around many older people, or around older people who are just not very -- for lack of a better term -- aware about their own bodies?

If you are not used to being around elderly people you might not realize that yes, sometimes some of them they do not actually feel that they are gripping your hand or arm tightly or hanging on too long. They may not be aware of other things, too, such as the fact they're speaking very loudly (because they can't hear you as well as they once did, are compensating, and actually cannot hear that they are being unusually loud). Or they might seem to be "in your face" and "violating your personal space" (as some of us might see it) when actually they are just coming closer to you without realizing it, because they are not seeing you as well as they once did or need to be closer to hear you.

I grew up with my grandmother in the home for decades, and knew many of my older relatives well, and what you are describing is not abuse. It's not intentional. Especially if MIL was fairly strong before she started getting older, she may not at all feel that her grip is too tight on others. If you stew and seethe about it you're going to set yourself up for a real rift with your MIL and DH that does not have to happen.

Your MIL has the first of those examples -- a grip she doesn't even realize she is doing. None of these things are meant personally or cruelly and you do acknowledge in your post above that she is fine with you and dotes on your daughter. So please, step back from the language about "physical aggression." She may be a person who only touches or holds onto those with whom she is comfortable, and that's why she does it with you-- she wants your attention. And then she does not realize her grip, and when you've mentioned it, she jokes.

So when she comes up to you to take your arm or shoulder, pre-empt her and take her upper arm in one of your hands, gently, and her hand in your other hand. In short, YOU grasp HER --gently, no "wrenching" like in the stupid advice above -- and then let her lead you to whatever she wanted to show you. If she is holding you too tightly, just say, "Hey, I know I must be tender, but you're hanging on kind of tight there, Sally! Let me hold onto you instead. Now, what about that great recipe you were going to show me?" Comment kindly, then distract and change the topic immediately.

I do understand the concern, if she left bruises on your DD. Did you show your husband those bruises? If you did, were you accusatory and upset or angry, or did you approach it as, "Hey, please take a look-- are those bruises? Yes? OK. Your mom was holding her there. I know your mom didn't do anything on purpose but I wonder if maybe she just doesn't realize how strong she is for someone her age." Your DH should be an ally here and should also be concerned if his mom might have any medical issues related to her hands or grip. But if you talk about "abuse" when there is none, he will not take you seriously later if you or DD does get bruised unintentionally by his mom.

Most important of all -- she is not some toxic MIL who is a harpy. You seem to like her and she is nice, by your own admission. Please do not let this one thing turn into some festering issue. Figure how you'll deal with it and then deal with it each time. As DD gets older, teach her to say to grandma, "Hey, grandma, that's too tight. Let ME hold YOUR hand!" But don't make DD scared of grandma over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she says "I can't be hurting you" say "And yet, you are." Wrest your arm away, or put your other hand in her grabbing arm and pull her off you. If she doesn't like being manhandled that way, then maybe she'll get your point.

+1 Yeah, that's weird. And she doesn't get to decide if she's hurting you or not.

When she grabs you, don't move! Pull your arm away or take her hand off, and say, "That hurts. Please stop." I assume she will not bodily drag you across the room if you stand there and don't walk on your own. And if you see her touching DD the same way, go over, stand in front of her or remove her hand, and say, "That's too tight. Please be more gentle with DD."

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should also examine the nature of your interactions with your MIL. Are you quiet, passive and tend to hang back, not saying much while you're there? If so, maybe MIL is trying to get your attention, and it would help if you were more assertive and acting confidently. When you get there, greet MIL warmly right away, and have your DD do the same. Give her your undivided attention right away for at least a few minutes, and then maybe she won't be coming after you and taking you by the arm to lead you off to show you something. Ask her how she is, say something complimentary to her, have DD give her a drawing or flower and see if things improve.

[Anonymous]

How is she able to grab and physically drag you anywhere? Just don't walk and snatch your arm away.

[Anonymous]

I don't care what her "old lady" excuses are, I would tell her loudly to stop touching me. And if she leaves bruises on my children, she would not be allowed to touch them either. We'll do all the rest of it, smile and follow her around, but we won't be manhandled by anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is helpful. Maybe I am being dramatic and it is in my head. No, she's never once been outwardly mean to me, and definitely NOT to dd in 8 years. She's always been nice, in fact, spending a lot of time "doteing" on me and DD. But she seems to be physically aggressive with me -- and now that DD is walking faster, with DD too. She doesn't ever grab other people from the wrist or arm to "drag" them across the room constantly. But, like I said, she seems to spend her focus on me so she's not generally dragging anyone across the room. But, I do say ow and stop grabbing me and she won't let go and she laughs at me "I'm a 70 year old woman -- I can't be hurting you."

