Dating advice...

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:At this age, just keep in mind that dating is a lot more challenging now than in your twenties.

People have more baggage plus are a lot more picky since they have had much more life experience.

Thank you for your comments and you're correct as dating is significantly more challenging these days. While your point is valid regarding "baggage", let me offer that I'm not afraid of such as in my feeble brain "baggage=life's experiences". I was young once (yes, I still remember) and I certainly made my fair share of mistakes. As I stated in a PP, I'm far from perfect; how could I judge someone else for making mistakes? For those of us that are single, we have to assess and decide which mistakes we're willing to live with as there is a difference between a single mom with a couple of kids versus a single lady with no kids that has a history of drug/alcohol abuse.

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:Ahhh OP I think I am your female counterpart. I get it! I stay in a dysfunctional relationship with a man that I judge for not spending enough time with his kids (although it not always to spend more time with me) and who does not share my values.
I stay with him because I fear internet dating. I didn't know you were out there OP!

I think there are more of "us" out there than you may realize as your comments are quite common. IMO, the consummate problem is that folks in their late forties have little, if any, experience with such and have heard the horror stories. Too many times, I have been told from "friends of friends" that while their SO / spouse is not perfect, they will stay where they are as they're deathly afraid of internet dating. Some have even shared that they are at the point of being miserable. From my perspective, when you hit the level of being miserable with anything (job,relationship, etc.), it's time to make a change as life is too short...


L_S

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps, Internet dating isn't for you since you prefer interpersonal contact and it would be hard to perceive online if a woman is a match for your southern charm. Are you looking for someone in your age range? Someone without kids? Someone long-term? Short term?

You seem to have many great qualities and should have no problem finding a suitable partner. You may just have to put yourself out there and get involved in some activities or groups so you can meet new people.

Thank you as well for responding. I'm open to dating ladies with or without kids and I am not hell-bent on age either. My last relationship was with a single mom with three kids and she was in her late thirties. We dated for 4-5 months and the primary reason that I broke up with her was over her poor financial situation and the fact she couldn't manage money. She was making ~$140K working for a large international corp located in DC and yet, was having to drive Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. Another issue that didn't sit well with me was the fact that she was sacrificing spending time with her kids to spend time with me. In my view, kids come first.

I completely agree with you as I'm a bit shocked over the problems I'm having and I'm quickly realizing that internet dating is basically a numbers game; you have to "play if you want to win"... Being a strategic thinker and a long-range type of guy, I'm much more suited for long-term relationships. For example, I was married for 16 years and prior to being married, I was in a relationship for ~9 years.

L_S

,

OP, you suggest you want a partner who values her personal life and relationships as much as her professional life, and you bemoan the fact that DC is full of career-oriented, middle-aged women. Yet, nothing in your comments about your ex-girlfriend is consistent with those values.

You say the ex has a problem managing money because she earns 140K and still needs a second job to make ends meet. You also say the problem is that she spends too much on basic necessities for herself and her three kids and she makes bad decisions such as buying grocery items at CVS instead of a grocery store.

Are you kidding? She's in her late 30s with three kids and a professional job, and you think less of her because she buys grocery items at CVS rather than a grocery store? Did it ever occur to you that she can probably do that on her lunch break and then get an extra hour with her kids or at her career job by skipping the after-work trip to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk every other day? I mean, if she was taking fancy vacations with her girlfriends and had a closet full of $500 shoes, I might agree with you that she has a financial management problem. But when you say that she spends too much on basic needs, I have to wonder where you live and whether your twenty kid-free years of marriage left you out of touch with how expensive it is to raise three kids in DC while holding a professional full-time job and trying to squeeze in time for adult relationships here and there. Paying a convenience surcharge to meet basic needs is a necessity.

Also, are you at all familiar with housing costs in DC proper? As a single parent working in downtown DC, she probably needs to live in DC proper or a very close-in suburb, simply because she needs to be able to get to the kids' school quickly for events and emergencies, get home from work in time for dinner and homework, etc.

Honestly, if you liked her and the primary reason you dumped her was really a combination of her financial situation and the fact that she took time away from kids and work to have a relationship with you, you need to recognize that you are contributing to the DC mentality where women feel overextended and exhausted by the need to balance high-paying careers, kids, and personal relationships. Be honest with yourself. Despite your comments about being Southern and old-school, you are terrified by the prospect of someday being expected to share what you and your late wife built with a life partner who is less financially well-off than you are, aren't you? That's not a moral failing, just don't kid yourself into thinking you are old-school and chivalrous and non-judgmental.

