Dating advice...

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I'm so sorry for your loss. Online dating is not for everyone. It's a lot like going to the bars used to be for us. You would go out and see if there was anyone that caught your eye and you would walk over and talk to that person.....maybe you walked away with their number.

Online dating is a lot like that except you don't have to go to the bar. You find a person that is attractive to you and you start a conversation. If its seems to be going well, you exchange numbers and eventually meet in person.

The problem with this is that the entire "transaction" takes much longer than the old way. People may not respond immediately and the initial get to know you can take a week or longer before you decide to finally meet.

The other thing that I've found is that my definition of attractive has changed. Let's me honest....I'm 45. I no longer have perky boobs, rock hard abs, and the youthful glow of an 18yr old. In my mind however, I think that's exactly what I look like . This carries over into what I'm looking for.....I still think I'm looking for that really cute 18yr old guy with the full head of dark hair, the broad shoulders, the swagger that comes with the innocence of youth. Then when I look at a 50+ profile, of course I'm disappointed.

Now at our age, we both know that looks aren't everything. But that's how online dating starts the process. If I were to meet the same man at an event, I would probably happily chat with him. Maybe it will go somewhere and maybe it won't. But by being at an event together, we already have a common platform to springboard the conversation. If we're getting along, it might be natural to continue the conversation after the event is over. And if I don't meet someone at an event, at least I've had a nice night out doing something that I enjoy. But online, it's way to easy just to ignore someone that isn't physically attractive off the bat to you.

I've found that internet dating sucks. I've met one or two people that I've gone out with 4-5x but it just sort of fizzled. My advice is to go to events that you enjoy and just expand your circle of friends. Who knows who you might meet.

I really appreciate your taking the time to respond with such pertinent/detailed information - thank you!!

You are 100% correct in that all of our bodies have aged (albeit gracefully) over time and mine is certainly no exception. If we ever meet IRL, remind me to share the first time that I was naked in front of another woman that wasn't my wife, not the pretty sight that I once was by any stretch. I'm also not the type to chase a 25-30 y.o. chickie as I'm looking for a partner that can call me out when I'm wrong or someone that is not shy about speaking up if they see a better solution to a problem. My (limited) experience is that ladies that young do not possess enough life's experiences. While I have above-average intelligence, I certainly realize that I'm far from perfect and very amenable to other people's views as I do not always see things. I like your idea about expanding my external activities and trying that approach. I love to travel, snow -ski and I also play tennis, so there are enough opportunities to explore possibilities. You are also correct in that internet dating takes a lot longer and is significantly more time consuming. And the consummate problem is that it may/may not work out...

[Anonymous]

At this age, just keep in mind that dating is a lot more challenging now than in your twenties.

People have more baggage plus are a lot more picky since they have had much more life experience.

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I'm so sorry for your loss. Online dating is not for everyone. It's a lot like going to the bars used to be for us. You would go out and see if there was anyone that caught your eye and you would walk over and talk to that person.....maybe you walked away with their number.

Online dating is a lot like that except you don't have to go to the bar. You find a person that is attractive to you and you start a conversation. If its seems to be going well, you exchange numbers and eventually meet in person.

The problem with this is that the entire "transaction" takes much longer than the old way. People may not respond immediately and the initial get to know you can take a week or longer before you decide to finally meet.

The other thing that I've found is that my definition of attractive has changed. Let's me honest....I'm 45. I no longer have perky boobs, rock hard abs, and the youthful glow of an 18yr old. In my mind however, I think that's exactly what I look like . This carries over into what I'm looking for.....I still think I'm looking for that really cute 18yr old guy with the full head of dark hair, the broad shoulders, the swagger that comes with the innocence of youth. Then when I look at a 50+ profile, of course I'm disappointed.

Now at our age, we both know that looks aren't everything. But that's how online dating starts the process. If I were to meet the same man at an event, I would probably happily chat with him. Maybe it will go somewhere and maybe it won't. But by being at an event together, we already have a common platform to springboard the conversation. If we're getting along, it might be natural to continue the conversation after the event is over. And if I don't meet someone at an event, at least I've had a nice night out doing something that I enjoy. But online, it's way to easy just to ignore someone that isn't physically attractive off the bat to you.

I've found that internet dating sucks. I've met one or two people that I've gone out with 4-5x but it just sort of fizzled. My advice is to go to events that you enjoy and just expand your circle of friends. Who knows who you might meet.