Sorry, OP, but this sounds a bit scary to me. But then Ive been the victim of passive agressive abuse. Listen to your gut. Something is wrong. If she is doing this only to you and making light of it, it just sounds wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is helpful. Maybe I am being dramatic and it is in my head. No, she's never once been outwardly mean to me, and definitely NOT to dd in 8 years. She's always been nice, in fact, spending a lot of time "doteing" on me and DD. But she seems to be physically aggressive with me -- and now that DD is walking faster, with DD too. She doesn't ever grab other people from the wrist or arm to "drag" them across the room constantly. But, like I said, she seems to spend her focus on me so she's not generally dragging anyone across the room. But, I do say ow and stop grabbing me and she won't let go and she laughs at me "I'm a 70 year old woman -- I can't be hurting you."

Sorry, OP, but this sounds a bit scary to me. But then Ive been the victim of passive agressive abuse. Listen to your gut. Something is wrong. If she is doing this only to you and making light of it, it just sounds wrong.

PP here, but the other possibility is this is a sign of dementia. LIke a quirk thats the first sign. I agree she doesnt get to decide what hurts or not. You have to tell your husband to take this seriously. Its a sign of SOMEthing. Sometimes people with dementia exhibit random aggression.

[Anonymous]

Try "Hey! Let go." Loudly.

Or simply remove her hand and tell her you don't need an escort.

My grandpa used to be like that. He didn't clue in to how hard he was gripping people and thought anyone who complained was being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What your MIL used to do? Rock climber or what? She sounds extremely strong for a 70 years old.

Just from my perspective, you sound a bit dramatic and seems like you've already made up your mind that she's trying "to hurt you" and your response "please don't touch me" doesn't sound friendly at all either, but that's just me.

My mom is 77, and does this. She had for years. She was a nurse at a blood bank, so other than honing her fine motor skills on poking People with needles, she had zero other reason to have to have an exceptionally ?strong grasp. It's crazy. I will say, she has always been a little unsteady on her feet (from a childhood illness) and has had a mild inner ear imbalance for years now. My theory: she grabs my arm or shoulder in a "how nice to see you," or "hey, I need to talk to you" manner, but instinctively grabs really hard because she's wobbly.

OR she's just Uber controlling and this is one way to get attention.

But never have I thought "file a report, this is assault!" Op, if my mom hurt my kid with her grasp (esp making him cry), I'd tell her to stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

Dementia makes sense! Her mom and dad both had it and to some extent died of it. Gd forbid, I have to tell my DH this. How would you approach it?

I remember years ago approaching my own dad about memory loads and I was lectured! He couldn't remember where he was driving to! It was scary! He never went to the doctor. And my dad and I are close. There's no way DH is going to be able to tell his mom/dad. They have no issues but they don't talk about serious stuff!

[Anonymous]

Good lord, you have x mouth and all you have to say is, "Mildred, that hurts. Do not do that again."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dementia makes sense! Her mom and dad both had it and to some extent died of it. Gd forbid, I have to tell my DH this. How would you approach it?

I remember years ago approaching my own dad about memory loads and I was lectured! He couldn't remember where he was driving to! It was scary! He never went to the doctor. And my dad and I are close. There's no way DH is going to be able to tell his mom/dad. They have no issues but they don't talk about serious stuff!

One odd behavior does not mean it's dementia. It's a possibility, but there has to be more than that. I think her husband who lives with her will pick up on a pattern eventually. I don!'t think you have to be the one to bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dementia makes sense! Her mom and dad both had it and to some extent died of it. Gd forbid, I have to tell my DH this. How would you approach it?

I remember years ago approaching my own dad about memory loads and I was lectured! He couldn't remember where he was driving to! It was scary! He never went to the doctor. And my dad and I are close. There's no way DH is going to be able to tell his mom/dad. They have no issues but they don't talk about serious stuff!

You're delusional. Yeah, tell your DH his mom has dementia. That'll go over well.