PP again. Just reread this and am concerned that it sounds unnecessarily harsh. My point is simply that, rather than complaining that you keep meeting the "wrong kind of women" online, maybe you need to spend some time figuring out just what the right kind of woman for you would be, and whether your expectations are reasonable.

Please do not apologize as I do not think your response is too harsh, not at all. I elected to bear my soul looking for advice and truth be told, I expected harsher. Let me share for you and others that I have printed the entire thread and have even highlighted various suggestions and comments so that I can read them again (and again). You folks have taken time away from your Spouses/SO/Families to assist with my problem; that said, the very least I can do is devote my time assessing these comments against my situation.

I completely agree with you that I contributed to the "DC Mentality" by dropping her. BL - her financial situation was far more bleak than I shared in my post and further, was more than I was willing to take on. To give you some idea - I was at her house for dinner one night and after we finished eating, I began loading dishes into the dishwasher. She had me stop as it was broken and had been for two years. Her birthday was in a few weeks, so I offered to have a new one installed as a birthday present. She protested for a bit and then finally relented. I'm sure you'd agree that this is a bit much for woman that I had only known for a short while; however, I couldn't imagine raising three kids without a dishwasher. A similar situation occurred when she needed tires for her car. You get the picture... While I consider myself a generous person, there are limits to my generosity. For the sake of argument, let's put the "shoe on the other foot", how long do you think a woman would hang around if I had similar financial problems?

Also, let me digress on your comment about losing what I/we have amassed collectively. After losing my wife, I elected to go into counseling for 6-7 months and I soon realized what's truly important and what isn't. While I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood, have a nice car, wear nice clothes, and have a nice career; it matters not without someone to share it with. So, to answer your question; Y-E-S, I would risk it all to fall in love again as being in love is truly a wonderful feeling. Since you posted anonymously, I'll ask you - have you ever been in love?

L_S

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:You know what, I am flattered by your invitation and tempted to send you a note

But, and I mean this very respectfully, you are probably a bit too old for me. I am 41.

Completely understand your reservations and fully respect such. Let me share that "age is relative" as my last GF was in her late thirties.

L_S

[Anonymous]

OP: I am just about the same age and in just about the same boat as you. Lessons I have come to learn, via online dating, are that I will never have a "love of my life" again and so I have lowered expectations. As others have said, online dating is very superficial and if you don't check every box on someone's list you are done.

The pre-internet model is where I did best: getting to know someone well in a non-dating environment (school, work, hobbies) and once they really knew me, they knew I'm a good man with good values, and then things progressed.

[Anonymous]

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what, I am flattered by your invitation and tempted to send you a note

But, and I mean this very respectfully, you are probably a bit too old for me. I am 41.

Completely understand your reservations and fully respect such. Let me share that "age is relative" as my last GF was in her late thirties.

L_S

I just read your response in the explicit forum and now I begin to question if it is really true that you are having trouble meeting a nice lady! How tall are you?

[Anonymous]

LS, as I have written on here a number of times, men SHOULD NOT DO online dating. Women get messages from anyone with male organs so you are competing with everyone and many of these women get off on the attention.

What should you do? Go to places where there are MORE WOMEN than men - anything cultural. Book clubs, groups at museums and the symphony, ballet, etc. People let their guard down at these places and women generally like a guy with brains who likes music and art. Also, try volunteer work. You will be helping with something and again, usually more women than men. Start today - you will be matched up before you know it.

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what, I am flattered by your invitation and tempted to send you a note

But, and I mean this very respectfully, you are probably a bit too old for me. I am 41.

Completely understand your reservations and fully respect such. Let me share that "age is relative" as my last GF was in her late thirties.

L_S

I just read your response in the explicit forum and now I begin to question if it is really true that you are having trouble meeting a nice lady! How tall are you?

You are too cute!! I wondered how long it was going to take before someone discovered my posting on the other forum. I can honestly say that my bed is as empty as my heart... Quite sad, actually. While I'll admit that I have "skills", I have nobody to practice on. 5'11

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion is to meet people sooner than later when you are online dating. Don't waste a lot of time corresponding -- just set up a time to meet for coffee. If it's awful, you only need to stay for about 20 minutes.