I really appreciate your taking the time to respond with such pertinent/detailed information - thank you!!

You are 100% correct in that all of our bodies have aged (albeit gracefully) over time and mine is certainly no exception. If we ever meet IRL, remind me to share the first time that I was naked in front of another woman that wasn't my wife, not the pretty sight that I once was by any stretch. I'm also not the type to chase a 25-30 y.o. chickie as I'm looking for a partner that can call me out when I'm wrong or someone that is not shy about speaking up if they see a better solution to a problem. My (limited) experience is that ladies that young do not possess enough life's experiences. While I have above-average intelligence, I certainly realize that I'm far from perfect and very amenable to other people's views as I do not always see things. I like your idea about expanding my external activities and trying that approach. I love to travel, snow -ski and I also play tennis, so there are enough opportunities to explore possibilities. You are also correct in that internet dating takes a lot longer and is significantly more time consuming. And the consummate problem is that it may/may not work out...

[Anonymous]

Ahhh OP I think I am your female counterpart. I get it! I stay in a dysfunctional relationship with a man that I judge for not spending enough time with his kids (although it not always to spend more time with me) and who does not share my values.
I stay with him because I fear internet dating. I didn't know you were out there OP!

[Anonymous]

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Just going by your post, it appears that you want to fit another woman in the space that your wife left and I would not find that attractive. This is a time to reinvent yourself somewhat (e.g. why live in a 5-bdr house?).

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Based upon my post, I can see why you'd say that I am just looking for another woman to fall in on the existing void. In a matter of speak, I am. Let me ask, since I have already had a great relationship once, should I now lower my standards and just resolve myself to the fact that being in love doesn't strike twice? That I should just accept that relationships of today are void of connection and chemistry? Let me also share that the reason for the large house is for investment purposes. I can explain further via PM, if interested...

L_S

Hi, I am the PP you quoted. Reading your subsequent posts, you actually sound very nice! And I think one PP already expressed the sentiment that it gives me hope that there are decent men like you dating online.

[Anonymous]

She was making ~$140K working for a large international corp located in DC and yet, was having to drive Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. A


This does not make any sense - at many levels

[Anonymous]

OP, there are people you can hire to do the initial on-line dating work for you. It sounds like that might make sense for you to do, since it is the best way to find a large number of like-minded single women, but isn't easy to navigate.

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:
She was making ~$140K working for a large international corp located in DC and yet, was having to drive Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. A


This does not make any sense - at many levels

I completely agree as it made no sense to me either until I began to look into her finances. Being a trained financial analyst, she asked me to take a look at her monthly spending to see if I could assist in some way. Within 10 minutes, it was quite easy for me to assess her problem. She was spending too much for her basic needs. For instance, shopping for last minute groceries at CVS seemed to be the norm versus the exception.

L_S

[Lonely_Sojourner]

Anonymous wrote:

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Just going by your post, it appears that you want to fit another woman in the space that your wife left and I would not find that attractive. This is a time to reinvent yourself somewhat (e.g. why live in a 5-bdr house?).

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Based upon my post, I can see why you'd say that I am just looking for another woman to fall in on the existing void. In a matter of speak, I am. Let me ask, since I have already had a great relationship once, should I now lower my standards and just resolve myself to the fact that being in love doesn't strike twice? That I should just accept that relationships of today are void of connection and chemistry? Let me also share that the reason for the large house is for investment purposes. I can explain further via PM, if interested...

L_S

Hi, I am the PP you quoted. Reading your subsequent posts, you actually sound very nice! And I think one PP already expressed the sentiment that it gives me hope that there are decent men like you dating online.

Thank you again for your comments and for the nice compliments. I'd like to think that I'm nice and fun to hang out with. However, as evidenced by some of these comments, I think that I need to reassess a few things and quite possibly adjust my expectations. Further, I have little doubt that there are a number of decent men out there, just as I am quite certain that there are an equal number of women. The consummate problem is getting them together. On that note, feel free to send one my way!!

L_S

[Anonymous]

You know what, I am flattered by your invitation and tempted to send you a note

But, and I mean this very respectfully, you are probably a bit too old for me. I am 41.

[Anonymous]

My suggestion is to meet people sooner than later when you are online dating. Don't waste a lot of time corresponding -- just set up a time to meet for coffee. If it's awful, you only need to stay for about 20 minutes.

When you converse back and forth for a long time, you create higher expectations -- and then it is easy to be disappointed.

I'm a 51 year old female and have met several nice guys online. I usually write a one or two short messages and then agree to meet for coffee. If someone wants to talk more before meeting, I usually move on (I've made the occasional exception). I want to know that some is willing to meet in person and that they are who they say they are.

[Anonymous]

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:Folks,

Need some advice and this is as good a place as any (I think)... Here we go: My wife of 16 years, died of cancer approximately three years ago and at ripe old age of 49, I have found myself thrust back into the dating scene and hating every minute of it. For those of the younger crowd, let me digress a bit and share that dating ~20 years ago was considerable different than of today. Internet dating was embryonic at best and singles had to rely on their interpersonal skills to find suitable dates/partners (that means actually conversing with someone "eyeball-to-eyeball", not via keyboard). Needless to say, dating has radically changed over the years. And let me share that I think I have a decent package to bring to the table; I'm far from broke as I have an established career (Executive for a large Defense Corporation), I have a 5-bedroom house (with no kids), possess all of my teeth and hair and I'm not on any medication for anything (which as I understand it, is a rarity these days). I am a bit "old-school" and also being raised in the South (Roll Tide!!), I'm a firm believer that chivalry is not dead as I still open doors, assist ladies with their jackets, etc (another rarity, as I understand it).

I thoroughly enjoyed being married and was fortunate enough to marry my best friend as our relationship was nothing short of utopia. We shared everything and while both of us were far from perfect, we never judged each other. I even took this topic to my mom (yes, she's very progressive and doesn't hold back) so as to get a different perspective and her theory is that I'll never be able to find a spouse in the DC area as everyone is focused on a "Career-First, Relationship-Second" model. There is some truth to this just by living in the Nation's Capital and the people that live/work here. Yet, I refuse to believe that all of the single ladies fall into this model. On that note, I continually question myself on what am I doing wrong? Am I the only one having a hard time with internet dating? Is the internet the only way to date or find a spouse these days?

Enough details to assess my situation - fire away...

I'm a woman in a similar situation and would put my relationship first, but I'm still not ready to date yet.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a gem. I am sure there is a lucky lady out there for you!

[Anonymous]

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps, Internet dating isn't for you since you prefer interpersonal contact and it would be hard to perceive online if a woman is a match for your southern charm. Are you looking for someone in your age range? Someone without kids? Someone long-term? Short term?

You seem to have many great qualities and should have no problem finding a suitable partner. You may just have to put yourself out there and get involved in some activities or groups so you can meet new people.

Thank you as well for responding. I'm open to dating ladies with or without kids and I am not hell-bent on age either. My last relationship was with a single mom with three kids and she was in her late thirties. We dated for 4-5 months and the primary reason that I broke up with her was over her poor financial situation and the fact she couldn't manage money. She was making ~$140K working for a large international corp located in DC and yet, was having to drive Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. Another issue that didn't sit well with me was the fact that she was sacrificing spending time with her kids to spend time with me. In my view, kids come first.

I completely agree with you as I'm a bit shocked over the problems I'm having and I'm quickly realizing that internet dating is basically a numbers game; you have to "play if you want to win"... Being a strategic thinker and a long-range type of guy, I'm much more suited for long-term relationships. For example, I was married for 16 years and prior to being married, I was in a relationship for ~9 years.

L_S

,

OP, you suggest you want a partner who values her personal life and relationships as much as her professional life, and you bemoan the fact that DC is full of career-oriented, middle-aged women. Yet, nothing in your comments about your ex-girlfriend is consistent with those values.

You say the ex has a problem managing money because she earns 140K and still needs a second job to make ends meet. You also say the problem is that she spends too much on basic necessities for herself and her three kids and she makes bad decisions such as buying grocery items at CVS instead of a grocery store.

Are you kidding? She's in her late 30s with three kids and a professional job, and you think less of her because she buys grocery items at CVS rather than a grocery store? Did it ever occur to you that she can probably do that on her lunch break and then get an extra hour with her kids or at her career job by skipping the after-work trip to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk every other day? I mean, if she was taking fancy vacations with her girlfriends and had a closet full of $500 shoes, I might agree with you that she has a financial management problem. But when you say that she spends too much on basic needs, I have to wonder where you live and whether your twenty kid-free years of marriage left you out of touch with how expensive it is to raise three kids in DC while holding a professional full-time job and trying to squeeze in time for adult relationships here and there. Paying a convenience surcharge to meet basic needs is a necessity.