When you converse back and forth for a long time, you create higher expectations -- and then it is easy to be disappointed.

I'm a 51 year old female and have met several nice guys online. I usually write a one or two short messages and then agree to meet for coffee. If someone wants to talk more before meeting, I usually move on (I've made the occasional exception). I want to know that some is willing to meet in person and that they are who they say they are.

I agree sort of but will add that as a woman I appreciate it when men suggest more than coffee. Rather brunch or dinner is better I think. There is just something about a guy willing to take the time and money to find and go out for a meal that endears me a little to him. So if you like the profile a lot, I'd suggest a meal.

[Anonymous]

Revisit your pictures and try to tone down your intensity a bit at the start. You are a terrific writer and throw a lot of yourself into even these short posts. I'm wondering if you come off as needing to get married NOW NOW NOW. There's the saying, "For a woman, it's the right guy; for a man, it's the right time." Some quite suitable women may read your profile and think "he's just looking to get married again, he's not interesting in getting to know *me*." It goes back to what another poster said about replacing your lost love.

I'd ask another man friend to take a look at your profile. He'll let you know if you're yearning too indiscreetly. I've passed over the guy who has pics of himself on his boat, at a Nats game, and in other very specific settings because it's like that's all he's open to. He wants someone to join him at these events only. He fails to convey an openness to creating an "us," and doing things I like to do as well.

Because you're not aiming your wants at me right now as you post, you come off as interesting, thoughtful, and considerate. You're asking more questions and probing, while also being funny. You sound great. If this is how you communicate with the women you connect with, and if this is also how you present yourself on whatever site you use, I think you'll have more to choose from and sound like someone any sane woman would want to get to know. But, if you're putting out a template of the woman and lifestyle you demand, I don't see this situation changing.

Remember, you didn't meet your wife on Day One and say, "please spend the next 30 years with me." You took an interest and gave it room to grow. Try to do more of that here.

Best of luck to you, OP!!

[Anonymous]

L_S I find your post well-written and almost hard to believe your bed is cold. I'm willing to bet you'll find a few PMs here from interested women. Tell us more about yourself. Are you looking for 30,40, 50 something? A type? You may have had trouble prior to your post here....but that could change sooner than you think.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and change your name, if you're using Lonely Sojourner on the dating site(s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh, and change your name, if you're using Lonely Sojourner on the dating site(s).

Oh, and PM me.

[Anonymous]

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what, I am flattered by your invitation and tempted to send you a note

But, and I mean this very respectfully, you are probably a bit too old for me. I am 41.

Completely understand your reservations and fully respect such. Let me share that "age is relative" as my last GF was in her late thirties.

L_S

I just read your response in the explicit forum and now I begin to question if it is really true that you are having trouble meeting a nice lady! How tall are you?

You are too cute!! I wondered how long it was going to take before someone discovered my posting on the other forum. I can honestly say that my bed is as empty as my heart... Quite sad, actually. While I'll admit that I have "skills", I have nobody to practice on. 5'11

Hey you made me smile and added a bounce to my step. This counts as flirting right???

I am a good woman but I need more time to heal. All the best to you though!

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:LS, as I have written on here a number of times, men SHOULD NOT DO online dating. Women get messages from anyone with male organs so you are competing with everyone and many of these women get off on the attention.

What should you do? Go to places where there are MORE WOMEN than men - anything cultural. Book clubs, groups at museums and the symphony, ballet, etc. People let their guard down at these places and women generally like a guy with brains who likes music and art. Also, try volunteer work. You will be helping with something and again, usually more women than men. Start today - you will be matched up before you know it.

These are really good suggestions, I really appreciate your taking the time to write. I'm a bit leary of your comment re:"women generally like a guy with brains who likes music and art". While I'm quite comfortable at cultural events, it's not my strong suit. Try as my mother did to expose us to such as we were growing up, none of us really took to it. To her dismay, I'm sure. Your point is not missed and on that note, I've always wanted to improve my cooking skills, so I think I'll see what Sur La Table has on the schedule. Not to mention, it's far more my speed. Bon Appetit...

L_S