Also, are you at all familiar with housing costs in DC proper? As a single parent working in downtown DC, she probably needs to live in DC proper or a very close-in suburb, simply because she needs to be able to get to the kids' school quickly for events and emergencies, get home from work in time for dinner and homework, etc.

Honestly, if you liked her and the primary reason you dumped her was really a combination of her financial situation and the fact that she took time away from kids and work to have a relationship with you, you need to recognize that you are contributing to the DC mentality where women feel overextended and exhausted by the need to balance high-paying careers, kids, and personal relationships. Be honest with yourself. Despite your comments about being Southern and old-school, you are terrified by the prospect of someday being expected to share what you and your late wife built with a life partner who is less financially well-off than you are, aren't you? That's not a moral failing, just don't kid yourself into thinking you are old-school and chivalrous and non-judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Lonely_Sojourner wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps, Internet dating isn't for you since you prefer interpersonal contact and it would be hard to perceive online if a woman is a match for your southern charm. Are you looking for someone in your age range? Someone without kids? Someone long-term? Short term?

You seem to have many great qualities and should have no problem finding a suitable partner. You may just have to put yourself out there and get involved in some activities or groups so you can meet new people.

Thank you as well for responding. I'm open to dating ladies with or without kids and I am not hell-bent on age either. My last relationship was with a single mom with three kids and she was in her late thirties. We dated for 4-5 months and the primary reason that I broke up with her was over her poor financial situation and the fact she couldn't manage money. She was making ~$140K working for a large international corp located in DC and yet, was having to drive Uber on the weekends to make ends meet. Another issue that didn't sit well with me was the fact that she was sacrificing spending time with her kids to spend time with me. In my view, kids come first.

I completely agree with you as I'm a bit shocked over the problems I'm having and I'm quickly realizing that internet dating is basically a numbers game; you have to "play if you want to win"... Being a strategic thinker and a long-range type of guy, I'm much more suited for long-term relationships. For example, I was married for 16 years and prior to being married, I was in a relationship for ~9 years.

L_S

,

OP, you suggest you want a partner who values her personal life and relationships as much as her professional life, and you bemoan the fact that DC is full of career-oriented, middle-aged women. Yet, nothing in your comments about your ex-girlfriend is consistent with those values.

You say the ex has a problem managing money because she earns 140K and still needs a second job to make ends meet. You also say the problem is that she spends too much on basic necessities for herself and her three kids and she makes bad decisions such as buying grocery items at CVS instead of a grocery store.

Are you kidding? She's in her late 30s with three kids and a professional job, and you think less of her because she buys grocery items at CVS rather than a grocery store? Did it ever occur to you that she can probably do that on her lunch break and then get an extra hour with her kids or at her career job by skipping the after-work trip to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk every other day? I mean, if she was taking fancy vacations with her girlfriends and had a closet full of $500 shoes, I might agree with you that she has a financial management problem. But when you say that she spends too much on basic needs, I have to wonder where you live and whether your twenty kid-free years of marriage left you out of touch with how expensive it is to raise three kids in DC while holding a professional full-time job and trying to squeeze in time for adult relationships here and there. Paying a convenience surcharge to meet basic needs is a necessity.

Also, are you at all familiar with housing costs in DC proper? As a single parent working in downtown DC, she probably needs to live in DC proper or a very close-in suburb, simply because she needs to be able to get to the kids' school quickly for events and emergencies, get home from work in time for dinner and homework, etc.

Honestly, if you liked her and the primary reason you dumped her was really a combination of her financial situation and the fact that she took time away from kids and work to have a relationship with you, you need to recognize that you are contributing to the DC mentality where women feel overextended and exhausted by the need to balance high-paying careers, kids, and personal relationships. Be honest with yourself. Despite your comments about being Southern and old-school, you are terrified by the prospect of someday being expected to share what you and your late wife built with a life partner who is less financially well-off than you are, aren't you? That's not a moral failing, just don't kid yourself into thinking you are old-school and chivalrous and non-judgmental.

PP again. Just reread this and am concerned that it sounds unnecessarily harsh. My point is simply that, rather than complaining that you keep meeting the "wrong kind of women" online, maybe you need to spend some time figuring out just what the right kind of woman for you would be, and whether your expectations are reasonable.